Us + Hunter = Faith. Hunter + Faith = Grace

So here we are....

 

10 months after the premature birth of our son...

 

9 months since the day we first layed eyes on him...

 

7 months since the day he finally came home...

 

and

 

2 months until his 1st birthday.

 

His 1st birthday....

 

the one that never 'should' have come.

 

 

When Joey and I walked into that NICU for the first time, layed eyes on our son for the first time, and spoke to his doctors for the first time, we were given a worst-case-scenario explanation of Hunter's future...

 

We were told that he would have developmental delays due to his prematurity...

 

We were told that there was a very large chance that he would have CP...

 

We were told that, at the very least, he would have 2 open heart surgeries by his 1st birthday...

 

That his activity would be limited for the rest of his life...

 

That his life might be short...

 

That, if he made it that far, he might not be able to go to a 'normal' school.

 

 

Those 'maybe's' and 'might's' and 'probably's'....

 

the whole list of them...

 

We were ok with them.

 

Maybe we weren't experts on CP or prematurity or heart surgeries or limiting activities of a growing boy but so what?!

 

He was ours.

 

Just like a baby who is delivered and goes home with the Mama who gave birth to him...

 

there was no argument that he was ours....

 

and so was everything that came with him.

 

 

 

Here we are, quickly approaching Hunter's 1st birthday...

 

No heart surgery and none in his future and I dare you to just TRY and limit his activity ;-)!

 

 

I think back to that day.... and to the many many days that follow...

 

I look at our son and I wonder...

 

"Was that HIM!? THAT baby. The one with all of that STUFF. The stuff that we were OK with!"

 

and then...

 

"Thank you, LORD for your grace and faithfulness.... thank you for holding him and for protecting him... and for HEALING him!"

 

but...

 

"But, Lord.... as grateful as we are.... and as we forever will be.... you didn't have to do that.... because we were ok with all of it!"

 

And in the past, so many times, I've gotten stuck right there...

 

We were ok.... and felt prepared.... and felt so much peace about the fact that this precious baby boy...

 

He was the one we had been waiting for.

 

Yes, our lives changed immediately.

 

The future we had envisioned looked ... well, we didn't know how it looked...

 

but we were over the moon.

 

He was here.

 

FINALLY.

 

And with all of that STUFF that we were ok with... that we researched and asked about...

 

 

God didn't have to heal him.

 

 

Because ....

 

 

He just didn't.

 

 

We didn't do anything to 'deserve' His grace or miracles.

 

 

These thoughts have been floating around in my mind for months...

 

 

And for months I've wondered why He chose to perform miracles in our lives...

 

I've even wondered how in the world He saw US fit to be this precious miracle's parents!

 

 

But yesterday...

 

Joey and Hannah took my car to buy a new dishwasher...

 

and my car has Hunter's carseat in it.

 

 

Hunter had been showing cold symptoms for a couple days and I was very careful to keep up with the saline and suctioning and nebulizer treatments (for asthma).

 

Joey and Hannah left and I gave Hunter a bath.... Hunter LOVES his bath!

 

But last night he was agitated.

 

He didn't want to soak and play like he normally does so I washed him quickly, wrapped him up, and took him into the living room to put his PJ's on him.

 

I laid him down, patted him dry, and stopped.

 

His breathing wasn't right. I looked at his chest and he was retracting. I dressed him and picked him up. He was starting to panic like he couldn't calm his body down enough to get those deep breaths that he knew he needed. I tried to feed him to calm him down but he couldn't breath well enough to eat. I tried his paci... same story. I walked him, sang to him, rocked him and nothing was working.

 

This same thing had happened a couple times before where it seemed like he had an anxiety attack.... his breathing gets shallow, he gets agitated, wants to cry but can't, wants to eat but can't... but I've always been able to find a way to calm him enough that he is able to stabilize his breathing.

 

The problem was that I had given him a breathing treatment only an hour earlier and, even though doctor's can do it, I'm not supposed to give him more than one treatment every 4-6 hours...

 

Albuterol can raise your heart rate and because of Hunter's history, a second treatment can only be given when he's hooked up to heart monitors.

 

I had already called Joey and knew he was on his way home but he was still 35 minutes away, which means I wouldn't be able to get him to an ER for another hour...

 

The bath, fussiness, agitation.... All I could think about was that day....

 

So I called 911.

 

"Yes, he's breathing but it's not normal. He's retracting in his chest and neck. I don't know if he's clammy... he just got out of the bath. I don't know if he's shivering because he's cold from the bath or because he's shaking. All I know is that I know this baby and I know how he breathes and he's NOT BREATHING THE RIGHT WAY and I can't get him to the ER."

 

The fire department got here first and they saw that he was retracting so they started giving him Oxygen right away....

 

Hunter was agitated and was still very aware of the *many* new faces and fought the O2 mask.

 

About 20 seconds later, he took that breath... the deep one that he needed.

 

And then he relaxed in my arms.

 

The paramedics arrived and listened to his chest and said that, while he wasn't wheezing anymore, his chest was really congested. He had a low grade fever but it was nothing note-worthy. They had no immediate concerns and felt that he just needed that extra help to get his breathing under control so he could calm down.

 

The paramedics were here for about 20 minutes. They watched him closely and as time went on he was able to suck on his paci, drink his bottle, and even make flirty eyes at his sister. We refused transport to the hospital because we already had an appt with his pediatrician for early this morning and by the time the medics left, Hunter was jumping in my lap and was laughing....

 

he was ok.

 

Me?

 

Not so much.

 

Sorry, sweet boy... that day ruined me.

 

I got in bed last night and spent some time thanking the Lord for, once again, holding our son.... his son... in His hands.

 

And, once again, I thought about the 'might's' and 'maybe's' and 'probably's'.... and I thought about how we were ok, maybe thought we were even ready, for all of them.... and I thought about how God didn't have to perform all of those miracles.... and I thought about how undeserving we are of those miracles....

 

 

and then I realized....

 

 

Of course we didn't deserve them! We didn't do anything to deserve this life or our children or even His grace and love...

 

But Hunter?

 

HE deserves those miracles.

 

Maybe we have been chosen as the vehicle by which this sweet boy will grow, and we will do everything we can to teach him everything we can about Jesus and the sacrifices He made for us... for him... and we will do everything we can to meet his physical needs as he gets older, and we'll stay CPR certified for the rest of our lives ;-), and will tell him the story of his life as many times as he will listen...

 

but God gave him life and will give him life...

 

He will bring to fruition the amazing, unbelievable, inconceivable plan that He has had for that sweet boy's life....

 

He will continue to perform miracles...

 

but not for me and Joey...

 

He'll do it for Hunter...

And for every life that Hunter's story has and will continue to touch.

 

So we will continue to do what we have done since the day we met him....

 

We will remember the day we met him every single day... because that day and the memory of who Hunter was and who he was *supposed* to be that day keeps us grounded...

 

We will remember that faith doesn't come easily.... and it doesn't come naturally... and it isnt' always easy or logical or comfortable...

 

but it's always worth it.

 

Our son?

 

He deserves our faith.

 

Our children?

 

They deserve it.

 

Your children?

 

They deserve your faith, too.

 

They deserve to know that none of us deserve God's grace but that He gives it anyway.

 

And His grace?

 

It isn't free.

 

No matter what people say!

 

Because without faith, there is no grace...

 

And without grace.... there would be no Hunter.

 

So for me, tonight...

 

My son personifies grace....

 

And I will continue to have faith in the plan that God has for his life....

 

even when I'm panicked... and it's hard to breathe...

Us + Hunter = Faith

Hunter + Faith = Grace

Insert your children's names .... it works for them, too ;-)