I wanted to find a special way to acknowledge Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and a few words continue to float through my mind and my heart...
Embarrassment. Guilt. Quiet. Sadness. Fear.
We lost our precious #3 2 years ago, but the pain is still fresh... I've travelled through feeling embarrassed that my body couldn't do what it was 'supposed' to do. I've carried the weight of guilt on my own shoulders that a precious life is missing from our family. I've isolated certain people... and sadness continues to be a common theme throughout some of my days. I'm scared that our #3 will one day be forgotten.
We've received so much support since sharing our story and I've been floored and honored by how many women have in turn, shared their losses with me... but some of them are women I know. Women I know really really well. But I didn't know about the most precious part of their heart that is missing.
Why is that? Why the silence and secrecy about the babies that our hearts break for every day?
Hundreds of organizations are spending today celebrating and remembering the lives of the missing pieces of our world.... of our hearts. Families will release balloons or butterflies in honor of their sweet baby. As sweet as those celebrations are, thousands of woman... like me... just aren't in a place to make their day of remembrance that public... that big.
But our babies deserve to be remembered. WE deserve to honor them and remember them...
So here... in the safety of this blog... of my own haven...
Will you share your baby with me?
It's a tall order... it might take you a while to share... and sometimes our memories are painful... but will you?
I would love nothing more than to fill today with the memories of our babies.
Leave a comment here or on Facebook introducing us to your sweet pea.... don't just copy and paste a previous blog post... take a second to really remember. Tell me your story or simply give me a name or date... does a specific quote or verse remind you of your baby? Tell me.
Remember your baby today~ shamelessly, without guilt or fear or embarrassment... I know that the sadness is inevitable but I would love nothing more than to 'meet' your angel today!
And if you're really brave, introduce your angel to your friends and family; let the world know that we're not a statistic... We're mama's and daddy's who have pieces of our hearts waiting for us in Heaven!
I tried to share with you before, and I will try again for the sake of our little ones. Mattie Claire - 6/30/13
ReplyDeletehttp://www.oursweetlifeonline.com/2013/10/remembering-our-babies-pregnancy-infant.html
Her whole story: http://www.oursweetlifeonline.com/p/all-about-mattie.html
DeleteOkay, that's kind of what I thought. Thanks for caring though. :-(
DeleteI'm sorry Sherry... I've been having problems with blogger comments for months. I've also tried commenting on your sweet blog dozens of times but can only do that from my husbands computer and well, he's out of town quite a bit lately. My phone seems to cooperate on a strict schedule too. I shared Mattie's story the other day with a friend if mine who lost we precious son at 33 weeks... I can't imagine your pain. What we've been through doesn't seem to touch the tragedy of losing your precious, perfect baby girl. Your transparency has spoken to me since we lost our #3 and I'm so thankful that you reached out to me... I know my seeming silence is hurtful and I want you to know that it was unintentional... I wanted to have a chance to write more to you than just 'thanks for sharing'
DeleteMine is sad on all levels. It was a pregnancy that took me by surprise. Conceived during non-consensual date rape. I only knew about the pregnancy for about a month. The father was a much older man who was and has again become a good friend of mine. But I had a child two years before who I had placed for adoption and I was still in full blown grief from that placement. I knew I could not do it again. I was tormented. What would I do?
ReplyDeleteThe first sonogram I had showed a little beginning of a person, with a cute little heart beat. But the size of my little peanut wasn't just right.
I had a sonogram every week there after and each time the sonogram tech wouldn't say much but I could see that my little one's heartbeat was slowing down.
At my final sonogram the technician looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, but you are about to lose this pregnancy."
I just laid there and said I knew that was probably going to happen.
She looked at me and said "I guess I have never seen someone take news like that so well."
The truth is I was conflicted. This was the end of a pregnancy that I didn't expect. I had no idea how I was going to handle having another child when I had given one away such a short time before.
So part of me was relieved. The pleading of my heart for a clear answer about this pregnancy was answered. But as soon as it happened, I suddenly realized it was a strange emptiness that I was replaced with.
A few weeks after the miscarriage, I called the father who I had been avoiding like crazy. I had not wanted to tell him about the pregnancy because I knew that he would have wanted us to parent the child together and I couldn't imagine that. (He and I are 20 years apart in age.)
However, when I told him about the pregnancy and miscarriage, I found that it choked me up a bit. As I expected, he first apologized profusely for the circumstances surrounding the little one's conception (I was passed out from drinking too many margaritas on a hot day in his pool). Then he looked at me and said, "You know how excited I would have been for a little one? He/she could have ridden on the tractor with me. I would have all the time in the world to spend with him/her. It would have been so nice to have another child." (He is now retired and works the family farm as something to keep him busy. He also has one son in college who is his life.)
Now, when I think back, I wonder "what if?". What if he/she would have survived? My little peanut would have been a year old in May. I would have the pitter patter of little feet in my kitchen again.
Maybe he/she would have helped heal my broken heart that is forever broken since relinquishing my daughter for adoption in 2010.
I will never know. But I will always wonder.
I remember the first time you reached out to me... a few emails exchanged and you told me about your precious baby on the way. I remember your confusion and how it was mixed with excitement but I didn't know these details. I was so touched that you trusted me with such an intimate piece of your life. And then you lost your baby... and I remember feeling so conflicted for you; devastated at the loss of that sweet life but relieved because I could sense something that felt like shame... but it wasn't. Friend, you've been through more than I can list and I admire your honesty, especially today. I don't know many people who could come out on the other side as strong and you are. Love you, Lisa... so thankful for you and all of your sweet babies :-)
DeleteSharing in memory of our sweet "wee" one loss @ 8 weeks in October 2006...my 1st pregnancy. It was early, but for four weeks I knew our baby was growing inside of me. Also, in memory of a good friends little baby Kinsley, she passed away the night before the day she was scheduled to be born via c-section this past March...:(
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing, Courtney... praying for you and your friend tonight :-) ~ Lindsay
DeleteHi Lindsay!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your blog! I love reading it!
Adam and I found out we were pregnant on Christmas Day last year. We were ecstatic...a little shocked, but thrilled! I called my doctor for an appointment and we were able to get in a couple if days later.
I am never regular so I had no idea of how far along I was. When I got there they confirmed me as pregnant and did an ultrasound. They didn't see anything but they were also not concerned because they thought I was just super early.
We went home and told our parents the great news. It was a day later when I started feeling and seeing the symptoms of miscarriage. I new in my heart what was happening.
There is no other feeling in the world to describe what is going in other than gut-wrenching. I was left in complete horror and denial.
We went back to the doctor a couple of days later and they confirmed me as not pregnant. I couldn't wrap my mind around having being just in the same office a couple of days earlier with so much excitement and joy and then now experiencing feelings of grief.
I was probably about 8 weeks pregnant. We left and I told Adam I wanted to stop by the store on our way home to remember our precious gift. I bought 2 balloons, a pink one and a blue one. We got home and as a family released the balloons in the air. The balloons were tied together and as soon as I let go of them, the pink one dropped and the blue on led in the air. Call me crazy, but I truly believe that was our little boy.
We also got a teddy bear Leah named "Charlie" who sits on Leah's bed.
Thank you for using your blog as an awareness tool for this special day...and many other things!
I am praying for you and we will hold our precious little ones soon!
Elizabeth :)
We lost our #3, a baby boy at 19 Weeks, our #4 at 12 Weeks, and #5 at 11.5 Weeks. Our first came easily and unplanned. Our second child took a little trying. After that it was 5 years before I became pregnant with #3. Two years after that #4 and a year later #5. We lost our last baby about 18 months ago. Each lost has been so difficult for our two kids and us. When people ask when we are going to have another baby I normally lie and say we are finished and our family is complete. It's too difficult to say how badly I want to have another baby. I'm scared of getting pregnant again. I'm afraid of the short lived excitement that is only followed by grief. I'm afraid of hurting my kids. I hate hearing how it'll be ok and we can always try again. I hate that each time I start getting ready for the baby I end up having to find the strength to box it back up and pot it back in storage in hopes of a next time.
ReplyDeleteWe have lost 2 babies kael was born april 12th 2008 & passed away oct 4th 2008. He is sn amazing boy who was such a fighter. Our second baby we lost was in may 2012 due to miscarriage at 7 weeks. Each angel Is amazing in my books. Hugs and prayers to you. You can see our journey at www.brigetterushworth.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteWe lost our baby #3 in October 2013 (at 8 wks) and most recently our baby #4 in Feb 2014 (at 14 wks). I just stumbled upon your wonderful blog last night. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart.
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