I Wasn't There....

I wasn't there....

When my babies were born.

 

When they took their first breath.

 

I don't know if they cried.

 

I wasn't the first person to hold them...

 

or smell them...

 

or feed them...

 

or change their diaper...

 

or...

 

I wasn't there.

 

 It's one more part of adoption that I've always been ok with..... but now?

I can't shake it.
 

Hannah's birth-mom was so generous to us... we have ultra-sound photos, pictures of Hannah's birth, photos from her first couple weeks of life, and we were even able to order pictures that the hospital photographer took of Hannah in her first hours after birth.

 

Her First Mom... she didn't have to do that. She had every right to keep those special moments to herself.... and we never would have blamed her if she had.

 

But she didn't.

 

Hunter's birth was so different.... it was rushed and unplanned and scary. The first hands who held him were his doctors as they helped him fight for life. His first moments after he was born were panicked.

 

Still.... I don't know if he cried. I have only a couple pictures of him after he was born and those pictures are blurry (horrifying, too).... it's obvious through those photos that his first moments were an emergency.

But still.... I wasn't there.

 

In our 6 weeks at our first NICU, I met the nurses and doctors who were present at Hunter's birth.  Even though his First Mama hasn't brought it up (I'm sure it's still too painful) each doctor and nurse offered many many times to tell us the story of Hunter's birth. In the days and weeks that we were there, I was just never ready.

I knew it was scary and horrible.... but I wanted to the start of our family of 4 to start when we met our sweet boy. He was sick enough when we met... how could I possibly make it through those weeks knowing how much more awful his start to life was?

So when they asked if I had questions or wanted to know details of his birth... I said no.

In hind sight... I know I did what was best. The amazing thing is that I have access to those doctors and nurses and I know that we can ask our questions at any time...

and we will.

But ...

I wasn't there.

No story or photo or memory can replace the story and photos and memories that would have been made if we had been there.

I have never taken issue with this aspect of adoption.... it's never mattered to me.

Our children's First Parents deserve those memories.... had we the chance for a 'pre-birth' relationship (as many do!), things may have ended differently.

My mom and dad...

They were there when my brothers were born... and obviously when I was born, too ;-)

But just like I'm Still Infertile.... there's still a part of me, of a woman, that wants so badly to witness those first moments of life. The first glance. The first cry. The foot and hand prints. The weight and height. The first feeding.

And lately... it's become very obvious to me that I may never have the chance to witness those moments.

I don't know where this is coming from!
It could be that Hunter's birth wasn't 'normal', like Hannah's was. There's so much more mystery in his first moments of life.

It would be that I have many pregnant friends right now... like, a lot of them! They're attending birthing classes and preparing themselves for moments that I will never be able to prepare for.

And if that's what it is, I don't think it's jealousy....

I think it's one more part of adoption that a woman, a mama, has to grieve at some point or another.

I have grieved over my infertility.

I have grieved the experiences of feeling my baby move inside of me, or nursing him or her.

And now...

I'm grieving again.

I wasn't there.

And that's a hard reality for me right now.

And while I KNOW that I am entitled to grieve....

I also ask myself...

Do you want to experience those moments so badly that you would change the moments you HAVE been able to experience?

For both of my kids... they're first bath.

Their first baby noises and words.

They're first full night of sleep!

They're first foods.

They're first steps.

They're first .... everything from this moment on.


I get those.


So.... no.

I wouldn't change a single moment.

I will wonder... and one day, I will ask Jesus to tell me the story of my babies.

And I will travel, once again, through the grieving process that is one of many that come with infertility and adoption.

And maybe one day I will ask the questions I have to the one's who can answer them....

but for now, those moments are their's...

And I have mine....

And I wouldn't change a thing.

 

 



Miracle #4; Part II

If you're new to Hunter's story, you can head over here to catch up! Remember that in order to read from the beginning to end, you need to scroll all the way down to the very last post... which is actually the first ;-)

 

 

My husband is pretty incredible, is he not?! His post on Audacious Faith and the beginning of Miracle #4 exemplifies who he is as a Husband, Daddy, and man... his faith is audacious. His patience is unending. His presence is calming... and I have no idea how Hannah, Hunter, and I got so lucky! He is a man after God's own heart.

 

I also can't tell you how much his support means to me... he supports me as a mom every day and makes so many sacrifices so I can be home with our kids.... but he also supports ME; who I am. He knows how much this blog means to me.... and how difficult it is at times, too. He encourages me... and he challenges me to be better... to stretch and grow. I don't know where I would be without that man... and the fact that he wrote such an amazing post for my blog is the best gift he has ever given me!

 

If you missed Part I of Miracle #4, head over and read Joey's post here.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Having a baby in the NICU is not easy. In our 6 weeks living away from home, I struggled to balance my time with Hunter and my emotional investment in him and his medical needs with a life that needed to remain somewhat 'normal' for Hannah. Joey did his best to visit when he could... but I got a real taste of what a single mom might go through on a daily basis.

 

We knew we were close. Hunter had hit all of the milestones he needed to in order to be discharged; he was gaining consistent weight, maintaining his body temps, recovering from his apnea's on his own (we were already prepared to take him home on an Apnea monitor so there was 'some' leniency), and he was getting better by the day with drinking his bottles.

 

While no one had specifically told us that Hunter was nearing discharge, the past week had been full of more blood work, follow-up ultra-sounds, and evals than normal... all indicators that discharge was upon us. I had done my best to be at the hospital for EVERY test, every scan, every specialist visit, and for the on-going arrival of test results. His doctors were doing everything they could so that we could take Hunter home and have a seamless transition with up-to-date records for his new team of specialists.

 

(I was told last week at an office visit that Hunter's records are currently over 1,400 pages long, if that tells you anything about the time it took to get current stats and info on our boy ;-))

 

We had been told that discharge usually only comes with a day or two notice and sure enough, one Friday night, the doctor discussed his plans to discharge us Saturday afternoon. Joey was already planning on driving up after work that night so I called our moms and we made plans for the next day....

 

As he mentioned, Joey slept in on Saturday morning. He hadn't arrived until 2am so I was more than happy to let him sleep..... and I snuck over to the NICU to spend a few quiet minutes with our baby-boy before the doctors did their rounds and more tests began.

 

I scrubbed in and walked down the loooooong hall to Hunter's room. I said good morning to every nurse.... friends. I remember feeling so conflicted.... I wanted more than anything to go home.... but this place had become such a huge part of me that it was difficult to imagine being anywhere else.

 

Plus, those nurses and doctors... they were Hunter's family before we met him. They were the first voices he heard, the hands that saved him, the ones who prayed for God to save his life, and the hearts that grew to love that tiny orphan.

 

They were part of his first family.

 

I walked into Hunter's room and headed over to pick him up. I was about 2 steps away from his crib when I heard hurried footsteps behind me. I turned around and was face to face with his pediatrician. I knew the NICU schedule well....Rounds wouldn't begin for another 2 hours and your chance of seeing ANY doctor before Rounds was nill.... unless something was wrong.

 

He asked me to sit down.

 

I was already sweating and was doing my best not to give in to the panic I felt in my chest.... it was the kind you can taste; sheer panic.

I left Hunter in his crib and took a seat.... I knew he would be safer out of my arms this time.

 

Doctor P proceeded to tell me that some of Hunter's discharge tests had come back and they had found a few things that they hadn't seen before in his results. He said that he had spent the whole night researching and talking to specialists to determine what his results could possibly mean.

He meant it. He looked like he had been up all night.

 

"I don't have good news. I wish I did. But I don't. I don't quite know how to say this and I really wish your husband was here with you but I have to tell you....Hunter will have a very short life. I will stick to my plan to discharge him today but have called a meeting in about 2 hours with you, your husband, and some of Hunter's doctors. We can tell you more at that time but I wanted you to have a heads up. I wanted to tell you myself."

 

I texted Joey... "You need to get over here. Now. Please hurry."

 

He told me what he could about Hunter's tests. He had only had 4 patients in his entire career who had a similar diagnosis. I had to ask...

 

"How long did they live?"

 

... "None of them made it home."

 

He said more but my head was in my hands.

 

Looking back, I realize how difficult it must be to have to tell a parent that their child will soon die. I don't envy him. I can't imagine how HE must have felt and how uncomfortable it must have been for him.

 

He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

 

"I'm so sorry. Do you have any questions? I'll do my best to answer them now, if you do but I'll be honest... I don't have all the answers. I actually have very few... we just don't know much about this yet."

 

I looked up at him... and asked the hardest question I've ever asked someone....

 

"How long?"

 

"We can talk about that more at our meeting this morning. Can I call someone for you? Will someone be able to sit with you?"

 

And Joey walked in.... out of breath.... panicked.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Let's go back to the day we met Hunter.... Joey held him, looked at me, I asked him the question with my eyes... "Is he ours?!"... and he nodded.

 

This time, he looked at me with the question in HIS eyes... is he going to be ok?

 

I shook my head.

 

No.

 

Dr. P tried to summarize all that he had told me a few minutes before.

 

I couldn't hear it again. I walked out of Hunter's room and ran down the loooong hallway I had leisurely strolled only moments before.... past the many 'pods' that Hunter had lived in, and past the nurses who had become my friends and family.

 

I called my mom. She was due to arrive later that night and she answered right away...

 

My mom is my best friend. She always knows what to say... always. She has NEVER been without words when I've been in crisis. She's calm and level-headed and always has the perfect Scripture as a reminder for me of God's goodness and grace.

 

Not this time.

 

We sobbed together. I could tell she was trying to contain her emotion so she could help me off my cliff but hearing her cry only helped me. Joey and I would find each other when we were both able to grieve with and for each other but for now, I needed to know that I wasn't alone.

 

"Do you want me to tell Daddy or do you?"

 

"You."

 

I walked back in to the NICU, carefully avoiding eye contact with the nurses and staff who had come to know me so well...

 

When I walked in to Hunter's room, a team of specialists had already gathered around Hunter's crib and had begun their portion of his discharge.

 

No one said anything when I walked in but they moved aside and let me pick him up. I sat down and cried. And they let me. When I was done I placed him back in his crib and watched from the side as his doctors continued their paperwork and assessments.

 

Joey walked in.

 

His shirt was wet and his face was red.

 

He hugged me.

 

We walked out into the hall and met Dr. P again. It was time for our meeting.

It was time for us to find out how long we had left with our new baby.

 

Time moved so quickly. Hunter's results were further explained to us and we tried our best to understand so many terms and phrases that were foreign to us. We both took notes. 2 of the staff who were in the room with us were ladies that I will always consider friends. Neither of them said a word and none of us made eye contact. I knew they were hurting, too.

 

We were told what to look for over the next few days, weeks, and/or months... changes in eating and sleeping habits, weight loss or gain, fussiness, mood changes, and so much more. Joey had already made a plan to have Hunter flown home that afternoon and his transport team was on their way. We made a plan and contacted the team that would greet Hunter at his new NICU. His records were sent over via Internet and a paper copy of them was sent with Hunter on his jet.

 

Joey and I left the meeting and got on the Internet from our phones so we could begin the process of translating all that we had written down.

That was a mistake. "Googling" always seems to be a mistake. 
 

Within hours, our moms arrived, Hunter was discharged into the care of his transport team, he met his big sister for the very first time, and was on his way home.

 

Finally.

 

We had envisioned this day for weeks.... it was supposed to be happy and joyful and the start of something new!

 

But all we were was tired and scared.

 

We packed up and started the drive home with Hannah and our moms.

 

Our new house wasn't ready to move in to yet so we went to my aunts house, had dinner, and around 8pm Joey and I headed over to the hospital to see our baby. Hunter had arrived around 2 and I had received hourly phone calls from his nurses who only wanted to update us and tell us how sweet our boy was....

 

but we already knew that ;-)

 

We met Hunter's admitting pediatrician and were told what to expect in the next couple days at the new NICU. They had his massive records but had much better technology and wanted to re-do some of his previous tests in order to get more accurate information. They scheduled most of his testing for that night or the next morning and we were told that we would be kept up to date as results came in.

 

We took our grandparents and my aunt to the hospital the next morning so they could each take their first peek at the baby boy they had been praying for for so long.

 

My mom and I went in first...

 

I described our time in the NICU here....

 

but I left out Miracle #4.

 

Hunter's doctor had already blown us away with his news about Hunter's heart and our next big question had to do with his life expectancy in regards to this new diagnosis.

 

"We know what to look for but we want to hear it from you and your team. Will you repeat tests? Is there anything we can do to slow this down? How long will be we able to have him at home? WHEN can we take him home? How will we know when we need to bring him back here....how will we know when his time is ending?"

 

Questions no parent ever wants to have to ask.... and my heart breaks for every parent who has ever had to or ever will.

 

"That's another thing we need to talk about. I went over all of the test results with my team and re-did some of them this morning. We can see where his doctors might have thought that A,B, and C equalled their diagnosis .... but we all disagree. We'll do more testing so we can be absolutely sure but.... your baby was a preemie. Because of that, he's not normal... his anatomy and chemistry isn't normal because he shouldn't even be born yet. We can't compare Hunter to what's 'normal' because we have so much more to take into account....

 

On paper, Hunter is a mess. I spent 2 hours pouring over his charts before he arrived and I met the transport team as soon as they got here....I expected to see a very different baby; a sick baby. What I see is a healthy, but tiny baby who has some growing and healing to do but is otherwise doing very well.

 

Hunter is not going to die soon. He is a miracle, if I've ever seen one and he has a long life to live."

And we broke.... with relief and joy but also confusion... so I asked the Doctor...

"How do you explain this?! How did all of this happen?!"

And he said...


"Sometimes we... us doctors... we don't have all the answers. Sometimes... not often... but sometimes God just does this."

In that one day we had grieved the loss of our son and had celebrated the miracle of his life.... again.

It felt as if those few weeks of our lives were on repeat.... we relived those similar moments over and over and over again.

I look back now and wonder how we trusted anyone.

I wonder how we lived through those moments of sheer terror.

How we survived what seemed like an eternity of bad news.

And then I remember ...


we didn't.


We didn't trust anyone and we didn't live through it and we didn't survive.


God did.


Six weeks earlier, as we stared into the too-old, too-wise eyes of our precious new baby boy, God asked us to trust HIM....

With our future. With our family. With our lives.

And we did.

Not because it was comfortable or because we were prepared...

but because He asked us to.


Our son.... our 2 pound, 13 ounce miracle... was here to stay. For as long as God lets us have him.... he is our's...

He is On Loan From Heaven.... and he's our's for just a while.... for just a long while :-)

 

 

 

 

 



How To 'Do' Infertility and Adoption.... the Series!

I'm not sure if it's tax return time, or bonuses, or promotions, or just the start of a new year but I have gotten SO many emails and messages from readers asking adoption &/or infertility questions....

 

And those are my very favorite subjects to talk about ;-)

 

"How did you know when it was time to talk to a Reproductive Endocrinologist?"

 

"How did you and your husband make decisions about IUI and IVF versus adoption?"

 

"How did you know it was the right time to start the adoption process?"

 

"How do we even start the adoption process?"

 

"How long does a Home Study take?"

 

"How do you put together a family profile?"

 

"How did you choose an agency?"

 

"How long did you wait?"

 

I've gotten every one of those and many more in the past few weeks, alone!

 

There is nothing I enjoy more than to look back and remember our journey.... I try to relive it every day in my mind because hind-sight is always 20/20 ;-)

 

Plus... I'm an open book.

 

Have you noticed?!

 

SO!

 

This is the start of a series that will go through the 'How To's" of navigating through infertility and adoption...

 

 

You have to do some work for this series;

~ I need your input.... what topics would you like to discuss?

~ Anonymous comments are permitted so every question can be asked without hesitation or fear of judgement.

~Even if you have no personal experience with either topic but you'd just like to understand and know more.... ask!
~ If you're the parent who is going to become a grandparent through adoption.... I might not be able to answer your questions myself but I know LOTS of 'adoptive' grammas who can!
~ Maybe you're an adoptee and just want to know how we plan to navigate those topics as our kids get older.

 

 Now it's your turn...

~ email your questions to me at OnLoanFromHeaven@yahoo.com
or
~ leave a comment here or on Facebook (Anonymous is ok ;-))
 

 

**I haven't forgotten the rest of Hunter's story... I do promise it's coming but this Mama has been a little overwhelmed lately :-/ It's worth the wait! BUT... if you haven't read Joey's post (part I), do it now! **

 



Chicken Soup for Soul of the Mama Whose Child Has Special Needs

Have you ever read a Chicken Soup book?

 

Some of my very favorite books are Chicken Soup for the Soul books;

 

~ Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen's Soul

~ Chicken Soup for the Teenager's Soul (I, II, III, & IV)

~ Chicken Soup for the Teacher's Soul

~ Chicken Soup for the Soul; Love Stories

 

 

.... And the list goes on and on (Cat Lover's Soul, Dog Lover's Soul, Nurses Soul...)

 

I haven't come across a Chicken Soup book in such a long time but just before Christmas I found a series of mini Soup books, called A Taste of Chicken Soup.... I bought; for the Mother's Soul, for the Father's Soul, for the Grand-parents Soul, for the Couple's Soul, and for the Praying Woman's Soul for many many members of our family as tiny additions to their other Christmas gifts. I was SO excited to find them but wasn't sure if anyone else would be as excited to get them.... I pretty much thought they'd end up on a shelf somewhere.

 

I was so wrong! Each family member was genuinely excited when they opened their books (everyone got 2) and I quickly realized that.... I didn't buy MYSELF ONE!

 

I'm going back tomorrow ;-)

 

The encouragement you have all given me over the past few days (since this post) has meant more to me than you will ever know. We've had some rough days and weeks as we continue to learn how to navigate the 'Special Needs' and preemie world. We know that there is a seriously amazing plan for Hunter's life and since it starts with us, we'll do everything we can to be his voice and fight for the very best for him....

More often than not, it's exciting and joyous and exhilarating to watch how God is growing and shaping our son into the boy and man he wants him to be!

 
 

and sometimes it's exhausting and frustrating and scary.
 

 

But... This week, I've been scared.

 

I want everyone to know that Hunter is doing so unbelievably well! He is working so hard to make up for his 10 weeks of lost time. We're ALL working hard. As with any preemie, there are unknowns in Hunter's future... but today, he is growing, smiling, laughing, changing every day, and is BREATHING ;-)

 

I spend 24 hours a day (most days) with him and I know my son better than anyone (my husband is the closest second!).

And since I know him better than anyone, I fight for him harder than anyone.

And I am harder on myself than anyone.

 

I've been hard on myself this week....

 

but this fight is not about me. It's about our son.

 

My mom sent me a series of emails today... each email contained a picture of a page in her Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul book. She's been reading her book each day and today's reading brought her to tears.... and it brought me to my knees. She knew I needed to read this story.... it renewed my strength and determination to fight for our son.

 

I could copy and paste this story from the Internet but I love how urgently my mom wanted me to read this story.... and I want you to read it that way, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the most profound and inspiring stories I have ever read.... and God knew that my Mama needed to read it so I could read it, too. His timing is always perfect and He once again, brought me to my knees....

 

 Fight for your children, Moms.... fight for your instincts; you know that baby better than anyone!  Each of our children has an amazing future ahead of them, 'special needs' or not. YOU are the beginning of their story. You have an opportunity right now to ensure that one day, when your child tells his or her story, they have the very strongest start it could possibly have because it started with you.

Fight hard and never apologize for it.


** I just ordered Chicken Soup for the Soul; Children With Special Needs; Stories of Love and Understanding for Those Who Care for Children With Disabilities.... and I'm getting in bed right now to start reading! I'm sure I'll have something from it to share with you soon ;-) **



(I have linked to a few sites within my post where you can find various Chicken Soup books. I am not endorsed by any site listed... I just know how encouraging these books can be for anyone, at any stage in their life :-))

 



Fear

The only time we experience fear is when we are faced with the unknown.... but God's perfect love drives out fear. It's the only thing that can... and it will.

~ My Mom

 

If I had a penny for every time my mom has said this to me over the years....

 

Yet, I can't name very many times in my life when I have been gripped by fear.... I don't even have any examples to list (a first for me, I'm sure ;-))!

 

I've been nervous too many times to count.... but I don't think that's the same as fear.

 

But the quote works for nerves, too...  recitals, job interviews, meeting your potential in-laws, first dates, first day on the job, waiting for ANYTHING (test results, grades, yes or no...), preparing for your first child (or second or third or...)... when you think back to those times when you felt 'nervous', you were always facing something unknown.

 

I'm thankful that my list of fearful times has always been short (non-existent?!) and I'm realizing that  I've probably always taken 'fear' for granted....

 

 

until now.

 

 

Preparing for ANY child is nerve-wracking....

 

"what if...?"

"how will I know...?"

"what will we do....?"

 

Preparing for a child through adoption is nerve-wracking in a different way....

 

Because there are so many unknowns.

 

And often-times those unknowns turn into fears.

 

I've mentioned 'the list' so many times in this blog.... and it is 'the list' that makes bringing a baby home through adoption so very different. We have always taken it extremely seriously. We have 4 home studies and 2 home study updates under our belts which means we have filled out 'the list' 6 times. We've prayed about it 6 times...

 

And 6 times, when asked about prematurity, heart conditions, deafness, blindness, missing limbs, blood disorders, STD's, mental retardation, cerebral palsy...

 

we checked 'yes'.

 

We meant 'yes'.

 

 

While I don't have a list of times in my life when I've been gripped by fear, my list for the past 7 months is long...

 

 

loooooooooooooong.

 

Our lives have changed drastically.... much like anyone's does when they bring a new baby home.

 

Our 'list' is now our reality.
 

The list we prayed over.
 

The list that defines your vision for your family.
 

The one that puts you in the pool or leaves you out.
 

That list... or part of it... is our reality.
 

 

 

And we couldn't be happier.

 

Our son is a miracle. Over and over and over , and over again, he is a true miracle. His story (thanks to all of YOU) has reached hundreds of thousands of people. His story, his life, has CHANGED lives.

 

 

He has changed us.

 

And he scares me to death.

(deep breath...)

We're not finished with his story.... part II of Miracle #4 is coming but there is so much more.... there will be so much more.... so much that we don't know...

 

I write about the miracles and forever want those moments to be part of the definition of Hunter's life.... because without them, without God's hand on him, there would be no Hunter.

A pre-requisite to a miracle seems to be fear, or the unknown.

So I will also be honest.

 

Our son, our preemie, our fighter, our miracle, has special needs... he is not special needs.... but he has them.

 

Some of them we know about... and some of them we don't know about yet...

 

they are unknowns....

 

And what we don't know scares me to death.

The challenge I'm facing this week (because there will be a new one next week), is trying to balance the peace and rest I find in the story of my son's life, with the reality of the fear that seems to have it's hold on me.

 

 

 

I'm new to fear.

 

 

I don't know how 'to do' fear.

 

Satan caught me in the grips of fear today... in a moment of weakness that is slowly beginning to turn into a moment of strength...

 

because I've learned that in times of fear, I am my strongest.

 

In today's moment of fear, Joey was in a meeting so I called my mom... at work... in hysterical tears.... sobbing.... ugly cry....

 

There was a pit in my stomach, a burning, consuming desire to know more, because what I know isn't enough... I don't want to wait, I want to know. NOW.

 

And my mom said, "Hmmm... that sounds familiar."

 

I could hear the smile in her voice... 'waiting' has never been my strong suite ;-)

 

And then....

 

"The only time we experience fear is when we are faced with the unknown.... but God's perfect love drives out fear. It's the only thing that can... and it has and it will."

 

 3

 

The number of times we have prepared ourselves and our friends and family for our son's death.

 

1

 

The number of times we were prepped on what to look for when his last days were near.

 

3

 

The number of times we were told that he wasn't going to die.

 

6

 

The number of times the term 'disorder' has been associated with our son.

 

6

 

The number of times I've 'gently reminded' someone that prematurity is not a disorder in and of itself.

 

.....

 

 

The number of times we have fought for more.... for better, for our son;

 

Countless.

 

The number of times we have been paralyzed with fear of the unknown... of his past, present, and future;

 

Countless.

 

The number of times God has obviously and intentionally placed people in our path who have reminded us of God's grace, of his hand on our son's life, of his hand on our lives... who have hugged us and cried with us and who have spent hours upon hours on their knees in prayer for our sweet boy and for us, and who have screamed and yelled in celebration when those prayers were answered... the number of emails, texts, comments, and shares that remind us daily of the support we have been blessed with, that no matter how scared we are or how many unknowns we face, God is using our son to change lives...

 

the number of times our fears have turned to thanksgiving...

 

countless.

 

 

'Fear' might be today's reality... but I can't let it become my reality.

 

Yes, our son is special. He's a miracle.

 

I have been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.... by His perfect love.

 

My son has been saved by that same love and grace...

 

That is our reality. It will always be our reality and I pray every single day that we never come to expect or count on God's miracles...

 

because I want every one of them... and there will be more... to be new and exciting.

 

But everything new and exciting came from fear.

 

And that's where we grow.
 

 

So, if fear and the unknown are pre-requitites for the (many more!) miracles we know we will see in our son's future;

 

The number of times the past... our fears.... will repeat themselves...

 

countless.

 

 And once again, His perfect love will drive out our fear (1 John 4:18) ....

And we will be left with (another) miracle!



Deming Becomes Simeon... HE FOUND HIS FAMILY!!!!

I have been completely overwhelmed this week on how devoted you all have been to sharing sweet Deming's story! Reader Bethany let me know early this morning that Deming has become SIMEON and he has found his family.... his HUGE BEAUTIFUL FAMILY!!!!

 

 
 

 

I don't know the full story yet but I do believe that YOUR 'shares' let his family to him!

 

How amazing is that?!

 

Sweet Simeon's family is in need and I have promised them that I will continue to do what I can to being baby boy home and as soon as possible...

 

 

Simeon's adoption costs are $15,000 and the fees are due NOW.
 

 

His family has asked that, should anyone feel led, donations be made in Simeon's name so his new family and his First Family can continue on in their journey to get to know each other better and start their new lives together.

(If you've ever been part of the adoption process, you know how difficult it is to ask for donations.... please don't judge. Support if you can and move on if you can't.)

 
 

If you feel led to make a donation to help bring Simeon home, head over here... any amount, even just prayers and thanks for all God has done, will go far in helping Simeon's family.
 

 

AND, if you're the parent or family member of a special needs child, you also know what kind of financial future they could be looking at.... please help if you can!
 

 

And lastly, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for once again proving that we have the BEST of the BEST supporting US and following our own story.... your faithfulness and heart for God's babies has been shown yet AGAIN and that's why I love you all so much! If you did share Deming's plead for a family, please share the news that his family has found him and their need for some support!


Psalm 68:5-6 -
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.  

** To continue following Simeon on his journey, follow The Richards' here **

A Date on a Timeline....

Christmas gifts under 26+ trees that will never be opened.

The beds that are unmade and sheets that are wrinkled from embracing and warming tiny bodies night after night after....

The clothes in the washing machine and dryer.

Reminder calls from doctors and dentists for appointments that have been scheduled for months.

The plane tickets that were purchased weeks ago for a long-overdue Christmas vacation.

Dance classes. Basketball games. Piano lessons.

The dogs that wait by the door at the same time every afternoon.

All on my mind this morning....

As we come out of the fog of last Friday and the tragedy it will always be remembered for, our Facebook and Twitter feeds, the news, magazines, and general chit-chat remain saturated with prayer, speculation, well-wishes, questions, love for those who are close to us and for those who aren't, for family and for strangers, and tears... the news, magazines, FB, and Twitter will eventually find something new to discuss...

Friday, December 14, 2012 will become an event on a timeline.

Our children, many of them 5, 6, or 7 years old, will talk about December 14 for a few minutes in their high school History class. Our grown children will analyze the day's events in their college Psychology course.

Friday, December 14, 2012 will become a 'September 11, 2001' or an 'April 20, 1999' or 'April 19, 1995' or 'January 8, 2011' or 'April 16, 2007' or 'July 20, 2012'.

Do those dates stand out to you? Besides 9/11... do you remember the others?

They were devastating. I'm sure the majority of us remember where we were and what we were doing when Special Reports and show interruptions first aired. Now, they're all dates on a timeline. In History books. Adults remember them and our children will learn about them.

We learn to play the blame-game at an early age...

"He did it!"

"No! She did it!"

"But the other kids did it, too!"

And we never really grow out of it....

"I've asked you a million times and now look what happened!"

"If you had just listened!"

"I tried to warn you!"

We place blame for bad behavior.... but take credit for good.

We place blame for mistakes.... but take credit for our selflessness and good intention.

We administer blame for things we don't understand.... and boast about what we do.

And when disaster and tragedy strike and we are left confused and angry and scared we do what we learned to do at a young age...

We blame personality disorders....

Or medication....

Or insanity....

Or parents....

Or guns....


We feel the devastation of a tragedy like the one at Sandy Hook and once the devastation and shock start to fade, why must we find someone or something to blame when the answer to every question is clear... and has been clear since the very beginning of time...

Just as sin entered the world through one man, and death resulted from sin, therefore everyone dies, because everyone has sinned.
Romans 5:12


Sin.

Nothing explains or excuses the choice a person makes when he or she takes lives.
Nothing will ever make that ok.
Nothing will ever ease the pain for those of us who are left behind... who have to live in the aftermath.



Whatever form it comes in is painful, but death is no surprise.



'Sin' feels like such an abstract concept to many of us but the truth is that sin is one of the most tangible concepts one can imagine...

we're surrounded by it.

Some sins are emotional and affect us from within.

And some are physical and affect the people and things around us.

But it's all sin.

What's our goal in this game we play?

Are we trying to understand something?

How will we ever understand what could push someone to do something so unthinkable?

Are we trying to fill the huge void that we're left with?

It can't be filled. It shouldn't be filled. Those sweet babies and their teachers deserve to keep the space they've left behind... we can't take it away.

Are we trying to prevent such tragedy, such an enormous loss of life from happening again?

Cars kill more people each year than handguns. We can't prevent death. While it's natural to want to try and prevent *this kind of death*, just like trying to prevent death from Cancer or anything else, arguing and blaming and pointing aren't the answers.

We have to stop.

We have to stop turning tragedy into conflict and a date.

We like to say that these tragedies bring us together ...

Do they? For how long? A few days? Because here today, 3 days later, all I see and hear is conflict and arguing and blaming when I turn on the TV, Internet, or radio...

Not unity.

Tragedy is inevitable and something like this will happen again... no matter what laws change or how medication is controlled.

It's a harsh reality.... one that brings us no comfort.

And maybe hearing it today, on December 17, 2012 stings more than it would have on December 13 but it's still our reality every day.


What CAN we do?


The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace
Romans 6:8


We can decide that we will spend OUR time, the time we have left, teaching, speaking, and breathing HOPE.


Sin + Earth= Death
Sin + Hope= Heaven


It's a simple equation, really.

It won't prevent sin and it won't prevent death.


But it will save lives.


For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not die but have eternal life.
John 3:16


I wish we could rest in HOPE as a nation.... one that's grounded 'under God'.

It can be enough.

It is enough.

No more arguing.... no more blaming... no more questioning...

just hope.

Just taking comfort in the promise that, though sin is inevitable no matter how hard we try to prevent or diminish it, and death will come....


that there's still life to live...

and life to look forward to.


Turning tragedy into HOPE does not in any way symbolize 'moving on' or 'getting over it' but it does symbolize healing and understanding, which I believe are what we are desperately reaching for in our blame-game. Healing.

We can't change what happened....and we can argue about changing the laws and changing security and changing limitations... but nothing will change what's done.

I know that hurts.

Christ offers healing;

Whether one dies in a car, in a hospital, on a plane, at work, at school, or at point-blank range... or whether One dies hanging on a cross with nails and thorns through His flesh...


HOPE can result from death.


And without HOPE.... there is nothing.


I will choose to take comfort in knowing that while we lost precious lives in a horrible tragedy, that LIFE is the final result. And I will choose to pray for my children every day. I will pray for 20 parents... that they can find HOPE through Him... through God who is difficult to understand and is even hard to love, at times... but who holds their children, their lives, safely in His arms.

We will see death again... we will be surprised by it again... we will cry again... and argue again... and blame again...


And then we have to choose HOPE again.


Lives have been lost. Precious, innocent lives.

And lives can be saved...

through change? maybe

through new laws? maybe

through HOPE?

Absolutely.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:9


HOPE.


Choose HOPE. Hold your loved ones close. Grieve for the lives lost and the tremendous suffering left behind. Pray for our leaders as they try to make sense out of senselessness. Remember those precious children for what all children represent; innocence, trust, and purity. Don't turn December 14 into a dot on a timeline... turn it into HOPE.



Go to Hell. There's No Room for You Here...

Like my title?

 

 

Rough day.

 

 

I learn lessons every single day from our son. I learn them from Hannah, too.

 

Hunter has rocked my world.... he challenges me, makes me explore myself, pushes my limits, strengthens my faith, and never fails to make me smile.

 

In the 7 months since meeting Hunter, 'bad days' have a new meaning to me. No longer does flat hair, a broken nail, a stubbed toe, a sore throat, a dead battery, or getting up 30 minutes late cause me to pause. I don't have time, #1. #2, those things take a back seat (as in, the back of a full-size bus, seat) to the 'what if's' and 'maybe's' that 'could' creep up at a moments notice.

 

I imagine this is true for the parent of any preemie or special needs child.

 

And we've had some truly bad days.

 

BUT, our kids are home safe and sound with us tonight.... unlike the 16 year old girl who went missing just 2 miles away from us on Sunday night :-(

 

Our kids are HOME.... and not in critical condition or living out their last few days in the hospital or on hospice :-(

 

Our family is whole and not divided by distance, emotion, or circumstance.

 

So a 'bad day' isn't really all that bad.

 

Today wasn't all that bad. Actually, nothing about today was bad... it was a great day!

 

Still, some days are rough. Not bad. Just rough. Emotionally, physically, mentally and any other 'ally there is.

 

So today was a rough day.

 

We realize that we haven't given you a clear picture of who Hunter is today.... of his health or his growth and development. It's coming, I promise. There's more to Hunter's story we feel that we need to share before we can introduce you to the Hunter we know today.

 

For now, tonight, the lessons I've learned today have left me exhausted... physically, emotionally, mentally.... and a few more 'ally's. 

 

Hunter had 3 doctor's appointments today. If you know any detail at all of the past 7 months of our lives (if you don't, you soon will), you know that 3 appointments in one day is NOTHING. I know this. I haven't missed one of them.

As hard as I try to stay positive and think only of the MANY miracles God has done in our son's life... in our lives.... there are still days when Satan manages to push past every miracle and every ounce of strength I have left. He gets in.

 

I let him get in.

 

Because some days I'm just tired. Because my cup of strength and optimism and faith is nearing 'empty'.

 

It's no one's fault but my own. I know this, too.

 

Our 3 appointments today were great appointments.... Hunter IS growing and progressing and his doctor's continue to be amazed at is strength and will to fight.... to win.

 

But there are still things he's fighting. And if you're a parent, there's nothing in this world that is harder than to watch your child fight... a bad habit, an illness, another person, being sick, exhaustion, their past, their future. It is what I only know to be, so far, the hardest part of being a parent.

 

The only things I can control on a daily basis in our 'new normal' are how often I hug my kids, how many times I pray for them, my attitude when talking to 'difficult' doctors or nurses or receptionists or insurance companies, and what memories of the day I choose to take to bed with me....

 

And what 'what if's' or 'could be's' or 'maybe's' I tell to 'go to Hell'. Literally. There's no room for those here.

 

Satan always seems to work his way in.... to our marriage, finances, families, promotions, and doctor's appointments that are full of good news. He gets in.

 

We let him in.

 

Today was a good day..... it had rough parts....

 

It contained elements of worry and doubt and fear and de ja vue but it ended with bath-time, pizza delivery, funny jokes from Hannah, and books at bedtime... and a milestone we will never forget.

 

It was a good day.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

What?! You want to know about today's forever-memorable milestone?

 

I thought you'd never ask... ;-)

 

Make sure you've read about Miracle #3; the day Hunter stopped breathing....

 

And  then I'll let the picture do all of the explaining...

 

 

 

 

 

Today, Hunter graduated from the Infant Apnea Program!

 

Translation; By all medical terms and definitions, Hunter no longer has Apnea! He has learned how to remember to breathe.

 

Today is a HUGE day for him... and, as you can see, he's quite proud of himself ;-)

 

So.... Today was a good day... a rough one.... but a good one...

 

 

Those rough parts?
 

They can just go to Hell.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Joey and I want to thank every single one of you who have shared Hunter's story.... on Facebook, Twitter, by email, or by word of mouth. His story is greatly impacting people's lives and God's Kingdom. Seeing your 'shares', 'likes', 'tweets' and reading your emails and comments really do keep us going and wanting to continue sharing his story....

 

His miraculous story.

 

 

For God's glory alone is why we share like we do.

 

 

Please keep sharing and tweeting and commenting and liking.... you never know who needs a little 'miracle' in their life tonight...

 

 

After all, who out of all of us doesn't need a miracle?!

 

 

What was your 'what if' or 'maybe' or 'could be' today?

 

 

Tell it to go to Hell.

 

God's got this. He's got us. He's got YOU.

And when you think about it.... today really was a good day!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thank you, friends. We wouldn't be where we are without your support, prayer, and 'shares'!

 

 

 



Miracle #4 (Part I)~ Guest Post by Joey Smith; Audacious Faith

2012 is a year I will never forget.  There aren’t many years in my life that really stand out, but 2012 is a year that does.  2012 is the year I met my 2.5lb inspiration.  You have already read Lindsay’s posts about Hunter’s birth and how difficult things were.  We moved, lived in the hospital for a few months and lived apart from each other as we did what we had to do to keep our family together and moving forward. 

 

I’m going to fast forward through our two and a half months in the NICU to one of the toughest things I have ever experienced.  The day we were supposed to bring Hunter home from NICU number 1. The day they told us he was going to die.

 

As we got closer to the day Hunter was supposed to go home, we became more and more excited.  We had seen Hunter overcome so much and in our eyes he was growing and doing great.  The day Hunter was supposed to be discharged Lindsay went to the hospital early in the morning.  I got to there late the night before so I slept in that morning.  I had just gotten up and got moving when I received Lindsay’s text.  “You need to get here right now”.  All I could think was, something bad happened to Hunter.  Lindsay had been essentially living by herself for the past 6 weeks so she could be near Hunter and she had been so strong. I hadn't gotten a text like that from her so I knew something was really wrong.

 

When I got to the hospital I went into the NICU and Lindsay was sitting there crying with Hunter’s doctor standing in front of her, his hand on her shoulder.  I walked up to the doctor and asked him what the problem was.  He began to explain that he had discovered something with Hunter’s most recent medical tests that he had not seen before in Hunter's tests and had only seen a handful of times in his career.  He  proceeded to tell me that Hunter would live a short life and his quality of life would slowly decrease  As Lindsay was trying to hold it together I was trying to understand where this had come from, why it had not been seen before and I felt desperate for more details about this diagnosis.   The doctor left, saying that he would call a meeting that morning with us and all of Hunter's specialists, and that we would learn more then. Lindsay had run out of the NICU already and before I could find her I had to collect myself. I picked up Hunter, kissed him on the head and laid him back down. I walked out of the NICU as fast as I could as I felt myself falling apart.  I did not want Lindsay to see me.  I had to hold it together.  I walked into the courtyard and called my mom.  I explained to her what the doctor said and she started crying on the other end of the phone.  I asked her make the trip to come help us.  I didn't know what we needed but I knew we needed family there. I also know my wife and I knew she was already on the phone with her mom. I knew her mom would come as soon as she could, too.

 

All I could think was “We have to get home.”  I had to get my family and son home to some kind of normal life and to some of the best specialists in the country. After I hung up with my mom I called our adoption agency. Hunter was in their custody until discharge and they needed to know the latest news.

Our agency is small and we have built a great relationship with everyone that works there.  When I called 'D' (the agency director) I explained to her what the doctor had just told us. 'D's response caught me off guard. "You don't have to keep this baby."  Bad choice of words. Still, she was in shock, too and her intentions were pure. I don’t tell you this that to be negative.  I say that to tell you that she was willing to do whatever she could to support US and what we thought was best for us and our family.  We had another child to consider.  We had to decide what was best for our family.  I immediately cut her off and without thinking, the words just came out…”This is our son and we aren’t going anywhere.  We are not leaving him.  I just have to figure out how to get him home. Quickly.”  Hunter had fought so hard to get to this point.  What kind of person would I be if I gave up on him now?  How could I look at myself every morning or explain to Hannah what happened, what WE did, if we quit on him?  I have never had to make a decision like that.  One that involved life or death.   Lindsay and I didn’t need to discuss it, we were both on the same page.  This was our son.   I said it the first time I held him and I knew she felt the same way.

 

I hung up the phone and reaction mode kicked in.  Now I have to figure out what to do.  I have to get Hunter to home.  That is where we have support, friends, family, church and that is where one of the best children’s hospitals in the country is.  It’s time to be a man and make big decisions.  I pulled myself together, got a drink of water and went back into the NICU.  Lindsay was already back with Hunter, holding him.  I couldn't make eye contact with her yet. I looked at the doctor who had just given us Hunter’s death sentence and told him to call the hospital closest to us and arrange transportation.  By this time, some family members who had connections at that Children's hospital had already called and spoken to the hospital administrator.  They sent a jet and team of people to pick Hunter up.  Hunter was on the plane and in his new NICU in less than 2 hours.  (Read Lindsay’s post about the first time Hannah met her brother).  We cancelled our meeting, requested that every single medical record be sent IN PAPER to the next NICU, and we loaded up the cars and made plans to get home as fast as we could. 

 

In my hurry to get to the NICU that morning, I had grabbed my ipad on the way out the door.  After the phone call with our agency I picked up my iPad and opened Pastor Steven Furtick’s book “Sun Stand Still”.  I had read the book three times before and I always got something new out of it.  This time I was reading for specific phrases.  I was looking for a promise that everything would be ok.  I read the same verse over and over again....

 

Joshua 1:5 ^5 “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

 

I have loved this verse since I was young.  I like to consider it my life verse.  But this time it had a whole different meaning;  Whatever the outcome, good or bad, God was going to be with us.  He alone would get us through anything.  I had a responsibility to trust him and listen. He would tell me what I needed to do to help my family. To help my son. He had brought us this far and he would take care of the rest.  He would never leave us or forsake us.  This was His plan for our lives at this moment and that was all that mattered.  Everything else was secondary.  It was like God kept telling me to be still…just be still.  Then I read another verse...

 

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”.

 

Hunter would be ok. I didn't know what that looked like at that moment but I had to trust the God who had already saved my son too many times to count. He would be ok. 

 

There is something very special about both of our children. Hannah has the sweetest heart of any child I have ever known. She is an angel. Hunter is tough as nails. He is a fighter. He is not going to give up. God brought him this far and he didn’t bring him this far to let something bad happen. He didn't bring him this far so he could die. I like to think I realized all of this the first time I held Hunter, but the truth is, I had thought about it, but I didn’t really believe it. I didn’t have enough faith to truly believe it. I couldn’t guarantee that something bad wouldn’t happen. I didn't find that guarantee but I did find God's promise to never leave us and to fight for us. Hunter had fought hard already but now I knew with all my heart that God was in the fight with him.

 

As you know now, Hunter is growing and thriving.  I'll let Lindsay finish the story of this miracle in another post. As a husband and father there are no words to describe what it’s like to see your family in turmoil.  The worst part is that you are expected to be the strong one and the one who holds it together for everyone else.  I have bared the weight of that responsibility since I was a kid.  I have to tell you, I have never prayed and trusted God more at any other time in my life than I did when we decided to take our son home. To top it off, we were taking him home against the advice of the doctor's who had known him since birth.  I was terrified.  What if Hunter doesn’t make it?  How are we going to explain all of this to Hannah?  How is Lindsay going to hold up through all of this?  How much more can she take?

 

Then I realized….we don’t have time to worry about these things…..and we don’t need to.  God was telling us to trust him and let him show the world how big He is.    

 

“….… don’t you dare let the magnitude of your fears send you back to dry land.  Keep moving out deeper.  Keep reaching up.”

~ Pastor Steven Furtick

 

I have learned more from Hunter than he may ever learn from me.  He is a strong young man with determination, fight and perseverance.  He will go far in life.  I have no doubt about that.  He will accomplish whatever he wants in life.  I will never forget the late nights I would go to the hospital and hold him because I had been gone all week and just wanted to see him.  I would have held him all night if I could.  I always told him to keep fighting and that Daddy was here and I would do anything I could to take care of him.  The thing I didn’t realize is that I needed Hunter more than he needed me.  Hunter personifies the faith of a child.  The faith God calls all of us to have in Luke 18:17.   God had placed his hand on this baby and promised him a future.  Now God was using Hunter to show me that he had a plan for us.  His plan would grow my faith to levels I have never experienced and he used and is still using Hunter to do that.  I prayed Sun Stand Still prayers many times when Hunter was in the hospital.  I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything in my life.  I tried hard to hide any emotions from Lindsay and Hannah because I was afraid if they saw me worry or be afraid it would bring everyone down.  I had to remain positive and upbeat even when we were all physically and emotionally exhausted.  But I also had to learn how to be vulnerable. The emotions were real and I needed to feel them. I learned that Lindsay needed to see me feel them, too. Then I would go to the hospital by myself, hold my son and pray.  Pray for him, pray for strength, pray for understanding and pray that God would get us all home soon.  To whatever 'home' he chose.

 

Every time I hold Hunter I think about where he came from.  I still see that little boy fighting for life.  But the thing that will always stand out to me is the audacious faith that Hunter has in him and the faith he has brought out in everyone who experienced this time in our lives.  I've seen Hunter's story bring out the faith of people who read this blog, too. Hunter lives a Sun Stand Still life. God used this 2.5 pound miracle to turn my life upside down and radically alter my faith. 

 

Through all of this, the biggest thing I have realized is that God isn’t the one who tests our faith.  People and circumstances test our faith.  God never changes.  He never has and never will.  He has promised us that.  Faith is believing that our God is bigger than any circumstance.  The hardest part of faith is remembering that when you are staring your circumstance in the eye, God won’t blink. 

 

I would encourage each of you, no matter where you are or what you're going through to read Sun Stand Still by Pastor Furtick.  I hope that at some point in your life you experience a time that will be etched into your memory as a time that grew your faith exponentially.  If you have already experienced that time, I hope you will continue to build on it.  Never forget the promise we have been given...

      

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”.

 

God doesn’t promise that everything will always be “ok”.  Sometimes the outcome isn’t what we want but it is the outcome God wants.  I had to be ok with that, too. Despite the circumstances or outcome he will never leave us.  He is always there and will always fight for us.  He fought for Hunter and he will fight for you.  Not only did he fight for Hunter, he brought Hunter home and at the same time he brought me home.  So when you feel like you have gone as far as you can and the world is testing your faith….LET IT!!  Because the more your faith is tested the more God can show off.  Keep going, keep moving forward and you may just witness a miracle.   

 

-          ~ Joey

 

**   I am very proud of my wife and the thousands of people she has reached through this blog.  Lindsay is blessed with the gift of writing and reaching people through her words.  I know God is using her in mighty ways. She is a wonderful wife and such an amazing mother. I am very lucky that God chose her for me. **