Every man and his threesome...

This post is about periods.

And I will use a bad word.

Don't say I didn't warn you.
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Arriving at age 13, she decided to grace me with her presence at school.

Our relationship got off on the wrong foot and only went downhill from there.

We did have a few years of our 'honeymoon phase' when we really, did quite well together ...

In our early years, while I waited patiently for the promises that come with a girl's first period... curves in all the right places, new emotions and interests, and budding maturity... we sampled ice cream as we tried to choose which flavor would suit us, tested a few heating pads and found one we both liked, grew close to our dermatologist, tried on many brands of 'product' for size and argued over which one was best for our lifestyle, we took moonlit walks and dreamed of having babies....

I'm still waiting on those curves.

Our relationship, while never consisting of life-long potential, was bearable... predictable.

And then we got married.

As my soon-to-be husband and I travelled through 2 months of pre-marital counseling, we were prepared the best ways possible for the many challenges that we would face as husband and wife...

finances, house-hold chores, Biblical roles within marriage, jobs, parenting... we covered them all.

All but one.

Why does no one prepare a new husband and wife for the inevitable havoc that a woman's period will wreak within the precious walls of marriage?!

Joey had a mom and a sister, yes... but he was NOT ready for life with me and my period!!

My poor husband. Unbeknownst to him, the term 'threesome' would mean something entirely different in the walls of marriage....

and it wouldn't be a dream come true.

Let's define 'period'.... a blood-bath of hormones and pain and well, blood that repeats itself every 2.5-3 weeks of every year.

If you're wondering why I keep referring to my period as 'her' it's because a period is not that we 'do... it's not a verb. It's not something that is done to us... it's not an explanation of something. A period is a noun.... not a place, not a thing... a single entity that consists of it's own emotions and agenda and personality. She.

She changes everything....

As hard as we try to neatly wrap and fold and double flush, there's only so much we can do....  we're well aware of how disgusting it is to take out the trash. In the same way, we dig and bury and hide any evidence in the laundry pile the best we can. The household's toilet paper use and the monthly budget... both affected greatly by our unwelcome monthly guest. We know that she has erased any chance our husband ever had of being entitled to having a bad day.... ever. Our sex life changes, too... but it's no secret that, at times, she is our only not-so-secret weapon.

And the hormones..... are completely misunderstood!

Let me explain...

When 'on the rag', yes, hormones change... commercials become sadder (or happier... or scarier...), a simple question or well-intentioned comment become off-handed and are an open invitation to the pent-up, smart-ass response we've been secretly harboring, and a normally welcomed hug warrants the biting off of your head.

But there's another side to the 'bitch' that doesn't get quite enough credit and I'd like to introduce her...

the part of us that is 'lazy' is the part that cringes every time we stand up or bends over or picks up a child because we are reminded each time we do of where the word 'tide' came from in the term 'crimson tide'... and there's no stopping it.

 the part of us that refuses 'spooning' is the part of us that climbs, oh so carefully into bed with the goal of finding the most comfortable position in as little time and with as little movement as possible because we will remain in that position for the entire night knowing that if we move, the tide returns... but in bed? Things become a whole lot more complicated.

the part of us that 'holds it' in the morning until we're in physical pain is the part that is knows that anything we need to do in that bathroom is humiliating and can't be done in mixed company.

the part of us that might usually smirk at a light smack on the butt gets angry at any attention... from our husband, a  stranger, a dog... directed at the entire center region of our body and for many reasons; for the products that are holding us together, for the extreme effort we make to 'hold it in', and for the possibly, possibly-non irrational fear that we smell anything but 'sweet'.

the part of us that is well aware that if anyone, and I mean anyone single-handedly bled THIS much from any part of their body, it would warrant a 911 call, many many stitches, and possible surgery.... and we'd GLADY take all 3 as a fair trade every month.

She is responsible for 95% of those 'hormones' that get so much attention.

No one prepares you for this dirty little secret.... it goes so far beyond a week of rampant emotions and an overlapping week of just plain grossness. It changes things....

It turns your marriage into a three-some.

It's the shadow that hangs over the household no matter how hard she tries to hide it.

For a man, it makes her untouchable.... and why does that seem to make her more desirable?!

For a woman, it makes her disgusting, revolting even, to herself and nothing anyone can say can change that.

Side note.... Why don't women on TV have periods?!

 Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda don't get them. Meredith, Bailey, Addison, Arizona, Callie, and Christina.... don't get periods. Even the Teen Mom girls don't get them!

A period and ovulation.... the only two things that must happen in order for a woman's body to have the ability to conceive.

And one of them NEVER happens on TV!

Rant over.

My period, regardless of the mutual respect we once had for each other, has never done me any favors. The curves? Still waiting. The budding maturity? Depends on the day. Ovulation? Got that down. Marriage? We're a three-some. Conceiving? Negative.

Until....

We are now 4 weeks post-D&E. We lost our precious #3 four weeks ago. My sweet husband and I had been a two-some for the first time in our entire marriage for 4 full months....

And like clock-work, our three-some returned.

I won't get into a 'post- D&E' explanation with you ... but let me just say...

I hate her.

In the day of Adam and Eve, the consequence of Adam's disobedience was a life-time of work. God's punishment for Eve's disobedience is commonly thought to be the pain of child-birth.... and, even though I haven't experienced child-birth, I can see how that's rough.

But here's the thing.

I might never experience child-birth... but I suffer the consequences of Eve's disobedience every.single.month. And this month? This month is rough.

This month, I hate her.

Eve.

Well... and my period.

The pain and discomfort and emotions? They're all different this month... so much worse.... so much messier..... so much more emotional and painful and scary; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  And they probably will be for a while, I'm guessing.

This girl? This month? My list of excuses is long.... really long.

Once in a while, life's a bitch. And once in a while, a girl deserves to be one, too.

 Period.