I have been following Jill over at The Happiest Sad for months now. She's an incredible writer, she's profound, she's hilarious, she's strong in her faith... and she's a birthmom; a First Mom. Jill is a birthmom that any child (namely, Roo) will be honored to have as her First Mom. She's also a woman that any adoptive mom would be honored to have as her child's First Mom.
I'm honored just to know her.
For months (and without knowing it), Jill has offered me many many priceless insights into the heart, soul, and mind of a birthmom. She fearlessly and selflessly puts herself out there and speaks directly to the hearts of not only other birthmoms, but adoptive parents and hopefuls, too.
I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about birthmoms and the painful plan that has been chosen for their lives. I'm a mom now (thanks to a woman like Jill) and my process as an adoptive mom wasn't flowers and puppies, either but I think I see their sacrifice in a completely different light than I used to. I'm on the other side but I want so badly to understand, at any level I possibly can, the heart and mind of a birthmom. Jill's helping me with that.
Jill's most recent post touched me. Out of the 10 times I've read it, I've cried 8 times, laughed hysterically once (don't ask), and the third time I just knew that I wanted all of you, my blog friends, to experience her words, too. I don't know that I can preface this post and do it justice so please read, please absorb, and please applaud Jill for her honesty and incredible heart and faith....
Did you know that Glenn Beck's son was adopted? Maybe you did. It's probably one of those things that people who know a lot about adoption already knew. But I'm a little slow, and I only just discovered that the other day when I read birth mom Brit's blog. Her post included a fantastic quote from Glenn's address at the 2007 FSA National Conference. You can read both Glenn's and wife Tania's remarks at the American Fork FSA blog. I read them, and while I very much liked the entire text, one thing in particular jumped out at me from the end of Glenn's talk:
I know with everything in me that our children selected us in the premortal existence. I know that we stood around and we were honored when that soul looked at us and said, “I want you as my dad, and I want you as my mom. Somehow or another we’ll find each other.” It’s not just getting any child. It’s sometimes waiting for that soul who is trying desperately to fulfill their side of the bargain and to fulfill what you guys set out to do in the first place and to be reunited with his family for time and all eternity.
Isn't that beautiful? I believe it. I absolutely do, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. My little Roo, this tiny girl I love so very much, wasn't supposed to be my daughter. She was meant to grow in my belly, but she was meant to be with P and M. I know it. She knew it, too. When she met P and M for the first time, it was as if she already knew them. I believe that she did. She knew who was holding her. She knew they already loved her.
As impossibly hard as placement was, I have never doubted for a second that Roo is in the right place, in the right family. I am so grateful that I was led to P and M, because how sad would it be if Roo wasn't their daughter? Last Friday was the first time that I looked in the mirror and saw maybe a little of what people mean when they say that Roo looks like me. It surprised me - it always surprises me to see any of myself in Roo, because she is a [P and M's last name] through and through. She is perfectly suited to their family. She is their daughter. She's exactly what and who I would expect a child of theirs to be. I love it!
I don't think that I could have said so a year ago. Not because it was any less true, but because for a while I clung to the belief that being this happy with where Roo is was some sort of betrayal of my affection for her. I felt like if I willingly, even happily acknowledged that she was where God meant for her to be, it must mean that I loved her less. Lies! Believe me when I say that I would bleed for that little girl in half a heartbeat. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for her. I love her every bit as much as I ever have, with everything I have in me. She has my heart, and she always will.
There are those who say that the idea of adoption being "meant to be" is a crock, that this is all happenstance, people trying to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe it is for some people. I can't speak for anyone but myself. But it's not that way for me. I believe with everything I have in me that my Father in Heaven meant for Roo to grow in my belly but grow up with P and M. I believe that He has a hand in each of our lives, and that He loves us so much more than we can ever begin to understand.
I don't have words to say how grateful I am to be Roo's birth mother. Just by being born, she helped me get to where I needed to be. I'm glad I could return the favor.
~ Thank you, Jill for allowing me to share your perfect words. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your testimony is touching so many lives, as is sweet Roo's and I am honored to know you and call you 'friend'.
