Intimacy in the cemetery...

They pulled in quietly and started down the winding path through families and memories... Generations of stories and undoubtably over millions of tears dried into the harsh, dried ground.

He parked his blue truck in the middle of the cemetery. 

He didn't have to... The road would wind through the stones ... but he stopped.

He got out of his truck, walked around the truck and opened her door for her. He held out his hand and helped her down... he kissed her cheek.

Her husband.

He got back in the truck and watched her... 

She had trouble walking ... age wasn't her friend, but she managed... Alone. She walked far ... always remaining in his sight.

His eyes never left her.

I wondered how far she would walk... Why he didn't just drive her all the way... Why she was walking alone.

 

I was struck by his strength... watching her walk away toward something he obviously wasn't a part of... respecting her in the deepest, most profound way I have ever seen.

 

I felt the most unexplainable mixture of emotions as I watched, waiting to see the ending of this already-beautiful scene unfolding in front of me... I was an intruder, watching from afar, but completely paralyzed... I couldn't look away.

She finally stopped... She was tired. Breathing hard.  

She bent over and touched a flower that graced the stone that sat deep in the earth... Covering a life that is so obviously deeply missed.

She knelt down to her knees... quite a challenge but important to her. She folded her hands, and placed them in her lap. She touched the earth... Looked at the sky... Bent her head...

I glance back at him... Still in his truck...

His head was bent, too.

She stood up and started her long walk back ...

I don't know who she left behind. Her mom? Dad? Was it a child she lost? A husband from before? If so, before what? 

He let her walk the path back alone but met her a few feet from the truck and wrapped his arms around her. They stood in that place for what seemed like an eternity... And then he helped her back into the car. He backed up slowly and they were gone.

But I was still there... somehow changed.

I have never witnessed such intimacy as I did today while waiting to pick up my sweet girl from school. 

His gentle kiss on her cheek. The way he watched her walk away... protecting her and wanting to respect her need to go alone, but torn as he watched his love walk away... toward something he wasn't a part of. He prayed when she did. The patience he fought as she walked back toward him, wanting to let her finish what she started... but wanting her back with him as quickly as possible. The relief even I felt when she was back in his arms. His gentle guidance as he made sure she was safely in her seat... back in his care... where she belonged.

 

Intimacy. Defined.

 

The scene has played over and over in my mind all afternoon... their story is remarkable. 

 

I don't know it.... but I know it's remarkable.

 

I don't know who she left behind in that cemetery... how often she visits... how many times she's had to walk away...

 

Their love was so genuine. His respect for her, for the parts of her story that he doesn't quite fit in to... so pure. The secrets they shared were haunting... the intimacy between them ran deep.

 

Sometimes God uses the strangest places, in the weirdest circumstances, with the most random people to speak to me.... today he used a cemetery, the only 15 free minutes I had, and a couple I now strive to model in my own relationships.

Remarkable, in deed.

"My home is in Heaven..." ~ Billy Graham

17 years ago I stood in a crowd of thousands of people in a California amphitheater. We were there to hear some guy speak. I didn't really know who he was but I knew that he was famous... and I could sense from the energy of the crowd that something huge was going to happen. I knew that God would move and my life would be changed. His name was Billy Graham. 

I was 13 years old and in 3 months I would undergo a major surgery to fuse my spine in order to stop the progress of my Scoliosis. The back brace I wore had become a part of me... something that I couldn't imagine living without. It held me together... binded the parts of me that were broken and seemingly, defined the parts of me that were not. My head knew that back surgery was 'routine'... my heart hadn't gotten the memo.

I was terrified.

When a doctor preps you for surgery, he explains the pros in depth... and quickly mentions the cons. The risks. Death always seems to be a risk. This time was no different.

I stood surrounded by friends and strangers at the same time. A man came on stage and I can't remember a word he said... but his words hushed the crowd of thousands and the world seemed to fade away. His presence was empowering... his words echoed off the walls of your heart.

I would say I couldn't speak for everyone there... but I'm certain that I can.

His words changed people. They changed me.

I remember his question; Would you like to dedicate your life to Christ? I'll help you!

But I had done that years ago. His conclusion didn't apply to me. Until...

Have you already given your life to him? Have you spent each day living purposefully? Living for him? Would you like to RE-dedicate your life to him? Let me help you...

And I did.

And my fears faded. Death no longer filled me with fear but instead, filled me with hope! My hope rested in him and in him alone. The promises I had made years ago renewed in my heart and became the anthem of my life.

All because of his words.... of the words that my Jesus put in the mouth of a man.

A man named Billy Graham.

In early October I was contacted by the Billy Graham Association. One of their head publicists reads our blog. A compliment? I think so!

The Billy Graham Association wanted to host a blogger luncheon. They were inviting some of the top bloggers in our region and wanted to clue us in on the BGA and what makes it tick, what they have to offer our community, and most of all, who this guy is. 

If you've ever heard of Billy Graham, then you know that no one in their right mind would pass up an opportunity like this. And if you've never heard of him, a quick Google search will give you some perspective.

The day was amazing! Billy Graham Headquarters... the birth-place of so many of his movies and crusades and interviews... breath-taking! The library... a chronicle of his life... of the millions of people who were imprinted in the patchwork of his heart from the day he was born... inspiring. Pieces of his life... large and small, minute and monumental... all played a part in the purpose of his life... humbling.

I didn't learn anything about the life of Billy Graham that I didn't already know. It's impossible to attend one of his crusades and lose track of him... he's just 'that guy'. What I learned had more to do with his ministry than anything...

His outreach...

The Cove...

His Library...

Ruth's Attic...

The Library, located in Charlotte, NC, has something to offer for everyone... free tours of the library that chronicles the plan God has for his life from day 1, Christmas festivities free of charge, tea parties and luncheons for kids, gardens more beautiful than any I've ever seen...

A hidden gem.

Billy Graham's life work defines 'purpose'. His library, just one small glimpse into the life of a true prophet, gives anyone who visits determination to find their own. Men like him are few... his life has been rich and full... but his time is growing short. Pray for this man. Learn more about him... visit his legacy... support his cause. 

I am honored to have been given a glimpse into his life... a life that changed lives... including mine.

My perspective was changed, my fear was squelched, and my life-verse can now be echoed through his words...

"My home is in Heaven. I'm just traveling through this world."

~ Billy Graham

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To Lisa and the many people who made opened up this opportunity and included me in the impressive list of bloggers who were invited... thank you! I am proud to be considered a Billy Graham Blogger and look forward to working with you in the future to continue the purpose of Billy Graham's life and of his library... to carry on his legacy.

Other BGA Bloggers;

Emily A. Clark
Malise Terrell
Briana Bruzali
Gail Purath 
Jennifer Schmidt
Megan Scheibner 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little about us...

Give the freaking Elf a break!

Do you know someone who's faith in the human race and belief in all things good was shattered when they realized that there really is no Santa?

Probably not.

Have you ever met someone who never spoke to their parents again when they finally told them who the real Santa is?

I didn't think so.

Does your 5 year old daughter believe that Cinderella and Ariel and Jasmine live at Disney World?

I'd guess that she does,

Does your son think that Superman saves kittens and stops trains?

He does.

So why is everyone giving the Elf so much flack?!

My news feed is full of people who are 'confused' by the hype surrounding the Elf... who put other parents on the naughty list when their Elf tee-pee's the Christmas tree or repels from the doorbell.

Whether you facilitate and encourage your child's belief in Santa or not.... whether your Elf reads the Bible or ate the last cookie... or if Cinderella lives in a computer or Superman is just a man in a cape...

Did you believe in Santa when you were little? How'd you turn out?

Did you think that Belle was the most beautiful girl in the whole world? How'd you turn out?

Did Superman follow your airplane to Gramma's house? How are you doing after that?

Seriously.

I am disgusted lately that the biggest argument in a season of joy and family and BELIEVING is whether or not the belief in Santa is healthy or why an Elf would get into a little trouble (I do, however agree with those who think he's slightly creepy looking...).

So annoying.

My kids believe in Santa... it's from their belief in Santa that they learned how to say 'ho ho ho' when they were babies and it's him who first introduced them to candy canes and started their little minds to thinking about cause and effect... naughty vs. nice. Santa works at the North Pole in the Winter but he spends his summer in Heaven with Jesus and our angel baby. He and Kazaar (yes... we believe in the Elf, too) meet at McDonalds and chat about the week's happenings... over a McFlurry. For a few short weeks out of the year, we don't have to take privileges away... because Kazaar is watching... so we all get dessert, everyone gets to watch the Christmas show before bed, friends come over to play when plans are made... and that's just good enough! We get to watch our kids' faces light up when Kazaar gets into a little trouble... no one is perfect, after all!! (And... Elf's get bored when we're not home!)

I don't care if your kids believe in Santa or not.... they'll be fine either way. 

I don't care if you have an Elf or not.... they'll be fine either way.

But we have chosen to allow our kids a few short years of a little extra belief...in what? It doesn't really matter, does it?!

In the world they will grow up in... whether they believe in Santa or not.... they sadly face a lifetime of more significant disappointments; people aren't always good or nice... not everyone believes in Jesus like we do... people die... not everyone is going to go to Heaven... the Bible doesn't tell us what happens to our pets when they die...

We have chosen to allow our kids the opportunity to believe in Santa and Kazaar.... it won't last forever... their lives won't end when Santa and Kazaar turn into Mom and Dad....

and  they'll always know what Christmas is truly about, because we're the one's who are responsible for that....

And we've chosen to give them a lifetime of memories.... waiting in line to meet Santa.... sitting at the top of the stairs while mom and dad take a painfully long time to brush their teeth so they can run downstairs and see what Santa brought them... anticipating the surprise when Kazaar took flight while they were sleeping and landed himself in a new spot...

We made that choice.

You made your's.

Don't judge me and I won't judge you....

(though our Elf might... ;-))

But please, give the freaking Elf a break!

And just to tick off a few of you 'Elf Critics' even more, I thought I'd share with you what our Jesus-believing, Santa-serving, church-going, love-and-logic practicing, away-in-the-manger, tree-tee-peeing Elf gets into when the babies go to bed...

When the babies are away, the Elf will play (courtesy of said-babies' Daddy and Uncle ;-))...

:-)


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Make sure you don't miss our new info video.... we love it!!



Baby K update and our new video!

I continue to be amazed by the overwhelming response to Baby K's story... the dedication you all have had in finding her family has been truly remarkable!

 

I have to apologize to so many of you ... I've received dozens of messages and emails asking for an update on sweet Baby K and I haven't responded to one of them :-/ I'm so sorry! But this was because I had no update to give you... 

 

When an adoption situation crosses my path, I put lots of effort into verifying the details and confirming policies, etc about the representing agency or attorney. I'm super picky about the situations I put in front of you.... I KNOW your passion for these kids and I KNOW that God uses you to move mountains on their behalf so it's never my intention to mislead or misrepresent anyone! I take it very seriously.

 

I did my research on Baby K's agency and even spoke to the woman who was primarily responsible for finding her family... she and I were in contact with each other as your emails poured into her inbox! When the number of inquiries about Baby K reached over 500 she asked me to remove Baby K's story so she had time to catch up on follow-ups for the inquiries she had already received. I did so right away and she promised that she would keep me posted as they continued searching for a family... and she promised to let me know if they needed any more help.

 

Long story short... she never followed-up.

 

And that's where I get pretty ticked off... for you AND for me.

 

I spent the majority of last week emailing, calling and texting the agency to get some sort of update on Baby K. We all need to understand that privacy is the main concern in adoption situations... Baby K's story had travelled SO far, her picture had been posted everywhere, and the agency had to be careful to protect this sweet girl AND her family. HOWEVER, the response I finally got last Friday was NOT good enough for me...

 

"We can't disclose any information.'

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! People's lives have been forever changed by Baby K's story... hearts became aware of special needs adoption, of adoption in general as an option for their family, and I didn't accept that as an adequate answer. So I pushed... hard. Is she ok?! ALIVE?! Does she have a family? Was it one of the 90,000 people who visited this blog ALONE over those 2 days?! These people deserve a little better than that!

 

And here's what I got...

 

'Baby K is alive and doing very well."

 

And that, my friends has to be enough.

 

Needless to say, I won't be posting any more situations from that particular agency. And please, just know how much you helped... how many lives have been changed... and that 'our' sweet girl is alive and well :-)

 

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On another note...

 

I'm SO excited to share our new 'intro' video with you!! My brother has an amazing talent for photography and film... he has done incredible videos for PT schools, churches, and has recently been asked to complete a film for a local refugee ministry! SO... when he asked me if I wanted a video just for On Loan From Heaven, I couldn't wait to get started! AND... I couldn't love it more!

 

 

 

 



To watch an amazing video about our Fighter, Hunter, head over here. To see more of Eric's talent for capturing life, or if you'd like to contact him about a project that's on your mind, head over here  or email ericchole (at) me (dot) com!



the look...

Parenting a child with special needs is tough.

 

It's a joy, don't get me wrong...

 

but it's tough.

 

Words like 'age-appropriate' or 'developmental delays' or 'failure to thrive' swirl around in your head... but at the same time that medical professionals warn you of those terrifying realities that have become your child's life, 'don't compare' and 'I'm sure he'll catch up' and 'by the time he's 2 years old....' are meant to be soothing and comforting to the already-terrified parent.

 

I remember so many times when Hunter was tiny... at the store or a doctor's office... watching 'typical' kids run and play and talk... things we were told Hunter would never do. They were full of joy and life and I'd watch them longingly...

 

I didn't long for me...

 

for my son.

 

This is where I first became aware of 'the look.'

 

The look on a parents' face when, no matter how hard they try not to, they find themselves comparing their child to another seemingly-more 'normal' child... doing seemingly-more 'normal' things.

 

I'd watch closely... how they moved, sounded, responded to kids and adults... and I'd look at my son and my heart would shatter.

 

Not because he wasn't good enough or as good as them... because he was.

 

It would shatter for him.

 

For the things he'd never be able to do or say or understand... for what he would miss out on in life...

 

And I would walk through the rest of my day paralyzed with the fear that if he wasn't able to run and play and talk and understand, then he would never experience joy... the joy that comes from being full of life.

 

'The look' in my face... the look I know other mom's could see... was the look of a Mama who was....

 

scared? anxious?

 

jealous, even?

 

That's a hard one to swallow.

 

It took months for me to learn how to hide 'the look'... how to block out the sounds and sights of other kids who were Hunter's age. I put so much energy into ignoring what was 'typical' and settled over and over again on the reality that Hunter would be his own 'typical'... his movements and growth and development redefined 'normal' in my head.

 

And I was ok resting there for a while... in a place where 'normal' and 'typical' didn't exist... where the sounds and sights of kids running and playing and talking and responding to their surroundings didn't define 'normal' anymore.

 

We were sitting in the waiting room at Hunter's Audiologists the other day ... Hunter took over the place! He was running from chair to chair... he would walk over to someone else who was waiting and would gently put his hand on their knee, just so they would say 'hi' to him... he'd move on and grab a magazine just so he could throw it on the floor... he made himself welcome behind the front desk and got a kick out of the paper shredder...

 

and then I saw them.

 

The beautiful couple sitting around the corner with their son, in the far side of the waiting room. Their 6 year old son was in a wheelchair... sitting up, but not really... aware, but not... happy, so happy!

 

His parents were watching Hunter so closely... his movement, his sounds, how he responded to his surroundings....

the look.

We were getting the look... US!

My heart broke at the longing in their face... the grief.... the jealousy.

It was as if Hunter sensed their attention and, as if on cue, he walked over to their son's wheelchair and gently placed his hand on the wheel. He looked from the boy to his parents and back at me... I knew what he was asking me and I nodded... he looked back at the sweet boy and smiled at him before he toddled off.

He broke the ice for me...

Their son had just had brain surgery... he went into it as a fully hearing boy and came out of it deaf.

As we talked... as I travelled through Hunter's story with them... I saw the most amazing thing...

as we talked, their precious son struggled to turn his head just so he could see his parents, so he could just be assured that they were there... with him, in the middle of the visual chaos and silent conversation surrounding him... he needed to see them but more that that, he needed them to see him. Their look meant that everything was ok... would be ok... that he was safe.

And it hit me;

I had spent so much time focused on how other people looked at us and how looking at other kids felt to me...

that I had missed the real looks... the only ones that matters;

the look of contentment and security and safety on my son's face when he looks for me.... and when he finds me.

And when our eyes meet? That look brings out confidence and strength in him ... confidence and strength that only a glance between us can bring out in him because I'm the one who taught him that look, after all.

"I love how your son looks at you."

They sat speechless... and something else amazing happened...

their look slowly transformed from hopeless...

to hopeful.

A few simple words... a million hidden meanings.

What makes a child 'normal' or 'typical' isn't in their movement or language...

it's in their look...

 the one that tells them that they're wanted and accepted and deserving... that they're strong and capable and confident... the one that defines 'joy'...

the one that tells them that they're loved.

Tube Sock Snowman- Tutorial!

I have LOVED being Hannah's Room Mom this year... it just always felt like one of those things that stay at home moms do... and the fact that I get to do it makes me want to do it so well!

I am NOT the crafty type... don't get me wrong; I can make a mean tissue paper pom pom or scrapbook paper pinwheel but they followed over an hour of studying online tutorials and asking friends for help ;-)

The 'craft' part of being Room Mom has been the most challenging for me. Reindeer Nutter Butters, Snowman String Cheese, Grinch Fruit Kabobs... easy!

A craft that's cheap and easy for a 5 year old to do without strict adult supervision?

Another story completely.

 I was SO SO SO excited when I ran across Tube Sock Snowmen on Pinterest! The pin I found didn't have a link but I was able to find a wonderful tutorial ... and I could not be more excited about doing this project with Hannah's class at their Christmas party! In fact, Hannah and I have had so much fun creating our 'samples' that we've decided to make family gifts out of them, too ;-)

I've done my best to give you a step by step tutorial and I sincerely encourage everyone to do this craft with your kids this year... they make adorable gifts for grandparents or birth parents or teachers or.. anyone! And they are a decoration that anyone would love to pull out year after year!

So here goes nothing....

Tube Sock Snowmen

(in 6 easy steps!!)

I purchased everything needed for this project at WalMart and will include prices for you, too to give you an idea of your investment... and believe me, it's worth every penny!

You'll need....

*1 package of men's white tube socks (6 pairs will make 12 snowmen) ~ $5.00

* 1 box of rice or 1 bag of dry beans (optional)~ $1.97

* 1 bag of Fiber Filling ~ $3.47

* 1 package of black 'fuzzy sticks' ( 20 pipe cleaners)~ $0.88

* 1 package of red 'fuzzy sticks' (20 pipe cleaners)~ $0.88

* 1 package of 'wiggly eyes'~ $0.97

* 1 package of various sized buttons (any colors)~ $1.97

* 1 package of pom poms (various sizes, any colors)~ $1.97

* Fabric glue or hot glue gun

* Holiday or birthday ribbon in any size, color, or shape (I liked using wired ribbon)

Total (will make 12 snowmen)~ $17.11 (plus tax)

Instructions:

Step 1 (optional):

Pour a small amount of rice or beans into the bottom of the tube sock to provide a base for the snowman to stand on. It seems as though the project will work without the base but it does help provide stability!

Step 2:

Stuff tube sock with fiber filling... approximately 3/4 full.

Step 3:

Tie the open end of the full tube sock in a knot.

Step 4:

Fold the open end back over the knot to create the snowman's hat (secure with a dab of hot glue or fabric glue, if you'd like to. I didn't and they still turned out great!).

Step 5:

Tie off the top 1/3 of the tube sock with your choice of ribbon to create the snowman's head and body. (I used the Holiday ribbon I already had and found that the wired ribbon made the best bows).

Step 6:

Decorate to your heart's delight!!

* The black pipe cleaner arms stick right into the sock... no cutting, gluing, or sewing necessary!! If you're SUPER crafty (I told you that I am not), you could even find some real sticks ;-)

* A tiny piece of red pipe cleaner made a cute mouth!

* We used a tiny pom pom for the nose and a larger one for the cute puff-ball hat.

* Use as many buttons as you'd like for your snowman!

The best part of this craft?! Hannah was able to do almost every step by herself and each snowman took about 5 minutes to make.... all 12 took us about an hour! It truly became a project created by her and with her cute signature on the bottom, I can't imagine a better school craft , birth-parent present, or family gift! 

(See original tutorial here)

OAB Interview Project: Judy Miller Part II

~~~ If you missed Part I of my interview with Judy Miller, be sure you read through it here first!~~~

 Part II...

Lindsay:  You and your husband are more ‘seasoned’ parents than many of my readers who are just starting their families through adoption… where do you and your husband find support for your relationship with each other? What advice can you offer to the parents of young children whose relationship is trying to weather the storm of infertility or the challenges of adoption?

Judy: I still find my guy to be the most amazing man ever. We have grown up and experienced an awful lot together—infertility, loss of a child, deaths of siblings and parents, adoption, and raising children with special needs. He is my safe place, and I am his. This is our journey that we committed to, wholly and together.

We make ourselves a priority, and this grew out of our oldest son would accosting my husband after work when he was just a little guy. My husband was just starting his business, and was exhausted. Although thrilled to see our son he needed “15” (time to transition into the house environment) after a long workday. It dawned on me then that we also needed designated time for ourselves. I made sure we had a minimum of one “date” night, as well as time away from the kids—an overnight, a weekend away, and sometimes longer. Our kids think this is pretty cool, and they benefit by seeing our commitment to each other.

 Advice for parents? Be truthful, and graceful with your words. Listen with your soul. Remind yourselves why you fell in love and married in the first place. Continue to date each other. Dates can simply be having a glass of wine together on the porch on a summer evening or taking a long walk in the outdoor beauty. Take time to connect and share.

 Infertility does, in a way, prepare a person for the adoption process. People challenged with infertility are not in control; nor will they be during the adoption process. Their adopted child will have suffered great loss, as they have. Adults will arrive, hopefully, into parenting with empathy for loss.

Lindsay:  Your family has grown so beautifully through adoption, but as I know all too well, adoption doesn’t ‘cure’ infertility. You and your husband experienced fertility challenges after your son was born … did your decision to grow your family through adoption ‘interrupt’ the inevitable grief one travels through with infertility? Do you think you ever finish the grieving process, even when you know your family is whole and complete? 

Judy: There are still times when I become very sad. I sometimes experience this when working with parents who are adopting after experiencing infertility and/or the loss of a child. Sometimes, I think of my child during month she was due. Some years are tougher than others.

I view grieving and joy as two branches of the same tree. And yes, I know we speak of trees often within the adoption world. But, the branch of sadness intertwines with the branch of profound joy of being blessed with my kids and being their mom. What a sacred privilege!

I don’t think we ever “get over it.” The pain softens, the ache dulls, but it’s always there.

Are we whole? Are we complete? I don’t know… We always say we’re still listening.

Lindsay:

a.       What advice can you offer to the waiting adoptive mama as she prepares her heart and life for motherhood?

Judy: Prepare yourself to be open and to appreciate what adoption can mean for your child as he or she ages. Accept that parenting the adopted child IS different than parenting a biological child. Recognize that although you’ve been “vetted” you may need to speak to someone or seek support in the future, in order to support your child. Understand that your child’s story is theirs, and should not be shared with others 

Take the time before your child arrives to streamline your life and prioritize what matters, and prepare any siblings, family members and close friends for the child’s arrivals. And keep your expectations low

b.      What advice can you offer to the adoptive mama of a child approaching tween years who is anxious or feeling ill-equipped to handle the evolution of her child’s emotions and thoughts toward his/her adoption?

Prepare early. Changes in children are occurring in the brain long before the physical signs are present.

Make sure your child has the all the facts about his or her story prior to adolescence, even the tough truths. Understand that how your child views his or her adoption and what it means to them will evolve.

Know that your child may experience feelings from the inherent core issues; understand how they may manifest. Understand that what your child may come to feel and express isn’t about you; it’s wholly about him or her. Read my guide, What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween, or work with me so that you can be prepared for your child’s approaching tween and teen years.

Don't miss Judy's interview with me and the rest of the Open Adoption Blogger Interviews!



OAB Interview Project; Meet Judy Miller!

 

 

I am honored to once again have the opportunity to participate in Open Adoption Bloggers' Interview Project. This is something I look forward to every year, not only for the chance to meet and get to know other open adoption bloggers, but it always gives me the opportunity to re-live so many aspects of our own journey to and through adoption.

 

This year, I was matched with Judy Miller and I have found myself enthralled by her experiences in adoption, intimated by her knowledge of parenting, and so thankful for the chance to get to know her!

 

Judy is the mama of one 'home-grown' and three adopted children. Her life experiences include travelling through infertility, losing a child through miscarriage, adopting internationally, writing and publishing a successful book, and teaching courses to adoptive parents in the throws of their children's adolescence, among so many other things. You can read Judy's thoughts as she wanders through her own childrens' adoption stories on her blog, Parenting Your Adopted Child; Tweens, Teens, & Beyond. You can also access and purchase her book, What to Expect from Your Adopted Tween... a book I intend to read cover to cover soon ;-)

 

I know you'll enjoy reading through my interview with Judy... her insight is profound, her emotions are raw, and the knowledge she has to offer those of us in the beginning stages of adoption or parenting is not something to be missed!

 

(Be sure you click over to Judy's blog, too and read through her interview with me ;-))

 

I want nothing more than for you to absorb Judy's wisdom and I've decided to split her interview into two parts to be sure you're able to do just that. SO...

 

Without further ado... meet Judy; Part I!

 

 

Lindsay:     What led you to build your family through adoption? How old were your children when you brought them home?

Judy: We made decision to adopt prior to marriage; we just didn’t realize how it would unfold. We were led to adopt internationally. That was always the plan, as was being a multiracial family. All of our children joined us as infants.

Lindsay:   Our adoptions were both domestic, making open adoption a very simple and reasonable option. I love your references to the ‘ambiguous loss’ your children face as they get older. How has your experience with international adoption and limited biological background information affected your tweens? How do you address those questions and possible confusion as your children process the parts of their lives that might be missing?

Judy: Ambiguous loss is very, very difficult to address. Period. There is no, “just get over it,” or, “I’m just going to love them through it.” Any parent who has either or both of these mindsets will have their eyes opened at some point.

We were aware we’d have to help our kids grapple with the unknowns—the lack of information and family and genetic history. And we’ve dealt with ambiguous loss, countless times, as well as discovering what events and situations events trigger feelings about adoption. Knowing this has helped us to be proactive.

 

Without going into any of their stories (because my kids’ stories are theirs, and I’m a stickler about keeping those private…), due to the nature of our kids’ adoptions, I can share there are missing “pieces.” We strive to be truthful, compassionate and supportive. We rely only on the facts we know, and we are fortunate to have enough that each of our kids has been able to build a foundation. Their frameworks sit, within the historical facts and contexts of their cultures of origin. They may decide to add to their stories in their futures, and we will be there to support them.

 

Lindsay:    You teach classes and write books on the joys and challenges of parenting an adopted tween and you offer advice to parents who may find themselves struggling through the tween years. As the Mama of tweens yourself, who do you turn to for advice with struggles you face at home? Do you think you hold yourself to a higher standard of parenting because of what you do?

Judy: Advice; I wish I could say my mom, but she passed away just after my oldest daughter was born. I turn to friends who are:

·         Adopted adults.

·         Adoptive transracial parents, whose kids are the same age and older than mine.

·         In interracial relationships/marriages and raising multiracial kids. 

·         Not white, nor are any of their family members.

·         Bi- and multiracial friends who are raised by parents that don’t “match.”

·         Who have immigrated into the U.S. and, when going “home,” are viewed as too American by their culture of origin. They’ve become Third World Kids (TWK).

·         Raising teens and young adults.

·         Who are of the same ethnicities as my kids.

·         Adoptive parents

 

I encourage parents to build a tapestry of support and diversity for their kids and themselves. I’ll share that we’ve tried to make sure our kids, including our homegrown son, have an expansive diverse groups of friends, role models, experiences, and exposure as possible. Diversity and exposure are inroads to creating openness, compassion, empathy, and understanding.

 I don’t feel I hold myself to a higher standard of parenting, however I do feel I am a very informed, proactive, open parent because of the work I do.

 

Lindsay:  Being the mom who supports other adoptive parents in their parenting techniques, how do you think your ‘profession’ affects your relationship with your own children(their openness with you, their ability to discuss their thoughts and feelings with you, etc)?  

Judy: My profession—work and advocacy—has helped me appreciate the complexity of adoption, and that of parenting the adopted child. I’ve come to embrace openness as a tool to unlock secrecy, shed light on shame, and face and walk through fear. And through modeling this, teach my kids to do the same.  

I’ve realized that being open in mind and heart is true compassion and support, further serving to “open” my kids and their abilities to communicate their needs as well as promoting our trust in each other and solidifying our relationships. I’ve learned the parenting journey is the toughest “job” I’ll ever love and is fraught with challenges because of the complexities of adoption. I’ve also learned that there are many optional tools to use for raising kids, which is so important, as they all are different.

 

~~~~Head over here to read Part II of my interview with Judy!!~~~~

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Stream of Consciousness.... 'Choosing' Adoption

I've written before about one thing that separates conception from adoption more than anything else, in my opinion.

No matter how it may seem, hopeful adoptive couples are given much control in their journey to grow their family through adoption. Sure, it's a long and stressful process... but we tend to focus on the control we DON'T have and don't focus enough on the control we DO have;

We get to choose the race of our baby.

We get to specify our comfort-zone when it comes to a birth-mom's past behaviors, lifestyle and health.

We can say 'yes' or 'no' to CP, or CF, or DS, or AIDS, or STDs, or ADHD, or missing limbs, or hearing loss, or blood disorders, or blindness, or prematurity, or heart defects, or kidney issues, or liver dysfunction, or pulmonary problems, or ...

Those last 5? Okay, yeah... it's getting personal now.

Many hopeful adoptive couples use themselves as the guideline by which they rank their level of comfort...

"I have never done drugs so I'm not open to a child who has been exposed to drugs."

And that's fair.

"I don't drink so I'm not open to a child who has been exposed to alcohol."

That's fair, too.

"If we conceived, our baby would not have A, B, and C so we aren't open to A, B, and C."

I get that.

I really do.

While Joey and I have always taken the 'check list of openness' very seriously, nothing causes you to stop and think about your level of comfort more than coming face to face with said baby who has A, B, C, D, E, F.... and so on.

When we first learned about Hunter, all of his medical issues were fully disclosed to us; heart issues, kidney issues, liver problems, and more I haven't mentioned... on top of his prematurity.

Here's the thing.... many many times in the 2 years we waited for Baby Smith #2 were we introduced to 'special needs' babies... Downs Syndrome, FAS, drug exposure, HIV, schizophrenia, and more. For each situation we became aware of we prayed, talked to family and doctors, researched, and asked ourselves honestly if this baby, and everything that came or could come with him or her was really right for us.

Inevitably, 'seomthing' always caused us to move on.... to continue waiting.

When we heard about Hunter... and ALL of his medical needs and unknowns.... we didn't hesitate to ask when we could meet him.

Sure, we did our research and prayed and talked to family and doctors but when it came down to it... when we were forced to be completely honest with ourselves and truly envisioned what our future could look like with this baby boy, it was right.

I've wondered many times why he felt right and the others didn't.

When I catch myself wondering.... never doubting.... but wondering...

I'm reminded of one thing;

God chose me to be his daughter.

He took into consideration all of my flaws...

External; my curved spine, flawed vision, high cholesterol, migraines, clumsiness

Internal; constant worry, self-doubt, gossip, doubting HIM, moodiness...

And he chose me anyway.

He chose to look past my weaknesses and unknowns and he chose me... for me.

We walked into Hunter's isolette and spent a few minutes getting to know him. Joey held him, we chatted with his primary pediatrician and nurse, we asked our questions, talked to our social worker, and finally made eye contact with each other...

My eyebrows raised... a sure sign to Joey that I'm asking him a question.

Joey nodded... a sure sign that he understood my question.

And we cried.

As much as I'd love to say that we chose this baby.... taking into full consideration all of his 'flaws'...

He really chose us.

And in the end, his 'flaws'... his 'list' or 'special needs'... are the things that make him ... him.

They tell his story... even the one's that are no longer there.

His 'flaws' are the reason we love him as fiercely as we do... because without them... without who they have made him... we wouldn't be who WE are today.

His parents.

God chose us to be his children.... He chose Hunter to be his son.... and he chose us to be a family.

So maybe the questions and concerns and conversations were God's way of letting us, our human selves, feel like we had some iota of control over the future of our family.

The truth is.... we had a choice.

Except I'm so thankful that we really didn't.

UPDATE on Baby Girl

I have just spoken with the agency representing the precious baby girl who is in need of a family.... the response to her need has been overwhelming and can only be described as a movement of God's love on her behalf! It's been truly remarkable to witness!

The job of matching a child with his/her family is a tall order... home studies, support systems, capabilities, finances, location... there's so much to sort through to even consider someone as a 'candidate' for such a special, but complex baby girl. Those of us who have adopted know this all too well....

I have taken baby-girl's story down for the moment while the agency's special needs department sorts through and responds to each inquiry... it is of utmost importance to them that they respond to each and every inquiry and do their best to find the right match for her. If a family still has not been found in the next few days, we will repost! And as soon as she has found her family, we'll be the first to know!

If you're a family who inquired about her, please be patient! You WILL hear from her placing agency... give them some time and keep praying :-)

I am humbled beyond words at how fast and how far this baby's story has traveled... the intense love and heart for special needs adoption has been pulled out of so many hearts through her story! 

Whether this was the first time your heart has been tugged at by adoption or whether it's been a constant ebb and pull that you've ignored for quite a while.... don't ignore your hearts this time, friends. This baby isn't the only one who needs a special family.... there are thousands more; overseas, in the US, and in your city and state. I'd like to encourage you to research local agencies and foster care systems.... let this baby girl's life leave a legacy by building your family through adoption!

In the mean time, please continue to pray for her... for her health and especially for the special family who's hearts are being prepared to welcome their baby girl home... even if they don't know it yet!