Life.

As we near the day, one year ago, that we lost our precious Number 3, I am completely overwhelmed with so many emotions...

That day tragically welcomed me... initiated me... into a 'club' that no one ever wants to be  a part of.

Can I be honest?

I had spent years.... YEARS.... basking in the comfort of 'just knowing' that we had been through enough heartache, enough pain and disappointment, that God would spare us from that.

 Right?!

Of course He would.

We had met our max... had experienced more than our fair share of failed infertility treatments, month after month... year after year of 'trying', too many failed matches, quite a few frantic packing sessions and plan making and plane-ticket-buying only to end up empty handed...

and at the end of it all, at least I could take comfort in the fact that, because of our infertility.... because we simply couldn't get pregnant in the first place... that my Jesus would save us from that... the unmentionable.... that thing that no one talks about...

miscarriage....

and ultimately, the death of a baby.

Don't get me wrong, we have lost DOZENS of babies in our 8 years of marriage...

but every one of them is walking and talking and living today...

not with us...

but they are.

And that loss, though different, never leaves you alone, either....

I know each one by name. I knew and loved their mama's with all my heart. We planned for them... prepared our home and hearts for them. They will always be part of our 'extended' family...

but they're still there... somewhere.

And I think about each one of the every single day.

And then it happened...

A surprise pregnancy came with elation and amazement at the miracles He has done in our lives...

and then it was gone.

Our precious #3.

And our world was shattered.

It took months for me to work through what had happened....

How did God think we could handle this?!

How do you have sex for 8 years... TRY for so long... and then just 'happen' to get pregnant?!

How can God bless you in such an enormous, life changing way... and then rip it from your grasp so tragically?

I was so mad. At God. 

But then it happened again...

And here we are.... 1 year since we lost our #3, 24 weeks into my second pregnancy, and about 15 weeks away from meeting our newest son...

A boy!

I've spent the past couple of months trying to figure out what to write... how to write.

I remember 'those blogs'... I've read dozens of them;

infertility, adoption, loss... and a surprise pregnancy...

and all of a sudden, all of those things that bound us... the one's we had in common... the desperate emotions I felt that were so perfectly placed into sentences were replaced with belly pictures and comparisons of babies to fruit...

those things were gone. The pain of infertility? It was somehow gone.

So I stopped reading.

I won't do that here... I refuse.... but that explains my silence recently...

As miraculous and as exciting as this time in our lives is, our precious fruit-sized baby doesn't change the fact that infertility has defined me for so long.

I'm still infertile.

And I know that that's a tough one to swallow but friends, it's true....

A pregnancy can't erase the years and years of longing and dreaming and suffering and crying out to Jesus...

because those moments, that heartache, is responsible for who I am today.

Those times define major milestones in my faith and my relationship with my Jesus... with my husband. They collected and accumulated to make me the mom I am to our 2 miracles through adoption...

they will make me the mom I will be to our newest baby, too.

So here I am...

31 years old.... 8 years since we started trying to get pregnant... 2 adoptions in to the growth of our beautiful family... dozens of losses through adoption and 1 tragic loss of our first homegrown baby... 24 weeks into our second pregnancy... 15 weeks away from meeting our second son...

and I'm still infertile.

And I'm terrified.

I know how to do infertile....

I'm a pro.

Growing a baby? Remembering with every glance in the mirror at my growing belly and with every somersault and kick that this is what my heart desired... remembering that this is what I asked for, what I longed for...

finding comfort in the fulfillment of His promises...

and trying so desperately to trust...

that we won't lose this one, too.

My heart still aches for our precious #3... and my arms ache for our #4.

I'm wishing time away, friends...

counting down the days, minutes, and seconds until I can finally hold this sweet baby boy.

And as 'that day' one year ago closes in, I've spent so much time grasping for closure to the tragedy that we experienced just one year ago... trying to find purpose in the lowest low and now the highest high of God's plan for us... trying to answer those questions of 'how' and 'why'...

and it's only recently that I've discovered something;

I will never find 'purpose' in death.

And it's actually ok that Jesus chose this to be part of our story... it's painful and I wish he had chosen to let our sweet #3 stay... but it's ok.

God never promises life on Earth...

He DOES promise life in eternity.

John 3:16- For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will NOT die but have eternal LIFE.

Our earthly bodies and minds will never be able to accept death... we're not supposed to... we're not built with the capacity to rationalize something as terrible and as painful as losing those we love; the ones Jesus put in our lives to strengthen and teach us and help us grow.

The purpose we can find is in life... even if that life flashed by in the blink of an eye.

Our only goal as parents is to raise our children to know Jesus... their creator... the writer of their stories... the author of the miracles that gave them to us...

and by doing that, Joey and I know that our family will one day be complete and whole in Heaven.

What greater gift can you give your family than life in eternity together and the hope that comes with knowing we'll never have to live apart?

The loss of our precious #3 will hurt every day until the day we are all together again...

but we will be together again. And that's the promise I've found in the loss of our baby... Jesus helped us fulfill our deepest desire as parents; to see our babies in eternity... whenever He's ready for us.

And that is the purpose I have found in the short, but oh-so-sweet life of our #3. That sweet baby is waiting for us, giving us purpose and comfort here in this life, allowing us to rest in the knowledge that someone is waiting for us... waiting to complete us.

And this baby... Our #4... our son?

Every wave and every kick reminds me that, while 'infertile' will always be a word that defines me... while loss still feels so close and raw... while fear and anxiety stand at the cusp of stealing my joy...

 new life is coming.

I'm learning how to do this thing called 'pregnant'... it's not easy. I'm learning that the miracles that create life inside of one and place it in her arms are full of as many unknowns and challenges as the miracles that create life inside one and place it in the arms of another.

Today I am grateful for the short life of our #3 and rest in knowing that he/she is safely waiting for me in the arms of Jesus...

and I'm grateful for the life inside of me that reminds me throughout each day that life is what we are promised...

Whether we find the fulfillment of that promise here on Earth...

or in eternity with him.

#4

We found ourselves in a fog after losing our precious #3...

traveling through the shock of finding ourselves pregnant after EIGHT years off birth control... 4 years of infertility testing/ medication/ treatments/ charting/ timing, 6 IUI's, 2 beautiful adoptions, and accepting... no... loving the perfect plan of building our family through adoption.

The loss of our #3 left us in a shock unlike any other... the questions we had about the future of our family grew exponentially... counseling... depression... helping our tender 30 year old hearts heal... and helping one precious 5 year old heart heal, too...

Our once-dreaded due-date came and brought with it so much joy... reminders that we aren't alone, that #3 will never be forgotten, that our pain is not just our own... 

We had cake to bring what we are sure was a Heavenly celebration for our #3 down to Earth...

and then...

"Mommy, I know our new baby will LOVE birthday cake on his birthday next year!'

Our smart girl gives us goosebumps when she does that... remember this? And this?

So I knew.... on our precious 3's *should be* due-date... that something big was coming...

and then...

exactly 12 days later...

Our 'next baby' sure will have a birthday THIS YEAR.

Jesus told her heart... and this year it will be.

Our hearts will always ache for our precious #3... time will never heal that wound... and #4 will never take his or her place in our hearts...

and fear still threatens to creep in daily...

but we will forever be grateful that His mercies are new every morning...

and for the new place He has created for our newest baby-love...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

** It sounds counter-intuitive, but this was a difficult announcement to make... because I know how painful these announcements were to read not too long ago. There's still so much I don't understand... HOW do people get pregnant in the first place?! It's not as simple as having sex... I promise... we tried that for 8 years. WHY are we able to get pregnant all of a sudden? People don't get MORE fertile as they get older! Not even our doctors understand this. If you're reading this and you're who I was not too long ago, please know how much I understand. Please know how much I DON'T understand! And please stick around to help me as I work through the fear, unknowns, and learn how to do this new part of life... while still knowing how *infertile* I really still am! 

When I was pregnant...

I have so much trouble saying that out loud....

I feel like a liar when I say it...

when I write it.

And I've been putting off writing this post for.... for way too long. I'd sit down and start writing and I would allow myself to be overcome with shame... embarrassment...

because those 10 weeks don't count to some people. 

I know because they told me....

in posts supporting abortion, or articles about 'fetuses' and how they're not really babies, and in the look on their face when I mention my own short pregnancy.

Maybe I was 'only' pregnant for 10 weeks... maybe that doesn't 'count' to some people... maybe my experience was short-lived and incomplete...

but our baby?

He/she was real... living and moving inside of me ... he/she was loved and wanted and his/her life meant something to us... Meant something to our village... Our people.

So, here's our story... the one I need to write, for me... and the one I think so many need to read, for them. 

But if you're one of them... one of those people who is responsible for making me feel ashamed or embarrassed when I talk about 'when I was pregnant'... then you can just move on...

you're not welcome here... in our baby's story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was pregnant...

I wasn't 'late' yet but I knew something was different... of all the tests I've taken and of all the symptoms I've make-believed over the past 8 years and of all the days I've counted... I still knew that this one was different. I was tired.. exhausted. 

And that was it.

The kids were napping and I'll be honest, I was bored. The Sex and the City marathon was getting old... I'd already seen every episode. So I took a test. 

I texted my mom a picture... "WTF?!?!"

(Sorry.)

Her reply? "What is that?!"

Me: "I don't know! What is it?!"

Mom: "I'm the WRONG person to ask... I've been pregnant ONE TIME and we didn't even have those tests back then!"

So I texted a friend... "WTF?!?!"

(Sorry.)

And when her name popped up as an incoming call in a matter of seconds, I knew for sure...

I was pregnant.

I woke the kids up and ran to Target to get a dummy test because, well...

I'm a dummy.

Still pregnant.

I've always dreamed of how I would tell my husband that we're pregnant... sweet shirts for the kids, balloons at work, a cake, dinner made entirely of 'baby' food...

All he got was a sobbing me, covered in snot, and shaking.

(You're welcome, sweetie ;-))

When you've tried for 7 years and 'can't' get pregnant, you have no need for an OB... I've never had one. My internist confirmed my pregnancy and referred me to an OB who could see me in 6 weeks... so I called around and found one who could see me the next day.

Type A. Remember me? :-)

When I look back on those 10 weeks, what stands out to me are the dozens of gifts that God gave to us... memories and mementos of our precious #3....

My over-reaction (not an entirely new thing for me)? My insistence that I see someone NOW?

This time, it was a gift.

Joey and I were able to see our beautiful, precious, perfect #3 three times in the 'short' 10 weeks that we had with him/her. I've learned that this is more times than most people are allowed to see their baby in complete pregnancies.

The ultra-sound pictures?

Gifts. One's I will cherish for the rest of my life.

So much happened in 10 weeks... 

Everyone feels differently about when to announce a pregnancy... some wait until their first ultra-sound (which for us would have been 6 weeks), some wait until the end of their first trimester, and some wait until their gender ultrasound...

We've had so many 'secrets' to keep in the past; secrets that kept us from getting the encouragement and support and prayer that we so desperately needed when tough things came up.

So this time? This time we didn't hesitate.... we wanted the world to know about our precious #3!

The memories we have of telling Hannah about her newest baby brother or sister....

another gift.

We enjoyed every second of telling our closest friends and family... and we got every reaction in the book; dropped phones, dead silence, disbelief, even momentary anger that we would 'make something like that up'... and ultimately, dozens more people who shared in our joy and amazement at our third miracle.

The 'announcement party' we threw for some out of town family when we visited... those memories and pictures?

Gifts.

The changes in my body... both temporary and permanent... all daily reminders of the life that was inside of me... all ways in which our sweet #3 has a presence in my daily life...

Gifts.

The family photos I came so close to canceling...

 

Gifts.

Those 10 weeks passed too quickly... If I could freeze a moment in time, I would pick any day out of those precious weeks just to capture Hannah's excitement at becoming a big sister, yet again... Hunter's pure naivety... our parents' joy... my husband's eyes...

frozen.

But...

'That day' was terrible.

 We knew about a week before that something was wrong. I'd been seen a couple times that week just for our peace of mind, and each time we saw our healthy, growing baby...

Gifts.

... still, we knew something wasn't right.

I don't know what it was about the hours leading up to that moment...

in hindsight, I know God was preparing me as best he could.

My fervent prayer ....

"Heavenly Father... If our baby is gone.... if this is over... please tell me before. Somehow, someway... please. Let me know... please just let me know."

Over and over again.

Looking back, I guess I already knew... because if I hadn't, my prayer would have sounded different... more hopeful.

And it's not that my hope was gone... it just wasn't in my 'now'... In that moment.

"Choose joy", people say.

It's my least favorite line.

Sometimes, you can't choose joy. Sometimes God's silent tug at your heart trumps any chance we have to choose joy...

It was his way of answering that prayer of mine...

It was his way of preparing me. His way of telling me.

I remember walking into the ultra-sound room;

Joey's mom had come with us that morning... my mom had come to our previous appointment and we wanted his mom to see her next grand-baby, too. Joey and his mom sat down next to the table and I went into the bathroom to change into a gown. I remember locking the door and standing with my back against it...

"Lord, please. Tell me now."

And he did.

In a matter of seconds, the bleeding started and I knew...

our baby... our precious #3...

 was gone.

I dropped to the bathroom floor...

I was completely overwhelmed. I was crushed... the pain, physical and emotional, was unbearable.

 I was overwhelmed with gratitude... He did answer my prayer... He told me, just like I asked him to...

and he had given me a few precious minutes to prepare myself for what I'd soon not see on the ultra-sound screen.

Those few minutes were another gift.

I changed into the gown... not an easy task when you're bleeding...

I was terrified...

I opened the door and found Joey's eyes immediately....

my eyes told him.

I told the nurse what had happened and layed down on the table.

Joey took my hand as the nurse probed...

We had seen our #3 enough times that we knew what we were seeing as the ultra-sound progressed...

So we knew what we weren't seeing, too.

This same nurse had done our previous ultra-sounds and she had become a familiar face, a comfort to me, and I didn't want her to have to say it... So I did...

"There's no baby."

The sweet nurse and Joey's mom left us alone for a few minutes as we sat in a heap on the ultra-sound table... I remember feeling paralyzed.... broken.

I told Joey I was sorry...

it wasn't an "I messed up" or "I did something wrong" sorry...

It was an "I know your heart is broken and I want so badly to make it better" sorry.

I don't remember much else from that day... we met with the doctor, scheduled my D&E for the next morning,  drove home...

we sat down with Hannah and explained to her that our baby had gone to Heaven... that Jesus wanted him/her to be with him and that we'll be able to see him/her one day...

And that was all I could handle. I went to bed.

Joey's mom was our rock that day... my heart broke for her, too. We had wanted so badly for her to see our newest miracle. She was quiet and caring, giving us the space we needed while letting us feel comforted by her presence... and when we got home, she and Joey's sister were 'me' that night when I couldn't be... and they helped Joey be him, too. Their support stretched into the next day, too...

The next day? I talk about it here.


Our #3 is gone...

but our #3 isn't far.

The memories flood in every day... my body reminds me of those 10 weeks daily... our sweet girl misses 'our baby' weekly.

People say that the pain goes away... but it doesn't.

Joy and thankfulness can overshadow the pain but it always creeps back in. You find ways to numb it... ways to hold on tightly to the tangible... but you still ache for the intangible.

I'm still learning how to 'do' this life without our #3...

I'm learning how to slowly open my heart back up to God's plan for me... This part of his plan wasn't ok with me... and I've learned that It's ok to be angry with his plan.

I'm learning that miscarriage feels the same for every woman.... it's devastating and excruciating.

I'm learning that what comes next is not the same for every woman... the weeks and months 'after' don't bring always renewed hope for everyone...

And I'm learning how to find hope in His plan, instead of getting lost in what's missing from my 'now'.

And against everything in me that tried to avoid it, I'm learning how to deal with our infertility once again... a process that took me years... and might take me years more.

I'm learning that my pregnancy changed our infertility status in many peoples' minds... but it hasn't changed in mine.

I'm learning how to pray again... because answers to prayer that come in the form of pain and grief make future prayers more difficult to pray.


I've already learned that, Joey and I... our hearts might shatter.... but we never will.

I've learned that our precious girl is a source of strength and faith for me... an example of the purity of youth and the trusting heart of one of God's most eager learners.

I've learned that my plans are sometimes imagined... made up of the desires of my heart.

I've learned that God's plans feel concrete in the moment.... But look flexible and forgiving in hindsight.

Our due-date is close... 

In the next few weeks we will help a couple of our most precious friends ... Friend who cried with us and prayed for us so many times... We'll help them welcome their new babies... 

And that will be amazing.

And it will be hard, too.

But those babies? I love them already. They symbolize the parts of God's plan that are life-giving and life-sustaining.

And in the next few weeks, I'm going to need those reminders.

I can't wait to meet them!

And our #3....

I'll keep learning and changing and loving my precious #1 and #2 until I get to meet my #3...

And that part of God's plan, I'm ok with.

Such Bitter-Sweetness... An Announcement

We have anticipated this post for a few weeks now with so much excitement ...

but we envisioned it looking so so much different than it will tonight.

Our God has built our family through His grace, faithfulness, and many miracles.

Our precious baby girl... our 2008 overnight miracle...

Our son... our 2012 living miracle....

And 2 months ago, after 7 years of infertility and after 4 years of completely abandoning our will to His... no temping, no charting, without even considering the possibilities that doctor's could be wrong, that He could grant that one, sometimes seemingly forbidden desire of our hearts....

 our Jesus graciously (and shockingly!!) gave us another miracle...

 And then there were 5.....



We have spent the past few weeks completely and humbly grateful and amazed at what He has done! Our Jesus... the one who gave us our miracles... who has given us so many more miracles than we could have ever asked for or could ever deserve....

the one who heard our painfully loud cries 7 years ago... and gave us our daughter.

the one who heard our terrifying screams of anguish 18 months ago.... and saved our son.

the one who heard the whispers of our hearts as one tiny part still desired so badly to experience a pregnancy.... let us do just that.

For a time....

We have spent the past few weeks standing in awe at what he has done for us!

My body told me right away that I was pregnant... I stand amazed that after years and years of 'just in case' pregnancy tests and 'maybe this means I'm pregnant' symptom analyses, I was still able to recognize the 'real deal.' I am so gratedul for every ache and for every moment of nausea and for every change my body went through to make room for the precious baby growing inside of me.... I'm thankful for the two times we were able to see and hear that precious heartbeat on ultra-sound.... for the tiny baby belly that was beginning to pop (especially after a couple donuts ;-))....

but  my body also didn't handle pregnancy well.

The past 10 days have been a waiting game of the cruelest kind.... physically, emotionally, and spiritually....

But yesterday came closure when Jesus' everlasting arms took the place of our's for our sweet Baby Smith #3.

Our baby went home... too early, and not with us.

And we are broken.

Completely broken.

We chose, long ago, to share this part of our lives with whomever wants to read it... for whomever wants to join us on our family's journey to well.... just that.

Our family.

We have never regretted one second of the choice to make this part of us 'public' and we have been blessed tenfold because of it.

We have so many blanks to fill in...  my very first pregnancy test .... telling Big Sister...  introducing you to Baby Smith #3 in pictures... our cherished announcement photo shoot... and the overwhelming outpouring of love that we have and know we will continue to receive as we navigate through the next couple of days, weeks, and months . And we will. I need to if I'm going to get through this. I've missed the calm and refuge I find when I write....

We've had so many 'secrets' to keep in the past.... our adoptions were both unique, making it difficult for us to ask for support and prayer when we needed it most as each of our babies came home until it was a safe and appropriate time to share our exciting news with the world....

And I can't do 'secrets' this time.

We are heartbroken... and confused...

But we also know that, for however long Jesus let us keep our precious Baby Smith #3, that every second of that time is a miracle... and always will be.

I got pregnant. Me. The one who couldn't. I did. And without a single thought in our mind about ever getting pregnant... ever!

That's a miracle!

The past 2 months have been filled with celebration and we are looking back without one single regret.

We are trying so desperately to take refuge in Him knowing that, for the first time in every up and down we have faced over the past 7 years....

We won't be waiting for our baby anymore.... because he/she is waiting for us in Heaven.

And I take complete comfort in that simple fact alone.

Our baby is in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us... waiting for mine.

I know that so many of you understand this pain... and I'm not sure I'm even 'there' yet.

If our journey has taught us anything, it's that God will take away..... he'll take things amazing and miraculous for reasons we might not ever understand....

but He always replaces them with something even bigger.

Hannah and Hunter are proof of God's 'bigger'.

I had surgery today and we would love if you would lift us up in prayer as our hearts slowly heal, as my body heals, and as we navigate through all of this while helping our sweet girl understand it all, too. We're thankful that Hunter is so young and unaware. If you know our girl, you know she'll do better than any of us.... her faith is rock solid and I'm thankful for the example of child-like faith she has been for me just the past couple days alone.

I don't know when our #4 will come along or how.... but we are doing our very best to remember and love #3 with everything that we have left in us right now...

Tonight? We're so so sad. Confused. Conflicted. Anxious. And so many parts of us are in pain. We aren't going to be quick to forget our precious and always #3 but one day soon we know that our cup will overflow, once again.

We love you, sweet #3... Mama and Daddy are wrapped as tightly in Jesus' arms tonight as you are and there's nowhere else we'd rather be than with you tonight.

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of... life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-9