Fear

The only time we experience fear is when we are faced with the unknown.... but God's perfect love drives out fear. It's the only thing that can... and it will.

~ My Mom

 

If I had a penny for every time my mom has said this to me over the years....

 

Yet, I can't name very many times in my life when I have been gripped by fear.... I don't even have any examples to list (a first for me, I'm sure ;-))!

 

I've been nervous too many times to count.... but I don't think that's the same as fear.

 

But the quote works for nerves, too...  recitals, job interviews, meeting your potential in-laws, first dates, first day on the job, waiting for ANYTHING (test results, grades, yes or no...), preparing for your first child (or second or third or...)... when you think back to those times when you felt 'nervous', you were always facing something unknown.

 

I'm thankful that my list of fearful times has always been short (non-existent?!) and I'm realizing that  I've probably always taken 'fear' for granted....

 

 

until now.

 

 

Preparing for ANY child is nerve-wracking....

 

"what if...?"

"how will I know...?"

"what will we do....?"

 

Preparing for a child through adoption is nerve-wracking in a different way....

 

Because there are so many unknowns.

 

And often-times those unknowns turn into fears.

 

I've mentioned 'the list' so many times in this blog.... and it is 'the list' that makes bringing a baby home through adoption so very different. We have always taken it extremely seriously. We have 4 home studies and 2 home study updates under our belts which means we have filled out 'the list' 6 times. We've prayed about it 6 times...

 

And 6 times, when asked about prematurity, heart conditions, deafness, blindness, missing limbs, blood disorders, STD's, mental retardation, cerebral palsy...

 

we checked 'yes'.

 

We meant 'yes'.

 

 

While I don't have a list of times in my life when I've been gripped by fear, my list for the past 7 months is long...

 

 

loooooooooooooong.

 

Our lives have changed drastically.... much like anyone's does when they bring a new baby home.

 

Our 'list' is now our reality.
 

The list we prayed over.
 

The list that defines your vision for your family.
 

The one that puts you in the pool or leaves you out.
 

That list... or part of it... is our reality.
 

 

 

And we couldn't be happier.

 

Our son is a miracle. Over and over and over , and over again, he is a true miracle. His story (thanks to all of YOU) has reached hundreds of thousands of people. His story, his life, has CHANGED lives.

 

 

He has changed us.

 

And he scares me to death.

(deep breath...)

We're not finished with his story.... part II of Miracle #4 is coming but there is so much more.... there will be so much more.... so much that we don't know...

 

I write about the miracles and forever want those moments to be part of the definition of Hunter's life.... because without them, without God's hand on him, there would be no Hunter.

A pre-requisite to a miracle seems to be fear, or the unknown.

So I will also be honest.

 

Our son, our preemie, our fighter, our miracle, has special needs... he is not special needs.... but he has them.

 

Some of them we know about... and some of them we don't know about yet...

 

they are unknowns....

 

And what we don't know scares me to death.

The challenge I'm facing this week (because there will be a new one next week), is trying to balance the peace and rest I find in the story of my son's life, with the reality of the fear that seems to have it's hold on me.

 

 

 

I'm new to fear.

 

 

I don't know how 'to do' fear.

 

Satan caught me in the grips of fear today... in a moment of weakness that is slowly beginning to turn into a moment of strength...

 

because I've learned that in times of fear, I am my strongest.

 

In today's moment of fear, Joey was in a meeting so I called my mom... at work... in hysterical tears.... sobbing.... ugly cry....

 

There was a pit in my stomach, a burning, consuming desire to know more, because what I know isn't enough... I don't want to wait, I want to know. NOW.

 

And my mom said, "Hmmm... that sounds familiar."

 

I could hear the smile in her voice... 'waiting' has never been my strong suite ;-)

 

And then....

 

"The only time we experience fear is when we are faced with the unknown.... but God's perfect love drives out fear. It's the only thing that can... and it has and it will."

 

 3

 

The number of times we have prepared ourselves and our friends and family for our son's death.

 

1

 

The number of times we were prepped on what to look for when his last days were near.

 

3

 

The number of times we were told that he wasn't going to die.

 

6

 

The number of times the term 'disorder' has been associated with our son.

 

6

 

The number of times I've 'gently reminded' someone that prematurity is not a disorder in and of itself.

 

.....

 

 

The number of times we have fought for more.... for better, for our son;

 

Countless.

 

The number of times we have been paralyzed with fear of the unknown... of his past, present, and future;

 

Countless.

 

The number of times God has obviously and intentionally placed people in our path who have reminded us of God's grace, of his hand on our son's life, of his hand on our lives... who have hugged us and cried with us and who have spent hours upon hours on their knees in prayer for our sweet boy and for us, and who have screamed and yelled in celebration when those prayers were answered... the number of emails, texts, comments, and shares that remind us daily of the support we have been blessed with, that no matter how scared we are or how many unknowns we face, God is using our son to change lives...

 

the number of times our fears have turned to thanksgiving...

 

countless.

 

 

'Fear' might be today's reality... but I can't let it become my reality.

 

Yes, our son is special. He's a miracle.

 

I have been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.... by His perfect love.

 

My son has been saved by that same love and grace...

 

That is our reality. It will always be our reality and I pray every single day that we never come to expect or count on God's miracles...

 

because I want every one of them... and there will be more... to be new and exciting.

 

But everything new and exciting came from fear.

 

And that's where we grow.
 

 

So, if fear and the unknown are pre-requitites for the (many more!) miracles we know we will see in our son's future;

 

The number of times the past... our fears.... will repeat themselves...

 

countless.

 

 And once again, His perfect love will drive out our fear (1 John 4:18) ....

And we will be left with (another) miracle!