As we near the day, one year ago, that we lost our precious Number 3, I am completely overwhelmed with so many emotions...
That day tragically welcomed me... initiated me... into a 'club' that no one ever wants to be a part of.
Can I be honest?
I had spent years.... YEARS.... basking in the comfort of 'just knowing' that we had been through enough heartache, enough pain and disappointment, that God would spare us from that.
Right?!
Of course He would.
Of course He would.
We had met our max... had experienced more than our fair share of failed infertility treatments, month after month... year after year of 'trying', too many failed matches, quite a few frantic packing sessions and plan making and plane-ticket-buying only to end up empty handed...
and at the end of it all, at least I could take comfort in the fact that, because of our infertility.... because we simply couldn't get pregnant in the first place... that my Jesus would save us from that... the unmentionable.... that thing that no one talks about...
miscarriage....
and ultimately, the death of a baby.
Don't get me wrong, we have lost DOZENS of babies in our 8 years of marriage...
but every one of them is walking and talking and living today...
not with us...
but they are.
And that loss, though different, never leaves you alone, either....
I know each one by name. I knew and loved their mama's with all my heart. We planned for them... prepared our home and hearts for them. They will always be part of our 'extended' family...
but they're still there... somewhere.
And I think about each one of the every single day.
And I think about each one of the every single day.
And then it happened...
A surprise pregnancy came with elation and amazement at the miracles He has done in our lives...
and then it was gone.
Our precious #3.
A surprise pregnancy came with elation and amazement at the miracles He has done in our lives...
and then it was gone.
Our precious #3.
And our world was shattered.
It took months for me to work through what had happened....
How did God think we could handle this?!
How do you have sex for 8 years... TRY for so long... and then just 'happen' to get pregnant?!
How can God bless you in such an enormous, life changing way... and then rip it from your grasp so tragically?
I was so mad. At God.
But then it happened again...
And here we are.... 1 year since we lost our #3, 24 weeks into my second pregnancy, and about 15 weeks away from meeting our newest son...
A boy!
I've spent the past couple of months trying to figure out what to write... how to write.
I remember 'those blogs'... I've read dozens of them;
infertility, adoption, loss... and a surprise pregnancy...
and all of a sudden, all of those things that bound us... the one's we had in common... the desperate emotions I felt that were so perfectly placed into sentences were replaced with belly pictures and comparisons of babies to fruit...
those things were gone. The pain of infertility? It was somehow gone.
So I stopped reading.
I won't do that here... I refuse.... but that explains my silence recently...
As miraculous and as exciting as this time in our lives is, our precious fruit-sized baby doesn't change the fact that infertility has defined me for so long.
I'm still infertile.
And I know that that's a tough one to swallow but friends, it's true....
A pregnancy can't erase the years and years of longing and dreaming and suffering and crying out to Jesus...
because those moments, that heartache, is responsible for who I am today.
Those times define major milestones in my faith and my relationship with my Jesus... with my husband. They collected and accumulated to make me the mom I am to our 2 miracles through adoption...
they will make me the mom I will be to our newest baby, too.
So here I am...
31 years old.... 8 years since we started trying to get pregnant... 2 adoptions in to the growth of our beautiful family... dozens of losses through adoption and 1 tragic loss of our first homegrown baby... 24 weeks into our second pregnancy... 15 weeks away from meeting our second son...
and I'm still infertile.
And I'm terrified.
I know how to do infertile....
I'm a pro.
Growing a baby? Remembering with every glance in the mirror at my growing belly and with every somersault and kick that this is what my heart desired... remembering that this is what I asked for, what I longed for...
finding comfort in the fulfillment of His promises...
and trying so desperately to trust...
that we won't lose this one, too.
My heart still aches for our precious #3... and my arms ache for our #4.
I'm wishing time away, friends...
counting down the days, minutes, and seconds until I can finally hold this sweet baby boy.
And as 'that day' one year ago closes in, I've spent so much time grasping for closure to the tragedy that we experienced just one year ago... trying to find purpose in the lowest low and now the highest high of God's plan for us... trying to answer those questions of 'how' and 'why'...
and it's only recently that I've discovered something;
I will never find 'purpose' in death.
And it's actually ok that Jesus chose this to be part of our story... it's painful and I wish he had chosen to let our sweet #3 stay... but it's ok.
God never promises life on Earth...
He DOES promise life in eternity.
John 3:16- For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will NOT die but have eternal LIFE.
Our earthly bodies and minds will never be able to accept death... we're not supposed to... we're not built with the capacity to rationalize something as terrible and as painful as losing those we love; the ones Jesus put in our lives to strengthen and teach us and help us grow.
The purpose we can find is in life... even if that life flashed by in the blink of an eye.
Our only goal as parents is to raise our children to know Jesus... their creator... the writer of their stories... the author of the miracles that gave them to us...
and by doing that, Joey and I know that our family will one day be complete and whole in Heaven.
What greater gift can you give your family than life in eternity together and the hope that comes with knowing we'll never have to live apart?
The loss of our precious #3 will hurt every day until the day we are all together again...
but we will be together again. And that's the promise I've found in the loss of our baby... Jesus helped us fulfill our deepest desire as parents; to see our babies in eternity... whenever He's ready for us.
And that is the purpose I have found in the short, but oh-so-sweet life of our #3. That sweet baby is waiting for us, giving us purpose and comfort here in this life, allowing us to rest in the knowledge that someone is waiting for us... waiting to complete us.
And this baby... Our #4... our son?
Every wave and every kick reminds me that, while 'infertile' will always be a word that defines me... while loss still feels so close and raw... while fear and anxiety stand at the cusp of stealing my joy...
new life is coming.
I'm learning how to do this thing called 'pregnant'... it's not easy. I'm learning that the miracles that create life inside of one and place it in her arms are full of as many unknowns and challenges as the miracles that create life inside one and place it in the arms of another.
Today I am grateful for the short life of our #3 and rest in knowing that he/she is safely waiting for me in the arms of Jesus...
and I'm grateful for the life inside of me that reminds me throughout each day that life is what we are promised...
Whether we find the fulfillment of that promise here on Earth...
or in eternity with him.
A boy!
I've spent the past couple of months trying to figure out what to write... how to write.
I remember 'those blogs'... I've read dozens of them;
infertility, adoption, loss... and a surprise pregnancy...
and all of a sudden, all of those things that bound us... the one's we had in common... the desperate emotions I felt that were so perfectly placed into sentences were replaced with belly pictures and comparisons of babies to fruit...
those things were gone. The pain of infertility? It was somehow gone.
So I stopped reading.
I won't do that here... I refuse.... but that explains my silence recently...
As miraculous and as exciting as this time in our lives is, our precious fruit-sized baby doesn't change the fact that infertility has defined me for so long.
I'm still infertile.
And I know that that's a tough one to swallow but friends, it's true....
A pregnancy can't erase the years and years of longing and dreaming and suffering and crying out to Jesus...
because those moments, that heartache, is responsible for who I am today.
Those times define major milestones in my faith and my relationship with my Jesus... with my husband. They collected and accumulated to make me the mom I am to our 2 miracles through adoption...
they will make me the mom I will be to our newest baby, too.
So here I am...
31 years old.... 8 years since we started trying to get pregnant... 2 adoptions in to the growth of our beautiful family... dozens of losses through adoption and 1 tragic loss of our first homegrown baby... 24 weeks into our second pregnancy... 15 weeks away from meeting our second son...
and I'm still infertile.
And I'm terrified.
I know how to do infertile....
I'm a pro.
Growing a baby? Remembering with every glance in the mirror at my growing belly and with every somersault and kick that this is what my heart desired... remembering that this is what I asked for, what I longed for...
finding comfort in the fulfillment of His promises...
and trying so desperately to trust...
that we won't lose this one, too.
My heart still aches for our precious #3... and my arms ache for our #4.
I'm wishing time away, friends...
counting down the days, minutes, and seconds until I can finally hold this sweet baby boy.
And as 'that day' one year ago closes in, I've spent so much time grasping for closure to the tragedy that we experienced just one year ago... trying to find purpose in the lowest low and now the highest high of God's plan for us... trying to answer those questions of 'how' and 'why'...
and it's only recently that I've discovered something;
I will never find 'purpose' in death.
And it's actually ok that Jesus chose this to be part of our story... it's painful and I wish he had chosen to let our sweet #3 stay... but it's ok.
God never promises life on Earth...
He DOES promise life in eternity.
John 3:16- For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will NOT die but have eternal LIFE.
Our earthly bodies and minds will never be able to accept death... we're not supposed to... we're not built with the capacity to rationalize something as terrible and as painful as losing those we love; the ones Jesus put in our lives to strengthen and teach us and help us grow.
The purpose we can find is in life... even if that life flashed by in the blink of an eye.
Our only goal as parents is to raise our children to know Jesus... their creator... the writer of their stories... the author of the miracles that gave them to us...
and by doing that, Joey and I know that our family will one day be complete and whole in Heaven.
What greater gift can you give your family than life in eternity together and the hope that comes with knowing we'll never have to live apart?
The loss of our precious #3 will hurt every day until the day we are all together again...
but we will be together again. And that's the promise I've found in the loss of our baby... Jesus helped us fulfill our deepest desire as parents; to see our babies in eternity... whenever He's ready for us.
And that is the purpose I have found in the short, but oh-so-sweet life of our #3. That sweet baby is waiting for us, giving us purpose and comfort here in this life, allowing us to rest in the knowledge that someone is waiting for us... waiting to complete us.
And this baby... Our #4... our son?
Every wave and every kick reminds me that, while 'infertile' will always be a word that defines me... while loss still feels so close and raw... while fear and anxiety stand at the cusp of stealing my joy...
new life is coming.
I'm learning how to do this thing called 'pregnant'... it's not easy. I'm learning that the miracles that create life inside of one and place it in her arms are full of as many unknowns and challenges as the miracles that create life inside one and place it in the arms of another.
Today I am grateful for the short life of our #3 and rest in knowing that he/she is safely waiting for me in the arms of Jesus...
and I'm grateful for the life inside of me that reminds me throughout each day that life is what we are promised...
Whether we find the fulfillment of that promise here on Earth...
or in eternity with him.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is inspirational and REAL. I am praying for you and your family. :) - Stephanie
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!! I have enjoyed your blog so much! We also adopted a sweet baby girl just a few weeks younger than Hannah, and have an almost 2 year old son with hearing loss. Thank you for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteOh my God. This was touching in a way I can't describe. May the good Lord continue to heal you and bless you abundantly as you have graciously shared your testimony with us.
ReplyDelete