January 17, 2011

If you've been here for a while, you're aware that I have another blog; it's private, no one has ever read it, and it's more of a diary than anything... though sometimes, it's just an outlet, a place where I scream and cry...  in writing. Once in a while, I'll look back through that blog and remember what was going on in our lives a year or two or three ago... and once in a while, I'll copy and paste a specific post to share here.

Today is a special day; it's my Daddy's birthday... and if you know me at all, you know me to be a Daddy's girl. He is the one person who is able to make me cry with just a look, or crack me up with an age-old "Daddy joke", or make me relax with a simple, "How are you doing lately?", or make me cringe with the word 'disappointed' in any sentence directed at me. He's the epitome of what a wonderful husband, Daddy, and "Tata" (Grandpa :-)) should be... and the man I married is a very close clone ;-)

Since today is Daddy's birthday, I went back to my other blog to see what was going on today last year. I was right about one thing... today last year was a big day and it's funny how quickly I forgot it; I'd call that 'selective memory' and I am convinced that selective memory is one of God's greatest gifts to us when we go through painful experiences. Today last year was one of the most exciting and exhilarating of my life and also one of the most terrifying, too. It was the day I received this text from "M"...

"It might be my belly but they're YOUR babies."

It was the day that "M" chose us to be her baby boys' parents. It was also the day I called my Daddy with some exciting news for his birthday... twin boys!

Here's my post... you all know by now how it ends (if not, read here and here) but I think it's helpful to look back sometimes and remember the fear and paralyzing emotion. And the truth is, I think I knew... deep down, I just knew...

 We are at the end of what will go down in history as 2.5 of the best years of our lives. I can sum them up in one word.

Hannah.

She's amazing, She's smart. She's beautiful. She's contagious. She's ours.

She's also about to become a big sister! ... and here I am again. Patiently Waiting. The thing is... I'm not so patient. At all. I never was. I never will be. We began our second waiting period about 9 months ago. We completed our home study in July and signed on with a small local agency in September. They're  a small agency so we decided to do what we could on our end, too... about 6 weeks ago and started a Facebook page.

Through our Facebook page and / or our main blog, we have had opportunities to pray for and pray about a set of twins, a baby boy who was born with Spina Bifida and another set of twins.

That's where we are now. Identical. Twin. Boys. We've fallen in love with their first Mom, "M". She CHOSE us. We've pictured our incredibly exciting, never dull future with them. We've told Hannah. We've named them. They'll be here before April 16.

This is a dream come true!

Yet here I am. Untrusting. Unbelieving. Mainly, undeserving.

I smile when I think about them. My heart stops when "M" texts me. I day-dream all day. I count the minutes. I WANT so badly for it to all be good enough. The truth? I don't think I can relax until they're here.

And then... guilt.

I want it to be good enough. I want THIS moment to be one I never forget. I want to learn all the lessons God wants me to learn so I can move on.

At the same time, I never want to experience this moment again. I don't want to wait. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to doubt. I don't want to learn.

Oh... but I am.

I'm learning to wait. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to deserve.

Again.

The first time wasn't enough... the result, our baby-girl, was perfect and more incredible than we could ever imagine. Yet, here we are again. In our plan. The one we have no control over. I feel God smiling at my earthly struggle. I see His sweet, compassionate face just smiling at me.

"You will learn, daughter. We have time. You won't wait forever. The truth? I chose YOU. Trust Me. Trust the plan I have for you. It's bigger and better because you deserve bigger and better. I love you. I haven't forgotten you. You're my child."

I imagine, before I know it, that I'll be saying similar things to Hannah.

I understand so much... in my head. The challenge is convincing my heart to understand and BELIEVE the same things. His plan is THE ONLY plan I want. Not trusting the path He's leading us on is only evidence that I don't fully trust His plan.

Not ok.

At the same time that I trust His plan for us, I have to trust His plan for her. For them. That's tough.

Wanna glimpse inside my head?

"Does she regret choosing us? Does she really know how much we already love them? Does she even know how much we love her? Will she meet another couple? Will she change her mind? If she does, can I really handle that?"

Funny thing: God probably wonders the same thing sometimes. Do they know that I chose them? Do they know how much I love them? Will they choose to follow someone else?

But He says... "I WON'T change my mind. They're already mine. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. No matter who they end up with... they're already mine."

That sounds nice. That's comforting.

I'll still cry. I'll still panic. I'll still choose, at times, not to trust.

My prayer? That HIS plan. His love. His faithfulness... will stay forefront in my crazy, disheveled, untrusting mind.

And here we are. I know where the boys are... they're not with us, and they're not with "M" but they ARE with their parents.... the one's chosen for them. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about them all the time and yes, even miss them but my greatest prayer for them is that wherever they are, they will be given the opportunity from a young age to know Jesus, to understand that their incredible story came to fruition because of how much HE loves them, that they'll always hear and be able to see firsthand how much their First Mama loves them. I pray this for them every day.

I pray this for our baby, too... for his or her First Mom. That no matter where she is and who she's with and what she's doing, that she knows that we love her... and that she feels God's protective, loving arms around her every second of every day; when she's scared to death about the future, when she's sick from pregnancy, when she feels those precious kicks in her belly, when she argues with herself over what is 'best'....

What she doesn't know is that I'm right there with her, needing to feel His presence when I'm paranoid about the future, sick from crying and from the pain of waiting, and when I argue with myself about the Plan for our family and how sometimes, I think I could do better.... even though I know I can't (a fact that's been proven in my life over and over and over and over again).

I am not only waiting for the day we bring our next baby home... I'm waiting with open arms for the day when I can wrap them around the woman who is my baby's First Mama.