You Know You're a Mom When.....

We did a 'You Know You're a Mom When...' quite a while ago and it was so fun, not only to make my list but to read the hilarious one's you all came up with...

 

And I think it's time for another one! Be sure you leave your additions to our list in the comments either here or on Facebook and I'll add them to our list...

 

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* You haven't gone to the bathroom all day and find yourself super annoyed that someone closed the toilet seat because it's one extra step and 5 more seconds that you DON'T HAVE!

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* You make the extremely calculated decision that it is better to continue driving on 'E' because your baby is sleeping and would wake up if you stopped to get gas, rather than stop and have to deal with the after-math for the rest of the day.

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* You wish you had the time and/or energy to install a baby monitor in your shower so you could STOP opening the shower door every 10 seconds because you think you hear a baby crying.

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* A productive day consists of finally hand-washing the dish that had been through 6 dish washing cycles because it just doesn't seem like a good sacrifice of 3 minutes of your time.

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* It's taken you 6 months to sharpen your reflexes enough that you can catch spit-up or drool before it hits your shirt, no matter where it's coming from.

 

You Know You're a Mom When...

 

* A load of clothes that has only had to be washed twice before it makes it into the dryer is a huge accomplishment....

 

and when the musty smell on your clothes no longer bothers you.

 

Ok... YOUR TURN!!

 

You Know You're a Mom When....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hunter's New Ears!

Hi friends!

 

Today was a great day!

 

 

We arrived at the hospital at 5:00am with a hungry and exhausted Hunter.... keeping ANYONE from eating after midnight is rough but keeping a 10 month old from eating is nearly impossible! Still, he was in a really good mood and even managed to flirt with his admitting nurses ;-)

 

 

 

When the tube insertion was finished, Hunter's ENT came out to fill us in. He said that Hunter had what he calls 'Volcano Ears', meaning that his eardrums were overflowing with thick fluid.

 

As strange as this sounds, this was the BEST news we could have asked for!!

 

The ENT feels so strongly that this thick fluid explains Hunter's inability to sleep, poor balance, delays in his language development and probably another whole list of other things! He also compared the pressure in Hunter's head to the pressure you feel when you're ascending in an airplane.... except that Hunter could not relieve the extreme pressure by yawning or swallowing.

 

Even though we know that doing this procedure any sooner would not have given us the same answers, it's so hard knowing that he has been so uncomfortable and where it was coming from...

 

 :-(

 

Without yet knowing the results of the hearing test, and taking into account how much fluid he removed and how long it had been there, Hunter's ENT felt strongly that he would have some permanent (conductive) hearing loss.... how much, we won't know until he recovers fully from surgery.

 

The ABR (hearing screening) took about an hour after the tube insertion. When the test was over, the audiologist came out and took us to see Hunter in recovery.

 

Hunter did SO well throughout his surgery!! He maintained a stable heart rate and got through the procedure without any apneas or bradys. The anesthesia team knew our concerns about Hunter's asthma and instead of keeping him under general anesthesia the entire time, they brought him up to sedation for the ABR test... and this was a HUGE relief to us!

 

The audiologist gave us a few minutes to reconnect with our groggy boy before she debriefed us on her findings....

 

 

She explained that Hunter failed his ABR test again this morning but that it wasn't unexpected due to the extreme amount of fluid that was removed from his inner ear. Removing that much thick gunk that had been there for so long left his ears sensitive and inflamed, making the ABR results less reliable.

 

This was actually great news!

 

The audiologist was able to do a bone conduction test which they have never been able to do before because of our wiggly, active boy ;-) This test measures how sound travels directly through the bones in his ears and how well his brain is sending signals to his ears. The results of this test for both ears was excellent, meaning that his brain is sending the proper signals to the nerves in his ears!

 

Praise the Lord!!

 

Regardless of the results of this morning, we would have just been happy to find some relief for Hunter.... to come out of today knowing that he does hear and will hear even more, that his pain and discomfort will soon go away, and that he did have fluid in his ears is more than we could have asked for!

 

Our plan from here is to follow-up with Hunter's ENT next month and do another behavioral hearing test. Depending on the result of this test, we will know if we need to try a hearing aid or just give Hunter a little more time to adjust to his 'new ears'.

 

We can't thank you enough for your prayers and support! We have been inundated all day today with texts, calls, messages, emails, and comments.... to know that there are so many people who invest their time and prayers in our family means more than you know...

 

We are truly blessed!

 

And once again, God has held our precious boy in His strong, capable hands!

 

We have been told to give Hunter a few day to recover from surgery before we start analyzing any changes in his behavior or habits but I couldn't help a little analyzing this afternoon when Hunter took a THREE HOUR NAP with me! This is the longest nap he has ever taken...

 

and even if it only lasts for today, I'll take it!!

 

Going home with a sleepy boy :-)

 

 

More soon.....

Surgery on Tuesday! (+ Urgent Prayer Request)

Thank you so much for praying for Hunter over the past couple of days.... your encouragement means so much to us and has helped these few days go by a little bit faster ;-)

 

Hunter's pulmonologist said that his lungs sound great (YAY!) but his upper airways are pretty congested. She started him on Prednisone so we can be sure over the next few days that his airways stay open. If they do, and if his cold doesn't get any worse, he should be ok for surgery on Tuesday morning....

And that's our biggest prayer!

This surgery will open up a whole new world for him... whether the fluid clears up and his hearing is restored or if he needs a hearing aid; either way, it will be a big step forward for him... and for us :-)

As always, we'll keep you posted!


** Urgent prayer request;  I had never heard of Hydrops before Hunter (here and here) but we now know how dangerous and terrifying it is. I 'met' this Mama as I read through random comments on another blog and learned that the sweet baby girl she is carrying is surrounded by the same fluid.. and my heart breaks for her. She needs to carry this baby for 4 more weeks and could use the support and prayer I know you're all so faithful about! I thought it would be selfish to keep you all to myself ;-) We know better than anyone that our God performs miracles.... HUGE miracles! I believe He will do no less for Baby Brynlee, too!

We didn't have the chance to pray for Hunter on this side of his life.... before he was born. I know it wasn't by coincidence that the ONLY comment I read on that blog was Kim's comment about her baby girl. I can't get them off my mind and consider it an honor to be able to pray for Baby Brynlee on this side. Please pray for them.... for peace and comfort for Kim and her husband, that God will protect their sweet Lilianna's heart and allow her to be a big sister, that He will hold Baby Brynlee just like He has held Hunter... and specifically, that He will take this fluid away; that it won't be allowed the chance to hurt her. Pray for a miracle, friends.

I know that once you read their story, you'll become their prayer warriors, too but I will keep you posted as Kim and her husband learn more over the next few weeks. Every week that Baby Girl is allowed to grow in her Mama' belly is an answer to prayer and one more chance for her to grow stronger.... each day counts! **

And I can't end a post without a picture of our sweet babies.... our precious Valentine's ;-)

 

Aren't they just the cutest?!?!? I can't get enough :-)

 



Big Things Coming.... Pray, Please?

We have known for quite some time that Hunter has some hearing loss....

 

The dog barks, the vacuum is turned on right next to him, the blender, a certain 4 year old's yelling ;-)....

 

There are many days when we wonder if he's even deaf.

 

Any preemie faces a number of possibilities and unknowns for their future.... learning disabilities, hearing loss, blindness, other physical or developmental delays.... many of them take lots of time to show up.

 

Deafness (well, none of them, really) has never been a concern of ours.

 

Not that it was never a 'maybe'.... but if it was ever even a 'reality, it didn't matter!

 

Our baby who 'should' have had numerous heart surgeries by now, can't hear...

 

So freakin' what?!

 

:-)

 

Just the truth.

 

We find ourselves confused, at times because we know he heard and responded to noises when we first brought him home.... so we've always suspected that fluid was causing his hearing to come and go.

 

Hunter has failed his newborn hearing screening 4 times and we just recently had a lull in 'more urgent' matters so we were finally able to see an ENT....

 

This was a LONG awaited visit!

 

Hunter is developing and growing by leaps and bounds every day.... his language, sitting, crawling, walking.... all milestones we anxiously await because, one day, we were told he never would...

 

and now we know he will.

 

We don't know when or how or what will happen between here and there but we know he'll do it all!

 

Our job is to help him get there.

 

The ENT confirmed that Hunter is experiencing about a 50-60% hearing loss due to lots and lots of thick fluid in his ears....

 

which explains why he has the most terrible ... non-existent?... balance!

 

:-)

 

It also explains why he wakes up crying that high pitch, painful cry every 2 hours... why he doesn't nap... why he hates laying down but gets frustrated because what else is he supposed to do?!... why his mouth forms words perfectly but he doesn't know what sound goes with what word...

 

This was the most amazing news that the ENT could have told us!

 

50-60?!?! That's NOTHING! That means he  DOES hear 40-50% of the time!!!

 

We'll take it :-)

 

He also noticed, as we do, that Hunter takes all of his social cues from faces... if he can't see a face, he doesn't know what's going on; should he be happy? Sad? Scared? Should he feel secure and safe?  

 

If I'm holding him and talking to someone next to me, he will put his tiny hand on my face and turn it toward him.... if Mama's happy, so is he :-) He just needs a face to see!

 

I imagine this is also why he wakes so often at night.... not only does fluid hurt :-( but think about waking up, in the dark, and not being able to hear! It just breaks my heart.

 

We went in to our appointment a few weeks ago only wanting to know what we can/should be doing... where do we sign up for sign language classes? Does he need cochlear implants? Are we just over-reacting?!

 

No.... to all of it.

 

Next Tuesday Hunter will get tubes put in his ears...

 

such a routine, normal surgery.

 

But not for us.

 

Once his tubes are in place, the audiology team will do another hearing test while Hunter is still asleep to measure the air-flow in his eardrums...

 

and we will know right away if his hearing loss is temporary, meaning it will be restored with tubes, or if it's permanent. If it is permanent, the most he will ever need is a hearing aid or 2!!

 

We are counting the hours until Tuesday morning!

 

As we get closer to his surgery, we have a couple prayer requests...

 

(And I love that, even though we weren't able to ask for prayer publicly in Hunter's first few months of  life, that we can now.... I love it!)

 

 

So... if you think about it;

 

1) If you read this post, you know that Hunter has a cold... no big deal.... unless you're scheduled to be under anesthesia in 5 days :-/ Hunter's cold is worse. We have an appointment tomorrow morning with his pulmonologist to see if there's anything we can do in the next few days to open his airways and clear up this cold so he can have his surgery.

 

My worst fear is that, because of his history, surgery will be cancelled if his cough and cold are still like they are today. His airways have been sensitive enough in the past, I know they won't even try surgery unless they're clear. (Of course we don't want them to take chances, but we know that getting this fluid out of his ears will open up a whole new world of development for him! We want it so badly for him... and you know how hard it is for us to wait  ;-))

 

 

 

2) Hunter had minor surgery back in October and flew threw it ... no apneas, no breathing issues, and he handled anesthesia well....

 

But.

 

It's still anesthesia. And it still affects your breathing. And his Cardiologist has given her ok... and we're praying for his pulmonologist's ok.

 

But it's still our Hunter.

 

Above all, I am trying to remember that God holds this life in his hands... and even if I had the choice to move him to someone else's hands, I wouldn't.

 

He's in good hands.

 

Capable. Strong. Faithful. Miraculous hands.

 

So maybe our 2nd prayer request is for his Mama ;-)

 

 

 

That's it. Please pray that his cold and cough clear up and that he handles anesthesia well.

 

Uneventful-ness is our prayer :-)

 

Here's the thing about the past 10 months of our lives.... 10 of the most amazing and exciting and challenging and trying months of our lives... full of tests of faith... and promises of grace.... and peace, even among fear...

 

But every time I start to worry and start to get scared and doubt and wonder and question...

 

Something happens that shuts me up.

 

God does something every single time that I take as His way of saying, "Seriously, Lindsay?! After all of this?! Trust me. Just trust."

 

When these moments have come in the past, sometimes we've seen huge miracles and sometimes we've seen small victories.... but all of them are HUGE to us.... reasons to celebrate.

 

Well... Yesterday was no different.

 

I was worried and scared and had so many questions...

 

Has the fluid been there too long? Has the damage already been done? Will this keep him from sitting and talking and walking? We waited so long to take him in.... is this our fault?!

 

And I sat down to play with my son while his big sister was napping and this happened....

 

 

Just like that. SITTING!!! ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!

 

"Worry and fear and doubt.... I expect them. But do not for a second underestimate me. I hold this child in the palm of my hand. I am the only one capable of loving him more... yes, even more than you. So let go. And let me."

 

God said that to me yesterday.... and I got His message loud and clear ;-)

 

 

Thank you for praying, friends... thank you for loving us and for being there to celebrate these amazing, exciting, though seemingly small milestones with us. We are so thankful for you!

 

And we'll keep you posted!

 

 



Happy Graduation, Sweet Boy!

Friends, we have had SUCH a great week!!

Hunter's DocBand graduation could not have been better..... this boy's head looks amazing :-)

We took one last DocBand photo before his last set of digital images was taken...

(Ready for his pictures!)

Are you ready?!?!?

Before....

After.....



CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?!

Daddy was even able to make it to graduation and he got the very first round-headed snuggles....

Hunter received his DocBand diploma and we will proudly display this symbol of his growth and development with his Apnea certificate!

AND.... to celebrate this special day, we had a fun dinner at Outback (Hannah's favorite restaurant ;-)) with Tata (my daddy)....

And then we headed over to Build A Bear so we could make a special friend who can wear Hunter's DocBand forever...

And Sis got a special friend, too of course....



She bathed them...

And she named them.... Rapunzel Hannah Smith and DocBand Monkey Smith ;-)



YAY!!!! I DID IT!!!!

** I have a few great posts coming up..... a HUGE prayer request for a friend, a HUGE prayer request for Hunter, and another HUGE milestone to share ;-) **

Goodbye Plagiocephaly and Brachycephaly!!

Tomorrow is a BIG day for our little guy!!

Because Hunter was in the NICU for so long, and because he laid on his back for so long, and since it takes preemies a little longer to hit milestones such as sitting and rolling over, Hunter ended up having Plagiocephaly and Brachycephaly that developed over the first couple of months after he came home.

In short.... he had a flat and wide head.

;-)

When Hunter was first measured for his DocBand, we were told that he would wear it for 12-14 weeks.....

(He wasn't too thrilled about the DocBand fitting process....)

The standard DocBand is plain white and well, it felt and looked way too medical and harsh for such a handsome boy....

So I had it painted.....

MUCH better!!

(Disclaimer... Joey was not completely involved in the designing process; boys get to be all sports and dirt for their entire lives so I took the only opportunity I might ever have to claim my Mama's Boy ;-))

Hunter and his sweet friend, Jennings overlapped on their DocBand treatment! I just LOVE these sweet heads....

Hunter wears his band 23 hours a day and is supposed to get a one hour break per day so we can bathe him and clean his band.... we don't have the most tolerable patient ever so he actually wears it 24 hours a day and we clean him and his band every other or every 2 days. Gross, I know.... and even though their heads get super stinky, it's better this way... trust me ;-) 



As of tomorrow, Hunter has had his band for only 8 weeks...

And tomorrow he will GRADUATE!! 

Such a quick DocBand treatment is very telling of how quickly and how well our sweet boy is growing.... and that is the very best news out of it all ;-)

Tomorrow we will say 'goodbye' to Hunter's DocBand and will say 'HELLO!' to his perfectly round, sweet-smelling head!  

It is very difficult to snuggle with a DocBand-ed baby and I simply CANNOT WAIT to snuggle his new head....

And I'll post pics of it as soon as I can!

AND... We'll be posting one prayer request later this week.... it might seem small to everyone else, but to us it's huge... and we just know it will end with one more miracle ;-)

** We firmly believe that there is nothing we could have done to avoid Hunter's Plagiocephaly and Brachycephaly, due to ALL of the factors that played into his first months of life! BUT.... though we have always known that Tummy Time is important for infants, I'm not quite sure we ever knew exactly WHY it was so important. Now we know....

I know it's annoying when doctors emphasize something that most babies aren't too thrilled about.... but please, if you have a young baby, don't skip Tummy Time!** 



A Note to You, Funfetti, and Meatballs!

My reasons for starting and maintaining this blog are purely selfish...

 

I don't have too many 'vices' (though, Joey might think differently ;-)), and my schedule these days doesn't allow for sufficient time to exercise... But I have to do something to vent....

 

So I write.

 

Writing is such a release for me! I'm an emotional and introspective person by nature but have also learned that the best way for me to explore and understand my thoughts and feelings is to write them out.

 

When I started On Loan From Heaven, it was just for me. To be completely honest, I don't remember how people even started reading it! When I open blogger and see the hundreds of people who read each post, I'm completely overwhelmed that that many people find my thoughts good enough to take time out of their day to read!

 

I guess that means I think too much ;-)

 

I'm honored.... and completely humbled! Your comments and emails and messages mean more to me than you know! When you share your own story with me, I'm honored that you trust me with it... and I pray for each of you! When you share a status or post, we get excited that you're helping us tell the the story that God is writing for us.

 

Our family has grown exponentially through this blog.... and we are grateful for every one of you!

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

I realized the other day that I haven't posted any recipes lately and I have some super fun one's to share!!

 

We hosted our first Super Bowl party last weekend and since it fell on Joey's birthday, we had lots of reasons to celebrate and spend time with some amazing friends.... we had a blast!

 

In prepping for our party, I relied fully on Pinterest... doesn't everyone!?

 

What would I do without Pinterest?!

 

My clothes wouldn't match.

 

My haircut would be outdated.

 

Our house would be a disorganized mess (wait.... still have work to do on that one ;-)).

 

And my family would starve. For real.

 

 

I found two recipes, in particular, that people still comment on a week after the party! I thought I'd share them with you :-)

 

 

The first is Funfetti Chex-Mix. Yes... you read that right. Two of the most delicious snacks combined to make one super easy,  super addicting, and incredibly dangerous treat! Keep this in mind for ANY party.... and it would be especially fun for a class party for kids (I'm thinking Valentine's Day)!

 

Funfetti Chex-Mix

 

Ingredients:

5 Cups Rice Chex cereal

10oz. (5 squares) white chocolate coating (aka; Almond Bark)

1.5 Cups Funfetti cake mix

1/2 Cup powdered sugar

1 tsp. vegetable shortening (I had this on hand but did not use it)

 

 

Directions: 

1) Melt coating (almond bark) according to package directions (add vegetable shortening to thin, if needed... I didn't need it).

 

2) Pour the cereal into a LARGE bowl and drizzle the melted coating over the cereal. Mix gently with a large spatula.

 

3) Dump cake mix and powdered sugar onto the cereal and mix gently until all cereal is evenly coated.

 

4) Optional (but highly suggested by me ;-)): While your Funfetti Chex-Mix is still damp from the coating, sprinkle your favorite, colorful sprinkles into the mixture to add some fun color!

 

Warning.... This treat is HIGHLY addicting!!

 

 

 

CrockPot Hawaiian Meatballs

 

Ingredients:

32oz package of precooked, frozen meatballs (I used a Sam's Club size bag, tho)

13.5oz can of unsweetened pineapple chunks (save juice and set aside)

1 large green pepper, diced

1 cup brown sugar

2 Tbsp. cornstarch

2/3 cup white vinegar

2Tbsp. soy sauce

 

Directions:
Place meatballs in crock pot and top with green pepper and drained pineapple chunks. In a separate bowl, mix reserved pineapple juice, brown sugar, cornstarch, vinegar and soy sauce. Pour sauce over meatballs, pineapple and green peppers. Cook on low for 3-4 hours or until heated through.

* Serve over rice or noodles or serve straight out of CrockPot with toothpicks!*

 

 

SO YUMMY and such a big hit!

 

 



Us + Hunter = Faith. Hunter + Faith = Grace

So here we are....

 

10 months after the premature birth of our son...

 

9 months since the day we first layed eyes on him...

 

7 months since the day he finally came home...

 

and

 

2 months until his 1st birthday.

 

His 1st birthday....

 

the one that never 'should' have come.

 

 

When Joey and I walked into that NICU for the first time, layed eyes on our son for the first time, and spoke to his doctors for the first time, we were given a worst-case-scenario explanation of Hunter's future...

 

We were told that he would have developmental delays due to his prematurity...

 

We were told that there was a very large chance that he would have CP...

 

We were told that, at the very least, he would have 2 open heart surgeries by his 1st birthday...

 

That his activity would be limited for the rest of his life...

 

That his life might be short...

 

That, if he made it that far, he might not be able to go to a 'normal' school.

 

 

Those 'maybe's' and 'might's' and 'probably's'....

 

the whole list of them...

 

We were ok with them.

 

Maybe we weren't experts on CP or prematurity or heart surgeries or limiting activities of a growing boy but so what?!

 

He was ours.

 

Just like a baby who is delivered and goes home with the Mama who gave birth to him...

 

there was no argument that he was ours....

 

and so was everything that came with him.

 

 

 

Here we are, quickly approaching Hunter's 1st birthday...

 

No heart surgery and none in his future and I dare you to just TRY and limit his activity ;-)!

 

 

I think back to that day.... and to the many many days that follow...

 

I look at our son and I wonder...

 

"Was that HIM!? THAT baby. The one with all of that STUFF. The stuff that we were OK with!"

 

and then...

 

"Thank you, LORD for your grace and faithfulness.... thank you for holding him and for protecting him... and for HEALING him!"

 

but...

 

"But, Lord.... as grateful as we are.... and as we forever will be.... you didn't have to do that.... because we were ok with all of it!"

 

And in the past, so many times, I've gotten stuck right there...

 

We were ok.... and felt prepared.... and felt so much peace about the fact that this precious baby boy...

 

He was the one we had been waiting for.

 

Yes, our lives changed immediately.

 

The future we had envisioned looked ... well, we didn't know how it looked...

 

but we were over the moon.

 

He was here.

 

FINALLY.

 

And with all of that STUFF that we were ok with... that we researched and asked about...

 

 

God didn't have to heal him.

 

 

Because ....

 

 

He just didn't.

 

 

We didn't do anything to 'deserve' His grace or miracles.

 

 

These thoughts have been floating around in my mind for months...

 

 

And for months I've wondered why He chose to perform miracles in our lives...

 

I've even wondered how in the world He saw US fit to be this precious miracle's parents!

 

 

But yesterday...

 

Joey and Hannah took my car to buy a new dishwasher...

 

and my car has Hunter's carseat in it.

 

 

Hunter had been showing cold symptoms for a couple days and I was very careful to keep up with the saline and suctioning and nebulizer treatments (for asthma).

 

Joey and Hannah left and I gave Hunter a bath.... Hunter LOVES his bath!

 

But last night he was agitated.

 

He didn't want to soak and play like he normally does so I washed him quickly, wrapped him up, and took him into the living room to put his PJ's on him.

 

I laid him down, patted him dry, and stopped.

 

His breathing wasn't right. I looked at his chest and he was retracting. I dressed him and picked him up. He was starting to panic like he couldn't calm his body down enough to get those deep breaths that he knew he needed. I tried to feed him to calm him down but he couldn't breath well enough to eat. I tried his paci... same story. I walked him, sang to him, rocked him and nothing was working.

 

This same thing had happened a couple times before where it seemed like he had an anxiety attack.... his breathing gets shallow, he gets agitated, wants to cry but can't, wants to eat but can't... but I've always been able to find a way to calm him enough that he is able to stabilize his breathing.

 

The problem was that I had given him a breathing treatment only an hour earlier and, even though doctor's can do it, I'm not supposed to give him more than one treatment every 4-6 hours...

 

Albuterol can raise your heart rate and because of Hunter's history, a second treatment can only be given when he's hooked up to heart monitors.

 

I had already called Joey and knew he was on his way home but he was still 35 minutes away, which means I wouldn't be able to get him to an ER for another hour...

 

The bath, fussiness, agitation.... All I could think about was that day....

 

So I called 911.

 

"Yes, he's breathing but it's not normal. He's retracting in his chest and neck. I don't know if he's clammy... he just got out of the bath. I don't know if he's shivering because he's cold from the bath or because he's shaking. All I know is that I know this baby and I know how he breathes and he's NOT BREATHING THE RIGHT WAY and I can't get him to the ER."

 

The fire department got here first and they saw that he was retracting so they started giving him Oxygen right away....

 

Hunter was agitated and was still very aware of the *many* new faces and fought the O2 mask.

 

About 20 seconds later, he took that breath... the deep one that he needed.

 

And then he relaxed in my arms.

 

The paramedics arrived and listened to his chest and said that, while he wasn't wheezing anymore, his chest was really congested. He had a low grade fever but it was nothing note-worthy. They had no immediate concerns and felt that he just needed that extra help to get his breathing under control so he could calm down.

 

The paramedics were here for about 20 minutes. They watched him closely and as time went on he was able to suck on his paci, drink his bottle, and even make flirty eyes at his sister. We refused transport to the hospital because we already had an appt with his pediatrician for early this morning and by the time the medics left, Hunter was jumping in my lap and was laughing....

 

he was ok.

 

Me?

 

Not so much.

 

Sorry, sweet boy... that day ruined me.

 

I got in bed last night and spent some time thanking the Lord for, once again, holding our son.... his son... in His hands.

 

And, once again, I thought about the 'might's' and 'maybe's' and 'probably's'.... and I thought about how we were ok, maybe thought we were even ready, for all of them.... and I thought about how God didn't have to perform all of those miracles.... and I thought about how undeserving we are of those miracles....

 

 

and then I realized....

 

 

Of course we didn't deserve them! We didn't do anything to deserve this life or our children or even His grace and love...

 

But Hunter?

 

HE deserves those miracles.

 

Maybe we have been chosen as the vehicle by which this sweet boy will grow, and we will do everything we can to teach him everything we can about Jesus and the sacrifices He made for us... for him... and we will do everything we can to meet his physical needs as he gets older, and we'll stay CPR certified for the rest of our lives ;-), and will tell him the story of his life as many times as he will listen...

 

but God gave him life and will give him life...

 

He will bring to fruition the amazing, unbelievable, inconceivable plan that He has had for that sweet boy's life....

 

He will continue to perform miracles...

 

but not for me and Joey...

 

He'll do it for Hunter...

And for every life that Hunter's story has and will continue to touch.

 

So we will continue to do what we have done since the day we met him....

 

We will remember the day we met him every single day... because that day and the memory of who Hunter was and who he was *supposed* to be that day keeps us grounded...

 

We will remember that faith doesn't come easily.... and it doesn't come naturally... and it isnt' always easy or logical or comfortable...

 

but it's always worth it.

 

Our son?

 

He deserves our faith.

 

Our children?

 

They deserve it.

 

Your children?

 

They deserve your faith, too.

 

They deserve to know that none of us deserve God's grace but that He gives it anyway.

 

And His grace?

 

It isn't free.

 

No matter what people say!

 

Because without faith, there is no grace...

 

And without grace.... there would be no Hunter.

 

So for me, tonight...

 

My son personifies grace....

 

And I will continue to have faith in the plan that God has for his life....

 

even when I'm panicked... and it's hard to breathe...

Us + Hunter = Faith

Hunter + Faith = Grace

Insert your children's names .... it works for them, too ;-)


 

I Wasn't There....

I wasn't there....

When my babies were born.

 

When they took their first breath.

 

I don't know if they cried.

 

I wasn't the first person to hold them...

 

or smell them...

 

or feed them...

 

or change their diaper...

 

or...

 

I wasn't there.

 

 It's one more part of adoption that I've always been ok with..... but now?

I can't shake it.
 

Hannah's birth-mom was so generous to us... we have ultra-sound photos, pictures of Hannah's birth, photos from her first couple weeks of life, and we were even able to order pictures that the hospital photographer took of Hannah in her first hours after birth.

 

Her First Mom... she didn't have to do that. She had every right to keep those special moments to herself.... and we never would have blamed her if she had.

 

But she didn't.

 

Hunter's birth was so different.... it was rushed and unplanned and scary. The first hands who held him were his doctors as they helped him fight for life. His first moments after he was born were panicked.

 

Still.... I don't know if he cried. I have only a couple pictures of him after he was born and those pictures are blurry (horrifying, too).... it's obvious through those photos that his first moments were an emergency.

But still.... I wasn't there.

 

In our 6 weeks at our first NICU, I met the nurses and doctors who were present at Hunter's birth.  Even though his First Mama hasn't brought it up (I'm sure it's still too painful) each doctor and nurse offered many many times to tell us the story of Hunter's birth. In the days and weeks that we were there, I was just never ready.

I knew it was scary and horrible.... but I wanted to the start of our family of 4 to start when we met our sweet boy. He was sick enough when we met... how could I possibly make it through those weeks knowing how much more awful his start to life was?

So when they asked if I had questions or wanted to know details of his birth... I said no.

In hind sight... I know I did what was best. The amazing thing is that I have access to those doctors and nurses and I know that we can ask our questions at any time...

and we will.

But ...

I wasn't there.

No story or photo or memory can replace the story and photos and memories that would have been made if we had been there.

I have never taken issue with this aspect of adoption.... it's never mattered to me.

Our children's First Parents deserve those memories.... had we the chance for a 'pre-birth' relationship (as many do!), things may have ended differently.

My mom and dad...

They were there when my brothers were born... and obviously when I was born, too ;-)

But just like I'm Still Infertile.... there's still a part of me, of a woman, that wants so badly to witness those first moments of life. The first glance. The first cry. The foot and hand prints. The weight and height. The first feeding.

And lately... it's become very obvious to me that I may never have the chance to witness those moments.

I don't know where this is coming from!
It could be that Hunter's birth wasn't 'normal', like Hannah's was. There's so much more mystery in his first moments of life.

It would be that I have many pregnant friends right now... like, a lot of them! They're attending birthing classes and preparing themselves for moments that I will never be able to prepare for.

And if that's what it is, I don't think it's jealousy....

I think it's one more part of adoption that a woman, a mama, has to grieve at some point or another.

I have grieved over my infertility.

I have grieved the experiences of feeling my baby move inside of me, or nursing him or her.

And now...

I'm grieving again.

I wasn't there.

And that's a hard reality for me right now.

And while I KNOW that I am entitled to grieve....

I also ask myself...

Do you want to experience those moments so badly that you would change the moments you HAVE been able to experience?

For both of my kids... they're first bath.

Their first baby noises and words.

They're first full night of sleep!

They're first foods.

They're first steps.

They're first .... everything from this moment on.


I get those.


So.... no.

I wouldn't change a single moment.

I will wonder... and one day, I will ask Jesus to tell me the story of my babies.

And I will travel, once again, through the grieving process that is one of many that come with infertility and adoption.

And maybe one day I will ask the questions I have to the one's who can answer them....

but for now, those moments are their's...

And I have mine....

And I wouldn't change a thing.

 

 



Miracle #4; Part II

If you're new to Hunter's story, you can head over here to catch up! Remember that in order to read from the beginning to end, you need to scroll all the way down to the very last post... which is actually the first ;-)

 

 

My husband is pretty incredible, is he not?! His post on Audacious Faith and the beginning of Miracle #4 exemplifies who he is as a Husband, Daddy, and man... his faith is audacious. His patience is unending. His presence is calming... and I have no idea how Hannah, Hunter, and I got so lucky! He is a man after God's own heart.

 

I also can't tell you how much his support means to me... he supports me as a mom every day and makes so many sacrifices so I can be home with our kids.... but he also supports ME; who I am. He knows how much this blog means to me.... and how difficult it is at times, too. He encourages me... and he challenges me to be better... to stretch and grow. I don't know where I would be without that man... and the fact that he wrote such an amazing post for my blog is the best gift he has ever given me!

 

If you missed Part I of Miracle #4, head over and read Joey's post here.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Having a baby in the NICU is not easy. In our 6 weeks living away from home, I struggled to balance my time with Hunter and my emotional investment in him and his medical needs with a life that needed to remain somewhat 'normal' for Hannah. Joey did his best to visit when he could... but I got a real taste of what a single mom might go through on a daily basis.

 

We knew we were close. Hunter had hit all of the milestones he needed to in order to be discharged; he was gaining consistent weight, maintaining his body temps, recovering from his apnea's on his own (we were already prepared to take him home on an Apnea monitor so there was 'some' leniency), and he was getting better by the day with drinking his bottles.

 

While no one had specifically told us that Hunter was nearing discharge, the past week had been full of more blood work, follow-up ultra-sounds, and evals than normal... all indicators that discharge was upon us. I had done my best to be at the hospital for EVERY test, every scan, every specialist visit, and for the on-going arrival of test results. His doctors were doing everything they could so that we could take Hunter home and have a seamless transition with up-to-date records for his new team of specialists.

 

(I was told last week at an office visit that Hunter's records are currently over 1,400 pages long, if that tells you anything about the time it took to get current stats and info on our boy ;-))

 

We had been told that discharge usually only comes with a day or two notice and sure enough, one Friday night, the doctor discussed his plans to discharge us Saturday afternoon. Joey was already planning on driving up after work that night so I called our moms and we made plans for the next day....

 

As he mentioned, Joey slept in on Saturday morning. He hadn't arrived until 2am so I was more than happy to let him sleep..... and I snuck over to the NICU to spend a few quiet minutes with our baby-boy before the doctors did their rounds and more tests began.

 

I scrubbed in and walked down the loooooong hall to Hunter's room. I said good morning to every nurse.... friends. I remember feeling so conflicted.... I wanted more than anything to go home.... but this place had become such a huge part of me that it was difficult to imagine being anywhere else.

 

Plus, those nurses and doctors... they were Hunter's family before we met him. They were the first voices he heard, the hands that saved him, the ones who prayed for God to save his life, and the hearts that grew to love that tiny orphan.

 

They were part of his first family.

 

I walked into Hunter's room and headed over to pick him up. I was about 2 steps away from his crib when I heard hurried footsteps behind me. I turned around and was face to face with his pediatrician. I knew the NICU schedule well....Rounds wouldn't begin for another 2 hours and your chance of seeing ANY doctor before Rounds was nill.... unless something was wrong.

 

He asked me to sit down.

 

I was already sweating and was doing my best not to give in to the panic I felt in my chest.... it was the kind you can taste; sheer panic.

I left Hunter in his crib and took a seat.... I knew he would be safer out of my arms this time.

 

Doctor P proceeded to tell me that some of Hunter's discharge tests had come back and they had found a few things that they hadn't seen before in his results. He said that he had spent the whole night researching and talking to specialists to determine what his results could possibly mean.

He meant it. He looked like he had been up all night.

 

"I don't have good news. I wish I did. But I don't. I don't quite know how to say this and I really wish your husband was here with you but I have to tell you....Hunter will have a very short life. I will stick to my plan to discharge him today but have called a meeting in about 2 hours with you, your husband, and some of Hunter's doctors. We can tell you more at that time but I wanted you to have a heads up. I wanted to tell you myself."

 

I texted Joey... "You need to get over here. Now. Please hurry."

 

He told me what he could about Hunter's tests. He had only had 4 patients in his entire career who had a similar diagnosis. I had to ask...

 

"How long did they live?"

 

... "None of them made it home."

 

He said more but my head was in my hands.

 

Looking back, I realize how difficult it must be to have to tell a parent that their child will soon die. I don't envy him. I can't imagine how HE must have felt and how uncomfortable it must have been for him.

 

He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

 

"I'm so sorry. Do you have any questions? I'll do my best to answer them now, if you do but I'll be honest... I don't have all the answers. I actually have very few... we just don't know much about this yet."

 

I looked up at him... and asked the hardest question I've ever asked someone....

 

"How long?"

 

"We can talk about that more at our meeting this morning. Can I call someone for you? Will someone be able to sit with you?"

 

And Joey walked in.... out of breath.... panicked.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Let's go back to the day we met Hunter.... Joey held him, looked at me, I asked him the question with my eyes... "Is he ours?!"... and he nodded.

 

This time, he looked at me with the question in HIS eyes... is he going to be ok?

 

I shook my head.

 

No.

 

Dr. P tried to summarize all that he had told me a few minutes before.

 

I couldn't hear it again. I walked out of Hunter's room and ran down the loooong hallway I had leisurely strolled only moments before.... past the many 'pods' that Hunter had lived in, and past the nurses who had become my friends and family.

 

I called my mom. She was due to arrive later that night and she answered right away...

 

My mom is my best friend. She always knows what to say... always. She has NEVER been without words when I've been in crisis. She's calm and level-headed and always has the perfect Scripture as a reminder for me of God's goodness and grace.

 

Not this time.

 

We sobbed together. I could tell she was trying to contain her emotion so she could help me off my cliff but hearing her cry only helped me. Joey and I would find each other when we were both able to grieve with and for each other but for now, I needed to know that I wasn't alone.

 

"Do you want me to tell Daddy or do you?"

 

"You."

 

I walked back in to the NICU, carefully avoiding eye contact with the nurses and staff who had come to know me so well...

 

When I walked in to Hunter's room, a team of specialists had already gathered around Hunter's crib and had begun their portion of his discharge.

 

No one said anything when I walked in but they moved aside and let me pick him up. I sat down and cried. And they let me. When I was done I placed him back in his crib and watched from the side as his doctors continued their paperwork and assessments.

 

Joey walked in.

 

His shirt was wet and his face was red.

 

He hugged me.

 

We walked out into the hall and met Dr. P again. It was time for our meeting.

It was time for us to find out how long we had left with our new baby.

 

Time moved so quickly. Hunter's results were further explained to us and we tried our best to understand so many terms and phrases that were foreign to us. We both took notes. 2 of the staff who were in the room with us were ladies that I will always consider friends. Neither of them said a word and none of us made eye contact. I knew they were hurting, too.

 

We were told what to look for over the next few days, weeks, and/or months... changes in eating and sleeping habits, weight loss or gain, fussiness, mood changes, and so much more. Joey had already made a plan to have Hunter flown home that afternoon and his transport team was on their way. We made a plan and contacted the team that would greet Hunter at his new NICU. His records were sent over via Internet and a paper copy of them was sent with Hunter on his jet.

 

Joey and I left the meeting and got on the Internet from our phones so we could begin the process of translating all that we had written down.

That was a mistake. "Googling" always seems to be a mistake. 
 

Within hours, our moms arrived, Hunter was discharged into the care of his transport team, he met his big sister for the very first time, and was on his way home.

 

Finally.

 

We had envisioned this day for weeks.... it was supposed to be happy and joyful and the start of something new!

 

But all we were was tired and scared.

 

We packed up and started the drive home with Hannah and our moms.

 

Our new house wasn't ready to move in to yet so we went to my aunts house, had dinner, and around 8pm Joey and I headed over to the hospital to see our baby. Hunter had arrived around 2 and I had received hourly phone calls from his nurses who only wanted to update us and tell us how sweet our boy was....

 

but we already knew that ;-)

 

We met Hunter's admitting pediatrician and were told what to expect in the next couple days at the new NICU. They had his massive records but had much better technology and wanted to re-do some of his previous tests in order to get more accurate information. They scheduled most of his testing for that night or the next morning and we were told that we would be kept up to date as results came in.

 

We took our grandparents and my aunt to the hospital the next morning so they could each take their first peek at the baby boy they had been praying for for so long.

 

My mom and I went in first...

 

I described our time in the NICU here....

 

but I left out Miracle #4.

 

Hunter's doctor had already blown us away with his news about Hunter's heart and our next big question had to do with his life expectancy in regards to this new diagnosis.

 

"We know what to look for but we want to hear it from you and your team. Will you repeat tests? Is there anything we can do to slow this down? How long will be we able to have him at home? WHEN can we take him home? How will we know when we need to bring him back here....how will we know when his time is ending?"

 

Questions no parent ever wants to have to ask.... and my heart breaks for every parent who has ever had to or ever will.

 

"That's another thing we need to talk about. I went over all of the test results with my team and re-did some of them this morning. We can see where his doctors might have thought that A,B, and C equalled their diagnosis .... but we all disagree. We'll do more testing so we can be absolutely sure but.... your baby was a preemie. Because of that, he's not normal... his anatomy and chemistry isn't normal because he shouldn't even be born yet. We can't compare Hunter to what's 'normal' because we have so much more to take into account....

 

On paper, Hunter is a mess. I spent 2 hours pouring over his charts before he arrived and I met the transport team as soon as they got here....I expected to see a very different baby; a sick baby. What I see is a healthy, but tiny baby who has some growing and healing to do but is otherwise doing very well.

 

Hunter is not going to die soon. He is a miracle, if I've ever seen one and he has a long life to live."

And we broke.... with relief and joy but also confusion... so I asked the Doctor...

"How do you explain this?! How did all of this happen?!"

And he said...


"Sometimes we... us doctors... we don't have all the answers. Sometimes... not often... but sometimes God just does this."

In that one day we had grieved the loss of our son and had celebrated the miracle of his life.... again.

It felt as if those few weeks of our lives were on repeat.... we relived those similar moments over and over and over again.

I look back now and wonder how we trusted anyone.

I wonder how we lived through those moments of sheer terror.

How we survived what seemed like an eternity of bad news.

And then I remember ...


we didn't.


We didn't trust anyone and we didn't live through it and we didn't survive.


God did.


Six weeks earlier, as we stared into the too-old, too-wise eyes of our precious new baby boy, God asked us to trust HIM....

With our future. With our family. With our lives.

And we did.

Not because it was comfortable or because we were prepared...

but because He asked us to.


Our son.... our 2 pound, 13 ounce miracle... was here to stay. For as long as God lets us have him.... he is our's...

He is On Loan From Heaven.... and he's our's for just a while.... for just a long while :-)