When routine doesn't feel so routine...

Hunter is scheduled to have his 3rd sedated hearing test tomorrow morning.

 

It's just a routine test.. but they never feel 'routine' to the Mama.

Hunter's has had his hearing aids since May (if you haven't seen his video... WATCH IT!)  and tomorrow will be his first ABR since then.

An ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) can be done in an Audiologists office... for the 'normal, quiet child who will sit still for 2 hours while electrodes and plugs are placed in and behind their ears'.

Have you ever had one of those?!

If so, I don't wanna hear about it.

Hunter is NOT that child.... thankfully!!

He's a wrestler... he's a yeller... he's easily distracted... he's BUSY! He does NOT sit still... or take a nap in my arms for 2 hours... or tolerate anything but his hearing aids being stuffed in his ears.

When this ABR was first mentioned it didn't take long for me to refuse the in-office ABR... I'd rather not put Hunter, the doctor, and myself through that inevitable h**l.

So... here we are. I hate the thought of sedating my baby... again. I know it's 'routine'... I know it's absolutely necessary... and I still hate it.

Forget not eating for 12 hours before ... forget how early I have to wake him up...  forget watching a nurse walk away with part of your life...

it's signing the papers, acknowledging the risk of death, and releasing anyone of responsibility... it's the hardest part.

'Routine' just doesn't feel so 'routine' when your pen hits that paper.

Hunter will be fine. I know this. How?

 He's a wrestler. He's a yeller. He's easily distracted.

He's here.

But Mama? The verses will rotate in my head and what I know will fight to stay at the forefront of my mind... but part of my heart will be missing for 2 hours until my baby is back in my arms.

It's not about me... please don't get me wrong.

But these things just don't get any easier... for any of us. And tomorrow, I'll be doing it alone... 'routine' doesn't accommodate work schedules as often as 'routine' happens around here... and big sister gets some one-on-one Daddy time tomorrow morning before school :-)

Once again, I'm going to ask you to pray for Hunter's test tomorrow... for his breathing to remain stable and his airways open (my biggest fear)... for him to go to sleep and wake up easily... for the nurse who will walk away from me with him... and for the technicians who will be in the room with him. Pray for his Daddy who will be fighting this distraction while he's in meetings all morning. Pray for his big sister... she's pretty clueless but she deserves a good day, too ;-) Pray that Hunter won't sense my anxiety but that his morning will be as calm and as 'routine' as possible.

At the end of the day, we'll know how well Hunter's hearing aids are helping him, if they're set at the right thresh-holds, and how we can proceed from here in helping him fill in the missing pieces of his hearing loss...

It'll be a good day... just a long one ;-)

I haven't posted an update for you lately on Hunter's progress and I think the video I captured today during speech therapy sums it up pretty well...

And everyone needs a little bit of Hunter's laughter in their lives ;-)

As Hunter gets used to new sounds and continues learning how to understand the new words he's hearing... as we work with his AMAZING therapist to teach him how to follow directions and put words with objects... once in a while, a word or phrase will tickle his ears... and the sound that comes from him is contagious... the best sound in the world!

Listening to this boy... who never should have lived, none-the-less crawled or walked or talked... listening to him understand words and find them funny... it's music to my ears.

A miracle every single time.

Did your day just get a little better?

He does that to people :-)

I'll post an update tomorrow... and probably a picture or two of our sleepy boy!





 

 

Big Things Coming.... Pray, Please?

We have known for quite some time that Hunter has some hearing loss....

 

The dog barks, the vacuum is turned on right next to him, the blender, a certain 4 year old's yelling ;-)....

 

There are many days when we wonder if he's even deaf.

 

Any preemie faces a number of possibilities and unknowns for their future.... learning disabilities, hearing loss, blindness, other physical or developmental delays.... many of them take lots of time to show up.

 

Deafness (well, none of them, really) has never been a concern of ours.

 

Not that it was never a 'maybe'.... but if it was ever even a 'reality, it didn't matter!

 

Our baby who 'should' have had numerous heart surgeries by now, can't hear...

 

So freakin' what?!

 

:-)

 

Just the truth.

 

We find ourselves confused, at times because we know he heard and responded to noises when we first brought him home.... so we've always suspected that fluid was causing his hearing to come and go.

 

Hunter has failed his newborn hearing screening 4 times and we just recently had a lull in 'more urgent' matters so we were finally able to see an ENT....

 

This was a LONG awaited visit!

 

Hunter is developing and growing by leaps and bounds every day.... his language, sitting, crawling, walking.... all milestones we anxiously await because, one day, we were told he never would...

 

and now we know he will.

 

We don't know when or how or what will happen between here and there but we know he'll do it all!

 

Our job is to help him get there.

 

The ENT confirmed that Hunter is experiencing about a 50-60% hearing loss due to lots and lots of thick fluid in his ears....

 

which explains why he has the most terrible ... non-existent?... balance!

 

:-)

 

It also explains why he wakes up crying that high pitch, painful cry every 2 hours... why he doesn't nap... why he hates laying down but gets frustrated because what else is he supposed to do?!... why his mouth forms words perfectly but he doesn't know what sound goes with what word...

 

This was the most amazing news that the ENT could have told us!

 

50-60?!?! That's NOTHING! That means he  DOES hear 40-50% of the time!!!

 

We'll take it :-)

 

He also noticed, as we do, that Hunter takes all of his social cues from faces... if he can't see a face, he doesn't know what's going on; should he be happy? Sad? Scared? Should he feel secure and safe?  

 

If I'm holding him and talking to someone next to me, he will put his tiny hand on my face and turn it toward him.... if Mama's happy, so is he :-) He just needs a face to see!

 

I imagine this is also why he wakes so often at night.... not only does fluid hurt :-( but think about waking up, in the dark, and not being able to hear! It just breaks my heart.

 

We went in to our appointment a few weeks ago only wanting to know what we can/should be doing... where do we sign up for sign language classes? Does he need cochlear implants? Are we just over-reacting?!

 

No.... to all of it.

 

Next Tuesday Hunter will get tubes put in his ears...

 

such a routine, normal surgery.

 

But not for us.

 

Once his tubes are in place, the audiology team will do another hearing test while Hunter is still asleep to measure the air-flow in his eardrums...

 

and we will know right away if his hearing loss is temporary, meaning it will be restored with tubes, or if it's permanent. If it is permanent, the most he will ever need is a hearing aid or 2!!

 

We are counting the hours until Tuesday morning!

 

As we get closer to his surgery, we have a couple prayer requests...

 

(And I love that, even though we weren't able to ask for prayer publicly in Hunter's first few months of  life, that we can now.... I love it!)

 

 

So... if you think about it;

 

1) If you read this post, you know that Hunter has a cold... no big deal.... unless you're scheduled to be under anesthesia in 5 days :-/ Hunter's cold is worse. We have an appointment tomorrow morning with his pulmonologist to see if there's anything we can do in the next few days to open his airways and clear up this cold so he can have his surgery.

 

My worst fear is that, because of his history, surgery will be cancelled if his cough and cold are still like they are today. His airways have been sensitive enough in the past, I know they won't even try surgery unless they're clear. (Of course we don't want them to take chances, but we know that getting this fluid out of his ears will open up a whole new world of development for him! We want it so badly for him... and you know how hard it is for us to wait  ;-))

 

 

 

2) Hunter had minor surgery back in October and flew threw it ... no apneas, no breathing issues, and he handled anesthesia well....

 

But.

 

It's still anesthesia. And it still affects your breathing. And his Cardiologist has given her ok... and we're praying for his pulmonologist's ok.

 

But it's still our Hunter.

 

Above all, I am trying to remember that God holds this life in his hands... and even if I had the choice to move him to someone else's hands, I wouldn't.

 

He's in good hands.

 

Capable. Strong. Faithful. Miraculous hands.

 

So maybe our 2nd prayer request is for his Mama ;-)

 

 

 

That's it. Please pray that his cold and cough clear up and that he handles anesthesia well.

 

Uneventful-ness is our prayer :-)

 

Here's the thing about the past 10 months of our lives.... 10 of the most amazing and exciting and challenging and trying months of our lives... full of tests of faith... and promises of grace.... and peace, even among fear...

 

But every time I start to worry and start to get scared and doubt and wonder and question...

 

Something happens that shuts me up.

 

God does something every single time that I take as His way of saying, "Seriously, Lindsay?! After all of this?! Trust me. Just trust."

 

When these moments have come in the past, sometimes we've seen huge miracles and sometimes we've seen small victories.... but all of them are HUGE to us.... reasons to celebrate.

 

Well... Yesterday was no different.

 

I was worried and scared and had so many questions...

 

Has the fluid been there too long? Has the damage already been done? Will this keep him from sitting and talking and walking? We waited so long to take him in.... is this our fault?!

 

And I sat down to play with my son while his big sister was napping and this happened....

 

 

Just like that. SITTING!!! ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!

 

"Worry and fear and doubt.... I expect them. But do not for a second underestimate me. I hold this child in the palm of my hand. I am the only one capable of loving him more... yes, even more than you. So let go. And let me."

 

God said that to me yesterday.... and I got His message loud and clear ;-)

 

 

Thank you for praying, friends... thank you for loving us and for being there to celebrate these amazing, exciting, though seemingly small milestones with us. We are so thankful for you!

 

And we'll keep you posted!

 

 



"Every Good and Perfect Gift...

...Is From Above"

~ James 1:17

 

“I’m sorry, but your baby is not compatible with life.”

 

A phrase no mother or father should ever EVER have to hear. These words echoed in the minds of Aleisa and William for 99 days after they were given that devastating news during a ultrasound. Through prayer, reflection and endless amounts of support, Aleisa made the promise to her baby girl, “I will carry you.” Many would have “opted out” of their pregnancy like some doctors often suggest because with the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, if you are even blessed with life outside the womb, the quality is not there. Choosing life was the most admirable, inspirational, selfless and faith filled act Aleisa and William could have ever done. The emotional roller coaster she describes in her blog was often unbearable for me to even read. She openly discusses her raw emotions and it’s more than evident how her faith is the only reason she’s made it this far. I believe when she accepted this cross to bear, in her true testament of faith, she became a disciple in Christ. She’s exemplified such unconditional love that the pieces of God’s elaborate plan for them and Nora especially, are beginning to fall in place. Her selflessness has brought thousands together in a community of prayer, which is only a small part of the big things happening because of this sweet baby girl. Because she saw this as a blessing and NOT misfortune, look at the reward God gave them yesterday. Amazing.

 

We were in complete awe, as we witnessed a miracle right in front of our eyes. They prayed their way through the pain of the (likelihood) chance of stillbirth and pleaded with God to allow her life here on Earth. With immense fear, Aleisa pushed Nora out. She was peacefully alert, only having a little struggle in the beginning. As you watch in the slide show, Aleisa is praying with all her might for God to spare her baby. A sight that was so heart wrenching, everyone in the room was sobbing. None of us were in control. No one could bear her cross. No one could ease the pain of a mother knowing every.single.breath has the potential to be her baby’s last.

 

After a little oxygen help she let out music to her mama’s ears, a big healthy cry. Through the grace of God, her vitals became and remained stable and Nora continue to fight for her life just as she had the previous 9mths in the womb. Once she was back on mommy’s chest, the family poured in with great anticipation to see the breath taking site of a beautiful breathing Nora Rose. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. Love filled the room to the brim and slowly the panic and anxiety lingering in everyone’s heart was peacefully calmed by the sweet sighs and sounds of a fresh infant. She was passed around, kissed and embraced by all, myself included. After awhile, everyone crowded around as their friend from their church baptized her.

 

  They wanted me to photograph her with all the wonderful gifts they received, including a beyond precious dress and headband aunt Sarah made for her. She modeled so gracefully and didn’t mind the paparazzi in her face at all times. To follow along and watch Nora conquer each day, go to Aleisa’s blog. It seems as though the whole world is rooting for this beautiful baby.

 

This baby is changing lives.

(Copied from Beautiful Beginnings)

 

I wanted to be sure that you read this powerful story before you saw it unfold....

 

 

To watch Nora's birth in pictures, grab some tissues and click here....

 

 

~ I don't have to know you, sweet baby girl to know that there is an amazing plan for your life... I am so excited to watch your story unfold!

 

 

They're On Loan From Heaven.... and they're ours for just a while.

I'm still here!

I wish I could tell you how much your sweet emails and Facebook messages have meant to me over the past couple of weeks! It sounds weird but I have put off posting this update for a few days because I love your notes of concern so much.... I mean, who doesn't want to know they are missed?!? :-)

I think it's fair to say that the past couple of weeks have been.....

crazy.

First off, I'll answer some of your most pressing questions...

Do we have a new baby?

Nope.

Is everyone healthy?

Yes.

How can we pray for you?

Just pray ;-)

About 2.5 weeks ago, at 4:13pm, on a Tuesday night, my phone rang. It was an adoption attorney in Florida.... a fairly popular one and I'm sure some of you fellow 'waiters' know his name. While he doesn't keep a stack of waiting families' profiles on hand, he does have a list of waiting families that he emails when an expectant mom comes to him. We had responded to one of these 'potential adoption situations' about 2 weeks earlier (mom due in June, boy, Florida) and hadn't heard anything so we chalked it up to another 'possibility'. That's what made this call a little shocking...

" 'D' has seen your profile and would like to meet you. On Thursday. In Jacksonville, FL. Are you and your husband available to meet her at 4pm?

Ummm.....

"Sure! See you then!"

(I mean, what do you say... NO?!?!)

Let me summarize the next 48 hours for you...

* Phone call to Joey; "Come home NOW. We are meeting a birthmom on Thursday night at 4pm in Florida. We have a dog. And a 3 year old. And ... just come home NOW."

* Frantic call to amazingly flexible and helpful friends; "Can you take Hannah to school tomorrow? And can you get our mail for.... until I tell you to stop?"

* Frantic call to babysitter; "We have to be in Florida on Thursday... can you stay with Hannah Thursday night?"

* Frantic call to vet; "We have had an unexpected trip come up... our dog is NOT up to date on his shots... can you do his shots and board him for 3 days?"

* Oh yeah.... frantic email  to family; "PLEASE PRAY!"

* Frantic packing. Frantic hotel reservation. Frantic....

crazy.

Joey and I drove 6 hours on Thursday and at 4pm met with a wonderful woman who was very pregnant with a sweet. healthy baby boy, due June 24.

We loved 'D'. We 'clicked'. We laughed. We cried. We hugged. We talked... a lot.

** Let me interject... in my own post ;-). Have you ever been at a "Match Meeting"??? It's EXHAUSTING!!!! You're nervous. You're on your best behavior. You're sweating. You're thirsty. You COMPLETELY FORGET WHO YOU ARE! You don't remember how old you were when..... You don't remember how old your child is! You don't remember when you got married or what school you went to or what your house looks like or....

K. I'm done. **

Joey and I went in to this Match Meeting with some reservations. We didn't know much about 'D' and we had questions about what we DID know....we just wanted to know more.

These feelings completely threw me and Joey off. We didn't expect to have questions because when we met Hananh's First Parents, all we wanted was for THEM to love US. This time? We were making decisions, too... We needed to know what this particular relationship would be like for Hannah; for the baby we DO have. Now. We needed to know what this future relationship would look like in comparison to the relationship we have with Hannah's First Family.

While we wanted more than anything for this mom to love us and to CHOOSE us, we also felt as if we were at a crucial cross-road...

If she DID choose us, would us continuing in this relationship with her and her sweet boy's First Family be in Hannah's best interest? She's the one we DO have.... the only one we are responsible for right now.

This is one of those things.... one of those things that makes adoption....

crazy? Unfair?

One thing that makes it suck.

(Sorry... I just said 'suck')

Joey and I left the attorney's office late Thursday night, had an amazing Ocean-side dinner in Jacksonville, went back to our hotel, and ...

slept.

We woke up Friday morning and finally had space in our minds to talk and we agreed with each other 100%...

* We loved 'D'

*We were absolutely comfortable with what we envisioned in our future with 'D'

* We were very confident that this baby, this sweet boy, would come home with us (because, as we know so well... that doesn't always happen)

But...

(there's always a 'but').

There was something...

It wasn't clear.

We have spent a year and a half praying for this baby... for our baby. Baby Smith Number 2.

Of all the things we DON'T know, we DO know this....

When our baby and his/her First Mama come into our lives, we'll KNOW.

But... we didn't know.

And that, friends..... that is uncomfortable. And it's painful. And you feel guilty and mean and completely....

crazy.

You cry and you ask 'WHY?" and you cry and you get mad and you cry.

We woke up Friday morning and this 'something' had us both in it's death-grip...

Were we really going to say 'no' AGAIN?!

How could God do this AGAIN?!?!

Haven't we been through enough?!

CAN WE BE DONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!

This something wasn't screaming, "THIS IS YOUR BABY!!!!"...  it was quietly whispering, "Your baby is still waiting...."

 

And then my phone rang.... at 9:38am Friday morning...

" 'D' chose you. She wants to move forward and discuss the details of this open adoption!"

Because that's good news, right?!?!

But that something was still there....

So we said "no".

again.

Yes, friends. You're right. WE ARE unequivocally, irrevocably...

CRAZY!!!!!

One of the hardest lessons we've learned in the adoption process is this...

We are NOT right for every baby... and every baby is NOT right for us. Every First Mom isn't right for us. We aren't right for every expectant mom. Sometimes, more often than not (since we won't have a million kids), there are many MORE perfect families for a baby than we could ever be!

It's just the truth.

That was almost 2 weeks ago and friends, after all that.... I needed a break.

I was asking God for a break.

Nope...

BEGGING Him for a break.

And He's given it to me. In ways I never could have imagined....

I can breathe. My heart is full and it doesn't hurt. I have found rest.

I took a break and feel like I can say with 100% certainty that...

I am exactly where my Heavenly Father wants me.

Sometimes where HE wants me isn't exactly where I WANT to be or where I THOUGHT I would be...

but it's right.

And it's where I can find my rest.

Thank you for worrying about us... thank you for your notes. Each note is treasured and saved... they are all further proof that our next baby is loved more than anyone could ever imagine.

Our story is just beginning and while the journey, our journey, has been painful.... all will be forgotten when our sweet, precious, perfect baby is in our arms.

And I know this, how?!

Because THIS sweet, precious, and perfect baby is in our arms!

He's Going Home...

Yesterday I asked you to pray for a special family from our church... a family that has already been ripped apart this year and is now facing more tragedy.

Today or tomorrow are expected to be Matt Nagel's last days before he goes home to be with Jesus. If you don't know their story of losing their daughter, please catch up here.

It's kind of sick that I wish I could say....

"Matt Nagel will join his daughter in Heaven..."

It's sick because his daughter is alive and well... she's just not with them; the parents who raised her from birth and lost her to her birth-father when she was 2.5 years old.

Since when does death sound like a better option than life?!

Regardless of who he will join in Heaven, it's where he is supposed to be... and he will be whole, and happy, and complete.

What breaks my heart today is what is happening in the hearts and lives of his wife and daughter (the daughter they still have... Waverly's older sister).

You would think that this family, losing their daughter, knowing she is living just 20 minutes away and probably shopping at the same WalMart and Target as them.... you would think that THAT is enough loss and pain for a life-time.

But now this...

I've met this family a handful of times but I feel like I know them so well... when you know someones heart, you know them.

Please pray for Molly tonight as she sits by Matt's side and waits...

Pray for sweet Harper who has already lost her baby sister and will now lose her Daddy...

The Nagels have already been bombarded with 2 years-worth of court costs in their fight to keep their daughter and this is only adding to their... to Molly's... financial burden.

As if the emotional burden wasn't enough.

A fund was set up years ago for their fight to keep Waverly and it is now being used for people to support Molly through this. Of course prayer for this family is more than enough but if you feel a 'tug' to help in some tangible way, please visit their blog and click the PayPal link to the right... I know first-hand that monetary support is appreciated more than we know.

My heart has been so so heavy for Molly and Waverly. It's days like these when I realize just how precious life is. I also realize just how profound God's love for us truly is... it's unimaginable and indescribable.

It sounds disgusting and mean today but...

through this tragedy, God's love will shine. I know this because I know this family and I know the people who are surrounding them right now... Matt's life has been and always will be a testament of God's perfect plan;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I, just like Molly, Waverly, and their family, am anxious for the day when we will see God's plan unfold fully. Until then, please lift this family up.

** To follow the Nagel's... to follow Molly and Waverly... through the next few days and months, visit their Caring Bridge page here **

** To follow Molly and Waverly through their own perspective or to catch up on their story until today, visit their blog here **



Please Pray...

A while back I asked you to pray for this family...

They brought their newborn baby-girl home through adoption and then lost her when she was 2.5 years old.

I was tempted to say 'lost her to her birth-father' but I know that in most circumstances, that isn't nice or acceptable... in this case, they lost her to her birth-father.

This family's husband went running on Sunday morning with some friends and collapsed. He's now in ICU with massive swelling in his brain after a stroke. There's little the doctors can do (after 2 surgeries already) except give him some meds, induce hypothermia.... and pray for a miracle.

This man, this daddy and husband who has been through what we would consider hell... I know he's in danger and I know he needs prayer but the thing is... he doesn't know what's going on. Yes he needs prayer, too but he doesn't feel anything and he isn't aware of how dire his circumstances are while God is working in this situation ....

but his wife?

She knows. She's been through the same hell and she's living it again... they lost their daughter.... but they have another one, too; a younger one. And THAT baby girl lost her sister... and now?

They're faced with the reality that they might lost their husband and daddy.

I don't have to ask you ...

This family needs prayer, friends.

Please pray and please ask those you know to pray.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle ...

but how can one family be expected to 'handle' this on top of all that this past year has taken away from them?

Please pray.



Sweet Wavy

Can you believe that Christmas is only 10 days away?! What happened to January through November?

I've been MIA from my blog because I have been journaling the old-fashioned way... with a pen and paper :-). I have learned some of the most difficult lessons of my life in the past 2 weeks and I will slowly, but surely, try to unwind and unwrap these couple of weeks for you... and me.  I have been painfully stretched beyond the limits of what I thought I could handle. My family has been through some of the darkest times. We have experienced the power of Satan in ways I didn't even think I believed in before now. We have experienced the power of the Lord in ways I knew were possible but never thought I would experience in my life-time. I am still thankful for every second.

I absolutely hate to come back to you all with doom and gloom. If you know me, that's now how I am, nor how I want to be. But for now, with future promises of some funny stories and yummy recipes, I am asking you to once again please pray for this family. They are experiencing darker times than I can ever imagine. I believe in a God who can perform miracles. He reminds me of this each and every day when I look at our daughter. SHE is a miracle. Every child is a miracle and proof of His greatness.

 Please pray for them. Please pray for a miracle.

No Words...

I am asking you to please lift this family up in prayer. They faithfully attend our church. They have just lost a 2.5 year fight for the finalization of their adoption and will lose their 2.5 year old baby-girl in 30 short days when they relinquish her to her birth-father.

My heart is broken for this sweet family. I can't imagine what I would be feeling if we lost our baby-girl, who is the same age as Waverley. I don't know how you could possibly move on from this without the strength and power of the Lord to guide you.