Signs are to the eyes what words are to the ears...

If you're a follower of our Facebook page, this might be redundant.... bear with me while I catch up a little ;-)

Obviously, so much was going on when Hunter was born that some 'typical' tests and protocol just weren't priority until he stabilized. Apgar scores were recorded so this includes things like foot and hand prints, hearing and vision testing, etc.

Our decision to have Hunter flown to the NICU closer to our 'new' home was made quickly and the Medi-Jet arrived in record time so discharge tests and exams all happened very quickly! In a matter of about an hour Hunter had Heart, Liver, and Kidney ultra-sounds, vision screening, tons of blood work, hearing screening, PT evals, and probably a whole lot more that I don't remember.

I do remember his hearing screening and I remember that he failed.

This didn't mean that he couldn't hear but it did mean that we would need to follow up when we got home with an audiologist.

Our new NICU repeated almost every test that was done previously because they had newer and more cutting-edge technology... and they just wanted to create their own 'vision' of who Hunter was. They repeated his newborn hearing screening and he failed again.

One of the DOZENS of post-NICU appointments that was made for us was with an Audiologist who would conduct another ABR... a test that would measure Auditory Brain stem Response... or, how Hunter's brain responds to sounds; how do the bones vibrate... or do they?! How does the sound travel through his inner ear... or does it?!

He failed again.

This time, it was very clear that Hunter was 'failing' his hearing screens because there was the detection of fluid in his inner ear.... if fluid is in your ear, the bones won't conduct sound.

So we headed to the ENT to discuss if tubes were a logical next step in learning more about Hunter's hearing.

And we all know how that went.... we got TUBES!

The ABR was repeated a 4th time while Hunter was still sedated after surgery.... and he failed again.

Are we frustrated yet?! Ugh.

Hunter's ears were very full of fluid and they drained for WEEKS after his tubes were placed!

We saw the Audiologist again about 3 weeks after his tube surgery and Hunter was finally old enough to have a Behavioral Test vs. another ABA...

** An ABA is only successful if the baby is sleeping or completely still throughout the testing; Hunter never sleeps, period so these were VERY hard tests!

** A Behavioral Test is done in a booth ... various sounds are presented to the infant and the Audiologist records the infant's responses to each sound. This gives the Audiologist a detailed record of what sounds, at what pitches and frequencies the infant is hearing.

Here's the thing...

We have known since we brought Hunter home from the hospital in May 2012 that he doesn't respond to voices and daily noise like Hannah did at his age. He has never turned to look when Mommy or Daddy walk into the room.... he doesn't jump or wake up when the dog barks... he doesn't startle in his sleep...

Knowing that your baby doesn't hear your voice is hard.... and scary.

Hunter takes his social cues from faces.... if he can't see your face (ex. at night, in the car, etc), he panics. You can see in his eyes... "Is everything ok?" "Is Mommy happy or sad?!" "Should I be happy or sad?"

And when one of us has a bad day... so does he.

If you're holding him and he can't see your face, he'll make you look at him.... by touching your cheek, turning your head, or even hitting you... he'll do whatever he can to see your eyes because when he can't, he is insecure.

Sitting in a booth, facing a wall, and knowing that you're expected to respond to something... but you can't hear or see anything... is terrifying to a baby...

to Hunter.

Behavioral tests are stressful for him... they always give accurate information... but they're tough.

It's tough on Mommy, too.

Yesterday was our last behavioral test with a new Audiologist.... She had reviewed Hunter's file and precious test results and when she walked in the room, she didn't introduce herself, she didn't shake my hand, she didn't smile...

"Why doesn't this baby have hearing aids?!?!"

Thank you, Lord.

We have never asked anyone to pray that Hunter's hearing would be restored or that he would pass any of these hearing tests.... we've only been praying for hearing aids!

OUR BABY NEEDS TO HEAR OUR VOICES!!!!

When you can't hear, you can't talk... and he's not talking.

When you can't hear, you can't respond to your environment...

When you can't hear, your own noise level is awkward... and loud.

Hunter needs one more ABR under sedation in order to get accurate frequencies of sound for his hearing aids... this ABR is scheduled for late May (I'm praying for a cancellation before then!!) and, if insurance authorizations and the hearing aid mold process all go as planned...

We'll leave that last ABR with hearing aids.

Our baby will hear.

He'll know what I sound like when I sing to him... he'll get excited when Daddy comes home from work and calls his name... he'll be able to 'talk' on the phone with our family who doesn't live here... he'll recognize Jesus Loves Me and will find comfort in lullabies played in his room...

In the mean time, our job is to learn sign language.

As excited as we are that Hunter will finally hear, we also understand that words and noises will have no meaning to him...

we have to teach him!

Our plan is to learn 5 signs as a family each week.... incorporate them in our daily lives, live and breath them.

We didn't waste any time connecting with our state's Deaf and Hard of Hearing Department and ordering whatever books and DVDs we could find!

Here's a very rough look into what Hunter does and doesn't hear...

He can hear most of what is below the red line but at a much much lower pitch than you or I do.... he cannot hear what is above the red line; namely, voices. (PS... Technology today AMAZES me!)

It's so exciting and comforting to know what he can and cannot hear.... it keeps us grounded and patient. We're excited to know how we can communicate with him now.... and love knowing that, SOON, he will be able to hear us!

Anxiety is there, yes.

But today, this happened....

Today was my first day at my new gym ... It is not a coincidence that the director of the kids program is profoundly deaf. I walked in to pick up my kids and he was sitting on the floor with Hannah and Hunter, teaching them sign language. I will never forget that sight as long as I live and can't even find words to describe what it did for my heart.

I am so thankful that God continues to intentionally place people in our lives who encourage, support, and teach us every day! He is so so good (if I haven't mentioned it before ;-))!

Hannah and I picked our first 5 signs last night....

 Signs are to the eyes what words are to the ears....


Hannah's signs to my eyes are what God's signs are to my heart.


God showed me a sign today... in the form of a man who ministered to my children.


And if that's what happens when I go to the gym, watch out! This Mama's gonna get ripped! HA!

A Mom's Personal Ad; Wanted....

Wanted:

Not just a babysitter.

Not family. Not a friend.

Not a body to keep my couch warm.

Wanted:

Someone to fall in love with my kids...  no one can possible love them as much as I do... someone who's goal is to come close.

Wanted:

Someone who is seeking to invest in the lives of my children.... in the next generation.... quite possibly the generation of her own children.

Wanted:

A playmate. Someone who, in a short couple of hours, can take my daily job to the next level... who can encourage imagination, someone who's goal is to have exhausted, sleepy, mentally and physically exhausted babies to put to bed at 8pm.

Wanted:

A photographer. Someone who appreciates that the time I spend away from my kids is a double-edged sword.... that time is precious and necessary for my own health but it's also the only time (quite possibly in a LONG time) that I have been split in two. They and their Daddy are my other half.... even if their Daddy is away with me, I'm missing a quarter of my life that completes me. Someone who will 'work' as hard as she can to be 'me' in my place.... and will send me a picture or two while I'm gone so they can still be with me, even though we're apart.

Wanted:

Their first love. I remember my childhood babysitter with the absolute best memories.... Heather. We went on bike rides, fed the cows around the corner, painted, played hide and seek, read books, made up our own stories, and when she put me to bed, I couldn't wait until the next time Mom and Dad went out! Someone who will 'work' to win my kids' hearts.... so when she puts them to bed, she takes the smallest piece of them with her... until next time. Someone who, when a week too much has passed, will gently remind me that she loves my kids and wants to see them soon ;-)

Wanted:

A 'soul' mate. Someone who will spend time understanding and dissecting their inner-most beings.... who can recognize their quirkiness and embrace their insecurities. Someone who can teach them and guide them in their walk with the Lord.... and their walk in life.

Wanted:

My confidante. Someone who can find a balance between being their trusted friend.... and being mine, when it comes to them.

Wanted:

A human. Someone who doesn't strive to be perfect but who's priority is to be the best she can be for them, in the short time they're hers. Someone who admits short-comings and doesn't try to hide behind the check at the end of the night. Someone who isn't afraid to call or text me if she has a question... big or small! Someone who understands that asking me a question is good for my heart when I'm away ;-)

Wanted:

A good listener. I know my kids better than anyone.... and my full-time job revolves around the routine and schedule that, the outcome of MANY trials and errors, works the absolute BEST for my kids. Someone who will tune in 100% to my (sometimes lengthy, often-times redundant, and sticky-note involving) list of expectations. None of them are obsurd... all of them are crucial.

Wanted:

A nurse-minded individual. My kids are precious and fun and lovable... but their medical history HAS to be known by any and everyone who cares for them in my absence. This even includes their Daddy! Their medical history will always be displayed in an easy-to-find place... their medications, schedules, important numbers, etc. Tune in. Make a mental note of where the CPR instructions are posted (on the fridge ;-)) and understand that being with my kids does not increase the chance of you needing to follow those instructions.... but that, in order for me to trust you with their lives... I need to feel confident that you at least know where they are posted. This is a routine I follow every single morning... and I'm the mom!

Wanted:

A quasi-therapist. Someone who can understand and appreciate that no one loves these two children more than I do. No one is more invested in their lives, health, hearts, and future. Someone who will humor me and nod with understanding at my lengthy and repetitive explanations.... even if they make fun of me for it later :-)

Wanted:

Light housekeeper, nutritionist, and pet lover . The house is at least as clean after bedtime as it was when you got here (that's an easy one!).... dessert is a treat but snacks are healthy.... the dog has a chance to pee.

Wanted:

Me. Another me.

I've mentioned before that trusting people with my children is, hands-down, the hardest part of parenting for me. I don't take my job lightly.... I take it so seriously that, often-times, I make myself sick.

Becoming a Mom has challenged and tested my trust in the Lord exponentially.

I have felt so incredibly convicted lately.... I can't seem to shake the Lord's voice; He's telling me that I need to let go. I need to trust that the people He brings into my children's lives will be good for them.... that I'm actually depriving my kids by denying them the opportunities to know and trust other people who love them...

And I'm denying those people the opportunity to know and love two of the most amazing miracles they'll ever know.

That's a hard reality to face.

Don't get me wrong... I've trusted other's with my kids. Joey Mom, my Mom and Dad, my brother and his wife, and a couple babysitters who I (and Hannah) have loved! We've moved a lot in the past couple of years.... and family lives hours away and babysitters are now off at college.

But let me tell you something..... leaving Hannah with a babysitter was one of the hardest things I've ever done... but I did it and it was a step that was healthy for all of us; me, Joey, and Hannah.

Even thinking about leaving Hunter is another story entirely!

I won't find another me...

But I have to start trusting that someone else can be a wonderful variation of me in the lives of my kids when I take a few minutes for the real 'me'.

Wanted:

One kid-crazy, Jesus-loving, psycho-Mom-accepting individual to invest herself 100% in the lives of my children a few hours a week so their lives can be richer and their Mama's can be calmer. That Mama? You'll love her.... eventually ;-) Her kids? You'll love them immediately!



Expectations

What is an expectation?

 

It's a bullet to the forehead.

 

It's not even a bulls eye because a bulls eye offers the opportunity for something different.

 

An expectation is an end all and be all.

 

It's a bullet to the forehead.

 

And we do it every day....

 

to our kids, our spouse, our parents, our friends....

 

We shoot 'em in the forehead with what we 'think' they should do or be or say.

 

But what happens when your child grows up and doesn't choose to go to college.... like you had planned?

 

What happens when he or she chooses to adopt when they could have biological kids.... like you had always imagined?

 

What happens when your adult child tells you that he/she is gay... like he/she does in your worst nightmare?

 

What happens when your precious child tells you that he/she is going to have a child and he/she isn't married.... like in your other worst nightmare?

 

What happens when that precious child of yours tells you that he/she is having a baby and will place that baby for adoption.... like you've never imagined.

 

What happens then?

 

What do you say? What do you do?

 

First, you freak out. Panic.

 

In every situation, you have an expectation... your own plan. Our expectations give birth to disappointment.... and one day, we'll all realize that...

 

Our plan doesn't matter.

 

The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.

Proverbs 10:28

 

Plain and simple.

 

YOUR. PLAN. DOESN'T. MATTER.

 

I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

 

No one wants to hear it... and almost every one of us will fight it.

 

But every one of us, at one time or another, having to do with their child or a job or a spouse or something else, will be faced with the brutal, sometimes painful reality that...

 

Their opinion... their expectation.... doesn't matter.

 

That opinion or expectation doesn't change what is...

 

But sadly, it always changes our view of 'who' it involves.

 

That, is disappointment. The one word every child, every spouse, every employee is terrified to hear.

 

But here's the other reality...

 

It doesn't.

 

That sweet, beautiful, perfect baby boy.... that precious, gorgeous, smart baby girl.... is the same then as he/she is now...

 

except we change them with our expectations.

 

Our expectations change people in our mind and in our hearts.

 

And that's not ok.

 

Expectations kill....

 

they kill people's spirits and dreams and self-esteem.

 

Who wants to carry that weight on their shoulders?

 

Who wants to be responsible for that?

 

Expectations kill.... they kill as much as drugs or alcohol or bullets.

 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

But maybe our expectations really only hurt us. How much more could we be and do and see and love if we could somehow turn our expectations into unconditional love.... For the person and not for anything else.....

 

 

"I'm so sorry but you'll never be able to get pregnant."

No one has ever said that to me.

 

Ever.

 

And if they had, I'm not sure how I would handle it...

 

In the movies there's always a dramatic scene where the doctor is behind his desk and the husband and wife are on the other side holding hands when the doctor brings to life that couple's biggest fear...

 

they can't get pregnant.

 

Obviously, a couple sitting in those chairs, hearing those words, wants to be pregnant... they want to grow their family, and

 

growing your family = getting pregnant

 

To most people.

 

And in that moment, no matter your views on adoption or foster parenting or surrogacy...

 

In that moment, I imagine that pregnancy does feel like the only option....

 

So hearing those words...

 

"I'm sorry but you'll never be able to get pregnant"

 

probably feels like a bullet to the heart.

 

That dramatic scene might happen once in a while but I also imagine that there's a build up to that moment...

 

trying to get pregnant, dreading the 'one year' mark, charting, bulk pregnancy tests, doctors, blood work, counting the days, more blood work, more negative tests, large bills, more blood work, shots...

 

You get the point.

 

I imagine that when you go through all of those hoops and hit one negative after another, that moment is somewhat expected.

 

And even though it's expected, it's never something you're prepared for.

 

Of course, I'm only imagining....

 

Because we've done all of the testing and blood work and charting and negative tests and doctors and shots and meds and more blood work....

 

But we've never lived that moment.

 

No one has to tell us that we can't get pregnant...

 

because here we are, 7 years later, and we've never been pregnant.

 

So we assume....

 

but we don't know.

 

So what's easier?!

 

Living your life in a .... (dot dot dot)

 

or

 

Living that moment

 

???

 

I don't have an answer but I've imagined that moment many times...

 

and many times over the past 7 years...

 

I've longed for that moment.

 

I've longed for a (period) to replace my (dot dot dot).

 

Because I would change the path that has been chosen for our family?!

 

Never.

 

Because one day we will re-visit the doctors and tests and blood work?!

 

Over my dead body.

 

Because I still want to be pregnant?!

 

No.

 

I've never lived that moment....

 

But every single month...

 

I imagine that moment as I live our (dot dot dot).

 

Not because I would ever change our family and not because I want to enter the world of infertility again and not because I want to be pregnant...

 

But because living in the (dot dot dot) is sometimes terrifying.

 

For a few days out of every month, our (dot dot dot) terrifies me.

 

We don't time or chart or test anymore but when people ask the inevitable...

 

Will you have more kids?

 

How do you answer that?!

 

I've tried them all...

 

"Joey wants 2 and I want 3+ so we'll see..."

 

"If the Lord opens the door for us to adopt again, we would be thrilled!"

 

"We still don't know why we haven't gotten pregnant so that's still a possibility."

 

That last one?

 

Terrifying.

 

I know adoption.

 

I'm comfortable with adoption.

 

I live adoption.

 

Adoption feels like me....

 

It's my life.... my heart.

 

But that (dot dot dot) is my biggest 'unknown'...

 

and we've discussed those before.

 

(Dot dot dots) open up a world of 'what if's'...

 

Here's mine....

 

"What if God won't let us get pregnant because my body won't be able to handle it?"

 

What if I don't make it? What if the baby doesn't make it?

 

and then...

 

Maybe I should go back on birth control. I should probably start charting again, just in case.

 

And so on.

 

So .... a few days out of every month, it's impossible for me to live outside of my (dot dot dot)...

 

Because well,

 

"Aunt Flo comes for a visit"

 

or

 

"Jenny has a red dress on"

 

or

 

"You're riding the crimson wave"

 

or

 

"Your on the rag"

 

or

 

It's just 'that time of the month'.

 

It does me no good.... none... but every single month, 'it' is my (dot dot dot).

 

There are times that I wish for that moment... that I imagine a (period)...

 

there are also times I wish for a hysterectomy.

 

:-)

 

(I mean really, it does me NO GOOD!)

 

I have no choice so I will continue living in my (dot dot dot) and I will continue trusting that, one way or another, with a pregnancy or that moment or even menopause...

 

one day, my (period) will come... and then? It will be welcome.

 

I don't know of one woman who has struggled with infertility who hasn't heard, at one point or another, from a well-intentioned friend or family member...

 

"You just watch! You'll (stop infertility treatment) (adopt a baby) and then you'll get pregnant! It happens all the time!"

 

I'd like to offer a gentle word of advice to those who might find themselves on the verge of saying something similar in the future...

 

That woman, your friend or family member, no matter what path their family is on and no matter how exciting things may be for her... she's living in a (dot dot dot)...

 

and sometimes, even if only a few days out of every month...

 

that (dot dot dot) is painful and even terrifying.

 

It's true that sometimes couples DO get pregnant soon after ending treatments or bringing a baby home...

 

but it doesn't happen to everyone...

 

and for the one's who it 'could' happen to?

 

A statement like that only extends the already never-ending (dot dot dot).

 

Back to my imagination...

 

I imagine we all have our own (dot dot dot).....

 

What's yours? What triggers your (dot dot dot)? What does that moment look like for you?

 

And when your (period) comes, will you welcome it?

 

Something to ponder on your Wednesday night :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jesus told me, Mommy!"

Today marks the anniversary, of sorts, of a day that we will never forget.... a day when our faith in God's plan for our family changed forever... it was stretched and deepened profoundly.

You see, our sweet boy just celebrated his 1st birthday...

but 1 year ago today, we still didn't know him...

he was lying in a hospital incubator, 10 days old, fighting for his life...

And we were still waiting for our #2....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's flash- back to April 1, 2012;

Hi friends :-) It's been a while and I sat down tonight to write a long-overdue blog post/ update ... I just can't. To admit that we are 18 months into this second adoption wait, to try and justify why it's been that long, to reminisce about how much time we've 'wasted' waiting on different situations, and to act like it's all ok because God still has a plan.... Feels kind of fake. Since I can't find words, I'll let God choose them for me...

"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4

Last week Joey and I admitted that we were both just tired of waiting... and every time we feel that way God shows up to offer a light, some encouragement, and something to look forward to. Today, we are thankful for some light, are feeling encouraged, and are looking forward... We will never grow tired of waiting for our baby :-)

That was my Facebook post earlier this week and you know, it's really true;

We haven't grown tired of waiting... because well, we'd wait a lifetime if that's what it took to bring our next baby home. Just because we aren't tired doesn't mean that we aren't frustrated or confused or even angry sometimes... or a lot of times. We haven't given up and to me, that means that each morning we wake up refreshed and hopeful and 'good-anxious'... and we rejoice in the fact that we made it through one more day that has gotten us closer to our baby. THAT is worth the frustration, confusion, and anger, is it not?

Nope, Joey and I are doing fine... living one day at a time and doing our best to trust that God's plan is better than our own (but seriously, I CAN'T wait to see HOW and WHEN His plan will be better than my own... because my own is pretty damn good!), ((Sorry I used the 'D' word :-/)), (((Does infertility and/or adoption bring out your dirty mouth? I didn't even know I had one until infertility and adoption!!)

If you're 'waiting' or if you've ever 'waited', you know the magnitude of what I'm going to say... you know that it pierces your heart, makes you sick to your stomach, and gives you goosebumps all at the same time. Mostly, it just makes me more frustrated and confused and angry when I realize that

 we are not the only one's who are hurting through this wait... who are anxious and excited and hopeful. Our children are, too.

We have prepared our sweet girl 3 (T.H.R.E.E) times this year for her role as big sister... as in; "hurry and wash the baby clothes, unpack the car seat, clean the house, and start packing" kind of preparation. One of those times was a slower process but felt just the same when those babies didn't wear the clothes, sit in the car seat, or come home. Because of how difficult this past year has been, Joey and I have been EXTREMELY cautious around Hannah... we simply do not discuss 'baby' anything in her presence. If we get an email from an expectant mom or hear about a situation through an attorney, we wait and discuss it when Hannah's napping or in bed. While we DO pray for Hannah's baby brother or sister some nights at bedtime (it IS important for her to know that when baby comes home, it means that Jesus answered our prayers!), we just want to protect her as much as we can from the possibility of being 'heartbroken'... again.

Well...

Joey and I were getting dressed this morning and Hannah came tearing into our room.... full force yelling, "Mommy Daddy Mommy Daddy!!!! I'm so excited! My baby brother is coming home tonight!!!!"

Now imagine... how do you respond to this?

Well, if you're us, you get immediate goosebumps and stand there like idiots with your mouths hanging open.

I mean, how can you not be a little shocked/freaked out?

When we recovered, we hugged our bouncing 3 year old and moved on... what do you SAY???

Our day was fun; lunch at a fun place since Daddy was home today, puzzles, books, planted a tree, and made sugar cookies. Hannah wasn't into dinner tonight so we said the customary, "You can get down from the table but you don't get any treats until you eat your 5 bites" and she ran to play in the play room.

Joey and I finished eating and about 10 minutes later Hannah came running into the kitchen yelling, "My baby brother is almost here!! He';s on his way, he's almost here! Hurry I have to eat my dinner!  I don't know what car he's in.... let's go watch for him!"

By this time, Joey and I are a little more than confused/freaked out and I finally asked Hannah... "Who told you that your baby brother is coming home tonight?"

Hannah looked sweetly from her Daddy to me and said...

"Jesus told me, Mommy!"

Of course He did....

Ugh.

In the same extremely mature and sophisticated way in which we typically communicate with our daughter...

Joey changed the subject.

(Okay really?!?! Like you wouldn't have done the same thing!)

It was then that I felt sick to my stomach... and guilty... and angry... and confused... and in some strange way...

hopeful.

Here's the thing...

Most moms and dads would hear that from their child, dismiss it, and think, "There's no way that could happen, anyway... a baby showing up on our door step tonight! Ha!"

But... we met Hannah's birth-parents on a Thursday night, and picked up our baby-girl on Friday morning... 13 hours later.

Not so crazy, after all.

Back to the kitchen tonight....  me feeling sick.... my 'inner me' started running her mouth...

"It's Easter weekend.... it's the absolute perfect time to bring our baby home! Maybe she's right... God says that we need to have faith like a child, right? What if we DO bring our baby home this weekend?"

 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and have faith like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

~Matthew 18:3

But here's what followed...

"What are you talking about?! EVERY SINGLE STINKING DAY FOR THE PAST YEAR HAS BEEN THE PERFECT DAY TO BRING OUR BABY HOME!!!!!"

So much for faith, huh?

Joey and I talked later on about how we should proceed with Hannah since she's obviously very aware, despite our best efforts to protect her, of this long 'wait' to become a big sister. We've learned (the hard way) that Scripture is always the best place to turn when you're at a loss...

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  

~Matthew 19:14

We will let her dream... we'll even dream with her.

We will let her be excited... and we'll allow ourselves to be excited (once again), too.
We will learn from her flawless and perfect faith... we need it.

And we will pray that God will continue to place His loving and profound words in her heart because I have to be honest... there are days when I listen to my daughter more than I listen to my Heavenly Father and quite frankly, that's not ok.

To me, Easter represents all things 'new'... Jesus rising from the grave, our sins being washed clean, the weather, flowers, trees, fresh fruits and vegetables...

So why not families, too???

We always knew that Hannah was 'advanced' (my dad's word ;-))...



 but today she taught her Mama a much-needed lesson in faith!

I love you, sweet girl and know without a shadow of a doubt that you will be the BEST big sister there ever was.... and hopefully soon!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

That day, April 1, 2012, Hannah was absolutely convinced that her baby brother was on his way.

She knew.

How did she know?

"Jesus told me, Mommy!"

Friends...

He did.

April 1, 2012 was the day that Hunter's sweet First Mama relinquished her parental rights... not even knowing if her precious baby would be alive when she could come back and visit him on Easter morning.

By all legal terms, that sweet boy was our's...

we just didn't know.

We wouldn't know for 2 more weeks.

But Hannah knew.

She knew that she was a big sister...

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

~Matthew 19:14

And she was right;

Jesus told her heart.

Dear Sweet Boy... Love, Mama

Hi sweet boy~

 

I've dreamed so many times about writing this letter to you....  the letter that would re-cap your first year of life... the one that would pin-point highlights of the past year....

 

The first of many many letters.

 

But there was one day, not too long ago, when your Daddy and I were faced with the terrifying reality that this letter might never come....

 

Or that it would read quite differently than we had planned.

 

There was a day, not too long ago, when we truly believed that we would be celebrating this special day without you.... or, if we were able to celebrate WITH you, that it might be the last.... But,

 

We celebrated your first birthday a few days ago ...

 

The decorations were colorful,
 

 

 

the cake was simply amazing,

 

 the food was so yummy,
 

 

and we were surrounded by our biggest prayer warriors... the one's who stand mostly responsible for carrying us through this past year and who remain your biggest fans....
 

 

 

But we could have celebrated your birthday without the colorful decorations, the amazing cake, yummy food, and wonderful family and friends...

 

Those are all so important....

 

But what made that day so special ...

 

Was you.

 

YOU were at your birthday celebration.
 

 

 

And one day, not too long ago, that just didn't seem like a possibility.

 

Now? It's our reality.

 

We didn't celebrate your birthday under a cloud of worry and doubt and fear, wondering if there would be a 2nd... or a 3rd... or....

 

And though we celebrated with unimaginable joy and hope and laughter...

 

Our hearts were so incredibly heavy with gratitude and awe as we reflected on the miracle that is your life.

 

 

Your Daddy and I look at you every single day and marvel at who you are after all that you have been through...

 

 

"You are so blessed!"

 

You'll probably hear that most days for the rest of your life...

 

And I'm sorry for that.

There are some things I want you to know as your enter into your second year of life.... things I want you to remember, always;
 

1) You are not defined by all that you have been through...

 

The NICU doesn't define you.

 

Apnea doesn't define you.

Heart Conditions don't define you.

 

Hearing loss doesn't define you.

 

Prematurity doesn't define you.

You are not blessed.... you are the blessing....

To me, your Daddy, our family, friends, and so many people who haven't even met you.
 

 

2) Grace.

 

When I look at you, all I see is God's grace. Grace so powerful and prevalent that it often brings me to my knees.

 

You are one of His most precious miracles. Your life was perfectly planned and defined long before your Daddy and I knew you....

 

Your life is defined only by God's grace.

 

Your first year of life was hard...

 

For some reason your life plan included events and processes that most people will never face.

 

Your strength and will were tested long before you took your first breath.

 

My heart has broken for you more times in the past year than I can count...

 

But I will never apologize to you for the path you life has and will continue to follow, for what you've faced and for what you might face in the future...

Becuase your life, no matter what shape or form it might take, can't be anything else... it can't go any other way...

Because if it did, you wouldn't be you.

 

And I cannot be me, without you.

 

3) Your purpose in life is extraordinary.

 

I don't know what your future holds... I don't wish to know because one of the most rewarding, surprising, and wonderful things for your Daddy and me is to watch God's plan unfold for you.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that your life's plan includes a few more bumps and maybe even mountains along the way. But I know you. And I know that you have been given a strength and will and determination that I have never seen before.

 

I'm not so sure I will 'appreciate' that will in your toddler years ;-)....

 

But I will do everything i can to nurture and encourage that part of you...

 

You might climb a few more mountains...

 

But, if you allow God to continue to mold and shape and guide you, you will move so many more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Writing is one of my passions and I'm sure, that by the time you're old enough to read, you'll have stacks of letters to read through...

 

But I will never, ever be able to express to you in writing just how much you are loved.

 

You are valued and cherished and are continually covered in prayer....

 

And you will remain wrapped in Jesus' strong and capable hands every day of your life.

 

A few stats from your first year...

 

* You weighed 2 pounds, 13 ounces when you were born.... on your birthday, you hit 18 pounds!

 

 

* On your birthday, you made the growth chart!

~ 3rd percentile for weight... 10th for height... 5th for head~

 

* You have mastered sitting up!

 

* You are no longer considered a 'beginning' crawler!

 

 

* You LOVE pulling yourself up on my laundry baskets!

 

 

 

* You don't sleep.

 

Ever.

 

 

* Your Sister gets a smile from you that you don't give anyone else...

 

 

And she is your protector and your biggest cheerleader...

 

 

 

* You drink 8 ounce bottles and always eat better when you're being held... even though you like to be a big boy and hold your own bottle....

 

 

* You LOVE the weirdest baby food combinations... apples & bananas, sweet potato & apples & raisins, ham & pineapple & apple & rice, to name a few. And you eat a LOT of it...

 

 

* OH WAIT!! You DO sleep!!!!...

 

Good thing Mama likes to shop :-)

 

* You already look up to and admire your Daddy...

 

Don't ever let that change.

 

 

* You're ALL BOY...

 

 

* And you're Mama's boy...

 

Don't forget it ;-)

 

One day, sweet boy, I might come up with a saying to replace "I love you"... because "I love you" just doesn't seem big enough.

 

So, for now...

 

Happy birthday, my precious boy.

 

I love you.

 

I love you more than...

 

Sleep ;-)

 

~ Mama

 

PS... Another BIG day is coming up in a couple weeks... the day we met!

 

The Circle of Life; Mufasa Might Have Been on to Something

From here on out, for the rest of our lives, March and April will be such exciting months for us!

 

In March we celebrate many family birthdays but we also celebrate our sweet boy's first breath of life... the one that happened 10 weeks before it 'should' have.... but didn't happen one moment too soon.

 

We celebrate Easter this month... and not only the sacrifice God made for our sins but also the MIRACLE of His resurrection!

 

April brings with it many more family birthdays and also April 16... the day we met our precious miracle... and the start to the most terrifying, exhilarating, challenging, and joyous year of our lives.

 

It's this time of year when we anticipate the start of Spring, longer daylight hours, evening walks, ice cream!, flowers....

 

 

Even in light of the exciting weeks that lie ahead, my heart has been so heavy... conflicted, even.

 

For one precious family, March will always bring much different memories... of their sweet baby girl who, born too early, breathed her first breath on Earth in her Mama's arms... and her second in the arms of Jesus.

 

For another family, March will always bring so much pain... one very normal morning in March, they couldn't wake their sweet baby boy... and that memory will never leave them.

 

And another family... they are so precious to us... while they will always take comfort in knowing that their baby boy's first breaths were filled with the fragrance of Heaven, his first hug was in the arms of Jesus, and his first sounds were the Angels singing.... and even though they will celebrate his birthday this month and look forward to seeing him again, March brings them heart-ache and pain.

Another precious family in our lives.... planned and prepared to welcome their baby boy into their family through adoption... arrived at the hospital on the day of his birth.... met him and held him... and learned that his First Mama wasn't completely honest with them... about her life and hopes and expectations.... and as much as their hearts hurt, could only make decisions for their sweet daughter and her future... and they had to say 'no'. They know their family will grow and when it does, it will be right... like God planned... but March will always remind them of that sweet boy they expected and lost.

An then yesterday.... a family we all 'know' now.... fought with everything in them to be able to give a special baby girl their love and home... and we fought with them, too. Then, unexpectedly, in a matter of minutes.... their hearts were crushed. And if you were anything like me yesterday... your's was crushed, too. March will always remind them of the baby girl they so vividly saw becoming a member of their family.

For us, March is now one of the best months of the year for all of the miracles is represents.... but I also can't help but remember the boys we had planned to bring home in March, 2 years ago. As much as I believed then that they were our's... that they were meant to be in our family... I also know now that they weren't. They are someone else's.  I am so thankful that they weren't meant for us and I wouldn't want it any other way. But still... I think about them and I remember the physical and emotional pain we lived in for weeks...even months... after their birth. I remember the empty nursery and the precious bedding... the adorable clothes.... car seats... 2 of everything!


We could probably do this about every month of the year, huh?

 

It doesn't matter that each memory revolves around a single day...the month will still hurt.

 

It doesn't even seem to matter that each family has HOPE in Jesus Christ and peace in knowing that their babies... their lives... are with Him or live in His hands.

 

And even though each memory, each heartache, happened to one family... the circle of people who hurt with those families goes so far beyond them.
 

 It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle The Circle of Life

That song has always felt so ... 'Earthy'... 'New Agey'. And I haven't seen the Lion King in years... like, many years. But that song.... it's in my head and even though it's driving m crazy I knew there had to be a reason for it....

A few years ago... right after we brought Hannah home... a friend of our's lost her baby. Every miscarriage is devastating. Heart-breaking. I wasn't sure how to encourage and support her when we had just brought our own long-awaited baby home.. surely our joy only deepened her pain... right?

So I distanced myself. I didn't know what else to do.

She and I reconnected when Hannah was about 6 months old... her baby would have been celebrating a birthday the next week.

She had felt my distance and asked me about it... I explained my 'reasoning' as gently as I could and her response shocked me...

"Yeah, I lost my baby.... and as painful as it was and as much as I didn't understand 'why', I also knew that it was God's plan... one I would understand when He knew I was ready. Seeing you and Joey with Hannah only made me happy... in a way I was thankful that, even though we lost a life, God was showing me through Hannah that He creates it, too! It was a strange circle but seeing you happy wasn't painful... it gave me hope for our future."

And she quoted my 'life verse'...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11

It's the Circle of Life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and love

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the Circle The Circle of Life

It still sounds strange and new-agey to me but there's truth in King Mufasa's words, too ... words that seem to be in line with MY King's Word.

Those families and their memories will last forever.... and maybe time will dull the pain... or maybe, one day, like us, they'll be able to look back at where they were, and compare that to where they are and know 'why'... and then maybe those memories won't hurt so bad...

But time doesn't heal all pain.

It just doesn't.

And I am SO glad it doesn't!

The circle of life.....

I need those memories and the pain they still bring me today, to be able to fully appreciate and take joy in what is happening in my life now...

'Till we find our place on the path unwinding.


Our path's are unwinding, aren't they?


None of us will look back in time, to the 'March' of our lives and think that, if they could have changed it, they wouldn't.

OF COURSE THEY WOULD!

They'll feel it all over again. They'll hurt again. And cry again.


As I prepare for Hunter's first birthday, as I decorate our house, wrap gifts, and prepare myself for the emotions that are sure to overwhelm me in the next few weeks...

My heart aches...

For my friend who only lets herself break on the drive to and from work.

For my friend who only gets out of bed to take her daughter to school... and then comes home and gets right back in.

For the mom who is still recovering from giving birth to her baby girl.... but who doesn't have her baby girl to hold.

For the family who is solid in their faith and knows how to write about how great God is, even when things don't go as planned.... but who still ask 'why' and hurts so badly inside at the loss of the future they had hoped for.

Nothing anyone can say will make March easier for them...

Not "I'm praying for you." or "It will get easier." or "Just focus on what you DO have."

(Honestly... those well-intentioned remarks almost make it worse.)

So as I prepare for MY last couple weeks of March, that look so very different for us now than they used to...

I'm going to remember that we are all only part of the way around our own circles of life...

the path is still unwinding.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To each of you...

Your hurt is not your own... and it won't go away. 
But you've already gone through despair.
Your story isn't done... and I don't know what April will look like... but I know it won't be March.
 I'm here... and I love you...
and I can't wait to watch you travel soon, through hope and faith and love.

~ Me


 

 

 



Hello. My name is Lindsay. I am a Mom. And I am a pathological complainer.

I'm exhausted, my feet hurt, my neck won't turn to the right, I haven't peed by myself with the door closed in over 4 years, and when I ask my 4 year old to pick out her clothes for the day, she goes straight to the laundry room and digs through the piles until she finds what she wants to wear!

Sound familiar?!

I sure hope so!!!!


For the first time in a loooooong time, we made it to church this weekend!

 

Yep... all 4 of us! I even put Hunter in the nursery.... and if you know me AT ALL, you know how big that is for me ;-)

 

One of my biggest challenges in motherhood is trusting other people with my kids. I have extremely high expectations for MYSELF when it comes to them, I take my job very seriously, and I do a damn good job at being their Mama... 2 women handed me their babies to love and take care of and I do it with every single ounce of me. (Sorry for saying 'damn' ;-)

 

It's hard for me to even comprehend that someone else in this world 'might' be able to care for them even a fraction as well or as much as I do.

 

Hannah was 10 months old the first time I left her in the church nursery...she screamed the whole time and no one paged us so the next time I left her in the church nursery, she was 15 months old.

 

She was 16 months old the first time I hired a babysitter for her... and the rash on her butt because the sitter didn't change her took 2 different Rx creams and about 2 weeks to go away. The next time I left her with a sitter (that wasn't family), she was 2.5 years old... and then we moved. (I don't believe that it's a coincidence that she now goes to school only 35 minutes away from our new house... Molly; WE MISS YOU!!! :-))

 

Our church has many different campuses and each campus has an 'overflow' or 'cry room' that is somewhat more private and a little quieter than being in the service. We went to church about 6 months ago and kept Hunter with us in the overflow room... and it still didn't go well :-/ When we decided to go to church this weekend, I had NO intentions of leaving Hunter in the nursery! NONE.

 

And then we walked in and signed Hannah in.... my Daddy's words to me from almost 3 years ago echoed in my mind...

 

"There are very few people in the world who are patient and loving enough to volunteer their time to spend with babies and kids. God has given the people who volunteer in church nurseries a very special gift... and for you to not trust them with your baby is almost like denying them the ability to act on the gifts God gave them."

 

And he was so right.

 

So I left my 11 month old, 10 week premature, sometimes breathing-challenged, always snotty and coughing baby who sometimes hears and sometimes doesn't in the church nursery... with 6 women who's faces light up at the sight of those babies coming through the door.

 

I gave them a 'short' synopsis of Hunter's life (they put him in the baby-baby room instead of with kids his own age, since putting him with runners and crawlers when he just learned to sit doesn't really seem fair), and made sure they had my cell number so they could text me AND page me if they needed something... Yep... I'm 'that' mom.

And I am 100% ok with that ;-)

 

He did great!

 

And so did his Mama ;-)

 

It felt SO good to be back in church, singing praises to my Jesus, and sitting next to my handsome husband!

 

I expected no less than a punch-to-the-gut sermon on our first Sunday back ...

 

and that's what we got!

 

I could hi-light so many points from Sunday's sermon.... but I won't. What I WILL do is confess something to you...

 

something I am working to lay at the feet of Jesus.

 

I think one of the most challenging aspects of parenting is working hard to reign in our children's attitudes and defiance but being able to balance that with allowing them freedom and independence. I also think that the single most difficult part of parenting is not allowing our own attitudes and defiance to control our daily lives.

 

In short:

 

We're hypocrites.

And we're complainers.

 

Our list of daily complaints is long...

 

The laundry never ends! I can't take them anywhere! When will he finally sleep through the night?!

 

My confession; I complain entirely too much. I allow my list of complaints to overshadow my purpose... and all that God has called me to do... to be.

 

This week I'm making a new list and I would love your help...


Seeing the Hidden Blessings in Every Complaint!

 

"I've had enough of her attitude!"... But that attitude is what will make her a strong, independent woman.

 

"The laundry never ends!"... But my kids are active and so they get dirty!

 

"I just want him to sleep through the night!"... But I will enjoy every second I have with him when his cheeks are rosy and eyes are heavy with sleep and his body is limp against me... because one day, not too long from now, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and my arms will ache to hold him... but he'll be asleep ;-)

 

"I just want to be able to pee with the door closed!"... But one day I will find myself sitting by the phone just waiting to hear the voice of one of my babies... so I'll keep peeing with the door open so my kids don't kill each other and there will be someone to call me when that day comes ;-)

 

** Ok ok... so I'm stretching a few of these... but really, some of them require a little digging in order to change them from a complaint to a blessing ;-) **

 

"Why can't he just put his stinkin' coffee cup in the dishwasher when he gets home?!"... But what makes his coffee cup any different than the dozens of bottles and sippy cups I wash each day? He works hard so our kids can be raised daily by one of their parents... pretty sure i can handle one more cup to rinse and put on the rack.

 

"I am so sick of having sick kids!"... But sick kids = exposure to germs... and exposure to germs = exposure to other kids... and exposure to other kids = social, active, happy kids. So ok... sick kids it is... at least their happy and sick :-)

Your turn... please help me turn those complaints to blessings.... because we truly, every one of us, have been blessed with so so much!




** Disclaimer... sometimes complaining is just necessary. It's better than yelling or screaming or giving up so please, don't block me from seeing your FB status and don't stop leaving your honest comments.... we need to support each other and have a forum where it's safe and acceptable to complain sometimes! I just need a break from it for a few days... and I can't help but think that it'll do everyone some good to just turn some of those into blessings :-) **


And just to humble myself a little bit more...

Me; It's time to get dressed... go pick out you clothes for the day!
Hannah; Umm Mommy? Where are my clothes?
Me; Hmmm.... Either in the laundry room....

or on the living room floor...

:-/




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Change of Plans... A Video Post!

I had a great post to share with you tonight...

and then this happened.

And this is even more incredible...

So I'll save that post for another night :-)

(If you're new to Hunter's story, head over here to catch up on the miracle that is his life... and remember to scroll all the way down in order to start from the beginning ;-))

If you know Hunter's story, then you know that his first birthday is only weeks away... and you know that we were told over and over and over again that his first birthday would never come... and you know that we were told that, IF his first birthday DID come, his quality of life would be no where near that of a typical one year old...

and so you'll know that this video is just the beginning of one more miracle in this sweet boy's life :-)

And just in case you thought it was a fluke (like I did ;-)....

God is so good. He is so so good!

(Blogger is being SO difficult tonight because it knows how amazing my post is so please excuse the crappy video quality :-/... AND... also excuse my squeaky voice; we had been at this for 10 minutes before I grabbed my camera and by that time I was barely holding it together... about 10 seconds after the second video, I lost it ;-))