A Picture While I Process...

I have a few posts in the works but I'm finding it hard to get my thoughts together.... any ideas? Anything on your mind? I would love some inspiration ;-)

 

 

In the mean time... a picture that is just too amazing to keep to myself;

 

 

My Prince and my Princess.....

 



The Best 4 Years of Our Lives!

Baby-girl~

 

You turned 4 today.

 

Four;

 

4 years that went by entirely too fast.

 

 

 

4 years of lessons from you on how to be parents.

 

 

 

4 years of trial and error.

 

 

 

 

 4 years of watching you grow.

 

 

4 years of the best laughter of our lives.

 

 

 

4 years that we'll never forget....

 

 

 

But simply can't wait to add to!

 

 

 

 

A few 'Hannah-ism's' from your 4th year of life....

 

You; Daddy, I have 37 dollars!

Daddy; Who gave you all that money?!

You: Guys did!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Over-tired you threw a fit today at naptime and accidentally kicked me in the chest....

You: "I'm sorry Mommy... where did I kick you?"
Me: "In my chest (and I pointed)."
 You: "In your heart?"
Me: "Yes.... "
 You (very sad): "Mommy, did I kick Jesus?"
Me: "What do you mean, Baby?"
 You: "Jesus lives in your heart, Mommy... did I hurt Him?"
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I was putting something up in the closet and when I backed out of it I ran into into you and you ran into Dee-O...

You; That was really not cool mom.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Daddy was out of town and you and I had pancakes for dinner for the second night in a row... last night was M&M pancakes and tonite was chocolate chip but I made plain for myself;

You: "I see that you have a chocolate chip pancake on your plate, Mama. I fink that one is mine."
Me: "I have 2 plain and 1 chocolate chip... I just wanted to try one. Ummm.... where did you learn to talk like that?"
 You: "I'm not sure, Mama... but I want my pancake back, please." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In one breath; "mommy, I spilled blue yogurt on the carpet and cleaned it all up with my foot but it's ok because Jesus said in the bible that mommys and daddys need to be nice to little kids and boys (??) so don't be mad, okay mommy?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Me: Hannah, I have a Candy Cane for you when you poop on the potty!
 You: I don't poop for Candy Canes, Mommy... only for Chocolate.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

You: "Mommy, did you sex daddy today?"
Me: "WHAT?!"
 You: "Did you sex daddy on your phone?"
 (since I'm not even sure we'll still be texting when you're old enough to read this, I'll mention that I'm pretty sure you meant 'text' ;-))

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

One morning in late March, you came running into our room screaming, "Mommy Daddy, Mommy Daddy... my baby brother's coming! He's coming and I don't know what car he'll be in but he's coming!"

 

We had been trying for a year to make you a big sister and it was so so hard for us to explain to you how God works, that He was working on making you a sister but wasn't ready to give us our baby yet. This went on all day and I finally asked you,

"Baby, who told you that your Baby Brother is on his way?"

 

You replied...

 

"Jesus did."

 

Your heart is as pure as gold!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Happy Birthday, Princess.... you're our world, our passion, our gift, and our dreams come true!

 

 

 

 

*Open*

 

There are so many different meanings to the term 'open' in relation to adoption;

 

As a hopeful Adoptive Parent;

 

~ You're OPEN to various special needs

~ You're OPEN to different races

~ You're OPEN to a history of drug or substance abuse

~ You're OPEN to a history of phychological disorders

~ You're OPEN to an open adoption

 

As a First Parent;

 

~ You're OPEN to letting strangers in to one of the most intimate parts of your life and heart

~ You're OPEN to divulging personal information to strangers (many of them)

~ You're OPEN to a couple who has kids

~ You're OPEN to an older couple

~ You're OPEN to a couple struggling with infertility

~ You're OPEN to a working mom

~ You're OPEN to a long-distance relationship with your child and his/her family

 

 

'Open'

(dictionary.com)

 

"Not closed."

"Having no means of closing."

"Having the interior exposed."

"Free of obstruction."

"To expand."

 

 

When did we turn 'open' into 'let's talk about it'?

 

And by 'we' I mean US... adoptive parents.

Yep. That hurts.

 

Joey and I have completed 4 home studies... you could say we're pros. We answered the same questions every other adoptive parents answers and pen didn't touch paper until we had prayerfully considered every single answer.

 

I'm learning that we're not the *norm*.

 

Why is that?

 

Why is it that someone can write 'open' when asked if they would consider a child of a different race but when the baby that was 'supposed' to be white comes out *a different race*,  they walk away?

 

It happens.

 

How is it that a couple checks 'open' to a child with CP or MS or Downs but when that baby is in front of them, they 'change their mind'?

(Now, don't get me wrong... a couple who walks away from one of those precious babies doesn't DESERVE that precious baby.)

 

But it happens.

 

What makes someone think that checking 'open' when asked what kind of relationship they want with their child's First Family really means 'let us take your baby home and then we'll talk about it'?

 

It happens.

 

How can a couple TAKE that baby home, knowing that they checked 'open', knowing the expectation THEY have given their child's First Family for an 'open' relationship, and then turn around and refuse visits and 'forget' to send pictures?

 

It happens.

 

It happens too much.

 

And it's our fault.

 

It's NOT the birth mom's fault, or the agency's fault, or anyone else's fault... the fault lies with the adoptive parents. They're to blame for the broken heart of their baby's First Mom... the woman who handed her baby to you, trusted you with his/her life, and trusted YOU when you said you'd like an OPEN relationship with her.

 

Is that you?

 

It's probably some of you....

 

"Each situation is different."

 

"We said we were ok with an open adoption before we met her."

 

"An open relationship isn't in our child's best interest, after all."

 

Let's agree that the definition of *open* when used in adoption-lingo has really become, "we'll think about it and let you know."

 

For some.

 

Not all.... but some. Too many, actually.

 

*OPEN* to special needs sounds really good (and easy) on paper...

 

Until you get 'that' call.

 

*OPEN* to a history of drug abuse sounds good on paper.

 

Until you get 'that' call.

 

*OPEN* to an open adoption sounds good on paper.

 

Until you know more, or meet her, or bring him home.

 

But the definition of *OPEN* isn't up for discussion....

 

it's closed for discussion.

 

And *OPEN* IS a discussion. It's many discussions... with your baby's First Parents. With your agency. Some might be relatively easy discussions where scenarios presented to you are no-brainers.... but some might not feel very good, where you're forced to dig deep and possibly admit that *that* relationship is outside of your comfort zone.

 

It's OK to admit that.

 

It's not ok to fake it.

 

While *OPEN* might have various sub-categories (monthly letters & pictures, multiple visits per year, texting, email, babysitting, Holidays, Birthdays, etc.), it's definition will always remain the same....

 

"Not closed."

"Having no means of closing."

"Having the interior exposed."

"Free of obstruction."

"To expand."

 

We can't do much about the adoptive parents who aren't living out the promises made to their child's First Family... I've realized recently (through the heart-break of too many First Moms I know) that only God can change those hearts.

 

But we can do something for the HOPEFUL adoptive parents; for the one's who are getting ready to put pen to paper and decide what they're *open* to.

 

Pray about those check-marks. Consider the best and worst case scenarios. Talk to your agency or attorney or social worker if you have questions or aren't sure.

 

For most agencies and attorneys, a family profile is shown to a prospective birth mom based SOLELY on those check-marks and how they do or don't apply to that specific mom.

 

You're messing with lives when your pen hits paper.

 

You're risking the heart-break of that mom; the one who falls in love with your profile only to learn days later that she can't meet with you because you're not open to an African American child, after all. The mom who entrusts her baby's life to you, only to find out months and years later that you weren't that trustworthy, after all.

 

But...

 

you're also risking your child's life.

 

She may meet her First Mom one day and learn that you were kept from her. She may realize when she's older that she could have known her First Parents when she was young and avoided the painful identity crisis she finds herself in as an adult.

 

Don't risk it.

 

Be honest.

 

Even if that means you're *closed*, after all.

 

It's ok to be closed and slowly become open...

 

it's not ok to be open and end up closed.
 

 * What if a relationship with her/him isn't healthy for our child and us right now? She's making bad decisions and we feel the need to protect our child for now...

~ Send your letters and photos to your agency. Let them be the one's to determine when/ if to send those updates. Maybe it's not possible to maintain the level of openness that you first agreed upon.... but in this case, it IS her decision and yes, you ARE protecting your child. BUT... you still have an obligation to do what you can to be *open*. She may call that agency one day and want/need to know more about her baby.... and the agency will have that information to give her; from you.

* What if she's the one who has stopped contact with us? She isn't responding to us anymore... what are we supposed to do?

~ Has she asked you to stop contacting her? Then keep sending your emails, letters, texts, photos, etc. You send them *until*.

* We didn't specify the boundaries in our relationship before we brought our baby home. How do we know what and how much we are supposed to do to maintain a relationship with her?

~ Ask. Ask her. Ask your agency. Your attorney. Someone. And if no one has the answers you need, send letters and emails and photos on a regular basis... be predictible. A letter and photos once a month, twice a year, every Holiday... you choose but stick to it.


Nope. I'm NOT the best at always keeping in touch with Hannah's birth-parents. I try. I try hard! And life does get in the way, sometimes. This responsibility almost always lies mainly with the Mama.... and well, so do a lot of other responsibilities. When those *things* distract me from something THIS important, I never ignore the urge to text, or email, or send a picture... yep, I could do it more. But I do it. We promised we would... and we do; AT LEAST that much. We said we were *open* and we are.

Are you?

If you aren't, for whatever reason, please explore the 'other side'. Maybe it won't end up truly *open* but for your child's sake and for the sake of his or her first parents, please explore. Talk to another adoptive family, email ME (I have LOTS to share soon about my family's adoption experiences... we cover them ALL!), talk to a counselor, a social worker, somone... just promise to at least be *open* to being truly OPEN!

If you're a hopeful adoptive parent and you checked that box, the one that said *open*, are you ready and willing and excited to be somewhat exposed, not closed, and ready to consider what might feel *out of the box*?

If not, uncheck that box. Please. Let's not be responsible for this hurtful definition of *open* anymore.


If you are in an open adoption, adoptive parent or first parent, would you mind sharing the *level of openness* you agreed upon and the relationship you currently have? It's ok to be annonymous but I think it would help so many if we could share the various ways we can be open!

 



A Tutorial: On Baby Showers

Just one more thing that seems ... unfair (?), different (?), annoying (?) about adoption;

 

Baby Showers.

 

Every woman dreams of her baby shower, much like they dream of their lingerie shower or bridal shower. It's a right of passage, so to speak. It's symbolic of a new start and just adds to the excitement of a new baby.

 

I've always tried to be sensitive to adoptive moms in this area and well, if you don't ask you won't know! As I've done so many times before, (;-)) I thought I'd shed some light on showers for adoptive moms so if you know one, you know how to support them;
 

. Some of us are comfortable planning and purchasing the absolute necessities in our wait to bring baby home... we buy diapers in every size, both boy and girl outfits, bottles, wipes, burp cloths, blankets, and so on. Some choose to prepare a nursery but some are also uncomfortable with what an empty nursery symbolizes (I SO remember that feeling!)
 

I was a planner in our wait for Hannah.... partly because our agency had certain requirements in order to be officially waiting with them (new car seat, some kind of crib/bassinet, one boy and one girl outfit, etc.) and partly because .... well, what the heck are you supposed to do?!?!
 

Most friends of waiting moms don't know how to broach the subject of baby showers so I wanted to touch on a few things I've learned, from experience;

 

* 'Sip N' See's' are a great thought... but if you've read this post, you'll understand why this kind of shower after baby comes home might make an adoptive mom uncomfortable. Some moms might love a chance to show off her baby but traditionally, a baby shower is about the Mama... a 'Sip N' See' might bring with it expectations that a new mom just can't meet. Ask your new mama-friend what kind of shower she has dreamed of.

 

* There is NOTHING wrong with hosting a shower for Mom after baby comes home and NOT expecting baby to be present. With no expectations, Mom can choose to leave baby home with Daddy or have baby make a surprise appearance for everyone to see. This way she is also allowed to enjoy her shower and the attention that is being shown to her ;-)

 

* If you're unaware of any plans for a shower but would like to show your support and excitement to this new family, ask what they need the most. If the couple has prepared somewhat, they still might be in need of some of the more expensive baby items (second car seat, crib, double stroller, changing table, etc) and could use gift cards to a specific store to help them in purchasing those things. We also all know what it feels like to see that completely adorable, can't live without Coach diaper bag and have NO justification for purchasing it... you might just be the perfect person to help her with a gift card so she can purchase that one special splurge item!
 

* If you can't make it to the shower, stop by with a meal. Don't offer to have them over but ask what night would be most helpful and bring them dinner.... and always make sure it's freezable as we all know that nights don't always go as planned. Sometimes it's easier to ask what their favorite take-out is and get them a gift card or call in their order.... delicious food, a huge helping hand, and someone else delivers; win-win for you! PLUS, this more intimate setting makes that new Mama more inclined to let you snuggle that sweet baby!
 

* If you do know a waiting adoptive mom and would like to celebrate her and her baby with a shower, ask her what she prefers; a shower before baby comes where gifts and theme are gender neutral or involve just baby necessities? Or a shower after baby is born at a time when life has calmed and she has a better grasp of what their specific needs are? Let her be part of the planning so when that fun day comes she is able to bask in the excitement and not stress over things that might make her uncomfortable.
 

* Last but not least, no one can stop you from accessing some of the most popular baby stores online and searching their registry. Adoptive parents often-times register in order to get the same perks that other new parents get (10% off anything on the registry after one year, high-value coupons, freebies, etc). Searching their names on some of those websites might give you a good idea of what they like, what they might still need, and how you can help them prepare or settle in with their new family member. You don't need permission to check out those registries once in a while ;-)


Adoptive Moms dream, too. With all of the unfair differentiations between pregnancy and adopting, it's quite possible that an adoptive mom might slip between the cracks. Be the friend of her's who steps out and offers to lavish her with the love and support from friends that she so desperately needs... I promise she will NEVER forget your heart and sensitivity for her!

 

Home Studies; A Tutorial

I LOVE it when you guys send me ideas for my next post.... there is so much to touch on when it comes to discussing infertility, adoption, and parenting! Send me your ideas and you know I'll do my best to be as honest as possible ;-)

Heather and her husband are getting ready to adopt through the foster care system and responded to one of my Facebook pleads for new ideas asking if I could help her travel through the home study process. Fortunately (umm... or unfortunately :-/), I'm a pro at home studies!

That's one thing an adoptive parent never wants to be... a pro at home studies. LOL!

Joey and I are actually getting ready for our up-teenth home study visit this week so Heather had perfect timing, as it's on my mind, too!

I'll start with 2 myths that I fully believed when preparing for our first home study;

Myth #1; Your house needs to be spotless so the social worker can see the pristine environment your future child will grow up in....

Yeah, right. I remember our social worker (whom we have been working with through Hannah's adoption AND our current process) mentioning that, while she never wants to walk into a pig sty, it's always nice to see a family in their day-to-day environment. 

Here's my advice; pick up the house. Don't leave your underwear laying around. Other than that, hiring a cleaning lady the day before your visit will only break the bank... not impress anyone.

Myth #2; It's not in your favor to admit to the beer you have with dinner, the fights you have over money, the time you waste on Pinterest, and the attitude a certain family member has toward your adoption. 

Be real. You're not searching for ANY child, you're searching for YOUR child... and YOUR child needs YOU; not who you pretend to be. No one is perfect and your social worker is aware of that.... show her who you are, how you spend your time (productive and unproductive), how you argue, how you make up, and who you surround yourself with.  She's been around the block... she'll no doubt know the amazing qualities that will make you incredible parents but a couple who admits to their faults is refreshing and honest. 

And a few words of advice....

 ~ Have a snack and drink prepared to offer your social worker. She's probably not going to show up famished or parched but food and drinks always calm the atmosphere. We all feel a little more in control and relaxed when we have something yummy in front of us :-)

~ If possible, have copies of your home study documents within reach during your visit. Most likely, your social worker has received all of your documents from a third party (lawyer, agency, DSS, etc) and things always get lost in transit. Having copies of those documents is not only a safety net for you, should a snag appear in the adoption process, but it can really save time if something is missing during your visit.

~ If you have children already, request a time for your visit when your child/ children are most likely to watch a show/ movie, eat a snack, or enjoy quiet time or a nap.  It might even be a good idea to ask your sitter or neighbor's daughter to come over to play games or out back for a little while. Your social worker will want to see you interact with your child, if possible, but they can also be a distraction and frustration for you when you're already anxious.  

~ While your nursery and home don't have to be ready and waiting for your baby at the time of your first visit, let this visit be your permission to dream and plan a little. A home study means that things are moving and you're getting closer and closer to your child.... it's now ok to peruse the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue, go to town pinning your favorite nursery ideas, stocking up on diapers, and choosing a few cute outfits. Your social worker will want to know what your plans are... which room will be his/her room? What have you done/ will you do to prepare your home before your baby's arrival? If you get a quick placement with little notice, will you feel ready?

Your turn.... what's YOUR advice for our new home study-ees??

How to be an Adoptive Mama... By, an Adoptive Mama

How to be an Adoptive Mama....

By: An Adoptive Mama

* When people comment on how great you look after just having a baby, politely thank them. You may not have birthed that baby but you HAVE planned and prepared for that baby, been up all night every night, stressed over one little cough, forgotten to eat multiple days in a row, and don't even know when you'll have time to pee next... AND, you're out in public!

You DO look great!

* When someone asks you how your baby's parents are or if you talk to them, politely tell them that you and your husband are geting along just fine and actually talk to each other every day, if they can believe it. Your baby's birth-parents/ First Parents are doing ok, too and "yes we speak to them regularly" or "no they've asked for some space while they heal and we'll be here when they're ready." 

If you wanna be nice(er), a gentle reminder on the correct terminology won't hurt, either ;-)

* You will inevitably run across people who think your children look like you, no matter their gender, race, or age.  God CHOSE that baby to be YOUR'S so, "Thank you! But wait until you see my husband... he/she's the spitting image of him!"

* When someone asks you where your child/children are from, tell them that your children are a product of 'the fruit of your labor'... and then ask them where their children are from ;-) 


* When your child asks you why they didn't come from your belly like the other kids, let them know that Jesus HAND-PICKED them to be your baby... and that your belly wasn't the right place for them to grow; Jesus kept them with Him until YOU were ready for them.

***************

* When someone asks you if you 'still want kids of your own', tell them that no matter how your family is built, your children are "On Loan From Heaven" ... and they're really just your's for just a while.

(Do you have any to add?!  Sarcastic OR serious ;-) .... I'd LOVE to include them!! Leave a comment and I'll add it.)

To My Babies; What I Want You to Know

A letter to my babies... present and future;

Sweet Babies~

The fact that our family has been grown through adoption is something you know; It's who we are. It's HOW we are.

And it's perfect.

You will grow up having access to your First Families... you each have a box; in that box is every single correspondence we've had with your First Family;  every letter, email, and card they've ever sent you or us, journal entries they've shared with us to give to you, the gifts they've sent you, every monthly update we were required to send to our agency... everything. It's all there for you to read and process when you're ready. You'll know your First Family as you grow up.... your Daddy and I will always know where they are and how they're doing and we'll keep them updated on YOU. We'll visit with them. You will always know them.

I imagine one day you'll have questions for your birth parents; Why did you choose adoption for me? How did you know my Mom and Dad were right for me? Did you love me? Did you think about me? And many more, I'm sure...

But babies, your Daddy and I don't have a box for each of you... a place where we write you letters and store our memories. Still, there are a few things I want you to know... things that will always be in you but things that you'll need to read and be reassured about as you grow. Things that I want you to hear from me... your Mommy.

What I Want You to Know

~ We didn't do anyone any favors when God brought you into our lives and we brought you home. We weren't saving your birth parents or even you from whatever it was that prompted them to place you in our arms. We aren't 'amazing people' because our family is grown through adoption. Adoption IS our family. It's not even a choice your Daddy and I mulled over and debated about... it's just us. You have done more for us than we could ever hope to do for you... and we will spend every day of our lives doing our very best. 

~ YOU were wanted and loved before we ever knew you.... by us and your birth parents. For us, seeing you for the first time only put a precious face to that love. There has never been... and never will be a time that you aren't wanted. You are necessary for our family to be... for it to exist.

~ You weren't our second choice. There's no rank when it comes to how the Lord chooses to build a family but I imagine some kids might struggle with this as they get older. Did you try to get pregnant before you found me? Did you continue trying to get pregnant after me? What made you decide to stop 'trying'? Do you ever wish you HAD gotten pregnant? Your Daddy and I tried our best to listen to God... to follow His lead and trust Him to bring our babies to us, no matter HOW He chose to do it, our babies were missing and our hearts were aching for you.  We followed a path to you that was full of anxiety, impatience, excitement, let-downs, and thankfullness. We had to travel that path, through all of that 'stuff' to be who WE needed to be for YOU. For that reason alone, we would repeat everything ... our quest to grow our family, all over again in a second if it would bring us YOU. Our arms weren't aching for a biological child.... they were aching for OUR child. For you. You were always our first choice.


~ It's ok to ask questions. ANY questions. About your adoption, about relationships, about Jesus, about drugs or alcohol or sex, about ... anything. You can ask me and your Daddy or your Uncles... they're your best resource for adoption. ;-) When you're old enough and have formed your own list of questions, you can ask your First Parents.... you can ask them anything. Your story... your history; past, present, and future are vital pieces of your existence....  Your Daddy and I don't know the answers to some of the questions you'll have but we will do everything we can to help you find the answers. You deserve to know and it's ok to ask. Your birth parents AND us give you permission to ask... anything, anytime.

` Your testimony began before you were even born. I wish I could introduce each of you to every single person who prayed for you.... who prayed for us while we tried so hard to wait patiently for you. The first chapters of your lives started in our living room where friends surrounded me and your Daddy and cried with us and prayed that God would ease the ache in our hearts until you came home. They prayed for your First Parents and that God would ease the ache in THEIR hearts as they struggled to make decisions for you. Each of your homecomings brought friends and family to their knees.... your precious faces in our full arms were proof that God answers prayer.  People who weren't close to God for whatever reason couldn't even deny HIS hand in YOUR homecoming. YOU are proof of that.... over and over and over again.

~ There IS a plan for your life. Your Daddy and I knew that the Lord had plans for you far beyond what we could imagine the first time we looked at your faces. I don't know if you'll be doctors, teachers, waiters, CEOs, Pastors, lawyers, janitors, or musicians..... but no matter what you are, be it with everything that's in you. Sometimes you'll fail... and it'll suck. Lesons learned, tears cried, anger released and you'll be ok. I can't promise 'your plan' will be easy.... mine hasn't always been. But it will be worth it. It's hard to remember in those moments but it's all part of the plan... the plan that's greater than any of us can imagine. YOUR life plan.

I know there's more, babies, and maybe I'll add to this list over time; but this last one... it's the most important. I never want you to forget it and I will spend every day of my life showing you...


I love you.


More than Diet Coke, and cupcakes, and Raspberries, and pedicures, and Sweet Tarts, and shopping, and Lily's, ....

I love you more than anything... I did then, and I do now, and I will 'when'.

~ Your Forever Mama



50 Shades of Magic Mike

I wrote a LOOOOOONG post that addresses something that's been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks now... I'm not sure where this new post will take me but I know I won't rest easy until it's done.

50 Shades and Magic Mike.

There. I said it.  They're on my mind.

Since I've decided not to publish my LOOOOOOONG post, I'll quickly summarize;

* I addressed "Mommy Porn"

* I listed tons of Bible verses

* I mentioned my friends who are Christian women, wives, and mommies

* I talked about BDSM (I hope many of you don't know what that is...)

* I talked about 'Magic Joey' ;-)
* I talked about how demoralized women are in these works and how we don't even realize it

* I emphasized a million times how I refuse to judge anyone who chooses to read the book or see the movie

* I said over and over how every word I wrote was my own and how they didn't have to be everyone else's, too

* I talked about the justifications I've seen/heard lately from said Christian women;

"There's a deeper story of love and relationships that has nothing to do with BDSM or abuse or control."

"They can't be all that bad because they are getting so much press.... strip clubs and porn don't get press because they are shameful and should be kept a secret."

"Book II of Shades is such a great love story."

"Reading Shades put me 'in the mood', made me want my husband, and brought back my sex drive!"

You get the point.

I'm not posting that post.

I'm not interested in getting into arguments over Scripture vs. Today's World and how different it is from Bible times, or how unfair it is that men are pushed to get counseling for porn addiction and women get off scott-free or...

You get the point.

I'm not posting that post.

I don't care to know what that book did for your sex drive. I really don't want anyone to feel judged by my thoughts and feelings. I do want to be clear that while I don't condone Christian women, especially reading and spreading around a book or movie like those, that you reading / seeing it in no way changes the way I look at you.

I'm not posting that post....

Because when it's all said and done. When the arguments reach a dead-end. When we all just have to agree to disagree. When feelings are hurt and people feel judged....

I just can't stop thinking about my baby-girl.

My daughter.

The daughter of mine who will one day soon see a boy and think he's kinda cute.

The daughter of mine who will, in the blink of an eye, be dressing up for her first date with that cute boy.

The daughter of mine who will inevitably share my passion for reading.

The daughter of mine who will one day not too far from now, be asking me to help her with her veil.

The daughter that my husband will one day walk down the aisle.

The daughter that will one day marry that cute boy.

And the daughter who one day soon, I will, against everything in me, have to release into that cute boy's protective, loving, compassionate, and passionate arms.

I pray every day that he is protective, loving, compassionate, and passionate.

Towards her. For her.

I read about half of 50 Shades before I deleted it, so please don't think that I am judging without knowing.... I know. I read, too.  I am also the first one to admit that I love a good romance novel once in a while! But some of the scenes in that book will forever be engraved in my mind.

And I wish they weren't.

You can't undo what you read or see.

When I think of my daughter, my precious baby-girl, one day reading that book I cringe. It terrifies me to think that our society TODAY is accepting.... no, BEGGING for a book like that. What is society going to deem as 'appropriate' when she's a teenager, in college, dating, or a mommy?

I just don't see how it could get any worse.

I don't want that cute boy to know the awful things that are in that book. I don't want him to get any ideas or think that those things are acceptable or normal in any relationship. And especially in a relationship with my daughter.

And you know what else?

I don't want my daughter to look through my Kindle or stack of DVD's one day and know that her mommy owns them.

Because then that makes them ok for her.

Today, in this moment, I am the epitome of everything a woman should be in the eyes of my daughter. My own mom is still that in my eyes and I can only hope that I will continue to be in Hannah's when she is grown, married, and has kids of her own.

What kind of woman would I be today if 50 Shades and Magic Mike were household names when I was growing up? If Grey sat on my mom's nightstand or by the bathtub?

If that was my childhood, I bet you know what kind of books and movies I'd be watching as a teenager.....

I could go on and on ..... but I'm not posting that post.

Maybe every one of you reading this post now thinks I'm a complete prude... or maybe I've ticked a couple people off.... maybe this is all just a little too dramatic.... maybe I am officially the least cool person you know....

Bible verses aside (and there are HUNDREDS of them.... I've done my research!), all things 'God' aside, porn aside, judgements aside....

My own personal reasons for not finishing 50 Shades and for not joining my girlfriends on Magic Mike girl's night are numerous, and they're my own.... they in no way have to be your's, too.

But the only one I can't justify or move past is my daughter... her purity and innocence.

And I have trouble getting past one more point...

I'm a daughter, too.

"A Baby Won't Fix Everything...."

I'm sure you've heard it many times before....

"A baby won't fix everything..."

Whether you were trying to get pregnant and were finding yourself frustrated month after month, negative test after negative test ... or while in the process of trying to adopt and felt yourself drowning in home study paperwork, feeling completely exposed by the intimate details of your life that you're required to reveal .... all while thinking about how 'unfair' it is that 'other women' can just have sex, and get pregnant. In the midst of a 'vent'with someone you trust (spouse, trusted friend, or family member), someone will inevitably utter these words....


"Be patient and enjoy the time you have right now.... a baby won't fix everything."

While I agree that it IS a lot of unnecessary pressure to place on a baby that is expected to 'fix everything' from birth, I also think that in the world of adoption the statement rings true on so many fronts. 'A baby' is what this whole process is about. It's why we cry, scream and yell when we realize over and over again that there is NO amount of charting, timing, or sex that can bring us that sweet bundle. It's why we bury ourselves in work so we can forget the "wait". It's why we walk quickly by the baby section in the store. It's why we pretend that seeing our friends pregnant doesn't hurt just a little. It's why our 'bad moods' seem much more frequent and a little bit more extreme. It's why going to baby shower after baby shower gets harder and harder and being excited gets faker and faker.

And you wanna know something else????


All of the other crap outside of getting a baby that needs to be 'fixed' was probably caused by the stress itself.


It won't all go away when baby comes....

The fights about when to have sex and who's 'fault' it is and all of the money you're 'wasting' on infertility treatments will stop... but there will most certainly be knock-down, drag-out fights when you're both sleep-deprived and trying to calm a screaming baby.



The doctors appointments and blood work and ultra-sounds will stop... but you will spend quite a bit of time in your pediatricians office getting vaccines, checking weight, and desperately trying to help your baby who has reflux or colic.



The secrets you keep from coworkers and family and friends about why you come to work so late or how much time you're taking off or why there are always band aids on your arm will stop.... but you will try your hardest to hide your exhaustion and border-line depression as you transition into parent-hood because after all of the waiting and crying and emptiness, you simply cannot complain or show your frustration to anyone who might see you as ungrateful.

The twinge of pain you feel as you celebrate your friend's baby at her shower and the hours you spend crying after will stop.... but you will struggle with the differences in showers for women who know how to plan and prepare for their baby and women who don't or can't until baby is already home.

My point?


In the world of adoption, a baby does fix a whole lot...


And in the middle of the wait, when the baby brings with him or her the ability to take away so much pain and sadness and stress....


And since this whole process is about that baby, in the first place...


I've learned that a baby still won't fix everything.


(But your arms won't be empty the next time you cry about whatever stressor comes next...  and THAT is one more thing that makes the wait worth it ;-))

Doing 'Life'...

(Stick with me.. it's been a while and I may start one place and end another but I DO have a point.... promise ;-))


Have you ever met someone for the first time and after spending some time with them, you just get the feeling that they don't have room in their life for more friends? For you?

 I have. I think there's a strong possibility that we all have.... us women, that is. (Though from time to time, I've seen it happen to my husband, too).

It happened to me about 2 weeks ago and I have to be honest, it's bugged me ever since.

You're in a room with strong, successful, independent, accomplished women who have known each other for years and you.... well, you're the new one. You're the one who didn't quite get there in time to make the cut...

Ok. Ok... maybe I'm being dramatic but regardless of the situation, the feeling of being an 'outsider' or the 'odd man out' isn't a feeling that's easy to shake. Especially as a woman.

Female relationships have always been hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I've always had amazing girlfriends... namely my mom, my cousins, and a close childhood friend. I made a couple lifelong friends when we lived in Charlotte, and a couple more when we lived in Kansas; We talk regularly, we know when support is needed, and we trust each other with everything.

I've lost friends, too.

Yes, life happens. Yes, people grow apart. Yes, things change... people change.

Growing up, I didn't know how to 'do' long-term friendships. I had my family and those two life-long, pick up where you left off, grow old together friends and that was enough for me. It was ok with me as people came and went in my life and as I came and went in theirs as long as I had those women.

But I always noticed the cliques... the groups of girls, they always had a 'leader', who did everything together; sports, parties, girls' nights, trips.... everything. Did you know those girls? My high school was notorious for this (no offense, SHS).... it was small and everyone knew everyone and they knew each other since before they were born. They knew each other well and well, it was hard not to feel that they had all the friends they needed.

I never want to be the one, or be with the one's, who make someone feel like that. Like the one there isn't room for. I know I've done it, I'm sure I've done it... have you?

Do you have people that you can 'do life' with?

I had an amazing friend when we lived in Kansas.... there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be lifelong friends. We were as opposite as two people can be, we were both as strong-headed as they come, we believed completely different things, voted in completely different parties.... and we were almost inseparable. Our husbands were close friends and our babies were BFF's.

 

Were.

Over time and distance, she and I drifted apart. I never wanted that to happen (I really doubt she did, either)... but it did.

Those things, those families, seem to be harder and harder to find.

 

 

I grew the most as a woman and as a friend during that year and a half that we had together. I left Kansas with life-long fiends, even though she and I aren't close anymore... there are others' :-). She challenged me to be better. She pushed me to try harder. She encouraged me to change myself for the better. She knew my insecurities and fears and she never made me feel ridiculous for them.... but she was going to make sure I overcame them.

But I'll never forget what she said to me one of the very first times we chatted while our babies played....

"I'm so glad I met you when I did because I was only one or two friends away from declining any more friendship applications. I have enough of them!"

I knew she was just being funny and I thought it was hilarious at the time...

At the time I was happy to have made it into her 'circle'.... I was happy to have been 'accepted' as her friend.

 

I wish 'life' hadn't happened in that friendship.

I know it's been a while since my last post; partly because we've had a lot of huge life changes and happenings, including moving (again!), weddings (yes, plural), and even a few adoption-related 'happenings'.... I guess 'life' has happened lately.



Can I be honest?



(Of course I can... it's MY blog ;-))



I don't think I always 'do life' well.



You see, I'm a 'tough girl'. Sure, there are times when I wear my heart on my sleeve but I am extremely selective in who I do that with. I've thought a lot about this part of me.... maybe it's a strength, maybe it's a weakness... maybe it depends on the week. My friend in Kansas... the one I lost.... she sparked in me the desire to know why I shield myself and my emotions from people who love me.



Is it fear of getting hurt? Fear of trusting? Pride? A control issue?



For me, it's the fear of being vulnerable.



Of being judged?



(Yes, friends.... I, Lindsay, owner and writer of this blog, is afraid to be vulnerable. HA!)



Let me clarify...



For me, it's the fear of being vulnerable FACE to FACE with someone whom I might see in the next day or two... or three... or four.... or.....ever.



The past few weeks have tested my ability to be vulnerable like never before. I've had to admit that sometimes life is too tough. I've had to acknowledge that, while i might look back on a week and see that it was good, my day-to-day is pretty tough. I've pushed myself to my limit and I've had no choice but to be transparent and I have struggled with feeling weak and like a failure and ungrateful and distracted and ... the list goes on.



Have you struggled with infertility? At ANY level?
Have you experienced any part of the adoption process?
Maybe you've gone through a divorce...
Maybe you were fired...
Or maybe you're sick...
Or...



Then you know what I'm talking about.



I have been challenged and pushed and stretched beyond what I ever thought I could handle and here's the thing...



I wouldn't change it for the world.



(You know the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?" I have news for you... HE DOES! And then he gives you the resources to figure it out ;-))



Those feelings don't mean that you're not happy. That you don't like your life. Not even close!


Is it hard? yes.
Do I want to quit sometimes? yes.
Have I handled myself poorly? yes.
Do I act more like a child sometimes than my own 3 year old? yes.



But out of it all, I have learned to be vulnerable.



In Real Life.



Face to face.



I've taken so much time lately rehashing certain parts of my life; friendships, marriage, infertility, adoption, job changes, moves, illness, family challenges and I can now see how God used every relationship and every circumstance and every tear and every sleepless night...



To get me to where I am today.



Yes. At times I feel stressed and stretched and challenged and overwhelmed and inadequate.



But I'm here. With the family I prayed so long for.



And there's no where else I'd rather be.



In fact... I would do all of it over again just to get here.... again.

 

 

I'm blessed.

 

 

(I hate it when people say that. FYI. What does it even MEAN when someone says, "have a blessed day?" Like it's YOUR choice! Ok ok... done with my little rant  ;-) )

 

 

 

In the past few weeks of feeling overwhelmed and inadequate and stressed and on the verge of who-knows-what, I have learned that I am loved. I have family who listens and who don't judge but who know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and they encourage me to keep it up. I have AMAZING friends who know how hard it is for me to ask for help... so they don't ask; they just DO. I have everything I've ever wanted...

 

 

 

And so much more.

 

 

So a bad day? Or a bad week? Or even a bad year and a half of waiting for Baby Number 2 isn't really all that bad...

 

 

If it gets me to where I am.

 

 

Or if it gets me to where I'm going to BE.

 

 

When was the last time you were truly vulnerable? If you're like me and the thought alone makes you sick, just pick a place to start; email a friend, write in your journal, leave an anonymous comment here, call a friend or family member who isn't part of your daily life. Tell someone about your negative pregnancy test, or about how angry you are at your body, or how hurt you are by someone's disloyalty, or when someone asks you, "How are you doing?", TELL them! Sometimes it's ok to say, "I'm NOT ok."



And then when you're done, ask them the same. I promise they won't say, "I'm good!" ;-)
I've leaned that if I'm vulnerable with a friend/family member I truly trust, they each have a wealth of knowledge to offer me... and always at the perfect time! I have some smart friends ;-)




I've also learned so much lately about the power of transparency... it's not only healthy for YOU but it shows others' who you really are; chances are, they know the 'good' side of you pretty well... let them see the 'other' side. The side that needs people.

 

 

I had a serious conversation with myself today and I wondered what the Bible had to say about being vulnerable. One verse came to mind and to me, it sets the perfect example for us of how to be vulnerable....

 

 

"Jesus wept."

~ John 11:25