Miracle #5- This boy was born with a fatal heart condition.....

(The title... isn't that 'in' right now?! So sorry... I couldn't resist, but you really won't believe what happens ;-))

If you're new to Hunter's Story;
Miracle #1
Miracle #2
Miracle #3
Miracle #4; Part I  and Part II 

I remember fragments of that first phone call... 

"2 pounds... Hydrops Fetalis... heart anomaly... brain bleed... kidney failure... liver failure... metabolic disorder... Cerebral Palsy..."

and so much more.

The truth? None of it registered.... the only thing I heard?

"He needs a family.... he's your son."

I've mentioned before...

So many people thought we were stupid... how could we voluntarily 'sign up' for a baby who had so little hope for a future? He was broken... and in medical terms, broken beyond repair.

I'd like to say that our faith was strong and we knew, even then, that God would heal him... would give him a future... that he would celebrate turning 1 year old... that he would walk... and run... and talk... that one day, he would even recognize us as his.

His family.

But i'd be lying if I claimed that our faith was strong or that we firmly believed that God's plan for him was greater than the hundreds of pages of death sentences in his medical records.

All we knew was that we were a family that was aching for the one who was missing...

and he was a baby who was fighting for his life... without a family.

And so it made sense to us... and we went.

We walked into that tiny NICU room, blinded by the darkness of the hallways and deafened by the sounds of life support and heart machines. Those sounds represented life... and also death. 

As we neared the very last pod... the one that held a precious, 3 week old baby... what we didn't know was if the sounds that grew louder as we grew closer represented life... or death... for the life struggling within it.

Those moments are nestled in a part of my mind that registers so vividly that I believe it all happened just yesterday.

His primary doctor sat down and asked us to listen carefully as she tried her best to 'explain' the tiny baby who was now staring deeply into my husbands eyes...

She explained about his brain bleed... the discrepancies in the size of his kidneys... the dangerous levels of biliruben in his liver... the damage done to his intestines and muscles by the fetal hydrops... how his prematurity and low muscle tone put him at huge risk for developing CP... how they already believed that he HAD CP... his irregular heartbeat and the measures they had to take moments after birth to fix it... the repercussions of the measures they took to save him... the dozens and dozens of medications he was currently on and would soon be on... how long she believed he would remain in the NICU...

and how she honestly believed that he might never leave.

His heart condition... the one they knew he had in utero... and the reason they were surprised that he made it through delivery at all. How they hadn't really planned to have a baby to revive... to save... after delivery. How the NICU team was in place in the OR "just in case" they had a baby to help. She explained how broken his heart was... that he was facing numerous surgeries by the time he was school age... if he made it that far. How his activity would have to be limited as he got older... how difficult that would be for the parents of a boy... no sports or running. 

It was terrifying.

Only moments before, as Joey held this precious baby boy in his arms, we had exchanged 'the look'. The one that secured this baby's place in our family.... in our hearts. 

It had been decided.

He was ours.

But as her explanations grew longer... as her description of his 'outlook', of the kind of life he would lead, of the number of open heart surgeries he would have and how those surgeries would only buy him time, not a life... it was his heart that caused us to pause...

caused us to rethink.

Because that's the thing about adoption, friends... it's so nice to think that your baby has been chosen for you and that you really don't have a 'choice'... but you do. You do get to 'choose'... sometimes, you get to say 'yes' or 'no'.

She walked out of that tiny corner room and left us to 'discuss' what we would do...

but we didn't discuss anything.

We started at him... memorized him. We marveled at how such a tiny baby could be stronger than either of us could ever hope to be. We watched him breathe... realizing what strength and effort it takes for our bodies to just breathe. We noticed that his eyebrows and eyelashes hadn't grown in yet, he didn't even have nose hairs, his fingernails and toenails were there but they were different... they were too new, his movements were mechanical... not intentional, his eyes...

his eyes.

They were wise. They knew something that we didn't...

and that's when we knew;

We wanted to be the one's who were around long enough to find out what.

For however long that might be.

We knew that we would never be 'ok' with knowing that his life would be short... never knowing how much longer we had with him. But we also knew that we would love every second we did have with him... and if we had learned THIS much in the few minutes we had spent with him, then we couldn't even imagine what more we were going to learn from him.

And all he needed from us... was love.

And we could do that... so we said 'yes'.

But that heart...

It was the one thing that was definite... they could transplant a kidney or a liver, vigorous PT could help with the CP, hearing aids could help with hearing loss, surgeries or medicine could help the brain bleed, an apnea machine could help us at home... 

but the heart; surgery could buy him some time... but it was the one thing that couldn't be fixed.

It was definite... but it was a ticking time bomb.

Literally.


(If you're unfamiliar with Hunter's Story, now is the time to catch up... 
Miracle #1
Miracle #2
Miracle #3
Miracle #4; Part I  and Part II )



Especially Miracle #2.



But then, last year our baby boy turned 1...

And he wasn't supposed to.

Hunter's cardiologist follows him closely....

his irregular heartbeat, a displaced tricuspid valve, a leaky valve...

they're all there.

They've been there.

Never cause for immediate alarm...

still, haunting.

I took Hunter to his usual, routine check-up with his Cardiologist last week....

It was business, as usual....

These appointments always go the same way; EEG, heart ultra-sound, physical exam, discussion of the day's findings, 24 hour holster monitor is put on him, and we go home.

This visit...

was different.

After Hunter's EEG, the nurse left the room... without a word.

My heart started to pound... I was sweating...

the walls were closing in.

Hunter's doctor walked in... finally.

She listened to his heart... with him standing up... and then laying down.

She walked to the computer and pulled up his EEG...

she wrote something down.

I felt the walls closing in...

something was wrong.

"Is something wrong? I'm getting nervous..."

She sat down and wheeled her chair closer to the table where Hunter and I were sitting...

"I'm so sorry... It's not my intention to scare you."

She was quiet... gentle.

"I wanted to be sure I had all of the information I needed before talking to you..."

Here it comes...

"I looked over Hunter's EEG and compared it to the one we did a few months ago... I considered doing another ultra-sound, but after listening to his heart myself, I am confident when I tell you that....

Hunter has...

completely normal cardiac function."

.......

"He has .... what?"

.......

"I know it's hard to understand... it's hard for me to understand, too but this is Hunter, after all. I want you to know that I would never say something like this if I wasn't 100% certain of what I was telling you. And I am 100% certain that Hunter's heart is functioning just as well as yours or mine."

......

"His heart... it's... normal?! What about his tricuspid valve and heart surgeries? The leak? Sports? He wasn't supposed to live and...."

.....

"I know. And you're right... those things were all true. From a medical standpoint, this is a phenomenon. Impossible. But we know Hunter... and we know the miracle that he is. His heart is normal, Mrs. Smith. That's all I know for today. I'll see him again in a year. Enjoy your son, Mrs. Smith... he's going to be 2 years old next week! And he'll have so many more after that."

.....

She hugged both of us... but held onto Hunter for just a little longer. She smiled as we walked out and as the door closed behind us, I heard her whisper to the nurse...

"He amazes me."

And though I knew that the doctor in her was referring to my precious boy, our miracle..

I knew that the real her was talking about our Jesus.

........

The past 2 years have been a roller-coaster of ups and downs... unknowns, mixed in with the promises and truths that Jesus has planted firmly in our hearts.

These 2 years have consisted of emergency room visits, moments when we all needed reminders to breathe, therapies of every kind, CPR, Heimlich Maneuvers, asthma treatments, ear tubes, hearing aids, viruses we thought would never end...

first steps, climbing in drawers, throwing balls, running, tantrums, eating sheet rock, eating dog food, eating... everything, wrestling, learning to talk....

And last weekend we celebrated Hunter's 2nd birthday...

another one that never 'should' have been.

With his 2nd birthday, we are reminded that the miracles that explain Hunter's life are no longer what define him...

because he craves human touch, relaxes when a warm cheek touches his, thrives on routine and predictability, loves doing everything that he shouldn't, thinks that no one can see him if his eyes are tightly shut, loves to walk sideways or backwards or in circles, can pin his daddy on the floor, thinks that the word 'meatball' is hilarious, idolizes his big sister and craves her attention, does something silly and looks to her for the first laugh, always makes sure mommy and daddy know when he does something well, thinks that Princess Sophia is cute, has the most contagious laugh, and has a smile that can brighten anyones day.

That... is our son.

Hunter.

Our fighter.

No miracles would have been fine... the boy with heart and liver and kidney and hearing and muscle and speech and brain challenges... would have been a blessing.

This boy? These miracles?

We are honored that God chose us to be this boy's forever Mommy and Daddy.... we are underserving... and more than thankful.

And regardless of how God chose us to be his Mommy and Daddy, I'm convinced that the real match was made between a big sister and her little brother... 

His protector from day 1...

Happy birthday, precious boy... you have stolen our hearts and have changed lives! 

You are truly On Loan From Heaven.. we're just glad we get to keep you for a little longer than a while ;-)

Just a few things....

I just want to say 'hi' to all of our new friends!

Baby Girl V's story has spanned continents in the past 2 days and has in turn, brought us quite a few new friends ... and while our only purpose was to be God's hands and feet and help one of his most precious angels find her forever family, we're more than ok with new friends, too :-) 

We're hoping for news that she's found her family soon... if you happen to be a family who inquired about her and continue in the process of finding out if you're right for her, please keep me posted; I'd love to know how I can pray for you (or Baby K whom we posted about previously!)!

We have been overwhelmingly amazed at how God has used every one of you to change lives over these couple days, alone... baby V's life, our lives, and so many others! There is such a love and compassion for special needs adoption and I can't tell you how refreshing it has been to see just how many people love these precious babies!

 I have received hundreds (literally) of emails, comments, and messages in the past couple days from people who had questions about Baby V, questions about us or about adoption in general, and people who just wanted to share their story with us. I have read every single note ... I've cried over many of them and have prayed for the authors of every single one.

Thank you for sharing your hearts with me... that you would share some of the most intimate parts of you with me means more than you will ever know!

Our days are busy and I wish with all my heart that I could reply to every one of you who have written to me, but I just can't :-(

I do, however, want to mention a few things that will (hopefully) answer many of the questions and address some of the emails/messages/comments we've received;

* Our names are Lindsay ( me :-) ), Joey, Hannah (5), and Hunter (2)... and we're just a family with a blog :-) God has written (and continues to write) an amazing story for our family that has taken us through infertility, adoption, special needs adoption, failed adoptions, miscarriage, and everything in between. He writes it and we share it with complete honesty (more on us here.)

* We aren't an agency .... there are times however, when one agency or another will recognize the platform God has given us and our hearts for special needs adoption, and they will ask us to help them find a family for their special ones... and we are honored that they ask! We don't do anything but write a post stating the need and share it where we can... and ask you to do the same. It's our readers and our Jesus who do the rest! We have been amazed at how many babies have found families through all of you and feel overwhelmingly grateful that God sees us fit to be used in this way for His glory. We are never compensated in any way, shape, or form.

* We love comments here and on Facebook and are always looking for topics to write/vent about :-)

* Our blog is a safe haven and our biggest hope is that everything we write will glorify God... he is the Author of our story, after all! 

* We're really really really happy that you're here... leave a comment and introduce yourself; don't be a stranger!

3*25*14

Tomorrow is the due-date of our precious #3.

On Saturday, we celebrated our sweet boy's 2nd birthday and our sweet girl's 1/2 birthday (because that's what you do for big sisters ;-))....

And I wish with all my heart that we were spending today anticipating a birth... another birth-day at any moment.

Over the past 9 months(ish), there have been so many pivitol... terrifying... dreadful... days. The day of our D&E... that first Monday when life was supposed to go back to normal, but didn't... The post-op...

And tomorrow. Our due-date. 

It's a day we looked forward to for what seemed like forever...

And it's turned into a day I've dreaded since then.

Since the day we lost our #3.

My heart hurts.

Due-dates don't carry much weight in a typical pregnancy... it's an estimate... a guess. 

But when you've lost your precious baby... a due-date is all you have. 

As the dates on the calendar have drawn closer and closer to tomorrow, I realize that what I feared most about this date was feeling empty or hopeless...

But here I am and I don't feel empty... or hopeless.

My life is full of so many amazing things... and people.

My days are busy.

I'm just sad.

And what hurts the most as tomorrow closes in on me, are the 'if... then's'....

If I was still pregnant.... then what would my body look like?

If I was pregnant... then my family would be in town right now.

If our baby was on the way... then we would be preparing our home and H2 for a new baby.

If our baby wasn't in Heaven... then he/she would be in our arms soon. 

If we hadn't gotten pregnant... then tomorrow would be just like any other day.

If we hadn't lost our baby... then tomorrow could be his/her birthday.

If we hadn't gotten pregnant... if we hadn't miscarried... if we were still pregnant... if our baby was still here...

if, if, if, if.

They all run together, eventually.

Those are the hard parts... the if's... and the 'thens'.

Nothing about losing a baby or a child feels ok...

everything about it hurts.

But my heart is not broken for us or for our baby...

because we are going to be ok... and our baby is safe and healthy and whole with our Jesus in Heaven.

Right now, my heart is breaking for what could have been....

for the seemingly ridiculous things about expecting a baby that just don't seem ridiculous when you'd give anything to be doing them;

nesting... feeling fat... anticipating how our labor and delivery story will end... birth-plans... packing hospital bags...  walking ... the first contractions... 

My heart is breaking for the dreams I had, even if only for a couple short months.

And right now... for one day... I'm going to let myself miss what could have been...

because I'll be forever grateful for what is.

Our #3... always in our hearts... and in our kitchen, too.

UPDATE; Baby Girl V STILL Needs a Family

The response to Baby Girl V's need for a forever family has once again, been completely overwhelming! 

You... God's hands and feet... Amaze me with you heart for these precious babies...

And I just know that V's family will be found soon!

V's caregivers and representatives have asked me to temporarily remove V's story as they soft through the hundreds of inquiries they've received about her... Please give them some time and patience.

If you did inquire about Baby Girl V, please know that they will get back to you as quickly as possible.

In the mean time, thank every one of you for proving that these special little ones are wanted and loved as much as any other sweet child. You all never cease to amaze me at faithfully following God's prompting in your heart to help his children!

Please continue to pray for V's First Family and her current caregivers as they make decisions for V... And pray for this sweet girl as she waits for her forever family :-)

PS... Please remember a few things before you comment, email, or message;

* I do not work for anyone... nor do I get compensated for posting these babies' stories. I am simply a vehicle that God is using to find His most precious babies their forever homes... just like He is using every single person who shares their stories.

* The babies I try to help are being represented by extremely well-known and reputable adoption agencies. These representatives have approached me and have asked for my/ our help... they have utilized all of their resources to find forever families for these special ones, and have not found them yet.

* I do not have any answers to any of your questions... I will always post contact information for those questions that do come up.

* I will not tolerate anyone bashing First Families/ Birth Parents/ Birth Mothers/ Birth Fathers or anyone related to them... nor will I tolerate anyone questioning their motives. If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to contact me. If all you'd like to do is bash or question... you're free to leave.

:-)

Why I can't say 'thank you'...

We were completely overwhelmed at the love we received when we lost our #3...

phone calls... emails... text messages... cards... flowers... Edible Arrangements...comments here and on Facebook... meals... dinner gift cards to give us a break from the day-to-day... hand-made treasures with so much love behind them... jewelry that symbolizes our loss but also what we still have... reminders of God's promises... 

each one came at the exact moment that we needed them the most.

Each one, a gift.

A show that a friend knows I watch every week... the episode that week was focused on one character's pregnancy. Knowing how difficult that might be for me to watch, her text came at the exact moment that I felt the room get hazy and the tears threatened to fall.

The shower is my sanctuary...  one of my favorite places in the world.... the most anticipated part of each day. It's where I can break... where I can be weak. It's the only place I can go where I can't hear the rest of the world... and it can't hear me. I took so many showers in those weeks following the loss of #3... cleanliness was the furthest thing from my mind but I couldn't handle how guilty I felt at being sad around people, anymore. In my showers I would let myself fall apart, sob, cry out to God to help me heal... and every time I stepped out of the shower, I had a new text or email... words of encouragement and love from someone whom God had spoken to at the exact moment that I needed love the most.

Nap-times were hard... a quiet house and a loud mind. I'd sit on the couch and watch TV... it was the only way I could handle being alone with myself. A trip to the mailbox was the most productive I could make myself for an afternoon.... it was also the hardest; the simple act of walking from my couch to my mailbox gave my mind enough time to wake-up... to think. And inevitably, those dreaded few steps would cause my thoughts to wander and the tears would threaten to fall.... and God would wrap those moments up in precious little packages inside of my mailbox; hand-written notes, sentimental cards, tiny wrapped gifts. Every moment was one that had been pre-ordained... pre-planned by my Jesus that is bigger than my pain... evidence that He works ahead of every step I take, in the minds of every person who wrote those cherished words or touched those treasured gifts.

Even among all of the pain and confusion and sadness, there was one thing haunted me... it lingered in the back on my mind, making my long-ignored to-do list, making my escape impossible....

thank you notes.

I take them seriously... my mom and dad put so much emphasis while I was growing up on how important it is to send thank you notes. Any gift is a display of love and represents precious time and often-times, money that someone set aside just for you... time and money they sacrificed with only you in mind. A thank you note is such a small display of gratitude, no matter how big or small a gift you receive.

I have never found myself in a position where I just didn't want to write... or couldn't write... a thank you note. I look forward to writing them... I enjoy letting someone know how much they are appreciated and that the time and thought they put into me did not go unnoticed.

But these thank you's?

I have a stack of them.... all started... every one of them, unfinished.

For months, every time I sat down to try and put my gratitude into words, the tears would flow even harder.... I found myself so overcome with so many different emotions, that words just didn't sound right...

A simple 'thank you'... for unspoken encouragement, for strength, for saving me in one of the darkest times of my life...

it wasn't enough.

And every note I started to write turned into a gushy mess.... an unloading of emotion, twinged with the tears that I just couldn't stop.

Grief mixed with gratefulness results in emotions that can't be explained in words.

This was new to me... a loss of words, in a note that should carry so much of my heart in it... but my heart was broken... and my words were, too.

So those 'thank you's' never came...

I didn't mail even 1.

Somehow, allowing those emotions to flow all the way from my head to my heart, and from my heart through my arm, and into my pen was just allowing them to move through me too much... it made the pain worse... made it unbearable.

I owe an apology to so many people who mean so much to me... my parents, my mother and sister in law, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, babysitters, friends, friends of friends, parents of friends, doctors and nurses... the list goes on.

To every one of you~

Your note has been written... but it remains unfinished. Expressing my gratitude and gratefulness for your thoughtfulness and selflessness in one of the most difficult times of our lives ... it was an impossible task for me to complete.

I am so sorry.

I am so thankful....

and I am so sorry.

Your love for us is overwhelming... your love for our #1, #2, and #3 is profound.

While I can't thank each of you for how you displayed your love and care for us during those few weeks, I can thank you for this...

for following God's prompting in your heart.

Thank you for listening to his voice, no matter how quiet it sounded. Thank you for the precious minutes and hours, the written words, the dollars and cents, the prayers and the thoughts you devoted to us when there were so many other people and things vying for your attention.

Thank you.

But... what means more to me than any note or gift or symbol of your care and concern is the lesson I have learned through your thoughtfulness;

Those simple acts of kindness... the ones that take so little time or energy but translate into a million times their weight in gold... those never go un-noticed...

they are never forgotten.

God's prompting in our hearts... Especially when they concern another one of His most beloved?

His promptings are never 'casual'... but they always require a simple act on our part.

Listen. Follow. Do.

As our sweet girl's half-birthday, our baby-boy's 2nd birthday, and our #3's due-date are all just days around the corner, I'm reminded of what we have, what we could have lost, and of what we have lost...

and I'm reminded that I'm not the only one who has, who has almost lost, and who has lost.

While I can't find a way to write the words to say 'thank you', my thankfulness will outlast any words on a card with every text, every phone call, every sweet gift, every note on a card as I challenge myself to BE the one who encourages and remembers and prays and helps...

because I will never forget those who have been the encourager or texter or caller or gifter or writer ...

for me.

Bear with me over the next couple weeks as I continue to process the huge life events that are just around the corner. This season is hard... and I intend to be honest.

 I know you expect no less ... and my prayer is always that God will find a way to speak through His plan for my life and into His plan for yours...

and I'm up for that challenge, too.

Judging the Intolerance of Tolerance

I've found myself growing more and more (sensitive? opinionated? arbitrary?) of certain things as I get older...

(people who hang out in the left hand lane, for one.)

But there's one that has made me question who we are... or who we think we are.

A word that holds within the letters it's comprised of the ability to break someone... their spirit, their worth... 

I have become intolerant of intolerance.

in*tol*er*ance;
unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own.


I struggle so much lately with the term, itself...

Let's talk this out a little;

We're entitled to our own opinions... check.
We're given the freedom, by law, to voice those opinions... check.
We're allowed to make our own decisions... check.

But here's one more...

We all came into this world the same way... naked, innocent, unknowing... check.

And since we all agree on that simple fact, then there's one more that we agree on, too...

No one was born a hater.

Hatred... intolerance... disapproval...

all learned behaviors.

Whether we learned hatred or intolerance or disapproval from our parents, our environment, or the circumstances of our lives...

we weren't born hating or disapproving of someone else's color or race or choices or lifestyle.

Right?

This is the part of living in the South that I have struggled with the most...

here in the 'Bible Belt'.

Intolerance and judgements flow too easily and too freely here... feelings regarding race or color or mental capacity or disabilities or lifestyle... somehow, there's a sense of entitlement that lingers in the background of too many conversations and in the hearts of too many people.

Words like 'nigger' and 'retarded' and 'fag' and 'queer' and 'bastard' and 'whore' and even the 'less harsh' words like 'stupid' and 'dumb' and 'slut' are acceptable... accepted.

Those words weep with hatred.

And in all of my intolerance of intolerance, I've realized that what I'm most intolerant of....

is tolerance.

tol*er*ance;
the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or 

behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.

It sounds backwards, I know. 

Here's the thing...

We have managed to turn 'intolerance' into a positive term because we've given ourselves the opposite to make us feel better. 

Stick with me...

It doesn't sound as 'socially accpetable' to publicly claim your intolerance of someones gay lifestyle... so instead, you advertise your tolerance of that lifestyle.

You let them pass your test... your tolerance test.

NOT your acceptance of it... your tolerance of it.

"I don't agree with you... but I'll tolerate being around you (working with you, sitting next to you, letting my child play with your child, etc)."

vs.

"I don't agree with you... but I love who you are more than the temptation to be responsible for loving the choices that you make or the lifestyle that you live. What you believe and the choices that you've made are responsible for making you who you are...  I accept your life and the choices you've made because I love you."

See the difference?

When did we, as a human race, decide that it's our born right and responsibility to claim tolerance of someones lifestyle or race or mental capacity??

I'm not okay with this, friends...

And you wanna know something else?

Christian are the worst ... at being intolerant AND tolerant.

And that makes me sad. 

Christians claim to have received the unconditional, everlasting love of the Heavenly Father, the Ultimate Judge... but we've taken the role of Judge upon ourselves. 

And in doing so, we have proven our intolerance.

We say... "The Bible says that it's a sin to be gay."

The Bible says "The sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality...."
(1 Timothy 1:10)

But we like to stop there because the next part is where we come in...

"... enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine."
(1 Timothy 1:10)

Maybe that describes you... maybe not. But there's more...

"...neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers."
(1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

Idolatry, taking the Lord's name in vain, honoring your Father and Mother, murder, adultery, stealing, gossiping, lying, cheating, jealousy...
(Exodus 20)

So yeah...

We're awesome.

Someone you want to be judged by, for sure.

 'For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.'
(James 2:10)

As the saying goes, 'one sin isn't greater than another." And in all of my research, this saying is consistent with everything I have found in God's Word.... in the Bible. The consequences of one sin versus another can vary greatly... but the sins, themselves? No matter how they're portrayed or played out? The way they'll be judged at Heaven's gates? The same.

Yet we still like to argue that murder is worse than telling a lie... being gay is worse than gossiping... cheating on your wife is worse than being jealous of your friend.... having intercourse before you're married is worse than oral sex before you're married... being a single mom or placing your baby for adoption is worse than marrying someone that you don't even love...

 What has happened is that we've decided that we're capable and allowed to judge others'... Bible verse-proven, or not. 

Us.

Christians.

It makes us feel better to think that we could be 'better' than someone else... that what we do couldn't possibly be as bad as what someone else is doing...

and so we've become intolerant.

And in our intolerance, we've turned 'tolerance' into a 'simpler form' of our intolerance...

when tolerating or not isn't even our responsibility.

When you look for antonyms to 'intolerant', you find broad-minded, unbiased, unprejudiced...

tolerant.

And that sounds great!

But... have you ever looked for the antonym to 'judge'?

Try it.

Now.

I mean it....









There isn't one.

Because there isn't an antonym to 'God'.

And His Word simply states that we aren't Him... we aren't perfect or immortal or flawless... we don't know the future, we can't read people's minds, and we aren't responsible for judging others.


And at the end of the day, all that should do is lighten our load a little.

My hope is that we can find a way to raise this upcoming generation of tomorrow's 'judges' to understand one simple thing...

'God doesn't love you more...

but that means that He loves you the same.'


As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
Romans 14: 1-4

Baby Girl V Needs A Family (and a Baby Boy K update)

Hi friends~

I've always been amazed at how God's people move on behalf of some of his most precious, special angels. He's used every one of you to find families for quite a few babies, just from here alone... and he's used you quickly! I'll never be able to thank you enough for faithfully following the tiny promptings in your heart to share their stories... and to ultimately play a role in helping babies find their families.

I posted 2 babies a couple weeks ago...

One of them was met with an overwhelming number of inquiries and he is so so close to finding his home.... and I can't wait to share with you when that happens!!

The other baby... Baby Girl V... she's a little more 'complicated', in medical terms ... but she has the same exact desperate need for a family.

And her family has yet to be found.

When we shared her story a couple weeks ago, only a few inquiries came in about her. Please understand that so much goes into creating that perfect match between a family and their baby... but the biggest factor is the baby's First Family... what THEY want for her. Yes, her story was shared... yes, a few inquiries came in... yes, they were all considered....

but her family hasn't been found.

And that means that she has spent another 2 weeks without her family... and they've spent another 2 weeks without her.

And that's not ok with me.

And I know you... and I know it's not ok with you, either.

There's only so much we can do to help these sweet little ones... and maybe we aren't the ones who will find her family in the end...

but we have to try...

one more time.

Please.

'Share' V's story... in every forum possible (your personal blog, Facebook pages, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, work, email, etc)... that's how urgent this is. Please share everywhere. 

She's scary on paper... yes. She's complicated in medical terms... yes.

She has a family who is desperate to find her... yes.

Let's find them.

Before we continue, I need to lay out a few 'ground-rules', so to speak;

* I am not representing this baby or this situation... I am simply doing what I can do direct anyone who's heart is pulled at this girl's story to the one's who are caring for her.

* The following is ALL of the information I have about this situation... any and all questions should be directed to specialneeds@cradle.org 

If you're not in a place to adopt, you can help her immensely by sharing her story and by praying for her and her family.... and if you're her family, please know that you're being prayed for, too! And always remember to pray for these little one's First Families... most of us will never understand the depth of the pain they feel as they struggle to make decisions for their precious babies.

Baby Girl V's family is out there... they need their baby, and she desperately needs her family! One more time.... Let's help them find each other :-)

Baby Girl V
(I've updated this post with links that can help explain difficult medical terms... click on each term to be redirected to an explanation)

V is a cuddly 4 week old Caucasian baby girl.  She takes her bottle feedings well and enjoys being rocked to sleep.  V has been diagnosed with structural anomalies in her brain, physical features related to alcohol exposure and optic nerve concerns.  Her brain MRI reveals septo-optic dysplasia, bilateral and open lip schizencephaly, agenesis of the corpus collosum, prior intraventricular hemorrhage, microcephaly, areas of migration abnormalities and polymicrogyria.  It’s anticipated that V will have impairment in cognitive, motor and visual functioning.  Her special needs require ongoing intervention by a multidisciplinary team to help her reach her full potential.Fees for Baby V's placement will be $3500 (including interstate paperwork, if applicable but not including travel expenses, attorney fees, and finalization fees).

If you are interested in being considered for a Baby V, please complete our Pre-Application Form in its entirety.

Again, thank you friends... for your prayer for these babies, for your help in finding their families, for your patience in getting responses to your questions, and for the patience you've had with me as I try my hardest to help them, too!

2014 National Make-Over Day

"Make-up is a beautiful thing!"

~ My husband

Well ladies, let's face it... he's right ;-)

I'm a girly-girl... always have been. I love anything pink and I love anything make-up; Mary Kay was perfect for me from the beginning... but then I learned a little bit more about this amazing company.

Founded on the saying, "faith first, family second, & career third," Mary Kay is about more than girls, and pink, and make-up... it's about relationships. It's about priorities. 

For me?

It's about purpose.

 I love being a wife to Joey and Mommy to my sweet Hannah and Hunter... but there's something to be said for having that 'thing' that's just your own. No one can control my success but me and I have found such power in that! I WILL succeed because I CAN succeed!

I'm not in this to make a lot of money... honestly, I just don't have time for that right now. I sincerely love the Mary Kay skin care and color lines and want to see them empower women who mean a lot to me... the discount is nice, too ;-) If you see something you love or want to try, I want to make that possible for you so please, just ask and we can come up with a deal that works for both of us!

It's as simple as that!

March 8 is National Make-Over Day and well, I like to do things BIG... so let's just make a whole week out of it! Every day from March 3- March 9 I'll post a NEW, and amazing Daily Deal on my MK Blog ... I won't be posting each deal here so be sure you click over every day and take advantage of any that look awesome to you! I offer free shipping and will have lots of giveaways and freebies all week, too!

Thank you for coming along with me on this exciting journey... never hesitate to let me know what I can do for you!

Lindsay

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

UPDATE: Baby Boy K needs to find his family!

I have just spoken with the agency representing the precious baby boy who is in need of a family.... the response to his need has been overwhelming and can only be described as a movement of God's love on his behalf! It's been truly remarkable to witness!

The job of matching a child with his/her family is a tall order... home studies, support systems, capabilities, finances, location... there's so much to sort through to even consider someone as a 'candidate' for such a special, but complex baby boy. Those of us who have adopted know this all too well....

I have taken baby-boy's story down for the moment while the agency's special needs department sorts through and responds to each inquiry... it is of utmost importance to them that they respond to each and every inquiry and do their best to find the right match for him. If a family still has not been found in the next few days, we will repost! And as soon as he has found his family, we'll be the first to know!

If you're a family who inquired about his, please be patient! You WILL hear from his placing agency... give them some time and keep praying :-)

I am humbled beyond words at how fast and how far this baby's story has traveled... the intense love and heart for special needs adoption has been pulled out of so many hearts through K's story! 

Whether this was the first time your heart has been tugged at by adoption or whether it's been a constant ebb and pull that you've ignored for quite a while.... don't ignore your hearts this time, friends. This baby isn't the only one who needs a special family.... there are thousands more; overseas, in the US, and in your city and state. I'd like to encourage you to research local agencies and foster care systems.... let this baby boy's life leave a legacy by building your family through adoption!

In the mean time, please continue to pray for him... for her health and especially for the special family who's hearts are being prepared to welcome their baby boy home... even if they don't know it yet!

This is the fun part, friends... where we get to sit back and watch what God has planned next!

I've been promised an update soon on how Baby K is doing and copy that promise to you... I'm hoping we hear soon! No matter what, God's been working hard the past couple of days and I am so thankful that He chose all of us to be a vehicle by which this sweet boy finds his home...

how incredible is that?!

When I was pregnant...

I have so much trouble saying that out loud....

I feel like a liar when I say it...

when I write it.

And I've been putting off writing this post for.... for way too long. I'd sit down and start writing and I would allow myself to be overcome with shame... embarrassment...

because those 10 weeks don't count to some people. 

I know because they told me....

in posts supporting abortion, or articles about 'fetuses' and how they're not really babies, and in the look on their face when I mention my own short pregnancy.

Maybe I was 'only' pregnant for 10 weeks... maybe that doesn't 'count' to some people... maybe my experience was short-lived and incomplete...

but our baby?

He/she was real... living and moving inside of me ... he/she was loved and wanted and his/her life meant something to us... Meant something to our village... Our people.

So, here's our story... the one I need to write, for me... and the one I think so many need to read, for them. 

But if you're one of them... one of those people who is responsible for making me feel ashamed or embarrassed when I talk about 'when I was pregnant'... then you can just move on...

you're not welcome here... in our baby's story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was pregnant...

I wasn't 'late' yet but I knew something was different... of all the tests I've taken and of all the symptoms I've make-believed over the past 8 years and of all the days I've counted... I still knew that this one was different. I was tired.. exhausted. 

And that was it.

The kids were napping and I'll be honest, I was bored. The Sex and the City marathon was getting old... I'd already seen every episode. So I took a test. 

I texted my mom a picture... "WTF?!?!"

(Sorry.)

Her reply? "What is that?!"

Me: "I don't know! What is it?!"

Mom: "I'm the WRONG person to ask... I've been pregnant ONE TIME and we didn't even have those tests back then!"

So I texted a friend... "WTF?!?!"

(Sorry.)

And when her name popped up as an incoming call in a matter of seconds, I knew for sure...

I was pregnant.

I woke the kids up and ran to Target to get a dummy test because, well...

I'm a dummy.

Still pregnant.

I've always dreamed of how I would tell my husband that we're pregnant... sweet shirts for the kids, balloons at work, a cake, dinner made entirely of 'baby' food...

All he got was a sobbing me, covered in snot, and shaking.

(You're welcome, sweetie ;-))

When you've tried for 7 years and 'can't' get pregnant, you have no need for an OB... I've never had one. My internist confirmed my pregnancy and referred me to an OB who could see me in 6 weeks... so I called around and found one who could see me the next day.

Type A. Remember me? :-)

When I look back on those 10 weeks, what stands out to me are the dozens of gifts that God gave to us... memories and mementos of our precious #3....

My over-reaction (not an entirely new thing for me)? My insistence that I see someone NOW?

This time, it was a gift.

Joey and I were able to see our beautiful, precious, perfect #3 three times in the 'short' 10 weeks that we had with him/her. I've learned that this is more times than most people are allowed to see their baby in complete pregnancies.

The ultra-sound pictures?

Gifts. One's I will cherish for the rest of my life.

So much happened in 10 weeks... 

Everyone feels differently about when to announce a pregnancy... some wait until their first ultra-sound (which for us would have been 6 weeks), some wait until the end of their first trimester, and some wait until their gender ultrasound...

We've had so many 'secrets' to keep in the past; secrets that kept us from getting the encouragement and support and prayer that we so desperately needed when tough things came up.

So this time? This time we didn't hesitate.... we wanted the world to know about our precious #3!

The memories we have of telling Hannah about her newest baby brother or sister....

another gift.

We enjoyed every second of telling our closest friends and family... and we got every reaction in the book; dropped phones, dead silence, disbelief, even momentary anger that we would 'make something like that up'... and ultimately, dozens more people who shared in our joy and amazement at our third miracle.

The 'announcement party' we threw for some out of town family when we visited... those memories and pictures?

Gifts.

The changes in my body... both temporary and permanent... all daily reminders of the life that was inside of me... all ways in which our sweet #3 has a presence in my daily life...

Gifts.

The family photos I came so close to canceling...

 

Gifts.

Those 10 weeks passed too quickly... If I could freeze a moment in time, I would pick any day out of those precious weeks just to capture Hannah's excitement at becoming a big sister, yet again... Hunter's pure naivety... our parents' joy... my husband's eyes...

frozen.

But...

'That day' was terrible.

 We knew about a week before that something was wrong. I'd been seen a couple times that week just for our peace of mind, and each time we saw our healthy, growing baby...

Gifts.

... still, we knew something wasn't right.

I don't know what it was about the hours leading up to that moment...

in hindsight, I know God was preparing me as best he could.

My fervent prayer ....

"Heavenly Father... If our baby is gone.... if this is over... please tell me before. Somehow, someway... please. Let me know... please just let me know."

Over and over again.

Looking back, I guess I already knew... because if I hadn't, my prayer would have sounded different... more hopeful.

And it's not that my hope was gone... it just wasn't in my 'now'... In that moment.

"Choose joy", people say.

It's my least favorite line.

Sometimes, you can't choose joy. Sometimes God's silent tug at your heart trumps any chance we have to choose joy...

It was his way of answering that prayer of mine...

It was his way of preparing me. His way of telling me.

I remember walking into the ultra-sound room;

Joey's mom had come with us that morning... my mom had come to our previous appointment and we wanted his mom to see her next grand-baby, too. Joey and his mom sat down next to the table and I went into the bathroom to change into a gown. I remember locking the door and standing with my back against it...

"Lord, please. Tell me now."

And he did.

In a matter of seconds, the bleeding started and I knew...

our baby... our precious #3...

 was gone.

I dropped to the bathroom floor...

I was completely overwhelmed. I was crushed... the pain, physical and emotional, was unbearable.

 I was overwhelmed with gratitude... He did answer my prayer... He told me, just like I asked him to...

and he had given me a few precious minutes to prepare myself for what I'd soon not see on the ultra-sound screen.

Those few minutes were another gift.

I changed into the gown... not an easy task when you're bleeding...

I was terrified...

I opened the door and found Joey's eyes immediately....

my eyes told him.

I told the nurse what had happened and layed down on the table.

Joey took my hand as the nurse probed...

We had seen our #3 enough times that we knew what we were seeing as the ultra-sound progressed...

So we knew what we weren't seeing, too.

This same nurse had done our previous ultra-sounds and she had become a familiar face, a comfort to me, and I didn't want her to have to say it... So I did...

"There's no baby."

The sweet nurse and Joey's mom left us alone for a few minutes as we sat in a heap on the ultra-sound table... I remember feeling paralyzed.... broken.

I told Joey I was sorry...

it wasn't an "I messed up" or "I did something wrong" sorry...

It was an "I know your heart is broken and I want so badly to make it better" sorry.

I don't remember much else from that day... we met with the doctor, scheduled my D&E for the next morning,  drove home...

we sat down with Hannah and explained to her that our baby had gone to Heaven... that Jesus wanted him/her to be with him and that we'll be able to see him/her one day...

And that was all I could handle. I went to bed.

Joey's mom was our rock that day... my heart broke for her, too. We had wanted so badly for her to see our newest miracle. She was quiet and caring, giving us the space we needed while letting us feel comforted by her presence... and when we got home, she and Joey's sister were 'me' that night when I couldn't be... and they helped Joey be him, too. Their support stretched into the next day, too...

The next day? I talk about it here.


Our #3 is gone...

but our #3 isn't far.

The memories flood in every day... my body reminds me of those 10 weeks daily... our sweet girl misses 'our baby' weekly.

People say that the pain goes away... but it doesn't.

Joy and thankfulness can overshadow the pain but it always creeps back in. You find ways to numb it... ways to hold on tightly to the tangible... but you still ache for the intangible.

I'm still learning how to 'do' this life without our #3...

I'm learning how to slowly open my heart back up to God's plan for me... This part of his plan wasn't ok with me... and I've learned that It's ok to be angry with his plan.

I'm learning that miscarriage feels the same for every woman.... it's devastating and excruciating.

I'm learning that what comes next is not the same for every woman... the weeks and months 'after' don't bring always renewed hope for everyone...

And I'm learning how to find hope in His plan, instead of getting lost in what's missing from my 'now'.

And against everything in me that tried to avoid it, I'm learning how to deal with our infertility once again... a process that took me years... and might take me years more.

I'm learning that my pregnancy changed our infertility status in many peoples' minds... but it hasn't changed in mine.

I'm learning how to pray again... because answers to prayer that come in the form of pain and grief make future prayers more difficult to pray.


I've already learned that, Joey and I... our hearts might shatter.... but we never will.

I've learned that our precious girl is a source of strength and faith for me... an example of the purity of youth and the trusting heart of one of God's most eager learners.

I've learned that my plans are sometimes imagined... made up of the desires of my heart.

I've learned that God's plans feel concrete in the moment.... But look flexible and forgiving in hindsight.

Our due-date is close... 

In the next few weeks we will help a couple of our most precious friends ... Friend who cried with us and prayed for us so many times... We'll help them welcome their new babies... 

And that will be amazing.

And it will be hard, too.

But those babies? I love them already. They symbolize the parts of God's plan that are life-giving and life-sustaining.

And in the next few weeks, I'm going to need those reminders.

I can't wait to meet them!

And our #3....

I'll keep learning and changing and loving my precious #1 and #2 until I get to meet my #3...

And that part of God's plan, I'm ok with.