Such Bitter-Sweetness... An Announcement

We have anticipated this post for a few weeks now with so much excitement ...

but we envisioned it looking so so much different than it will tonight.

Our God has built our family through His grace, faithfulness, and many miracles.

Our precious baby girl... our 2008 overnight miracle...

Our son... our 2012 living miracle....

And 2 months ago, after 7 years of infertility and after 4 years of completely abandoning our will to His... no temping, no charting, without even considering the possibilities that doctor's could be wrong, that He could grant that one, sometimes seemingly forbidden desire of our hearts....

 our Jesus graciously (and shockingly!!) gave us another miracle...

 And then there were 5.....



We have spent the past few weeks completely and humbly grateful and amazed at what He has done! Our Jesus... the one who gave us our miracles... who has given us so many more miracles than we could have ever asked for or could ever deserve....

the one who heard our painfully loud cries 7 years ago... and gave us our daughter.

the one who heard our terrifying screams of anguish 18 months ago.... and saved our son.

the one who heard the whispers of our hearts as one tiny part still desired so badly to experience a pregnancy.... let us do just that.

For a time....

We have spent the past few weeks standing in awe at what he has done for us!

My body told me right away that I was pregnant... I stand amazed that after years and years of 'just in case' pregnancy tests and 'maybe this means I'm pregnant' symptom analyses, I was still able to recognize the 'real deal.' I am so gratedul for every ache and for every moment of nausea and for every change my body went through to make room for the precious baby growing inside of me.... I'm thankful for the two times we were able to see and hear that precious heartbeat on ultra-sound.... for the tiny baby belly that was beginning to pop (especially after a couple donuts ;-))....

but  my body also didn't handle pregnancy well.

The past 10 days have been a waiting game of the cruelest kind.... physically, emotionally, and spiritually....

But yesterday came closure when Jesus' everlasting arms took the place of our's for our sweet Baby Smith #3.

Our baby went home... too early, and not with us.

And we are broken.

Completely broken.

We chose, long ago, to share this part of our lives with whomever wants to read it... for whomever wants to join us on our family's journey to well.... just that.

Our family.

We have never regretted one second of the choice to make this part of us 'public' and we have been blessed tenfold because of it.

We have so many blanks to fill in...  my very first pregnancy test .... telling Big Sister...  introducing you to Baby Smith #3 in pictures... our cherished announcement photo shoot... and the overwhelming outpouring of love that we have and know we will continue to receive as we navigate through the next couple of days, weeks, and months . And we will. I need to if I'm going to get through this. I've missed the calm and refuge I find when I write....

We've had so many 'secrets' to keep in the past.... our adoptions were both unique, making it difficult for us to ask for support and prayer when we needed it most as each of our babies came home until it was a safe and appropriate time to share our exciting news with the world....

And I can't do 'secrets' this time.

We are heartbroken... and confused...

But we also know that, for however long Jesus let us keep our precious Baby Smith #3, that every second of that time is a miracle... and always will be.

I got pregnant. Me. The one who couldn't. I did. And without a single thought in our mind about ever getting pregnant... ever!

That's a miracle!

The past 2 months have been filled with celebration and we are looking back without one single regret.

We are trying so desperately to take refuge in Him knowing that, for the first time in every up and down we have faced over the past 7 years....

We won't be waiting for our baby anymore.... because he/she is waiting for us in Heaven.

And I take complete comfort in that simple fact alone.

Our baby is in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us... waiting for mine.

I know that so many of you understand this pain... and I'm not sure I'm even 'there' yet.

If our journey has taught us anything, it's that God will take away..... he'll take things amazing and miraculous for reasons we might not ever understand....

but He always replaces them with something even bigger.

Hannah and Hunter are proof of God's 'bigger'.

I had surgery today and we would love if you would lift us up in prayer as our hearts slowly heal, as my body heals, and as we navigate through all of this while helping our sweet girl understand it all, too. We're thankful that Hunter is so young and unaware. If you know our girl, you know she'll do better than any of us.... her faith is rock solid and I'm thankful for the example of child-like faith she has been for me just the past couple days alone.

I don't know when our #4 will come along or how.... but we are doing our very best to remember and love #3 with everything that we have left in us right now...

Tonight? We're so so sad. Confused. Conflicted. Anxious. And so many parts of us are in pain. We aren't going to be quick to forget our precious and always #3 but one day soon we know that our cup will overflow, once again.

We love you, sweet #3... Mama and Daddy are wrapped as tightly in Jesus' arms tonight as you are and there's nowhere else we'd rather be than with you tonight.

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of... life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-9