Mother's Day is for First Mom's, too!

Mother's Day is just around the corner and if you're like me....

you've done nothing to prepare :-/

If your family has grown through adoption, I am begging you not to forget the First Mom's in your life.... not only does she deserve to be recognized on one of the most profoundly difficult days of the year for her... but your child NEEDS to see you acknowledge and love his/her First Mama, too!

Every year I try to find a few gift ideas the I think any First Mom would LOVE! Here are 2 super simple, inexpensive, and more than meaningful gift ideas for the First Mama in your life.... pick one and do it... you will never regret doing it, but one day you might regret it if you don't.

And please, if your precious gift is late, it's ok! Do it anyway.

(**I am not a representative for any of the companies below... I do not get anything from them for posting these links... I love their products and think they make amazing First Mom gifts**)

Canvas photo and easel (this is what our First Moms will get from Hannah and Hunter this year (sorry ladies, I ruined the surprise ;-))... and me.... cause I ordered extras ;-));

$11.96

Bangle Charm Bracelets; these are so beautiful and the charms represent so many different moments in your First Mom and child's life!

$5.95

Don't like my ideas? Fine. :-) Send some flowers... who doesn't love flowers?!


Which one did you order?! She's going to love it!

First.

First.

(dictionary.com) coming before all others in time or order; earliest; 1st

The most coveted position one can hold... in a job or a contest.

It's what happens 'before'... the beginning.

What has to happen... in order for anything else to happen.

First.

My babies have First Moms.

Women who's position I will never be able to fill.

Women who came before me.

Women who had to be first... so I could be next.

They were First.

I have referred to my babies' 'birth moms' as their 'First Moms' since the birth of this blog....

I am not, and will never be, a 'birth mom', but that term has always hurt my heart for those who hold it's title...

but it didn't occur to me until recently that maybe 'First Mom' hurts them, too?

Because at the end of the day, who wants their name to have a qualifier?!

But this one.... 'First Mom'... it's so special to me. It comes from a place in my heart that uses the term *almost* reverently...

because my babies First Moms?!

They did not just give birth.

The first people on the face of the Earth who knew about our precious babies' existence...

the first one's who loved them...

the first one's who cared for them and sacrificed for them...

they were first.

They chose life... they sustained life... they changed their life for those precious lives... 

they were our babies' Moms... First.

In today's society, 'First' is something we desire in our daily lives... being the first one in line, the first to be promoted, the first to the finish line, the first to order...

Please hear me...

I didn't carry 2 of my precious babies... I didn't see those 2 pink lines.... I didn't hear their heartbeats.... I didn't feel them move inside of me... I didn't struggle to bring them into the world or hear their first cry... I didn't witness their first breath and I wasn't the first to hold them....

but I will never spend one minute wishing that I had been first.

There are 2 women in this world who came first.... and they deserve to be first. 

Those memories? Theirs. The feelings? Theirs. The moments? Theirs.

And I can't imagine any 2 women who are more deserving of those memories and feelings and moments....

My babies have First Moms, not birth moms...

Because they came first.

First Mama's and Adoptive Parents...

This weekend, I have the HUGE honor of speaking to an amazing group of First Mamas at the BirthMom Buds Retreat! I am SO excited for this opportunity and my prayer is that Jesus allows me to speak truth and encouragement into their lives... 

And I could use your help :-)

Are you a First Mama?

What do you need to hear from your baby's adoptive mama? If you could sit down with her, what would you ask her? What words, if there are any, would make your heart happy? What do you want HER to know?

Or maybe you're an adoptive parent...

What do you want your baby's First Mama to know?! When you look at that precious face every day, do you think about her? What do you need her to hear from YOUR mama heart?

Please help me, friends... share your heart with me... tell me the most precious words that maybe you can't even say! I want your feedback so badly, no matter what phase of life you're in so everyone who gives me feedback will be entered to win a fun giveaway from me :-)

Leave a comment below, on Facebook, or email me (OnLoanFromHeaven at yahoo dot com)... I can't wait to share with you after this weekend!

BirthMom Buds... Opportunity to Serve!

Have you heard of BirthMom Buds?

If you haven't, go check them out...

Here...

or here...

I'll wait...

:-)

BirthMom Buds is an amazing group of Birth Moms who have joined together to support and encourage each other and also provide support to expecting moms who may be considering adoption for their baby....

And as an adoptive mama, I've learned SO much from them over the years!

This group has grown leaps and bounds over the past few years and they host an incredible retreat annually for First Moms of all backgrounds... some who placed years and years ago and some who placed within the past few months... some who are part of an open adoption and some who are part of a closed one... some who have reunited with their babies and some who have not. For 3 days, these women come together in Charlotte, North Carolina and spend time in a haven that is build specifically for them... for their hearts and minds and souls. 

Can you imagine a better place for your babies' First Mama to be?!

I can't.

I am MORE than honored that the staff of BirthMom Buds have asked me to speak at this year's retreat! A chance to stand in front of women who are so much like my babies' and brother's First Moms is the chance of lifetime and I can't wait to pour love and encouragement into them in May!

But here's the best part about this retreat...

2 nights in a hotel... amazing food... fun games... a special goodie bag for each Mama... 

and it's free of cost to every Mama who attends.

Free.

The staff of Birth Mom Buds relies completely on donations to host this special weekend for these Mamas... and they could use our help!

The cost incurred for each woman's attendance for 3 days is approximately $70... and so far, over 35 women have committed to attending! (SO EXCITING!!)

If you've been looking for a way to serve some First Mama's, please consider heading over to their support page and making a donation! They need at least $2,450 to come in over the next few weeks so they can make this the most memorable weekend for their girls!

And if it's just not a good time to donate monetarily, that's ok! They also need a few more things from us...

* Each First Mama who attends this retreat will go home with a special goodie bag! If you own or run your own business, please consider donating 40 items to these bags! Businesses will be mentioned by name in the retreat program and I can't think of a better way to make these ladies feel special and loved by so many people!

* There will be dozens of contests and giveaways throughout the weekend and the staff of BMB needs door prizes of any and all shapes, sizes, and colors! I'll be donating some of my favorite essential oils :-) Do you have something sitting around that you could donate?! Or how fun would a gift card be??

If you're led to donate goodie bag items or door prizes, those both need to be received by April 28 and you can contact Nicole Strickland at BirthMomBuds@gmail.com! (And she's awesome... you'll love her :-))

And if nothing else, please be in prayer for this special weekend... that these Mama's would feel special and loved, that the staff would be refreshed and equipped to support them, that hurting hearts will be healed and that lifelong friendships would be made! Pray that God gives me the words that these Mama's need to hear from an adoptive Mama... that they would resonate deeply and bring healing where it's needed.

Thanks, friends... If I know anything about you, it's that you are the best at allowing God to use you to change lives... and I've seen you change SO many! Thank you for being His hands and feet!

Not just another day....

The pain of losing our precious #3 will always be fresh ... it will always hurt... and we will always miss him/her. 

People say that the pain lessens....

I just don't think so.

And I don't want it to.... I will hold on to whatever tiny pieces of that baby for as long as I live... it's all I have.

Our #3's due date will forever be a day on our calendar that brings me so much pain... and also so much hope.

Because we will see our #3 again.

Losing our #3 was a process... he/she just didn't want to let go... I bled for weeks but ultra-sound after ultra-sound would show that tiny, faintly fluttering heart beat...

the one that never got stronger.

And then it stopped.

I'll never forget 'that' ultra-sound... my world collapsed. 

We had never even HOPED to experience a home-grown baby...

and then this precious baby we had never even allowed ourselves to hope for was being ripped from our grasp.

Tomorrow is our #3's second due-date-birthday... 

And do you remember what is so amazing about that day?!

It's the day we conceived our #3...

our precious Abe.

Our #4.

Tomorrow will hurt... it will be full of painful memories and tears and 'what ifs' and 'should have beens'... but it will also be full of the babies Jesus let me keep here with me... the ones he gave me to hold...

the ones that are simply On Loan From Heaven....

until we can all be together again.

UPDATE: URGENT- Special Needs Baby Girl Needs A Family By MONDAY!

Update below;

I'm sitting here tonight holding my perfect, full-term, brown haired, blue eyed baby boy....

he's such a happy baby... good eater... amazing sleeper... loves to 'talk' already... his smiles come so easily... 

And I'm completely overwhelmed with love for him.

And I wonder...

"What if he wasn't?"

Wasn't full-term... wasn't a good eater or sleeper... 

what if they said he wouldn't walk one day...

or talk...

what if he wasn't 'perfect'?

How would I feel when I held him... 'that' baby...?

But then I remember...

I felt anxious...

Terrified...

Completely unequipped to care for him... to keep him alive...

But I could do one thing....

I could love him.

And I did.

I do.

More than anything in this world.

Because I have that full-term, brown haired, blue eyed baby boy...

And I also have a dirty blond, curly haired, brown eyed, 30 week preemie baby boy who wasn't supposed to walk or talk or eat ...

And all I see is 'perfect'.

And I get to hold them both tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE;

There's a special baby girl who will meet her forever family soon...

She's so young but has been through more than most of us can say we have.

Her First Mama chose LIFE for her...

and because of YOU, her First Mama will be able to choose her forever family.

Every single one of you were instrumental in giving this precious First Mama a CHOICE ....  

That's right... she will have MORE THAN ONE family to choose from as she finds the best family for her baby girl... and 24 hours ago, she had NONE.

Every single one of you are responsible for a sweet baby girl finding a forever family and avoiding foster care.

Thank you for being vulnerable and open to allowing God to use you to be the hands and feet for another one of His most precious creations.

I can't wait to update you again soon when yet another family is made complete!

Tomorrow is a BIG day that will change so many lives... a precious baby girl's, her amazing First Mama's, and a special Forever Families...

A few prayer requests;

* Pray for baby girl's health... that she stays strong as she waits to be united with her Mama and Daddy any day!

* Pray for baby girl's First Mama.... her greatest loss is another Mama's greatest joy and she will feel the weight of the tragedy and the freedom of joy in this decision for the rest of her life.

* Pray for her Mama and Daddy... that they will see and feel how God has been preparing their hearts and home for this precious miracle!

* Pray for every family that sent in their home study, praying fervently that they would be this baby girl's family.... pray for the families this First Mama doesn't choose tomorrow, as their hearts will be broken... and for many of them, this won't be the first time.

And a favor...

The stories of these precious babies travel further than you or I could imagine... this baby girl's story was seen by over 200,000 people in 22 hours. These stories change lives that we don't know needed to be changed... They touch lives and remain imbedded in hearts for days and weeks... and closure is invaluable. Please 'share' baby girl's updates... provide not only the closure someone's heart needs but also share how good our God is... how a body of people can come together to truly love such precious babies. These stories restore faith in humanity and these days, we can't have enough faith!

Thank you, friends... your obedience when God asks us to help these babies never ceases to amaze me... you are changing lives.

The #4... and Our $4

1. 

One...

The gift of grace and the uniqueness of man comes through the One, Jesus Christ. 

The first-born...

Our first-born...

Our sweet Hannah.

2. 

Two...

Unity. In our family and amidst uncertainty.

Companionship... husband and wife... brother and sister.

Our second-born...

Our fighter, Hunter.

3. 

Three...

The trinity.

Three crosses.... they link Heaven and Earth with everything in between. With time.

The third day.... He rose... solidifying that death will never keep us from Eternity with Him.

Our third... not born... just waiting...

Our precious #3.

4.

Four...

Four rivers flowing through the Garden of Eden.

'Four' ... the number of sides in a square...

the number of completion.

Our fourth...

Sweet Baby Abe.

He's here. 

He's here and whole and perfect....

~~ Born December 12, 2014~~

~~7 pounds 5 ounces ~~ 21 inches~~

And we are in love.

And complete.

His story is coming...

it's just as amazing as the 3 before him...

"From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another!"

~ John 1:16

** We've missed you... and we have so much to catch up on! Thank you for every message and email you've sent to check in on us over the past few months... we've spent them immersed in excitement, anxiety, fear, and anticipation at what God had next for our family and the lessons we've learned you know we can't keep to ourselves! We have SO much to share.... thank you for not leaving us ;-) **

Adoption Month~ Become an Ambassador!

We have always done something fun in November for National Adoption Awareness Month and this year I'm SUPER excited to share with you what we have up our sleeve!

First, browse through some of our past NAAM posts so you don't miss out on some amazing guest posts ... you'll get to meet some amazing authors, too :-)

This year will be much the same.... guest posts from YOU, introductions to some fabulous authors, and I'm super excited to add one more way for you to become involved in such a special celebration of what is responsible for the existence of so many of our families!!

About a month ago, I was extremely honored to become an Ambassador for World Adoption Day! World Adoption Day is a brand new movement that we are hoping will sweep across the WORLD on November 9, 2014.... that's only 40 days away!

Participating in World Adoption Day is super easy! Mark your calendar for November 9 and on that day, post a photo of you and your family showing off your smiley-face palm and the hash tag #WorldAdoptionDay...

that's it!

BUT, if you're like me and want to take this one step further, head over here and sign up to be a World Adoption Day Ambassador.... like me :-) Your role will be simple, but crucial to raising adoption awareness and it's as easy as that.... sign up and make a commitment to spending the next 40 days sharing about the significance of raising awareness; share your story and ask others to share theirs! And when November 9 rolls around, post your own #WorldAdoptionDay photos to your favorite social media websites.... and then we get to sit back and watch adoption awareness explode!

And I can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday :-)

If you DO sign up to be an ambassador, I'd love to know! Please leave me a comment here or on our Instagram letting me know so I can watch for post announcing you!

And no matter what, be sure you follow #WorldAdoptionDay on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter so you don't miss out on any updates!

We still want to be sure we are doing our own part in spreading adoption awareness, so if you have an adoption story to share, start writing! I'll be accepting personal adoption stories from now through the entire month of November to post here... simply email your typed-up post to me at OnLoanFromHeaven (at) yahoo (dot) com and be sure you include a link to your personal blog, too if you have one! I'm looking for stories that include parts of YOU... your emotional or spiritual journey, your families reaction to your journey, what you would have done differently, or your best advice for those who may be in the beginning stages of their own adoption story. Be real. Be honest. Be YOU. They don't have to be perfect, grammatically or otherwise... they just have to be you.

This is my favorite time of year... and I can't wait to see how much we can all do together to raise awareness this year!

Giveaway Winners!!

This post is LONG overdue... as are most of my thoughts lately.

Pregnancy brain.

It's a thing.

Adoption brain is, too... I just don't think I expected Pregnancy Brain,

Anyway...

WAY TOO LONG AGO, I was so excited to give away TWO of Katy Simmons' amazing CD's, which includes the song On Loan From Heaven... the song behind my blog... behind my passion for parenting... my passion for my kids.

And WAY TOO LONG AGO, many of you entered that giveaway... and then I left you hanging :-/

But today, not only am I excited to announce our TWO winners...

but also to announce that, since we have SO many new friends here, I'm going to give you a chance to win ONE MORE CD!!

First...

Our giveaway winners are...

Mayfield Madness

and

Mollie Dettinger-Ashcraft

I am SO excited for you two to experience the song(s) that changed so many things for me... whose lyrics have echoed through my mind and heart too many times to count over the past 10 years!

I have your CD's ready to mail so email me at OnLoanFromHeaven (at) yahoo (dot) com with your name and mailing address and I will get those to you ASAP!

And for those of you who are insanely jealous and can't wait to have Katy's music for yourself, here's your (second) chance :-)

Just leave me a comment!

'Anonymous' comments won't be accepted for now since giveaway winners need names... if you don't leave a name, your comment will be deleted ;-) In your comment, simply tell me what your very favorite song is! On Loan From Heaven would most definitely be mine ;-)

And if you just can't wait, head over to itunes and download Katy's music! If you happen to win her CD, it would make an incredible Holiday gift :-)

Comments for this giveaway will end on Thursday, October 9 and the winner will be announced on Friday!

** Coming soon;

* Remember Baby Girl S?! Of course you do... I have an update!!

* National Adoption Day and how YOU can be an ambassador with me!

* Our 3rd trimester and how we're feeling about Baby A's pending arrival... and how, sometimes, adoption seems so much easier... but it didn't always ;-)

Life.

As we near the day, one year ago, that we lost our precious Number 3, I am completely overwhelmed with so many emotions...

That day tragically welcomed me... initiated me... into a 'club' that no one ever wants to be  a part of.

Can I be honest?

I had spent years.... YEARS.... basking in the comfort of 'just knowing' that we had been through enough heartache, enough pain and disappointment, that God would spare us from that.

 Right?!

Of course He would.

We had met our max... had experienced more than our fair share of failed infertility treatments, month after month... year after year of 'trying', too many failed matches, quite a few frantic packing sessions and plan making and plane-ticket-buying only to end up empty handed...

and at the end of it all, at least I could take comfort in the fact that, because of our infertility.... because we simply couldn't get pregnant in the first place... that my Jesus would save us from that... the unmentionable.... that thing that no one talks about...

miscarriage....

and ultimately, the death of a baby.

Don't get me wrong, we have lost DOZENS of babies in our 8 years of marriage...

but every one of them is walking and talking and living today...

not with us...

but they are.

And that loss, though different, never leaves you alone, either....

I know each one by name. I knew and loved their mama's with all my heart. We planned for them... prepared our home and hearts for them. They will always be part of our 'extended' family...

but they're still there... somewhere.

And I think about each one of the every single day.

And then it happened...

A surprise pregnancy came with elation and amazement at the miracles He has done in our lives...

and then it was gone.

Our precious #3.

And our world was shattered.

It took months for me to work through what had happened....

How did God think we could handle this?!

How do you have sex for 8 years... TRY for so long... and then just 'happen' to get pregnant?!

How can God bless you in such an enormous, life changing way... and then rip it from your grasp so tragically?

I was so mad. At God. 

But then it happened again...

And here we are.... 1 year since we lost our #3, 24 weeks into my second pregnancy, and about 15 weeks away from meeting our newest son...

A boy!

I've spent the past couple of months trying to figure out what to write... how to write.

I remember 'those blogs'... I've read dozens of them;

infertility, adoption, loss... and a surprise pregnancy...

and all of a sudden, all of those things that bound us... the one's we had in common... the desperate emotions I felt that were so perfectly placed into sentences were replaced with belly pictures and comparisons of babies to fruit...

those things were gone. The pain of infertility? It was somehow gone.

So I stopped reading.

I won't do that here... I refuse.... but that explains my silence recently...

As miraculous and as exciting as this time in our lives is, our precious fruit-sized baby doesn't change the fact that infertility has defined me for so long.

I'm still infertile.

And I know that that's a tough one to swallow but friends, it's true....

A pregnancy can't erase the years and years of longing and dreaming and suffering and crying out to Jesus...

because those moments, that heartache, is responsible for who I am today.

Those times define major milestones in my faith and my relationship with my Jesus... with my husband. They collected and accumulated to make me the mom I am to our 2 miracles through adoption...

they will make me the mom I will be to our newest baby, too.

So here I am...

31 years old.... 8 years since we started trying to get pregnant... 2 adoptions in to the growth of our beautiful family... dozens of losses through adoption and 1 tragic loss of our first homegrown baby... 24 weeks into our second pregnancy... 15 weeks away from meeting our second son...

and I'm still infertile.

And I'm terrified.

I know how to do infertile....

I'm a pro.

Growing a baby? Remembering with every glance in the mirror at my growing belly and with every somersault and kick that this is what my heart desired... remembering that this is what I asked for, what I longed for...

finding comfort in the fulfillment of His promises...

and trying so desperately to trust...

that we won't lose this one, too.

My heart still aches for our precious #3... and my arms ache for our #4.

I'm wishing time away, friends...

counting down the days, minutes, and seconds until I can finally hold this sweet baby boy.

And as 'that day' one year ago closes in, I've spent so much time grasping for closure to the tragedy that we experienced just one year ago... trying to find purpose in the lowest low and now the highest high of God's plan for us... trying to answer those questions of 'how' and 'why'...

and it's only recently that I've discovered something;

I will never find 'purpose' in death.

And it's actually ok that Jesus chose this to be part of our story... it's painful and I wish he had chosen to let our sweet #3 stay... but it's ok.

God never promises life on Earth...

He DOES promise life in eternity.

John 3:16- For God so loved the world that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will NOT die but have eternal LIFE.

Our earthly bodies and minds will never be able to accept death... we're not supposed to... we're not built with the capacity to rationalize something as terrible and as painful as losing those we love; the ones Jesus put in our lives to strengthen and teach us and help us grow.

The purpose we can find is in life... even if that life flashed by in the blink of an eye.

Our only goal as parents is to raise our children to know Jesus... their creator... the writer of their stories... the author of the miracles that gave them to us...

and by doing that, Joey and I know that our family will one day be complete and whole in Heaven.

What greater gift can you give your family than life in eternity together and the hope that comes with knowing we'll never have to live apart?

The loss of our precious #3 will hurt every day until the day we are all together again...

but we will be together again. And that's the promise I've found in the loss of our baby... Jesus helped us fulfill our deepest desire as parents; to see our babies in eternity... whenever He's ready for us.

And that is the purpose I have found in the short, but oh-so-sweet life of our #3. That sweet baby is waiting for us, giving us purpose and comfort here in this life, allowing us to rest in the knowledge that someone is waiting for us... waiting to complete us.

And this baby... Our #4... our son?

Every wave and every kick reminds me that, while 'infertile' will always be a word that defines me... while loss still feels so close and raw... while fear and anxiety stand at the cusp of stealing my joy...

 new life is coming.

I'm learning how to do this thing called 'pregnant'... it's not easy. I'm learning that the miracles that create life inside of one and place it in her arms are full of as many unknowns and challenges as the miracles that create life inside one and place it in the arms of another.

Today I am grateful for the short life of our #3 and rest in knowing that he/she is safely waiting for me in the arms of Jesus...

and I'm grateful for the life inside of me that reminds me throughout each day that life is what we are promised...

Whether we find the fulfillment of that promise here on Earth...

or in eternity with him.