On Loan From Heaven: Dear Sweet Boy... Love, Mama

Hi sweet boy~

I've dreamed so many times about writing this letter to you.... the letter that would re-cap your first year of life... the one that would pin-point highlights of the past year....

The first of many many letters.

But there was one day, not too long ago, when your Daddy and I were faced with the terrifying reality that this letter might never come....

Or that it would read quite differently than we had planned.

There was a day, not too long ago, when we truly believed that we would be celebrating this special day without you.... or, if we were able to celebrate WITH you, that it might be the last.... But,

We celebrated your first birthday a few days ago ...

The decorations were colorful,

the cake was simply amazing,

the food was so yummy,

and we were surrounded by our biggest prayer warriors... the one's who stand mostly responsible for carrying us through this past year and who remain your biggest fans....

But we could have celebrated your birthday without the colorful decorations, the amazing cake, yummy food, and wonderful family and friends...

Those are all so important....

But what made that day so special ...

Was you.

YOU were at your birthday celebration.

And one day, not too long ago, that just didn't seem like a possibility.

Now? It's our reality.

We didn't celebrate your birthday under a cloud of worry and doubt and fear, wondering if there would be a 2nd... or a 3rd... or....

And though we celebrated with unimaginable joy and hope and laughter...

Our hearts were so incredibly heavy with gratitude and awe as we reflected on the miracle that is your life.

Your Daddy and I look at you every single day and marvel at who you are after all that you have been through...

"You are so blessed!"

You'll probably hear that most days for the rest of your life...

And I'm sorry for that.

There are some things I want you to know as your enter into your second year of life.... things I want you to remember, always;

1) You are not defined by all that you have been through...

The NICU doesn't define you.

Apnea doesn't define you.

Heart Conditions don't define you.

Hearing loss doesn't define you.

Prematurity doesn't define you.

You are not blessed.... you are the blessing....

To me, your Daddy, our family, friends, and so many people who haven't even met you.

2) Grace.

When I look at you, all I see is God's grace. Grace so powerful and prevalent that it often brings me to my knees.

You are one of His most precious miracles. Your life was perfectly planned and defined long before your Daddy and I knew you....

Your life is defined only by God's grace.

Your first year of life was hard...

For some reason your life plan included events and processes that most people will never face.

Your strength and will were tested long before you took your first breath.

My heart has broken for you more times in the past year than I can count...

But I will never apologize to you for the path you life has and will continue to follow, for what you've faced and for what you might face in the future...

Becuase your life, no matter what shape or form it might take, can't be anything else... it can't go any other way...

Because if it did, you wouldn't be you.

And I cannot be me, without you.

3) Your purpose in life is extraordinary.

I don't know what your future holds... I don't wish to know because one of the most rewarding, surprising, and wonderful things for your Daddy and me is to watch God's plan unfold for you.

There is no doubt in my mind that your life's plan includes a few more bumps and maybe even mountains along the way. But I know you. And I know that you have been given a strength and will and determination that I have never seen before.

I'm not so sure I will 'appreciate' that will in your toddler years ;-)....

But I will do everything i can to nurture and encourage that part of you...

You might climb a few more mountains...

But, if you allow God to continue to mold and shape and guide you, you will move so many more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writing is one of my passions and I'm sure, that by the time you're old enough to read, you'll have stacks of letters to read through...

But I will never, ever be able to express to you in writing just how much you are loved.

You are valued and cherished and are continually covered in prayer....

And you will remain wrapped in Jesus' strong and capable hands every day of your life.

A few stats from your first year...

* You weighed 2 pounds, 13 ounces when you were born.... on your birthday, you hit 18 pounds!

* On your birthday, you made the growth chart!

~ 3rd percentile for weight... 10th for height... 5th for head~

* You have mastered sitting up!

* You are no longer considered a 'beginning' crawler!

* You LOVE pulling yourself up on my laundry baskets!

* You don't sleep.

Ever.

* Your Sister gets a smile from you that you don't give anyone else...

And she is your protector and your biggest cheerleader...

* You drink 8 ounce bottles and always eat better when you're being held... even though you like to be a big boy and hold your own bottle....

* You LOVE the weirdest baby food combinations... apples & bananas, sweet potato & apples & raisins, ham & pineapple & apple & rice, to name a few. And you eat a LOT of it...