Miracle #4 (Part I)~ Guest Post by Joey Smith; Audacious Faith

2012 is a year I will never forget.  There aren’t many years in my life that really stand out, but 2012 is a year that does.  2012 is the year I met my 2.5lb inspiration.  You have already read Lindsay’s posts about Hunter’s birth and how difficult things were.  We moved, lived in the hospital for a few months and lived apart from each other as we did what we had to do to keep our family together and moving forward. 

 

I’m going to fast forward through our two and a half months in the NICU to one of the toughest things I have ever experienced.  The day we were supposed to bring Hunter home from NICU number 1. The day they told us he was going to die.

 

As we got closer to the day Hunter was supposed to go home, we became more and more excited.  We had seen Hunter overcome so much and in our eyes he was growing and doing great.  The day Hunter was supposed to be discharged Lindsay went to the hospital early in the morning.  I got to there late the night before so I slept in that morning.  I had just gotten up and got moving when I received Lindsay’s text.  “You need to get here right now”.  All I could think was, something bad happened to Hunter.  Lindsay had been essentially living by herself for the past 6 weeks so she could be near Hunter and she had been so strong. I hadn't gotten a text like that from her so I knew something was really wrong.

 

When I got to the hospital I went into the NICU and Lindsay was sitting there crying with Hunter’s doctor standing in front of her, his hand on her shoulder.  I walked up to the doctor and asked him what the problem was.  He began to explain that he had discovered something with Hunter’s most recent medical tests that he had not seen before in Hunter's tests and had only seen a handful of times in his career.  He  proceeded to tell me that Hunter would live a short life and his quality of life would slowly decrease  As Lindsay was trying to hold it together I was trying to understand where this had come from, why it had not been seen before and I felt desperate for more details about this diagnosis.   The doctor left, saying that he would call a meeting that morning with us and all of Hunter's specialists, and that we would learn more then. Lindsay had run out of the NICU already and before I could find her I had to collect myself. I picked up Hunter, kissed him on the head and laid him back down. I walked out of the NICU as fast as I could as I felt myself falling apart.  I did not want Lindsay to see me.  I had to hold it together.  I walked into the courtyard and called my mom.  I explained to her what the doctor said and she started crying on the other end of the phone.  I asked her make the trip to come help us.  I didn't know what we needed but I knew we needed family there. I also know my wife and I knew she was already on the phone with her mom. I knew her mom would come as soon as she could, too.

 

All I could think was “We have to get home.”  I had to get my family and son home to some kind of normal life and to some of the best specialists in the country. After I hung up with my mom I called our adoption agency. Hunter was in their custody until discharge and they needed to know the latest news.

Our agency is small and we have built a great relationship with everyone that works there.  When I called 'D' (the agency director) I explained to her what the doctor had just told us. 'D's response caught me off guard. "You don't have to keep this baby."  Bad choice of words. Still, she was in shock, too and her intentions were pure. I don’t tell you this that to be negative.  I say that to tell you that she was willing to do whatever she could to support US and what we thought was best for us and our family.  We had another child to consider.  We had to decide what was best for our family.  I immediately cut her off and without thinking, the words just came out…”This is our son and we aren’t going anywhere.  We are not leaving him.  I just have to figure out how to get him home. Quickly.”  Hunter had fought so hard to get to this point.  What kind of person would I be if I gave up on him now?  How could I look at myself every morning or explain to Hannah what happened, what WE did, if we quit on him?  I have never had to make a decision like that.  One that involved life or death.   Lindsay and I didn’t need to discuss it, we were both on the same page.  This was our son.   I said it the first time I held him and I knew she felt the same way.

 

I hung up the phone and reaction mode kicked in.  Now I have to figure out what to do.  I have to get Hunter to home.  That is where we have support, friends, family, church and that is where one of the best children’s hospitals in the country is.  It’s time to be a man and make big decisions.  I pulled myself together, got a drink of water and went back into the NICU.  Lindsay was already back with Hunter, holding him.  I couldn't make eye contact with her yet. I looked at the doctor who had just given us Hunter’s death sentence and told him to call the hospital closest to us and arrange transportation.  By this time, some family members who had connections at that Children's hospital had already called and spoken to the hospital administrator.  They sent a jet and team of people to pick Hunter up.  Hunter was on the plane and in his new NICU in less than 2 hours.  (Read Lindsay’s post about the first time Hannah met her brother).  We cancelled our meeting, requested that every single medical record be sent IN PAPER to the next NICU, and we loaded up the cars and made plans to get home as fast as we could. 

 

In my hurry to get to the NICU that morning, I had grabbed my ipad on the way out the door.  After the phone call with our agency I picked up my iPad and opened Pastor Steven Furtick’s book “Sun Stand Still”.  I had read the book three times before and I always got something new out of it.  This time I was reading for specific phrases.  I was looking for a promise that everything would be ok.  I read the same verse over and over again....

 

Joshua 1:5 ^5 “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

 

I have loved this verse since I was young.  I like to consider it my life verse.  But this time it had a whole different meaning;  Whatever the outcome, good or bad, God was going to be with us.  He alone would get us through anything.  I had a responsibility to trust him and listen. He would tell me what I needed to do to help my family. To help my son. He had brought us this far and he would take care of the rest.  He would never leave us or forsake us.  This was His plan for our lives at this moment and that was all that mattered.  Everything else was secondary.  It was like God kept telling me to be still…just be still.  Then I read another verse...

 

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”.

 

Hunter would be ok. I didn't know what that looked like at that moment but I had to trust the God who had already saved my son too many times to count. He would be ok. 

 

There is something very special about both of our children. Hannah has the sweetest heart of any child I have ever known. She is an angel. Hunter is tough as nails. He is a fighter. He is not going to give up. God brought him this far and he didn’t bring him this far to let something bad happen. He didn't bring him this far so he could die. I like to think I realized all of this the first time I held Hunter, but the truth is, I had thought about it, but I didn’t really believe it. I didn’t have enough faith to truly believe it. I couldn’t guarantee that something bad wouldn’t happen. I didn't find that guarantee but I did find God's promise to never leave us and to fight for us. Hunter had fought hard already but now I knew with all my heart that God was in the fight with him.

 

As you know now, Hunter is growing and thriving.  I'll let Lindsay finish the story of this miracle in another post. As a husband and father there are no words to describe what it’s like to see your family in turmoil.  The worst part is that you are expected to be the strong one and the one who holds it together for everyone else.  I have bared the weight of that responsibility since I was a kid.  I have to tell you, I have never prayed and trusted God more at any other time in my life than I did when we decided to take our son home. To top it off, we were taking him home against the advice of the doctor's who had known him since birth.  I was terrified.  What if Hunter doesn’t make it?  How are we going to explain all of this to Hannah?  How is Lindsay going to hold up through all of this?  How much more can she take?

 

Then I realized….we don’t have time to worry about these things…..and we don’t need to.  God was telling us to trust him and let him show the world how big He is.    

 

“….… don’t you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land.  Keep moving out deeper.  Keep reaching up.”

~ Pastor Steven Furtick

 

I have learned more from Hunter than he may ever learn from me.  He is a strong young man with determination, fight and perseverance.  He will go far in life.  I have no doubt about that.  He will accomplish whatever he wants in life.  I will never forget the late nights I would go to the hospital and hold him because I had been gone all week and just wanted to see him.  I would have held him all night if I could.  I always told him to keep fighting and that Daddy was here and I would do anything I could to take care of him.  The thing I didn’t realize is that I needed Hunter more than he needed me.  Hunter personifies the faith of a child.  The faith God calls all of us to have in Luke 18:17.   God had placed his hand on this baby and promised him a future.  Now God was using Hunter to show me that he had a plan for us.  His plan would grow my faith to levels I have never experienced and he used and is still using Hunter to do that.  I prayed Sun Stand Still prayers many times when Hunter was in the hospital.  I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything in my life.  I tried hard to hide any emotions from Lindsay and Hannah because I was afraid if they saw me worry or be afraid it would bring everyone down.  I had to remain positive and upbeat even when we were all physically and emotionally exhausted.  But I also had to learn how to be vulnerable. The emotions were real and I needed to feel them. I learned that Lindsay needed to see me feel them, too. Then I would go to the hospital by myself, hold my son and pray.  Pray for him, pray for strength, pray for understanding and pray that God would get us all home soon.  To whatever 'home' he chose.

 

Every time I hold Hunter I think about where he came from.  I still see that little boy fighting for life.  But the thing that will always stand out to me is the audacious faith that Hunter has in him and the faith he has brought out in everyone who experienced this time in our lives.  I've seen Hunter's story bring out the faith of people who read this blog, too. Hunter lives a Sun Stand Still life. God used this 2.5 pound miracle to turn my life upside down and radically alter my faith. 

 

Through all of this, the biggest thing I have realized is that God isn’t the one who tests our faith.  People and circumstances test our faith.  God never changes.  He never has and never will.  He has promised us that.  Faith is believing that our God is bigger than any circumstance.  The hardest part of faith is remembering that when you are staring your circumstance in the eye, God won’t blink. 

 

I would encourage each of you, no matter where you are or what you're going through to read Sun Stand Still by Pastor Furtick.  I hope that at some point in your life you experience a time that will be etched into your memory as a time that grew your faith exponentially.  If you have already experienced that time, I hope you will continue to build on it.  Never forget the promise we have been given...

      

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”.

 

God doesn’t promise that everything will always be “ok”.  Sometimes the outcome isn’t what we want but it is the outcome God wants.  I had to be ok with that, too. Despite the circumstances or outcome he will never leave us.  He is always there and will always fight for us.  He fought for Hunter and he will fight for you.  Not only did he fight for Hunter, he brought Hunter home and at the same time he brought me home.  So when you feel like you have gone as far as you can and the world is testing your faith….LET IT!!  Because the more your faith is tested the more God can show off.  Keep going, keep moving forward and you may just witness a miracle.   

 

-          ~ Joey

 

**   I am very proud of my wife and the thousands of people she has reached through this blog.  Lindsay is blessed with the gift of writing and reaching people through her words.  I know God is using her in mighty ways. She is a wonderful wife and such an amazing mother. I am very lucky that God chose her for me. **

 

 

Guest Posts; Stories

My next 2 guest posts come from very different perspectives... my first post is written by Christa. Christa's in laws have started an adoption foundation and she has written about her favorite adoption story from outside of the immediate adoption world. All adoption stories are unique and miraculous but this one touched her specifically... and it's not hard to see why;

My favorite adoption story to date is actually a story of several adoptions within one growing family. The Longstreth's, a middle class white couple living in Florida, decided approximately 8 years ago to adopt a little African American baby girl. A couple years later when they found out her birth mother was pregnant again, they adopted #1's biological little sister. Daddy Longstreth is a professor at a small private Christian college and is also a full time Preacher. This family made the conscious decision to serve God in their daily lives and to teach their children to follow suit. As the girls grew older, they knew that God still had big plans for their family. 3 years ago almost exactly, a baby boy was born in Northern California and he has Downs Syndrome. Many people would have considered this baby not the "right fit" for this reason alone, but not this family. He was the perfect fit for their family and although he was in the NICU for several months, they took turns flying out here to CA to be with him for weeks at a time, knowing he was their son and that he'd eventually make the journey HOME to Florida. When #3 was 5 months old, he got to go home! He was on Oxygen and they had to fight with their insurance to pay for his medi flight to Florida but eventually they did, so this family could have their son with them.

About a year ago exactly they heard of another baby to be born whose ethnicity could not be confirmed by his birth mother. She thought no one would want her baby when people didn't know what skin color to expect. Do you see a problem here folks?Nope! This family didn't either. They welcomed #4 with open arms and in May of this year, he was born and they brought him home. Thinking this time their family was complete, God showed them they were wrong! Never having been able to conceive on their own,In September of this year the Longstreth's celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary! On their anniversary, Mommy Longstreth confirmed at her Dr's office that she is in fact pregnant! #5 being due in March 2013. This means #4 and #5 will be just 10 months apart! They aren't scared or worried at all. They are ecstatic and excited to continue down this road God sets before them. I continue to be amazed and proud of the exemplary life this family leads. Their values and love shine through each of these babies and I can't wait to see what else is in store for them.

~ Thank you for sharing, Christa... the Longstreth family is living an adoptive family's dream! What a special family God is continuing to build!

My second guest post is written by Stacy. Stacy and I have gotten to know each other through our blogs over the past couple years... we also brought our babies home through the same agency! Stacy shared their story of bringing home their sweet son, Will;

My name is Stacy and I am an adoptive mother to a wonderful little boy named Will. Will was born on May 13, 2011 and has been with us since that day. Adopting Will has been life changing for my husband, Bryan and I. We can not imagine life without Will. Everyday, we praise God that he chose Will to be our son forever.

Leading up to our adoption, Bryan and I had a very rocky road with infertility issues. I have had four miscarriages and lots of different types of fertility treatments. Nothing seem to be working and I was so tired of being disappointed every single month. Adoption had always been in the back of my mind but nothing we had discussed openly. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go back to the doctor and I couldn't keep up the cycle of trying to get pregnant. Bryan and I had a very serious conversation one day about quitting all treatments and taking a different route. Adoption was the topic of our conversation and we decided to pursue it. We talked about the fact that we just wanted to be parents and love a child. We were just going to have to build our family in a different way and that was ok with us.

The adoption process can be very scary and we had no idea where to begin. So, we knew some friends through friends that had adopted. We contacted them and they met with us one night. They were open books and we could ask them anything. Nothing was off limits. They were such a wonderful resource and got us started in the right direction.

The next year and a half seemed to creep by but in a nutshell: we decided on an agency, completed all paperwork, home study, and required classes and trainings. We finally became officially waiting and that was the best part and the hardest part of the process because we had nothing to do but just wait. We tried to stay busy with other things in our lives but we jumped every time the phone rang. Just waiting and waiting and waiting for ten months. Now I know you think ten months is not a long time but when you are waiting on something so special it seems like forever!

Finally, one day I had a message from the agency. They wanted us to meet with a birth mother on a Friday afternoon. Of course, we both took off work, didn't sleep a wink the night before, and were almost sick to our stomachs on the way. Surprisingly, when we met our birth mother a peace come over us. She was just as nervous as we were but after just a few minutes of talking, everyone relaxed. She was great and we were so fortunate to be able to meet with her and get to know her before Will was born. Before we left she told us she chose us to be Will's parents. That was a surreal moment for Bryan and I. We had wanted something for so long and we were finally going to have the opportunity to be parents.

On a funny note, the agency never really told us how far along she was, they just told us she is really pregnant! Well, she was due in a week! So not only were we going to have a son but we were going to get him a week!

Right on schedule, the following Friday the agency called us and told us that our son Will had been born early that morning. Bryan and I called work, made arrangements and headed to the hospital. When we got there, Will was still in the nursery being fed and was being checked out. We had the absolute best hospital experience. They assigned us our on room so that we could stay with Will overnight. The nurses and staff were absolutely amazing! Our birth mother was in a different room and Bryan and I each went to her and spent some time with her before she left. We promised her that we would take absolute great care of him and that we were so honored that she chose us to be his parents. She was so strong and supportive of us and her decision.

Will was perfectly healthy! We stayed with him in the hospital till Sunday when we were released to go home. We did all the feedings, changing diapers, and just holding him. We bonded with him immediately and we were absolutely in love!

We brought Will home on May 15, 2011 and everything has been absolutely perfect! Will was a great baby and is growing into such a wonderful child. We finalized Will's adoption on November 21, 2011 during National Adoption Month.

We have a semi-open adoption with Will's birth family. We send cards, letters, and pictures to the adoption agency and they send them to the birth family. We love sharing with them how Will is growing and changing. I think they know that Will is part of such a wonderful family and has so many people who love him.

Adoption has changed us. Our hearts are bigger now and we never imagined we could love something so special. We know that God had all of this planned out for us we just had to be patient. He had the perfect son already chosen for Bryan and I. We feel like the special ones because we get to be Will's parents.

Bryan and I have a wonderful adoption story and we love sharing it! Thanks Lindsey for hosting our story on your blog. We love our adoption families and we have something wonderful in common: the gift of adoption!

You can read more of our story and see pictures of Will on my blog!

~ Thank you for sharing your story, Stacy... I have loved watching your journey to Mama-hood and your Will is precious! I'm anxious to find out if there will be a Baby Pruitt #2 at some point in the future ;-)



Guest Post- Surprise Infertility

'RMA' has become one of my sweetest friends over the past year. A loyal follower of our blog, a huge encouragement to me, and someone who prayed for us constantly through our journey to bring home Baby Smith #2... she is inspiring to me.

RMA stepped out of her comfort zone in order to bring light to a side of infertility that I don't know... it's a side that I know will speak to so many of you and I am so thankful for her willingness to share her story...

Her story, so far....

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If you were my friend on Facebook or followed me on Instagram, one of the first things you would notice is I have an adorable toddler. She will be two next year, and I am kind of obsessed with her.

I’m one of those moms.

I take pride in every {seemingly small} milestone she reaches, I post {an unnecessary amount} of weekly posts about cute things she says/does, and I {unapologetically} will never feel bad for talking about her so much.

So what is a person like me, with a happy, healthy baby that I birthed from my own body doing on a guest post on a blog where most of its readership comes from women/couples seeking out adoption or struggling with infertility?

My family fits into those categories now.

Most people don’t think that women who have birth children will reach a point in their life, in their prime birthing years, where infertility is an issue. Why would it be?

Although I’ve been reading Lindsay’s blog for quite sometime now, before any thoughts of infertility had ever crossed my mind, it’s true impact on me has only just begun.

You know how every time you reach a new phase of life everyone wants to know “What’s next?”…I’m there.

You know, you start dating someone… “When are you getting engaged?” ::check::

You get engaged… “When are you getting married?” ::check::

You get married… “When are you having a baby?” ::check::

You have your first baby… “When are you having another?” ….well, good question.

I get this question countless times a week, and sometimes I feel like I am asked multiple times a day. I can’t really blame anyone; I’ve never been sensitive to asking or receiving this question. Until a doctor visit I went to a few months ago.

My husband and I have been overjoyed in parenthood, and so we decided we wanted to start trying again for our second child earlier this year. Now, for most people, 8 months of trying and not getting pregnant would seem like no big deal. After all, it takes ‘normal’ couples sometimes a year to get pregnant, and then those who struggle with fertility it can take YEARS.

I think I left out something when I was talking about getting pregnant with my daughter.

My husband and I got pregnant in our first year of marriage. Unexpectedly. While I was on birth control.

Yeah, I was one of those.

Let me say for every woman who is or has been “one of those”, we can’t help how fast or unexpectedly we get pregnant. Sometimes I felt a little judged by friends who had been trying for awhile. You know, like it was ‘wrong’ of me to get pregnant so quickly. When really, it was just the Lord’s timing.

Ha. But oh, how the Lord works. More on that later.

So, 2012 rolls around and we make the plunge “let’s have another baby!” I honestly, naively expected to be pregnant the first month we started “trying” [charting, planning, you get the idea…]. But, 2 months went by, 4 months… now we are entering into our 9^th month of trying and still now second child. So, what’s the deal?

A few months ago I went in for my yearly OB/GYN appointment, during my appointment I was discussing with my doctor that we hadn’t yet gotten pregnant although we had been trying. I honestly felt silly even bringing it up, because I know that’s not even a ‘real’ time frame that they consider‘troubling’ if you haven’t gotten pregnant. Anyways, he tells me to start taking ovulation tests, we are probably just not hitting our window. Ok, easy fix.

I buy the ovulation tests. Month 1 passes, no ovulation. Month 2, no ovulation. Month 3… hmm, maybe I should call the doctor.

To sum up several appointments and conversations into one sentence: I now have learned my body doesn’t ovulate anymore.

Why? Well, we aren’t quite sure, but it may have something to do with my body being damaged during delivery of my first baby. Or hormones. Or a slew of other options.

So here I am. With a desire for a second baby. With the inability to ovulate.

So, what do I do about that? Well, that’s where we are now. Ovulation releases the egg. So, without a release of the egg, that means I won’t be having any more babies as long as this issue persists.

So, now we are searching our options, dancing between the sovereignty of the Lord’s plan and the grieving of my heart to carry and birth another child.

But, the beautiful thing Lindsay’s blog has ministered to my heart is that your children won’t always come from your body, but they always come from the Lord. So, while I still have a strong desire for a second child, that doesn’t necessarily mean he or she will be born from my body, but they will be MY child.

Of course I want my body to ‘work’ the way I think it should, but I was reminded while listening to Elevation Worship’s “Give Me Faith” that ‘my flesh may fail, but my God you NEVER will.”

So, my flesh is failing. It isn’t working the way I want it to. I’m not getting my way. But it isn’t about my way, it’s about His way.

And you know how I mentioned earlier I was one of “those women”, who got pregnant out of nowhere, with no plan or thought or charting. I have friends like that now. Close friends who are getting pregnant, quickly. Unexpectedly. And do you now what my mind tells me ?“Ugh, annoying.” But do you know what my heart tells me? “It is the Lord’s timing for them, just as much as it was and is for you.” I have to remember that I have to remain close to the Lord so that I think with a eternal mindset and not a fleshly selfishness. I know how it feels to be on both sides, and they both have their moments where much grace is needed. I don’t want to be someone who is bitter for someone else because I want what they have. So I choose to hope.

I HOPE to be faithful to this journey He has set me on.

I HOPE to be gracious and thankful as He provides my needs according to HIS will and not my own.

I HOPE to not lose sight of the fact that the desires of my heart are important to the Lord, and so I shouldn’t feel guilty about pleading with the Lord for a child born from my body.

I HOPE to not lose sight of the fact that God is perfect even if my understanding isn’t and He may answer that prayer by never giving me another child from my body.

I HOPE that I don’t get discouraged when people ask me“What’s next?” when I truly can’t answer that.

I HOPE whether my second child will be created in me or in another woman, that they will know the fullness of the Lord’s plan for them was known before they were even born.

Basically, every day, I choose to HOPE.

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Thank you, RMA... for praying me through so much and for being willing to share your heart. I am honored to be praying now for YOU... and I can't wait to see the end of this story that has just begun!

NAAM Interview Project; My Interview!

If you haven't read through my interview with Brandi at Okkar Lif, make sure you do that! I love her perspective on International Adoption and Special Needs Adoption... I could NOT have been paired with a better partner for Production, Not Reproduction's Interview Project!

Brandi sent me a list of amazing and incredibly though-provoking questions about our adoption experiences and especially experience with open adoption, since that is one main difference between International and Domestic Adoption. Her questions challenged me... and I loved it!

Thanks, Brandi... you're one tough Mama and I'm so glad to have 'met' you!

Our adoption stories are so similar and so different. The first question I would ask is what made you choose domestic adoption?

To be quite honest, we never really considered International Adoption! I have absolutely no idea why, so all I can say is that God laid on our hearts early on that our child(ren) were somewhere in the United States. Both of my younger brothers are also adopted and even though Eric is Hispanic and Native American and Brayden is Italian and Portuguese, they were domestic adoptions and their First Parents are somewhat local. I think we always wanted our children to have a common ground with their Uncles… having access to their history, their birth parents, etc. Growing up as a blonde with a brunette brother and a red headed brother, we were still a pretty diverse family! I greatly admire ‘International’ families! That road is long and hard, too… maybe more so than domestic!

I read through your blog post titled “Open” then I read it again. We don’t know anything about Jack’s biological family. We can only make educated guesses. How are you handling an open adoption(s)? Do you set up the guidelines or does the birth parent? Can you change how much interaction you must have based on what your children seem to need? Generally I’m interested in how it all works because this wasn’t an option for us.

Let me start by staying that open adoptions have changed and evolved so much over the past 25 years! Open adoption was nearly unheard of and definitely NOT recommended when my parents were waiting for my brothers. Regardless of the advice and warnings they were given, they still felt that having access to the boys’ health history and developing a positive relationship with their birth parents could only serve as a positive thing for everyone in the future.

Our family has been through a lot when it comes to our varying open adoptions… it’s a story I hope to tell one day soon, but it’s not mine to tell yet. Until then I’ll just say that if you were to ask my parents today, in light of how their open adoptions have evolved over time, they would say that they would do it again in a second… though, it’s been a learning curve, as they didn’t have anyone’s example to follow. When the boys were young they had access to extremely crucial health information, they never wondered; they could just ask, and I have such great memories of meeting both of my brother’s birth moms before the boys were born… one of them is even my Facebook friend now! Overall, my parents and my brothers are proof that open adoption really IS best for the child… and turns out being best for everyone else, too!

Our own open adoptions have had to evolve over time. When we first met Hannah’s birth parents, they asked for regular letter or email updates and pictures, as well as one or 2 visits a year while Hannah was young. We were more than comfortable with that and I worked extremely hard to do more than they asked for. Over the past 4 years, Hannah’s birth mom and I have become pretty close… we’ve seen her and her dad regularly and she and I text on an almost weekly basis; sometimes we talk about Hannah, sometimes I just send her a silly picture, and sometimes we chat about all of the amazing things that are going on right now in HER life. I always look forward to those conversations!

One thing we have made clear from the get-go is that we will always make decisions that are best for Hannah…. When the people who are surrounding her and influencing her aren’t making good decisions themselves, we won’t hesitate to make the call to keep some distance for a while. The same rule goes for our family, friends, and her birth parents. On that note, the majority of children placed for adoption do not have access or contact with both birth parents… We are SO fortunate to have Hannah’s birth father involved in our lives! We visit with each birth parent separately, per their request, which really ends up being less overwhelming and more manageable for Hannah… and lets her create her own relationships with each of them. Her birth father would be the first one to tell you that we stuck to email-only contact with him for a short time while he worked hard to straighten out his path in life and make sure he could be a good example for Hannah. We could not be more proud of him and the changes he’s made in his life… and for the great influence he can now be in Hannah’s life in the years to come!

We have had to navigate through our open adoption gradually, taking into account where our family is in life, where our children’s birth parents are in their lives, what they would like versus what we are comfortable with and vice versa… we are just so thankful for open communication and for the love they have for *our* little girl; she truly is blessed!

This also leads me to what is the best part of an open adoption? What’s the worst part of an open adoption?

The best part, hands down, is knowing that there are 2 people in this world besides us who are capable of loving our child as much as we do. As much as we sacrifice for our children and do anything possible to ensure they have a stable and productive future, in many ways, their birth parents have done more than we ever could by choosing adoption. No child can have too much love… and our children have so much more than most!

I don’t know of a ‘worst’ part of open adoption but there certainly are challenges; remembering that the only access their birth parents have to this child is through you… it’s a huge responsibility and it takes time and effort that you don’t always have; it has to be a priority. Another challenge I felt early on was wanting them to know how Hannah was doing, what she loved lately, her funny sayings, sharing videos, etc, but not knowing how much would be too much for them; would seeing those things make them sad? Would I push them to regret their decision by showing them how happy she is? Would they get angry that they couldn’t share in those special times as she grows and becomes her own person? Would they be honest and tell me when enough was enough or would I continue making things harder on them?

Ultimately, we had to decide that if our communication was too much to handle, or if they wanted something to change in our relationship, the only thing we could do was make ourselves approachable…. We would continue keeping them informed unless they asked us to do otherwise.

I love Hunter’s story. He is a true little miracle and Hannah is such a blessed little girl to recognize God’s handiwork already. In international adoption there were so many checklists because we knew our little guy would come to us a bit older and with multiple special needs. We did months of research on every special need imaginable. When it came down to Jack’s referral, we were in an unknown world. How prepared were you for special needs before you got that call? Was it a shock?

We have always been *open* to any special needs when it came to our adoption check lists. I was a special needs teacher before Hannah was born and we have always felt that, should we ever get pregnant, our biological child could have any number of special needs, as well. We welcome anything that would make our children even more ‘special’ than they already are!

Our agency did an amazing job at informing us of Hunter’s medical condition. When we first learned about him, he was in critical shape. We were over-nighted his medical records and were ensured that, if we chose to drive and meet him, that we could have a face-to-face with every single doctor who was working with him. I don’t know that you ever feel ‘prepared’ for a child with special needs; biological OR adopted! I do know that when we heard about Hunter, we felt something different than we had with the many other opportunities we had been presented with in the past year. All we could do was have an open mind and trust that God would lead us, as he had so many times before …and boy, did He lead!

While Hunter’s overall medical condition wasn’t a shock to us, we were not prepared for the roller-coaster ride we would soon be on. I guess we read his reports and took them for what they were… signs that he was stable and continuing to make progress in his growth. While that was true on so many levels, we were NOT prepared for the many times over our 10 week NICU stay that his doctors prepped us for his death… I think we thought he was past all of that. We saw an overall healthy, growing, stable baby who would have a few things to overcome (many of which God just took away!) but we didn’t foresee what more tests would reveal; the concerning blood work, surprise diagnosis’, ‘failure to thrive’ (I hate that term!), and whatever else seemed to pop up out of the blue. No one is ever prepared for the death of a child and nothing could have prepared us for that… but God is faithful and we have a healthy, thriving baby boy! God is so good!

We’ve only been down the adoption road once. You’ve navigated it twice. Do you feel like the experiences were mostly the same or very different? How so?

There is absolutely NO comparison! We brought Hannah home 7 weeks after our home study had been completed…. 7 weeks. I know now that 7 weeks is NOT a ‘wait’ in the adoption world! We also had involvement from both of Hannah’s birth parents; something we’ve come to appreciate, knowing it’s very rare that both birth parents are involved from the get-go, or even at all. Hannah made our transition into parenthood seamless… she slept well, ate well, grew fast, developed and learned quickly, and was the happiest baby! We were pros…#2 would be a breeze!

HA!

We updated our home study 3 times over the course of 2 years before bringing Hunter home .. mainly because we moved 3 times :-/ Still, updating a home study is something you want to do once… not 3 times. We suffered 3 failed adoptions in that 2 years and had many many more close-calls…. My grieving process was rough through those 2 years. I came to understand how a woman grieves through a miscarriage, how anti-depressants might be an option after all, and while I never wish those things on anyone, I’m thankful for those moments of struggle that (hopefully) made me more understanding and sympathetic to some of the things my friends are going through or have in the past. I also struggled with letting go of each of those precious babies. I know this might sound harsh but … when a woman miscarries, her baby is gone. She has to travel through the stages of grief and will ultimately find peace. When you ‘miscarry’ a baby through adoption, that baby is still alive and growing… just not with you. I think any hopeful adoptive mom holds on to the hope that if things changed once, they might change again. In our case, one mom came back to us when her boys were 6 months old and asked us to consider taking them again. The emotions you travel through… from grief to hope and back to grief and again to hope… they’re enough to wreck you. That’s where God’s faithfulness was most prominent in my journey to #2.

You’ve been a busy lady since Hunter came into your life. How on earth did you deal with an extended hospital stay so far from home? How did Hannah deal with it? How are you dealing with it now? If you could give advice to any other preemie mom out there, what would it be?

It took me 8 days and 8 separate ‘sessions’ to work my way through our interview … if that tells you anything :-)

The NICU taught me to take a day at a time, how to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings, how to be vulnerable and accept that sometimes I will go through things that I just can’t do on my own, and how to ask for help. I honestly don’t know what we would have done without our moms, Joey’s understanding boss, and the amazing nurses and social workers who never made me feel crazy when I felt like I was losing it… and man, did I lose it a couple times!

Hannah was amazing! She handled our 10 week NICU craziness, moving in the middle of everything, and bringing a baby home better than anyone! She was flexible, understanding, and as you’ve read from our blog, reminded us daily that God is faithful and in control. She embodies ‘faith like a child’.

I could go on for pages about our lives today! I’m…. surviving J While Hunter is healthy and growing and has very little medical concern right now, our days are mainly filled with doctor appointments. We have 17 specialists and therapists… We had 27 appointments in June alone and are down to 13 so far in November. We’re making progress… HA! I can honestly say that, while the schedule we keep makes routine and stability difficult in our daily lives, I look forward to those appointments and hearing his doctors tell me how amazing he’s doing! I’m on a cell-phone basis with most of his doctor’s and they have been wonderful at working with us, checking up on us, and chatting amongst themselves about Hunter’s progress so I don’t have to worry about updating each one at each appointment. My ‘Type A-ness’ has become out of control I found myself drowning in medical records, sticky notes, business cards, and more so I’ve become extremely organized (when it comes to paperwork… other things, maybe not so much; just ask Joey)!

We have gone through many transitions since meeting Hunter and though some of them have been extremely tough or scary or unexpected, we wouldn’t change a single thing about our sweet boy or our lives today… and every time he smiles or laughs or meets a long-awaited milestone, we gain the strength to keep working harder for him!

For preemie moms; Ask for help. You know your baby better than ANYONE, no matter how many doctor’s you have… trust YOUR gut and use that to advocate for your child. Your instincts will go a long way when fighting for appointments, certain treatment, therapy, medication, and more! Do your research. Ask for help. Set aside time for yourself and don’t feel bad about it. Find ‘your person’ … your husband, mom, friend… who you can call when you need to vent. You’re going to need to vent! Ask for help. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re holding your baby too much. Be possessive of the bonding process… our babies have been through a lot and have been exposed to lots of people in the NICU. Bonding should be a priority. And… Ask for help!

And the age old really rude question… I feel like I can ask because I still get asked all the time. At what point do you think you’ll be finished growing your family? Let me also say, I thought after two we were done…

Are you asking me or Joey?

This is a conversation that’s come up many times already… and most of the time people who know me and our ‘new normal’ well, look at me like I’m completely out of my mind to want to do this all over again! I can’t help it… I’ve always wanted 3 or 4 kids. Joey’s always wanted 2… so I have some work to do. HA!

Right now, we have all we can handle. BUT, things will calm down and our kids will keep growing and I know that there will be a day when I miss my ‘babies’. God does know how much I love ‘baby-hood’ and He did give me extra time in ‘baby-hood’ with Hunter… I soak it up every day!

I don’t want Hunter to be the youngest… I think ti will be important for him as he gets older to be an influence on a sibling and to be part of teaching them and watching them grow.

Joey and I will keep talking…. And talking… and talking… and….

I’m so glad God knows our future!

Is there anything else you would like to say about your amazing family?

Your family is amazing, too!

For hopeful adoptive families; As much as I wish there was (and maybe I’ll write it, someday… when/ if I get the time ), there isn’t a rule book for adoption. There isn’t a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to navigate through the emotions, waiting, frustrations, anxiety, etc. All you can do is take a day at a time… trust that God knows your child and will bring him/her to you in HIS perfect time. Spend this time wisely…. Cherish time with your spouse and/or other children, if you have them. Pray constantly for your child’s birth-parents. Prepare your family for baby… share books about adoption, talk about it regularly, answer questions, and show your excitement! Showing YOUR excitement gives permission to everyone around you to be excited, too J Buy diapers and wipes… every baby needs them and you will never have too many! Christmas is coming… ask for that swing or crib or bouncy seat or stroller that you’ve had your eye on! Your baby WILL come and you WILL need those things… so get ‘em!

My new motto is, “There’s no time like the present.” Don’t waste this time you have… you’ll never get it back (though, I seriously doubt you want to )!

Adoption Interview Project

Last year, I was privileged to be listed as one of the top Open Adoption Bloggers for 2011... Heather from Production, Not Reproduction always comes up with amazing opportunities for anyone involved in the adoption world to share their story.



She's also given me many opportunities to get to know other adoptive moms and birth moms... I cherish each relationship I've built through being a part of her blog.

 

To celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month, Heather has initiated the Adoption Interview Project and through her, I've had the privilage of getting to know Brandi Stiff from Okkar Lif.... The Stiff Family Blog.

 

 

My life before kids revolved largely around my 'special needs' students... 'special needs' being a term I use much differently since becoming Hunter's Mama.

 

I find myself perusing blogs of a much different variety lately and I soak up what I read from blogs of other Mama's who have 'special needs' babies. Brandi is one of those Mamas. Whar I have loved about being paired with Brandi is getting to know the International side of adoption.... she has a very different, yet very similar viewpoint of adoption; one that I have never had.

 

Brandi and Ray have grown their family both biologically and through adoption... and each of their children are such a blessing! Jack, their 'newest' baby is a precious boy who is bringing his family along for the ride through his many needs that make him even more special. I encourage you to head over and get to know Brandi and her family from the beginning.....

 

I was honored to be chosen to interview Brandi for this year's Adoption Interview Project.... I know you'll enjoy her insight as much as I did :-)

 

 

1) "If you are thinking about adoption, go with your eyes wide open. I realize now that my expectations had been lower in some ways and higher in others. You don’t know until you go through it. If you want a good dose of reality, talk to another adoptive parent. In the end, they will tell you it’s worth the cost."

What has been the biggest shock in your adoption journey when reality came to head with expectations?

 

Wow. This is a difficult question to answer. I think the biggest shock happened while we were in China. We had papers that said Jack was developmentally delayed. When we asked questions, we were told he could speak and walk and his delay was due to being a an orphanage with a high number of babies and very few nannies. We hit every roadblock that you could imagine with Jack's adoption. I kept saying that God has something big in mind for this little boy. I was imagining a miracle, I guess. Then we got our hands on him. He was totally content to go with us. No emotion. It didn't take long to figure out that he had no grasp of any language. It really kicked in when we realized he couldn't walk very far without falling down. He reminded us our girls when they first realized they could walk. He had no idea how to chew food. He didn't have any desire to eat. Seeing the depth of what total neglect had done to him was shocking.

Right now, surprising things are good. We are surprised by progress, shocked when he finally gets something and it clicks. We walked straight into a special needs adoption. I was reading blogs about how fast kids were picking up the language and attaching. It has taken us much longer. Other kids were saying Mama and Baba (Daddy in Chinese) before we left the country. Jack had been home well over six months before he recognized us and used names. Now, my heart literally swells when my husband comes home. Jack run squealing "Daddy!!!" through the house at the top of his lungs. I was surprised when he didn't learn to call me Mama right away. It is so much sweeter every time I hear him say it now.

 

2) I have loved reading your story and perspective on international adoption; I don't have much international experience and I'm so glad we were paired up :-)

What made your and your husband choose International adoption vs. Domestic? Why?

 

The short answer is it was God. We considered domestic adoption. As I was trying to research our options, doors weren't just closing they were slamming. We felt like adoption was something we could do and therefore must do. Of course this was after three daughters, one late miscarriage and years of discussion. James 1:27 came up in our conversations. If you back up to verse 22, that speaks to us as well. We were reading about being doers of the word, not hearers only. We had been planning on four children. We lost a daughter, Jessa to miscarriage. If we thought we were going to have four, how could I say no? James 4:17 came up too. "If anyone then knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them." Ouch. I even remember that one when I don't want to put my grocery cart back in the stall on a rainy day. Anyway, we were being confronted with what we saw as Biblical truth for our family. Let me stop here and say I don't think adoption is a must for every family. For us, it was a calling from God. We started to research, different domestic programs, different countries. Doors were slamming. After a ehem...heated discussion I told my husband, "I just want someone to tell me where a child is that needs us!" The next morning we got a phone call in the middle of packing out to move. It was the director of the adoption agency that we eventually used telling us that there were boys in China that stayed on the wait list. Would we consider a boy? Boy was about as far off my radar and China was. We had been praying and I had my answer. We got through that move and then started the process.

3) I was a special needs teacher before we brought Hannah home and when Hunter came along not too long ago as a super-preemie, I became a Mama of a special needs child.... so much of what you write about lately concerning Jack hits home with me; either by experience teaching, in my new 'normal', or as I envision our future.

How have you (or HAVE YOU?!) learned to navigate Jack's unique world of 'special needs' and balance that with your girls' world of more normalcy? How do you make time for yourself and your husband a priority while juggling doctor's appointments, school events, homework, being Jack's teacher, household responsibilities, and everything else?

 

 

Right now, I'm blessed to have the three girls going to school full time every day. Since I'm a stay at home mom, that gives me the time I need to get to and from Jack's appointments. We also have an almost 12-year old who thinks she's almost 35. She's alot more mature than I am somedays. Lucky for us, we live on base. I can leave her in charge and go a short distance away with my husband. We also have a park right across the street from our house. I can send all the kids over and see them from my front porch. It makes it a bit easier to have those necessary conversations that you don't want little ears to hear. If we weren't living on base, I honestly would have a babysitter on speed dial. We are very aware how fast the kids are growing up. We do almost everything with them. We also understand how important it is to get out without the kids every now and then. We never go far or for too long but we go.

As far as navigating Jack's world... sometimes I'm rocking it and sometimes I'm floundering. We try to introduce Jack to whatever the girls are doing and what is age appropriate. Sometimes that works well, sometimes it's a total bust. An example would be playgrounds. There was nothing that would send him into a tizzy faster than just seeing a slide. We just constantly reintroduced playgrounds to him. The girls were great. They knew we might have to leave early. It did bother them a couple of times. Eventually Jack saw them playing enough he tried it. Now, I can't keep him off. We had similar experiences with the beach and going to the movies. The girls are also better at handling questions than I am sometimes. They tell other people Jack came here from China, he needs a little help. They aren't bothered by some of the coping habits Jack has or that he's different. He's just Jack. They don't over think it like I do. I could learn alot from my kids. Juggling the schedule is pretty much about juggling a schedule with 4 kids. You just do it and it's your new normal. As far as teaching Jack... that's where I get most concerned. I'm looking forward to getting him started in school just because I'm always worried that with the girls and their schedule plus church events and just life that I'm not doing enough.

 4) How do you plan to incorporate Chinese culture in Jack's new world? Do you have plans to go back anytime soon?

 

 

 My two older girls were born in Iceland, but they are American citizens. Jack was born in China but he's American now. We sort of treat it like that. We talk about the festivals with the girls. Sometimes we celebrate. We aren't overkilling it. When Jack is older if he's interested, we'll let him direct us in how much or little he wants it incorporated. He's been with us for a little over a year. We found that after a couple of months home, he was nervous in Chinese restaurants. Our culture changed when we moved. Jack went from China to a sea of white faces in Tennessee. Now, living in Hawaii we see so many more Asian faces. Sometimes it makes him nervous. We let him dictate.

 

 

5) At the end of the day, when the doctor's appointments are over, the phone has finally stopped ringing, the kids are in bed, and you finally have a few minutes to reflect on your day, what is that one amazing, precious thing in your day that will inevitably make it possible for you to do it all over again tomorrow?

 

I don't see progress daily now like I did when we first brought Jack home. Lately, Jack really craves our attention and love. It's so wonderful because he had no expectation of any kind of love a little over a year ago. We see how much he touches other people just with his personality. We are all he has. I'm going to get up and fight for him every day because I'm his mama.

6) I cringe when someone says to me, "You and your husband are amazing people for taking such a special child into your family." or, "Hunter is so lucky to have you guys as his parents." or, "He never would have had this life if you hadn't taken him in." or... you get the point. Everything that comes to mind in those situations involves screaming or yelling so I graciously smile and say, "thanks" or "we waited so long for him" or "if you only knew all that HE has done for US." I know you have been on the receiving end of those questions/ comments, too... how do you respond? How do you graciously and gracefully convey to them the love you have for this sweet boy... and that biological or not, 'special needs' or not, he's your son.

 

 

We do hear that alot, especially when people really see Jack's delay. Sometimes I cringe. We try to convey that's it's not us but God that had done this great thing for Jack. We try to convey that we are the ones being blessed by Jack if we can. Sometimes we just look at each other and quote the penguins from Madagascar, "just smile and wave boys, smile and wave." If that's all we can muster that's okay. 

 

 

7) I don't see very many aspects of infertility or adoption as "unfair"... I've just never been that person. This is our life, it's God's plan for us, and it's perfect... and that's more than enough for me! The only thing I struggle with, at times, is knowing that I missed out on the first few moments, days, and weeks or my baby's lives... I only have the pictures that were given to me, I won't ever be the one who can tell my kids' the story of their BIRTHday, I don't know what they wore home from the hospital, and I wasn't the first one to hold them close to me. We have our own amazing memories of our first moments with them and I cherish those.

 

Does it ever bother you that you were there to experience such intimate and personal moments with some of your children and not with others'?

 

 

I do with I knew more about Jack when he was an infant. We don't even have pictures, just notes about where and how he was found. That hurts my heart for him. I wish I could have scooped him up and brought him home the day he was born. If we had been given that opportunity, he might not have the delays he does now. I would love to share those moments with him. I hope Jack just has a different sort of birth story to tell. His involves paperwork, delays and his mama calling China to find out if he was okay. I try to remind myself that I can't do anything about Jack's past but I can have a profound impact on his future and that's what I need to concentrate on. 

Thank you for being so candid and honest with me, Brandi... I can't wait to continue following your families journey... especially Jack's :-)

To explore other incredible interviews from other Open Adoption Bloggers, head over here... you won't be sorry!