We all have a story to tell whether we whisper or yell....

Hunter is 7. He was 2 pounds at birth and his story is a complicated one, to say the least. But oh, it’s a good one! It’s a story full of surprises and predictability… joy and fear… knowns and unknowns… and miracles. So many miracles. We hear in the special needs community that our child’s story isn’t ours to tell… that parts of their story should be private or told only when and if our children decide to tell them. Maybe this is true… but I’m starting to think that perhaps time has taught us otherwise as Hunter’s parents.

Hunter somehow has the greatest joy amidst his 23 medical specialists and multiple diagnoses that qualify him as ‘special needs’, however I stand firm in my belief that his hatred for Target is in fact our greatest challenge… one this Mama continues to build an arsenal of ‘survival techniques’ for on a weekly basis!

I had such high hopes on that Tuesday morning! We had successfully gotten through one doctor’s appointment and Hunter was his usual, joyful self in the car. As I pulled into the parking lot I had my sights set on that adrenaline filled power-walk through the Target Dollar Spot! We could do this! Little did I know that today would be a ‘green calculator’ day and not a ‘red one’.

With the red calculator and the tiny hands of my 2 little boys in my larger ones, we started our trek through the handicapped parking spots and as I saw those bright red cement balls and double doors getting ready to welcome me, Hunter stopped mid-stride…. his feet spread in his ‘combat stance’, his body pulled back ever so slowly until our joined hands were stretched as far as they could go, and my grip got tighter as he lowered all 50 pounds of himself on to that brightly painted blue wheelchair on the parking lot pavement before he let out his combat scream.

Hunter. Was. Ticked.

Now you must understand that our son is non-verbal in the sense that he has limited words, however our son communicates extremely well. And very loudly. As his ‘expressiveness’ grew louder on that warm pavement it was my job to decipher why he was there in the first place. In our normal routine, Abe and I closed in so we could give him space to express himself safely. He yelled and carried on for about 274 minutes… ok ok, for 3 minutes but if you’ve ever been ‘that mom’, standing on the blue wheelchair in the Target parking lot, you know how long that 3 minutes feels! 

As he threw the red calculator across to the next spot in true ‘hopscotch’ fashion, he communicated quite clearly that it wasn’t a ‘red day’. I took this time to calmly talk to my non-verbal son about how we’d walk back to the car when he was finished and get his green calculator, how I understood that he was frustrated but we needed to get milk and bread and peanut butter and even some lollipops for a special treat so we had to find a way to calm down and do our shopping.

All the while I was taking inventory of our surroundings while trying desperately to push down the intense feelings of failure and humiliation and even fear that I was feeling as I imagined what we looked like to those who were observing our moment; the ambulance was parked out front, meaning that our local paramedics were doing their daily and well-deserved coffee run…. a sweet older couple was walking to their car…. a mom with a newborn was headed inside…. a teenager was pulling in and I wondered why she wasn’t in school… a woman who could be a grandma was talking on her phone in her car….

Hunter started to calm down so I helped him up, fixed the hearing aid that had come loose, straightened his glasses, gave him a squeeze to tell him I was proud of him, gave Abe a squeeze and told him I was proud of him, too, took the hands of my 2 little boys once again, walked quickly back to the car to get the green calculator, and headed into the store where we bypassed the Dollar Spot and forgot to get the milk…. but we made it! On our way out of the store about 472 minutes later… ok ok, about 13 minutes later… that woman who could be a grandma stopped me at the double doors;

“Here it comes… ” I thought to myself.

“You did a great job, Mom. Those boys are so lucky that God chose you to be their mom.”

The laundry list of what I could and should have done better was already running through my head… it had been for over 16 minutes. Her words soothed my anxious heart and gave me the nerve to walk across that blue painted wheelchair one more time and get my boys home.

Here’s what I’ve learned; our son tells his own story well… and your sweet thing probably does too! Whether it’s his hearing aids, her glasses, a wheelchair, braces on his legs, a speech impediment, a turn of the head or silly sounds they make, that swim diaper or life jacket at the pool on a child who seems a little too old, the repetitive noises, or the tantrums on the blue painted wheelchair, they are true story tellers. But the story they’re telling is a hard one to tell without someone to fill in the blanks…. the details. It is so tempting at times for me to push down the frustration I feel when I know someone ‘just doesn’t get it’…. but then I have to ask myself if I’ve given them a chance to.

A few weeks ago we ‘introduced’ our Hunter to our community on social media. It was terrifying. But the truth is, Hunter is the best story-teller… we’re just doing our best to build our arsenal of tools so we can create a life for him that is safe, full, and understood. We’re filling in the details of the story he is already telling.

You were chosen to be this precious child’s parent…. everyone else was chosen to be their community. Come alongside your child and tell that amazing story… let your Village in on the details. Give that “could- be grandma” a chance to see that it’s just a green calculator day and not a red one…  and give yourself and that sweet baby of yours a chance to soak up the safety, encouragement, and understanding she has to offer when she has just a few more details to go on. Those green calculator days don’t feel so lonely when your community is in on the secret… and those red calculator days are that much sweeter!

Lindsay Smith is wife to Joey, Mama to 5 babies; 3 heartgrown through adoption, 1 homegrown through biology, and 1 waiting in Heaven. She is an advocate for special needs parenting, open adoption, miscarriage, and every Mama … because we all need just a little extra grace. "From His fullness we have all recieved grace upon grace." John 1:16. She writes and tells stories at On Loan FromHeaven on Facebook and at www.OnLoanFromHeaven.com .

Droopy Eyelids, Small Kidneys, & Stiff Muscles... Parenting the Child With Special Needs

Droopy eyelids, small kidneys, & stiff muscles.

A *very* basic summary of the past few weeks in our house.

There's a definite ebb and flow to life as the parent to a child who has special needs...

it seems as if weeks and weeks go by when your *normal* is just that... normal... manageable....

When the 'disorders' and 'delays' somehow disappear in the *normal* that is your day to day...

your errands, and meal times, and play dates, and nap-times, and car-time sing-a-longs.

And then the flow.

The flow....

is never a flow.

It's more like a dam bursts....

literally...

One routine follow-up... one check-up... one meeting...

it bursts your bubble of *normal* and throws off everything you *think* you know.

Our ebb is over.

Hello flow.

Three years old is tough, friends...

in the world of every toddler, it's difficult... but in the world of a child who has special needs....

it's a turning point.

The past few weeks have been full of our *normal*, routine check-ups with various specialists (we have 17), a few new follow-ups, regular therapy sessions, as well as yearly evaluations, and pre-school testing and IEP meetings.

Our flow.

Hunter is a trooper... he works hard through every therapy session, patiently follows directions for whatever specialist is examining him, and keeps himself occupied while we discuss *findings* and *recommendations*.

And those things... we discuss them as if he's not there... as if he's not listening and comprehending.

As if.

Lately, my head spends most of the day analyzing and dissecting my son's movements and actions and sounds... It's impossible not to let the words of his team of professionals slither their way in to our *normal*....

and interrupt our ebb.

So we flow...

my mind flows daily... and nightly, too... my anxiety is high as I anticipate the next meeting or evaluation, the next appointment or set of labs....

it's all consuming, this flow.

And it's so easy to think that this... this flow... is only affecting us... mommy and daddy. We're the ones who understand the implications of every diagnosis and ever recommendation... we're the ones who handle the follow ups and make arrangements for the other kids who can't come to certain appointments... we're the ones who consider what the future looks like for him and for our family while we juggle the necessary therapies and schedules to make sure he is receiving every possible resource that's available to him.

The flow.

A few weeks ago we posted a private plea for prayer on our personal Facebook pages... we were feeling desperate as we awaited lab results that would tell us if our son was in the middle stages of kidney failure. All labs we had received at that time led us to believe that his one healthy, growing kidney was failing... and when you have one kidney and that kidney fails...

the flow.

A few days later, Hunter was released from Physical Therapy for a much-deserved break... until the Fall when it will be necessary to cast his legs in order to break some bad habits he has developed that are causing his muscles to tighten...

the flow.

Two days later we sat in his Opthamologists office and heard about how his vision is excellent.... except that his moderate far-sightedness and his droopy eyelids will needs to be addressed at some time in the future...

the flow.

And then his IEP meetings with the special school district. Hunter was amazing through 3 hours of 'play' which being observed by a team of 6... OT's, SLP's, child psychologists, PT's, and special needs teachers who would ultimately determine the level of his developmental, speech, and physical delays in order to determine what resources he qualifies for in next year's pre-school program...

the flow.

In all of these meetings and evals and appointments, Hunter plays and listens and does what he's asked and does it all with such an amazing attitude.

He's 3.... so this flow.... he's not aware of it...

he can't be.

He's 3.

Hearing loss, Global Developmental Delays, operates on a 15-24 month level, non-verbal...

he can't understand... can't know...

Right?!

While Joey makes it to every appointment he can, this ebb and flow of appointments and diagnoses and testing is 'our thing'... mine and Hunter's. We do it all together... every time. We do it all together and I carry it all on my shoulders... that's my job... my privilege. And it's not easy... but it's an honor to be 'that' for him.

A few nights ago, the kids had been in bed for almost 2 hours... the house was quiet....

and then I heard Hunter cry...

it was his sad cry.

Do you know the one?

The one that starts as a sob and slowly turns into a sound that rips your heart at the seams ...

it isn't angry... or manipulative... or hungry... or 'wet'.....

it's so sad.

Before I could even respond, Joey went upstairs and held him for a while... he loves that time with his babies... he rocked him, sang to him...

"Are you ready to lay back down and go ni-night?'

"Yeah", he said.

Joey went to the gym shortly after and again the house was quiet...

the flow.

His cry was worse... it was high-pitch and gut-wrenching.

It was my turn....

and As I walked upstairs, 'slightly' annoyed that my 'job' was not yet done for the day... 'slightly' irritated that someone needed me, yet again... and more than slightly angry that Joey had gone to the gym when he did (even though he more than deserved his time!)... my irritation grew as I climbed the stairs to his room and I was prepared to pat his butt a few times, tell him he's ok and that I would see him in the morning, "I love you, goodnight".

He was standing in his crib when I opened the door and his arms went out for me immediately...

"Ok fine", I thought... "Just for a minute."

I picked him up and he clung to me as if his life depended on my strength and solitude to save him... to sustain him.

His sobs shook me to my core...

this wasn't sadness...

this was defeat.

My precious 3 year old... the one who recently consumed my every thought, whom I have lost so much sleep over, who's future I worry about daily, whom I invest so much of my time and energy into, the one who I carry all of this for....

the one whom I thought I had been feeling all of these feelings FOR over the past few weeks...

He was defeated, too.

And as I held him, the flow flooded over me...

Droopy eyelids, small kidneys, stiff muscles, casts, blood work, talking devices, 15-24 months, and on and on and on...

he had heard it all... he had felt it all...

and he was done.

He was drowning in the flow.

And so I layed down with him on my chest and I rubbed his back...

I cried as I did my best to speak life back into him...

"Hunter, you are strong."

"You are brave."

"Your life matters."

"You are so loved."

"You are not alone... you'll never be alone."

"We do this together, baby boy."

"We'll always do this together."

And I prayed over him...

"Thank you for Hunter's joy... for his life... thank you for choosing him for me. Jesus, he is so strong... please keep him strong. He is so brave and some of our days are so hard... please protect his spirit. Let Hunter feel you. Amen."

We sang 'his' song and I laid him back down...

he grabbed his blanky, rolled over, and went to sleep.

Some of our days are really hard... and it's easy for me to get caught up in dividing my time between all of my babies, managing invoices and bills, scheduling appointments, reminding children to use the words they know, trying to understand cues from those who don't have spoken words, making our days fun and playful, practicing patience, and finding time for myself and my marriage...

there are days when finding a balance is almost impossible...

And it's so easy to make these things about me....About keeping myself afloat in our flow.

My son reminded me in the most precious way that he knows... he feels... he hears (a miracle for this boy!)... he understands...

And he reminded me that we all need those words... affirmative, life-speaking words that sustain us and keep us going when that sad cry threatens to break through...

and I'm thankful for the sad cry that allowed me to speak life back into him...

because of the One who breathed life into us both.

Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

John 7:38

Another thing....

Hunter's kidney is strong... in fact, it's perfect.

And God is so so good!

Mama Style; taking time for YOU!

This post is bound to spark some debate... And I'm ok with that! To each their own... An infertility/ adoption blogging mama trying her hand at a fashion post is sure to get interesting ;-) just be nice!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While I don't consider myself an extremely 'fashion-forward' girl, I do love a cute outfit and big jewelry with some edge... and so I'm super excited for my first Spring/Summer fashion post!

I have been honored over the past few months to get to know some amazingly beautiful and super fun Lifestyle bloggers through an online community in which they have graciously included me... I have loved every second of getting to know these ladies and I think their flare for all-things-style might be rubbing off on me a little ;-)

The incredibly talented Andi from My Beautiful Adventures came over recently and took some gorgeous photos of a few of the most amazing bloggers and myself as we put together some of our favorite Spring/Summer must-haves! 

The reason for my new-found interest in a Mama's fashion post;

... the stay at home Mama who blames her 'stay at home' status for her 'inability' to be cute....

It's not every mama... and every mama absolutely has a reason...

This mama gig is HARD... and it takes TIME!

But...  if that's you, blaming your kiddos for your sweatpants, pony-tail, and t-shirts every.single.day doesn't work anymore.

A few days a week? Sure. Most days? Ok. Every day? Nope.

Sorry... not sorry ;-)

It really all comes down to YOU... taking time for YOU and allowing your kiddos to see you do that once in a while! It's important... because YOU are important! 

Looking amazing is not most important... But YOU are, and for some of us, taking time for us is what makes us exude that confidence we want our kids to see!

Topping my list of absolute favorites for Spring/Summer are camo, geometric shapes, floral prints, and gold....

and the biggest thing of all...

WEARING WHAT YOU OWN!

Honestly;

I'm super cheap.

I'll splurge on food, wine, and underwear but that's about it...

Honestly;

It's completely possible to look cute and not allow it to take up your morning calendar and start your day off on the wrong foot...

Every woman needs to spend some time finding her easiest morning routine...

a routine that includes YOU... because that's who's missing from most busy family morning routines...

and that's not ok.

Here's my routine... It's not my every day routine and It won't work for everyone but someone asked so I'll share ;-)

* Shower at night~ Going to bed with wet hair isn't for everyone and isn't for every hair type, but for straight hair, I've found that sleeping on wet hair gives my hair SO much more volume the next morning! I wet my hair in the sink/bath first thing in the morning and tie it up with a towel while I do my make-up... and blow-drying 'wetted down hair' versus 'soaking wet shower hair' takes significantly less time!

* Make-up~ 5 minutes TOPS! On a normal day; Concealer, loose powder, blush, eye shadow, mascara, lip gloss.

That's it!

On a 'fancier' day I'll include foundation, eye liner, and more eye shadow than usual... 10 minutes TOPS!

* Hair~ When my make-up is done, my hair is fairly dry and you'll have amazing volume after it being in a towel on top of your head for 10-15 minutes! Some mousse and oil, blow dry, straighten... DONE! 15 minutes TOPS! Keeping my hair stuff in the half bath downstairs allows me to oversee the kids while they eat breakfast or get ready for school while I get ready.

And I'm done.

Now c'mon... a pony tail?! Every day?!

If your hair is tough or mornings are just too much, try a cute top-knot, braid, or headband... all super cute and can do wonders to just make you feel like YOU!

I wash my hair about 2-3 times a week, depending on what we have going on that week... on my 'off' days, dry shampoo is my LIFESAVER! A few sprays on day or 2-old hair, flip it over, blow dry and brush for a couple minutes and you're done!

* Fashion~ Spring and Summer are the easiest and most fun time of year to enjoy fun fashion! You can get away with a simple, cute sun dress and flip flops... capri pants, a simple top, and fun jewelry... or cute shorts, a colorful patterned shirt, and a few signature jewelry pieces! We all have every one of those items in our closets!

Andi took these photos this past Spring so while it may be too hot where you are for some of what I'm wearing, the main point is how simple yet classy and put together you can look with little effort, using what's in your closet, or by getting a few inexpensive basics for your wardrobe!

Every day fashion;

Camo pants: WalMart $13

Basic white slouchy 3/4 sleeve T: Target $8 (on sale)

Camo Flats: Target $6 (clearance section)

Jewelry:

I stick to just a few select places when it comes to jewelry... mainly because they offer HUGE coupons regularly and offer extra discounts on already-reduced jewelry! And remember to LAYER... colors and textures don't really matter anymore; layer layer layer!

Where to shop;

* Stein Mart is my favorite for jewelry... they ALWAYS have a coupon and ALWAYS offer extra discounts on their clearance jewelry! It's worth a trip in to peek once a month and I promise you'll come out with some amazing bling!

* Belk or other large department stores... Department stores often offer significant coupons monthly but also tend to offer HUGE extra discounts on their clearance jewelry, too! I have a big collection of designer jewelry and have paid as low as $0.01 for quite a bit of it due to these extra discounts!

Dressing up a casual outfit; 

No matter your age, never be afraid to browse through the junior section of ANY store! Dresses, shirts, and capris often fit MUCH better in a larger junior size than in women's sizes... I will never judge an 'older' woman looking through the junior aisles... just be sure your clothes FIT ;-)

Distressed Capri pants; Kohls $10 (on sale)
Patterned Top; Target $10 (on sale)
Navy Heels; Marshalls $20 (on sale)


That's it, Mamas! I would love to see more Mamas spend a little more time on themselves... make it a challenge; 2 days a week is a great start! I love that Hannah can see me with a healthy balance of 'casual' and 'confident'.... and that Joey can see me in that same balance!

NOW... for some REAL fashion expertise, head over to these ladies' blogs and see what they have to say... they're the pros and I LOVE following their trends!

Jaime from Sunflowers and Stilettos

Bri from Just Bri

Andi took all of the beautiful photos from my post and from Jaime and Bri's, too... be sure to follow My Beautiful Adventures... Andi is an amazing photographer, avid traveller, has an impecable sense of fashion, and has taught me so much about Chinese medicine... she's the whole package! 

The 'Special Needs' Parent

I've been a high school teacher...  I've taught English, psychology, creative writing, and everything in between. I've been a special needs teacher.... I've taught precious children who had Autism, Downs Syndrome, and Aspergers... children who were verbal, non-verbal, and everything in between. Those babies taught me so much... more than I could ever have hoped to learn in one lifetime of lessons.

But in the past 2 years, I've learned one of the biggest lessons of my life;

I've spent much of my life working with and loving children who had 'special needs'... children whom the world refers to as 'special needs children'...

And that, my friends, is a huge mistake.

In my short 2 years of parenting a child with 'special needs', I have learned one of the biggest lessons of my life...

There is, in fact, no such thing as a 'special needs child'.

You see, 'special needs' does not refer to the child; in reality, 'special needs' refers to the child's parents.... to us....

to me. 

I went to bed last night feeling disappointed in myself... Defeated. It's so hard not to ask myself sometimes if God made a mistake by trusting me with this gift... This precious, 'special', child of his...

I'm not patient enough... I don't 'know' enough... I haven't been a parent 'long enough' to be what this amazing little boy needs in a Mama!

Hunter 'usually' sleeps until 7 or later, but when he woke up with his 'sad cry' this morning at 5, I knew something was 'off'... 

And I thought it was him.

I brought him into bed with me and as soon as we laid down, he snuggled in with his warm cheek against mine, and slept (and snored) soundly (loudly) until 7:30.

That's heaven, my friends.

Me? I didn't sleep a wink.

Sometime around 6am, with that little squishy cheek against mine, I realized something...

He wasn't 'off'... I was.

I spend so much time dwelling on whether or not I'm good enough for him... whether or not God made some huge mistake in trusting me with him...

that I've missed the true purpose of God's plan;

God did not 'gift' this child with me because I am good enough or knowledgeable enough.... because I'm not....

 this Mama is as 'special needs' as they come. 

My Jesus knew that the only way I could make it through this life.... the only way I could fulfill the purpose HE has for my life.... was if I had this particular, and amazingly 'special', warm cheek against mine at those moments when I am the most 'special needs'.

Hunter will be fine... He IS MORE than fine... He's a miracle! Don't get me wrong... He works his (you know what) off every day to be who he is and do what he does... but there is nothing that I can do to change the already-perfect plan for his life by being 'good enough' or 'smart enough'.

But me? I'm still learning... I'm catching up...

And even though I might be a slow learner, and even though I sometimes let what's 'typical' blind my faith and trust in the God who not only gave my children life, but gave them to ME... 

My God also knows when I just need a sweet, warm, squishy cheek against mine.

 And sometimes, I need the reminder that what makes ME 'special' is what makes me what's best right now for the babies He's given to me.

And if that's all I learn for a lifetime of lessons? 

That's enough. 

Tonight? I'm going to bed content... even though my parenting day wasn't perfect. 

And I'm hoping with all my heart that one of my babies wakes up at 5am, knowing that his or her Mama needs their warm, squishy cheek against hers because that's the best way a 'special needs' mama can possibly start her day!

~ Here's to wishing that your sleep is filled with warm, squishy cheeks... and the reminder of what makes you 'special needs' in this life that God has perfectly chosen for you.

Parenting, Justified.

Today was a rough day.

Like, super rough.

We started our morning on the wrong foot...

In short... lots of 'no's', lots of yelling, lots of 'growling', some throwing, some spitting, some crying, and a couple prized possessions found a new place on top of the fridge for a couple days.

(I'll leave it up to you to decide who did what...)

Our car-ride to school was quieter than usual, though I did try some small-talk...

Me: Did you know that it's supposed to snow today?

Hannah:......

Me: It would be a good afternoon for some hot cocoa! How does that sound?

Hannah:....

And so on.

I love year 5.

Thankfully, I hear those conversations get better when they're in high school....

right? :-/

I kissed her and told her I love her before she got out of the car but how do you have a good day when THAT'S how it started?!

These days make me sad... for both of us.

I was determined... our afternoon was going to be so much better!

Cue; yelling, screaming, spitting, snot, sweat, bloody nose (result of floor-throwing fit)...

(I'll leave it up to you to decide who did what...)

(And don't think for a second that our preemie of a boy wasn't part of it all, too... monkey-see, monkey-do!)

Nap/ rest-time came early today.

I love year 5.

Our evening was better... snow-playing, cereal-eating, movie-watching, cocoa-drinking, pretend-playing.

Love those moments... cherish them.

Bed-time? 

I'll let you figure out how that went...

:-(

I love year 5.

Have you had days like this?

Are you a parent?

Then yes... yes you have.

I sat outside her room after I kissed her 'good-night' and listened to her sob...

My head knew that in reality, the part of her that missed her beloved 'heart pup' was real... but the part of her that was sleepy and defiant and 5 was fake.

Still... those sobs... my heart. 

:-(

So I stood outside her door... 

 I prayed that Jesus would give me patience tomorrow... asked Him to forgive me for losing it today.

I prayed that Jesus would teach me discipline tomorrow.. asked him to forgive me for my defiance today.

I started thinking about how often we complain about 'ages'... the terrible 2's, 5 years old, pre-teen, teen...

We vent about their impatience and defiance and tantrums and disobedience often.

I started thinking about all of the different things that play into those ages and stages...

and I realized that each and every age and stage has two things in common...

them.

and

us.

Them, as in the 2 or 5 or 15 or 21 year olds.... and Us, as in, the 25 or 35 or 45 year olds.

And as I stood outside her room,I fell into a mental, momentary panic as I thought about our day, one more time...

the yelling, the impatience, the disobedience, the defiance, the stubbornness...

her.

and

me.

Oh, no.

Year 30.

With Hannah's sobbing still audible in the monitor, I came downstairs and opened my Bible... I needed some guidance... some perspective about this whole parenting gig...

because today, I failed.

It didn't take long for my big Jesus to speak to my aching heart...

Ephesians 6:1... Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and you may live long in the land.

That's about it for kids... obey and honor your parents. Simple.

BUT...

Proverbs 22:6... Parents, train up a child in the way he should go, for even when he is old he will not depart from it.

AND...

Ephesians 6:4... Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

AND...

Colossians 3:21... Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

AND...

James 1:19... Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Phew.

This parenting thing is hard, huh?

The standard is set high.

So many equations are running through my head...

In order to TEACH obedience, we have to FIRST obey.

In order to TEACH patience, we must FIRST practice patience.

In order to INSTILL wisdom, we must FIRST seek wisdom.

In order to TEACH honor, we must FIRST learn how to honor.

How many of those am I really good at?! How many have I mastered?!

How many do i work on every. single. day. ?!

Rough days will happen... and unfortunately, we are wired to remember the bad one's and not to savor each moment of the good one's.

Today was a rough day... not because my daughter is 5... and not because I'm 30...

because age doesn't matter.

Today was rough because we're both still learning... how to be patient and listen and obey and be disciplined and how to honor one another.

But at the end of the day, in this thing called 'parenting'...

age really does matter.

I am 30... and she is 5.

I will never, ever, in all my years of parenting be able to justify parenting out of anger or impatience or defiance... 

even though my human nature will want to...

and no matter how old she is.

And I will never, ever, in all my years of parenting... be able to do it 'right' every. single. day...

no matter how old I am.

Today? I did it wrong.

But you see, what God NEVER said was that parenting is easy...

Genesis 1:31... God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day.

A built-in do-over.

He knew... He knows. 

Tomorrow?

Do-over day.

Lamentations 3:22-23... 

His mercies never fail, 

They are new every morning.

Great is your faithfulness!

Being jealous of my husband... Confessions of a stay-at-home mom

Can I just be real for a minute?

I've learned something in the past couple of weeks that I am so afraid to admit that the thought of typing my next sentence makes me sweat...

(cue sweating... ugh! I HATE to sweat!!)

I am jealous of my husband.

(Deep breath...)

I am jealous of my husband.

My name is Lindsay... and I am jealous of my husband.

Joey got a raise last week. Like... a big one. I am SO proud of him! He deserves every word of encouragement from his boss and every penny he works so hard to earn.

I was super excited for him ... for about 5 minutes.

And then I got jealous... of my husband.

I found myself wondering where MY boss was... the one who could encourage ME and give ME a list of things I do well and things I could work on in my every day role. I wondered when MY company handed out bonuses... first quarter or last? When can I expect a raise? Where would I get a promotion? How could I work MY way up in the company? When is it ok to brag about the amazing things I'VE accomplished in my job? 

It hit me hard... I am jealous of my husband.

This realization paralyzed me in the kitchen one night... I couldn't move.

How can I be satisfied in the place God has put me if there's even a hint of jealousy in my heart?

I wasn't.

And how can I fully commit myself to my work... to my kids and my family... if I can't find that satisfaction?

I wasn't.

It's not a good place to be...

but it hit me with such an impact that I couldn't just move on... I couldn't just sweep it under the rug and forget it...

so I did what I do...

I closed myself off.

Life is easier that way, after all...

for a while.

And then it creeps in... It wasn't possible for me to speak kindness into my husband's life... I didn't know the words anymore. I couldn't be proud of him or celebrate with him... the ability to share in his success was gone. I didn't want to know about his day and I didn't care about what was going on in his heart.

This worked for me for a couple of days until I realized something else that stopped me in my tracks...

The only common denominator in my choice to take part in the joys of life that my husband wants so badly to share with me or to separate myself from joy entirely...

was me.

I was the problem...

not his success or his job or his raise or his happiness...

it was all me.

All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mommy... it was an 'aspiration' that Joey just didn't understand when we were dating. 

aspiration; the strong desire to achieve something, such as success.

How is staying at home every day, playing with kids an 'aspiration'?

I wanted to be the main influence in our kids' lives like my mom was for us... I wanted to be present in the ups and downs of growing up... I wanted to teach them and be their confidante, their security for as long as they would let me... and selfishly, I wanted to be the one responsible for what they learned and how they use it...

I still want that.... every single day. And I know how incredibly blessed I am that I get to do exactly what I 'aspired' to do my whole life. 

But...

Sometimes changing diapers, cleaning up puke, knowing the bowel movement schedule of every member of my family, being the bad guy, disciplining the same behavior over and over and over and over and over and over and over again gets mundane... it gets boring and dirty and exhausting. And the progress is slow in this job of mine... sometimes it's YEARS before you see the end result of the hard work you've done.

There are days when I long for adult conversation ...or a few hours alone in my car... or a fancy dinner out with colleagues... or to close my office door ... or a hotel bed all to myself... 

or to have my kids run into my arms every night because they missed me all day. I want them to miss me!

 Joey allowed me to close myself off for a couple days ... he knows me and knew I needed some time to process whatever it was that had changed me so quickly.

He cornered me in the kitchen this weekend ...

He's pretty big...

I couldn't get away...

So I confessed...

Without eye contact...

take that you big man!

(but I was super embarrassed and scared to death...)

"I'm jealous of you! I'm so proud of you and am thankful every day for how hard you work so our family can be comfortable and so I can live my dream, but lately I've been jealous of you. I don't have a boss who encourages me and shows me how to improve or tells me what's next in my career if I keep working hard. I don't get raises... ok yes, I get hugs and kisses from the kids and they run to me when they're scared or hurt... but sometimes, most times... that's not enough! I'd love to look forward to every Thursday because that's when I get paid. I need you to encourage me more... and maybe I need to learn how to ask for it.  I'll work on that. Don't get me wrong... YOU are not my boss! You're just the only one who's opinion matters to me when it comes to the job I do and how well I do it... And you do a wonderful job at telling me what a good mom and wife I am... You DO! But... I need to hear from you more. Please."

And then I looked at him... I braced myself for a lecture on how selfish I am and how I need to eat my words and take my own advice and find a job if I'm so unhappy...

 Because my rant deserved all of the above.

But after my rant, when I finally looked at him, his eyes loved me and he simply said...

"Ok."

(And then we made out because, well... That 'ok' was pretty damn sexy!)

(Sorry.)

And it was done.

My jealousy wasn't about his amazing success or raise...

All of my resentment and jealousy and anger toward him was completely misguided... and could have been completely avoided...

If I had simply asked for more.

I have no problem asking for seconds of cake or wine or frozen yogurt or shoes or pedicures...

So why can't I ask for more encouragement, too?

Now ladies... don't give me some lecture on how God is enough and if I would just focus on Him more I would find all of the fulfillment I need.

That's bullshit.

(Sorry.)

And you know it.

My attitude is a direct reflection of my relationship with the Lord... that's true.

But He put us HERE... on Earth... where our lives are molded around some dirty stuff; laundry, puke, mean people, deals gone bad, mortgages, and bowel movement schedules.

That's the truth.

And sometimes ... most times... my relationship with Him is a direct reflection of the mess I've created in my daily life.

So...

My goal this year is to learn how to ask for more...

more encouragement, more 'me' time, more PDA, more help, more date nights, more girls' nights, more play dates, more conversation, more sex, more romance, more honesty, more family nights, more nights away, more surprises, more listening, more wine...

more love.

Just more.

Because all of those things are the good things we have this side of perfection.

And in this dirty life, getting more always means wanting more... but life is so dirty that more of the good things isn't a bad thing, right?!

Asking for it is the hard part.

And I'll do my best to return the favor...

because even though life's not fair and it can get pretty dirty, the very best part is knowing that you've done a little more for someone else, too.

Try both; Ask for more... And then give more. 

Fulfillment.

It works.

the look...

Parenting a child with special needs is tough.

 

It's a joy, don't get me wrong...

 

but it's tough.

 

Words like 'age-appropriate' or 'developmental delays' or 'failure to thrive' swirl around in your head... but at the same time that medical professionals warn you of those terrifying realities that have become your child's life, 'don't compare' and 'I'm sure he'll catch up' and 'by the time he's 2 years old....' are meant to be soothing and comforting to the already-terrified parent.

 

I remember so many times when Hunter was tiny... at the store or a doctor's office... watching 'typical' kids run and play and talk... things we were told Hunter would never do. They were full of joy and life and I'd watch them longingly...

 

I didn't long for me...

 

for my son.

 

This is where I first became aware of 'the look.'

 

The look on a parents' face when, no matter how hard they try not to, they find themselves comparing their child to another seemingly-more 'normal' child... doing seemingly-more 'normal' things.

 

I'd watch closely... how they moved, sounded, responded to kids and adults... and I'd look at my son and my heart would shatter.

 

Not because he wasn't good enough or as good as them... because he was.

 

It would shatter for him.

 

For the things he'd never be able to do or say or understand... for what he would miss out on in life...

 

And I would walk through the rest of my day paralyzed with the fear that if he wasn't able to run and play and talk and understand, then he would never experience joy... the joy that comes from being full of life.

 

'The look' in my face... the look I know other mom's could see... was the look of a Mama who was....

 

scared? anxious?

 

jealous, even?

 

That's a hard one to swallow.

 

It took months for me to learn how to hide 'the look'... how to block out the sounds and sights of other kids who were Hunter's age. I put so much energy into ignoring what was 'typical' and settled over and over again on the reality that Hunter would be his own 'typical'... his movements and growth and development redefined 'normal' in my head.

 

And I was ok resting there for a while... in a place where 'normal' and 'typical' didn't exist... where the sounds and sights of kids running and playing and talking and responding to their surroundings didn't define 'normal' anymore.

 

We were sitting in the waiting room at Hunter's Audiologists the other day ... Hunter took over the place! He was running from chair to chair... he would walk over to someone else who was waiting and would gently put his hand on their knee, just so they would say 'hi' to him... he'd move on and grab a magazine just so he could throw it on the floor... he made himself welcome behind the front desk and got a kick out of the paper shredder...

 

and then I saw them.

 

The beautiful couple sitting around the corner with their son, in the far side of the waiting room. Their 6 year old son was in a wheelchair... sitting up, but not really... aware, but not... happy, so happy!

 

His parents were watching Hunter so closely... his movement, his sounds, how he responded to his surroundings....

the look.

We were getting the look... US!

My heart broke at the longing in their face... the grief.... the jealousy.

It was as if Hunter sensed their attention and, as if on cue, he walked over to their son's wheelchair and gently placed his hand on the wheel. He looked from the boy to his parents and back at me... I knew what he was asking me and I nodded... he looked back at the sweet boy and smiled at him before he toddled off.

He broke the ice for me...

Their son had just had brain surgery... he went into it as a fully hearing boy and came out of it deaf.

As we talked... as I travelled through Hunter's story with them... I saw the most amazing thing...

as we talked, their precious son struggled to turn his head just so he could see his parents, so he could just be assured that they were there... with him, in the middle of the visual chaos and silent conversation surrounding him... he needed to see them but more that that, he needed them to see him. Their look meant that everything was ok... would be ok... that he was safe.

And it hit me;

I had spent so much time focused on how other people looked at us and how looking at other kids felt to me...

that I had missed the real looks... the only ones that matters;

the look of contentment and security and safety on my son's face when he looks for me.... and when he finds me.

And when our eyes meet? That look brings out confidence and strength in him ... confidence and strength that only a glance between us can bring out in him because I'm the one who taught him that look, after all.

"I love how your son looks at you."

They sat speechless... and something else amazing happened...

their look slowly transformed from hopeless...

to hopeful.

A few simple words... a million hidden meanings.

What makes a child 'normal' or 'typical' isn't in their movement or language...

it's in their look...

 the one that tells them that they're wanted and accepted and deserving... that they're strong and capable and confident... the one that defines 'joy'...

the one that tells them that they're loved.

A Mom's Personal Ad; Wanted....

Wanted:

Not just a babysitter.

Not family. Not a friend.

Not a body to keep my couch warm.

Wanted:

Someone to fall in love with my kids...  no one can possible love them as much as I do... someone who's goal is to come close.

Wanted:

Someone who is seeking to invest in the lives of my children.... in the next generation.... quite possibly the generation of her own children.

Wanted:

A playmate. Someone who, in a short couple of hours, can take my daily job to the next level... who can encourage imagination, someone who's goal is to have exhausted, sleepy, mentally and physically exhausted babies to put to bed at 8pm.

Wanted:

A photographer. Someone who appreciates that the time I spend away from my kids is a double-edged sword.... that time is precious and necessary for my own health but it's also the only time (quite possibly in a LONG time) that I have been split in two. They and their Daddy are my other half.... even if their Daddy is away with me, I'm missing a quarter of my life that completes me. Someone who will 'work' as hard as she can to be 'me' in my place.... and will send me a picture or two while I'm gone so they can still be with me, even though we're apart.

Wanted:

Their first love. I remember my childhood babysitter with the absolute best memories.... Heather. We went on bike rides, fed the cows around the corner, painted, played hide and seek, read books, made up our own stories, and when she put me to bed, I couldn't wait until the next time Mom and Dad went out! Someone who will 'work' to win my kids' hearts.... so when she puts them to bed, she takes the smallest piece of them with her... until next time. Someone who, when a week too much has passed, will gently remind me that she loves my kids and wants to see them soon ;-)

Wanted:

A 'soul' mate. Someone who will spend time understanding and dissecting their inner-most beings.... who can recognize their quirkiness and embrace their insecurities. Someone who can teach them and guide them in their walk with the Lord.... and their walk in life.

Wanted:

My confidante. Someone who can find a balance between being their trusted friend.... and being mine, when it comes to them.

Wanted:

A human. Someone who doesn't strive to be perfect but who's priority is to be the best she can be for them, in the short time they're hers. Someone who admits short-comings and doesn't try to hide behind the check at the end of the night. Someone who isn't afraid to call or text me if she has a question... big or small! Someone who understands that asking me a question is good for my heart when I'm away ;-)

Wanted:

A good listener. I know my kids better than anyone.... and my full-time job revolves around the routine and schedule that, the outcome of MANY trials and errors, works the absolute BEST for my kids. Someone who will tune in 100% to my (sometimes lengthy, often-times redundant, and sticky-note involving) list of expectations. None of them are obsurd... all of them are crucial.

Wanted:

A nurse-minded individual. My kids are precious and fun and lovable... but their medical history HAS to be known by any and everyone who cares for them in my absence. This even includes their Daddy! Their medical history will always be displayed in an easy-to-find place... their medications, schedules, important numbers, etc. Tune in. Make a mental note of where the CPR instructions are posted (on the fridge ;-)) and understand that being with my kids does not increase the chance of you needing to follow those instructions.... but that, in order for me to trust you with their lives... I need to feel confident that you at least know where they are posted. This is a routine I follow every single morning... and I'm the mom!

Wanted:

A quasi-therapist. Someone who can understand and appreciate that no one loves these two children more than I do. No one is more invested in their lives, health, hearts, and future. Someone who will humor me and nod with understanding at my lengthy and repetitive explanations.... even if they make fun of me for it later :-)

Wanted:

Light housekeeper, nutritionist, and pet lover . The house is at least as clean after bedtime as it was when you got here (that's an easy one!).... dessert is a treat but snacks are healthy.... the dog has a chance to pee.

Wanted:

Me. Another me.

I've mentioned before that trusting people with my children is, hands-down, the hardest part of parenting for me. I don't take my job lightly.... I take it so seriously that, often-times, I make myself sick.

Becoming a Mom has challenged and tested my trust in the Lord exponentially.

I have felt so incredibly convicted lately.... I can't seem to shake the Lord's voice; He's telling me that I need to let go. I need to trust that the people He brings into my children's lives will be good for them.... that I'm actually depriving my kids by denying them the opportunities to know and trust other people who love them...

And I'm denying those people the opportunity to know and love two of the most amazing miracles they'll ever know.

That's a hard reality to face.

Don't get me wrong... I've trusted other's with my kids. Joey Mom, my Mom and Dad, my brother and his wife, and a couple babysitters who I (and Hannah) have loved! We've moved a lot in the past couple of years.... and family lives hours away and babysitters are now off at college.

But let me tell you something..... leaving Hannah with a babysitter was one of the hardest things I've ever done... but I did it and it was a step that was healthy for all of us; me, Joey, and Hannah.

Even thinking about leaving Hunter is another story entirely!

I won't find another me...

But I have to start trusting that someone else can be a wonderful variation of me in the lives of my kids when I take a few minutes for the real 'me'.

Wanted:

One kid-crazy, Jesus-loving, psycho-Mom-accepting individual to invest herself 100% in the lives of my children a few hours a week so their lives can be richer and their Mama's can be calmer. That Mama? You'll love her.... eventually ;-) Her kids? You'll love them immediately!