The 'D' Word

Yeah, Yeah... damn, dick, dork, doof (if you grew up in my house ;-)), divorce, disease, disability...

disappointment.

We've discussed disappointment before when it related to expectations...

The kind of disappointment I've experienced most recently feels so much different than the kind we've discussed before.

It's a kind of disappointment that leads you to question everything you thought you knew about someone... about their morals, their aspirations as a parent or friend or wife or sibling, their beliefs, their ability to forgive, their ability to love without conditions, and their acceptance of others' regardless of the circumstance.

Moms and Dads. Brothers and sisters. Husbands and wives. Best friends.

There are many people in my life, both friends and family, who are my 'go to' people when crisis strikes. They support and encourage me, and when words don't seem appropriate, they pray for me. They check on me and reach out to me even when I've crawled inside of my own fear or misery or anger or sadness. I trust them. I know that no matter WHAT I do or HOW I do it or WHY, they'll be there. They'll still call and they'll still love me and they'll still know that I am ME. They might not agree with me or 'approve' of the decisions I make but they continue to be my ICOE.

They are my 'In Case of Emergency'.

When crisis strikes, those ICOE contacts become your lifeline... they know you well enough that they possess the innate ability to keep you grounded, to know when you're at your lowest and be right beside you as you climb out of the pit. You rest assured every second of your relationship that nothing and no one can or will change your relationship. It might be tested... but it will never change...

because they love YOU... unconditionally.

Not the decisions you make or the people you spend time with or the kind of parent you are or what kind of wife you are or what happened in your past...

they know YOU and they love YOU, regardless.


Your ICOE is supposed to know 'unconditional'.

But....

There's another side. I observe my ICOE's closely... I take note of the way the handle their own life crises and how they respond to other's in crisis. I never miss the tiny hint of their disapproval, disappointment, bitterness, or slight shake of their head when that person and their crisis are mentioned. I take note of those things, not to hold it against them, but to protect myself from them.

"If she can talk about 'so and so' when she's not around, then she's capable of talking about me when I'm not around, too!"

See? We've all done it.

It might not be 'right' but it's true for us all.

I've learned that, no matter how well you know someone, or how much you trust them, you will inevitably find yourself disappointed in them at some point in your relationship... there will inevitably be that one 'emergency' that truly tests their ability to 'live up to' the status they hold in your life.

Your best friend. Your confidante. Your ICOE.

Or maybe you'll witness their response to someone else's crisis.... and that response will floor you because you know them and would have expected more.

There's that expectation again.

But this kind of disappointment just feels so much different.... it's the kind of disappointment that leads to a change, not only in your relationship, but in your belief in that person. It's the kind that can't seem end with 'I'm sorry' and 'I forgive you'.....

You and your husband suffer through infertility and decide to pursue IVF.... but your parents think that's an irresponsible financial or moral decision, so you travel that path alone and when your baby comes, their expectation is that they'll pick up where they left off, wanting to play a role in this beautiful, wonderful, perfectly made child's life... but you can't help but remember their 'disapproval' and lack of support during the most difficult time of your life every single day. You expected more... and now everything has changed.

You've spent decades alone but still know that your purpose is to be a mom so you start the adoption process or pursue IVF with a 'doner'... but your friends think you're crazy for bringing a child into a one-parent home and you go to your appointments alone, even though you long for the company of your ICOE. You expected more... and now everything has changed.

You were raised in a strong Christian home, knowing what the Bible says about sex before marriage and weeks after a single moment of human weakness, the words 'pregnant' taunts you in the quietness of your bathroom.... and your parents are disappointed, creating a crack in the wall of your relationship as you struggle alone to plan your future while they struggle just to grasp the 'magnitude' of this particular mistake when you've made many many more of them in the past. You expected more... and now everything has changed.

You decide to abort your baby.... and the family member who loved you through so much darkness before, will never speak to you again as if continuing a relationship with you will somehow stain their own reputation. You expected more... and now everything has changed.

You decide to parent your baby but you'll never be able to count on the emotional support of your ICOE's because they can't get past your moment of human weakness.... so you find yourself facing parenthood without your community of people who know you the most. You expected more... and now everything has changed.

You choose to fore go your right and even ability to parent your baby and you choose a lifetime of loss and pain in order to give your child a life he/she deserves and you place him/her for adoption...  the relationships you built through thick and thin just can't weather THIS kind of crisis and as if living life without your child isn't enough, you lose that one person who should have been there for you. You expected more.... and now everything has changed.

The one person who knows you, and trusts you, and loves you....

unconditionally.

ICOE's know unconditional...

They are able to step outside of the circumstance and know that the circumstance doesn't change who they know to be YOU...

You're still YOU... no matter the crisis or the decisions or the circumstance.

You're still you.

But at one pivotal point in your life, the crisis or decisions or the circumstance becomes too much and your ICOE will disappoint you...

what you thought you KNEW about their ability to love unconditionally and accept you for who YOU are and not what you do ...their ability to fore go their own opinions and own disappointments in order to love YOU unconditionally.... you'll even question their belief that 'all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)'...

and they fail you.

Sometimes you're the spectator as your ICOE walks through crisis with someone else and sometimes you're the one in crisis, desperately needing the precious connection you've built with him/her.

But when a circumstance tests what you know to be true about someone and they fail you, what happens then?

Naturally, you'll lose a little trust in them... you'll probably distance yourself from them... you'll quietly observe them from that distance, but this time in a different light...

If your relationship can weather the storm, you'll enter your post-storm relationship with a few reservations or contingencies...

We won't talk about the past.... we won't discuss our children... we won't mention who is expecting... we won't share details of our other relationships....

And at some point you realize that the disappointment you felt when your ICOE failed to fall under the umbrella of qualities you've been so sure of in the past...

Isn't any better than the way you've taken 'unconditional' out of your love and acceptance for them.

"I love you, but...." & "I love you, except for when..."

are responsible for taking the unconditional away from love.

I've learned that disappointment stemming from our expectations of others' is one of the most difficult of the human emotional processes to overcome....

But when I dig deep into God's Word, searching for some way I can let go of my pre-conceived ideas of how my ICOE's should act or feel, I realize that if my ultimate goal is to model my life after Christ, I can't hold anyone up to a standard that I'm not willing to hold myself to....

and regardless of what we do or how we handle it or how you feel about it or what comes of it...

God never sees us as disappointments.

To Him we are forgiven (Psalm 86:5) and saved (Acts 2:21) ... you're a person of hope (Jeremiah 29:11) and you're His beloved child (2 Corin 6:17-18).

If you're all of those things to HIM, your ICOE is, too....

and that makes all the difference between disappointment and unconditional love, no matter what side of the crisis you're on.