On Loan From Heaven

I'm still here!

I wish I could tell you how much your sweet emails and Facebook messages have meant to me over the past couple of weeks! It sounds weird but I have put off posting this update for a few days because I love your notes of concern so much.... I mean, who doesn't want to know they are missed?!? :-)

I think it's fair to say that the past couple of weeks have been.....

crazy.

First off, I'll answer some of your most pressing questions...

Do we have a new baby?

Nope.

Is everyone healthy?

Yes.

How can we pray for you?

Just pray ;-)

About 2.5 weeks ago, at 4:13pm, on a Tuesday night, my phone rang. It was an adoption attorney in Florida.... a fairly popular one and I'm sure some of you fellow 'waiters' know his name. While he doesn't keep a stack of waiting families' profiles on hand, he does have a list of waiting families that he emails when an expectant mom comes to him. We had responded to one of these 'potential adoption situations' about 2 weeks earlier (mom due in June, boy, Florida) and hadn't heard anything so we chalked it up to another 'possibility'. That's what made this call a little shocking...

" 'D' has seen your profile and would like to meet you. On Thursday. In Jacksonville, FL. Are you and your husband available to meet her at 4pm?

Ummm.....

"Sure! See you then!"

(I mean, what do you say... NO?!?!)

Let me summarize the next 48 hours for you...

* Phone call to Joey; "Come home NOW. We are meeting a birthmom on Thursday night at 4pm in Florida. We have a dog. And a 3 year old. And ... just come home NOW."

* Frantic call to amazingly flexible and helpful friends; "Can you take Hannah to school tomorrow? And can you get our mail for.... until I tell you to stop?"

* Frantic call to babysitter; "We have to be in Florida on Thursday... can you stay with Hannah Thursday night?"

* Frantic call to vet; "We have had an unexpected trip come up... our dog is NOT up to date on his shots... can you do his shots and board him for 3 days?"

* Oh yeah.... frantic email  to family; "PLEASE PRAY!"

* Frantic packing. Frantic hotel reservation. Frantic....

crazy.

Joey and I drove 6 hours on Thursday and at 4pm met with a wonderful woman who was very pregnant with a sweet. healthy baby boy, due June 24.

We loved 'D'. We 'clicked'. We laughed. We cried. We hugged. We talked... a lot.

** Let me interject... in my own post ;-). Have you ever been at a "Match Meeting"??? It's EXHAUSTING!!!! You're nervous. You're on your best behavior. You're sweating. You're thirsty. You COMPLETELY FORGET WHO YOU ARE! You don't remember how old you were when..... You don't remember how old your child is! You don't remember when you got married or what school you went to or what your house looks like or....

K. I'm done. **

Joey and I went in to this Match Meeting with some reservations. We didn't know much about 'D' and we had questions about what we DID know....we just wanted to know more.

These feelings completely threw me and Joey off. We didn't expect to have questions because when we met Hananh's First Parents, all we wanted was for THEM to love US. This time? We were making decisions, too... We needed to know what this particular relationship would be like for Hannah; for the baby we DO have. Now. We needed to know what this future relationship would look like in comparison to the relationship we have with Hannah's First Family.

While we wanted more than anything for this mom to love us and to CHOOSE us, we also felt as if we were at a crucial cross-road...

If she DID choose us, would us continuing in this relationship with her and her sweet boy's First Family be in Hannah's best interest? She's the one we DO have.... the only one we are responsible for right now.

This is one of those things.... one of those things that makes adoption....

crazy? Unfair?

One thing that makes it suck.

(Sorry... I just said 'suck')

Joey and I left the attorney's office late Thursday night, had an amazing Ocean-side dinner in Jacksonville, went back to our hotel, and ...

slept.

We woke up Friday morning and finally had space in our minds to talk and we agreed with each other 100%...

* We loved 'D'

*We were absolutely comfortable with what we envisioned in our future with 'D'

* We were very confident that this baby, this sweet boy, would come home with us (because, as we know so well... that doesn't always happen)

But...

(there's always a 'but').

There was something...

It wasn't clear.

We have spent a year and a half praying for this baby... for our baby. Baby Smith Number 2.

Of all the things we DON'T know, we DO know this....

When our baby and his/her First Mama come into our lives, we'll KNOW.

But... we didn't know.

And that, friends..... that is uncomfortable. And it's painful. And you feel guilty and mean and completely....

crazy.

You cry and you ask 'WHY?" and you cry and you get mad and you cry.

We woke up Friday morning and this 'something' had us both in it's death-grip...

Were we really going to say 'no' AGAIN?!

How could God do this AGAIN?!?!

Haven't we been through enough?!

CAN WE BE DONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!

This something wasn't screaming, "THIS IS YOUR BABY!!!!"...  it was quietly whispering, "Your baby is still waiting...."

 

And then my phone rang.... at 9:38am Friday morning...

" 'D' chose you. She wants to move forward and discuss the details of this open adoption!"

Because that's good news, right?!?!

But that something was still there....

So we said "no".

again.

Yes, friends. You're right. WE ARE unequivocally, irrevocably...

CRAZY!!!!!

One of the hardest lessons we've learned in the adoption process is this...

We are NOT right for every baby... and every baby is NOT right for us. Every First Mom isn't right for us. We aren't right for every expectant mom. Sometimes, more often than not (since we won't have a million kids), there are many MORE perfect families for a baby than we could ever be!

It's just the truth.

That was almost 2 weeks ago and friends, after all that.... I needed a break.

I was asking God for a break.

Nope...

BEGGING Him for a break.

And He's given it to me. In ways I never could have imagined....

I can breathe. My heart is full and it doesn't hurt. I have found rest.

I took a break and feel like I can say with 100% certainty that...

I am exactly where my Heavenly Father wants me.

Sometimes where HE wants me isn't exactly where I WANT to be or where I THOUGHT I would be...

but it's right.

And it's where I can find my rest.

Thank you for worrying about us... thank you for your notes. Each note is treasured and saved... they are all further proof that our next baby is loved more than anyone could ever imagine.

Our story is just beginning and while the journey, our journey, has been painful.... all will be forgotten when our sweet, precious, perfect baby is in our arms.

And I know this, how?!

Because THIS sweet, precious, and perfect baby is in our arms!