Have you ever just sat back and allowed yourself to feel ... sorry for yourself?
People can tell you, "You're so strong... I don't know how you have been through all of this!", "I admire your faith!", "I just don't understand how one person can deal with so many terrible things!", "I think about what I'm going through and I just can't complain because it's nothing compared to what you've been through!"
Do you get those sometimes?
I guess for a second those comments make you feel proud...
"I AM strong!", "My faith HAS grown!", "We HAVE been through a lot!"
But really, doesn't it sometimes just make you feel like s**t? Because deep down you're NOT strong, and your faith SUX, and terrible things just keep happening DESPITE your faith, and NO YOU CAN'T complain because you haven't been through MY hell!!!
Am I the only one?
???????
True, it's wrong to let discouragement and anger and resentment and bitterness and hostility and pride control you... but sometimes..... sometimes I just think it's ok to have a full-grown....
ADULT PITY PARTY!
I had one today... I really did. Here's how it went...
I wore a plastic back brace for THREE years! I had full spinal fusion when I was THIRTEEN! can't bend over and tie my shoes! I can't even paint my own toenails! I have been scared to DEATH of cancer since my cousin passed away when he was only 31 years old! I have had NINE moles removed because of that! I CAN'T GET PREGNANT and NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I have been waiting for OVER A YEAR for my next baby to come home! Why is adoption so dang EXPENSIVE?!
and then, the avalanche....
I had to wait for TWO hours in the doctor's office today! My email doesn't work when I need to send an important email NOW! WHY won't the post-man bring the stinkin package to the DOOR? WHO'S DOG IS THAT??!?!?!
You get my drift...
And then I look at the calendar.... three years ago to the day, Hannah's birth-gramma passed away after a long long battle with cancer... my worst night-mare. She was one of the main reasons we have Hannah today.
** I have the tightest abs thanks to that stinking back-brace. My ribs didn't puncture my lungs because I had that surgery when I did. I get to buy expensive, non-tie shoes (;-)). I have a pedicure when my toes start looking bad. My cousin is in Heaven! I don't have cancer! I have HANNAH! Our next baby has already been chosen for us. No matter the cost, I'll never look back... I'll never wish I could have changed HIS plan. **
My friend calls; her God-Mother, her moms best friend who's husband passed away a few months ago and who has been in the hospital since before Christmas with cancer...
she passed away this morning.
** Someones AWFUL, emergency-filled morning was made okay and all I had to do was wait a little longer than usual. 'Edit' and 'Re-send' were created for a reason. I burned 4 whole calories just by walking out to the mailbox to get my package. My dog doesn't bark like THAT dog! **
It's ok to have a pity-party once in a while...
because it's never as awful as it seems...
and all of the 'I's' are never as important as the positives that can come from those apparent negatives.
What's your list? Put it here or put it somewhere else... it feels good! Then write your 'other' list... that feels even better ;-)
